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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sleeping with someone else at the first big disagreement - narc?

47 replies

Madmozzie · 07/12/2018 22:40

Living with partner of 7 years who gets a new job which causes great negative changes to the relationship. A difficult time, but while I'm trying to accept it (and when we're actually together, things are fine as usual), he's trying out an old friend as a new gf. So at the first sign of difficulty /disagreement, he's bailed on the relationship behind my back. Is this a classic narc move, or just plain selfishness and immaturity? He did 'come to his senses' and ditch the bitch, has now showed remorse etc, but something I read on narcs has made me wonder...

OP posts:
Weenurse · 07/12/2018 22:43

Get him gone. Obviously it is all about him and his needs. what about you? What do you want?

Cawfee · 07/12/2018 22:43

Regardless of what he is, do you really want to be with this bloke? He’s not really a 1st prize is he? Ditch.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/12/2018 22:44

I'm confused, is he seeing someone else ? whilst still in a relationship with yourself OP ?

NoSuchThingAsAlpha · 07/12/2018 22:47

Things weren't going so well between you two, so he dumped you and started seeing someone else... but that didn't work out so he dumped his new gf and now wants you back? He may or may not be a narc, but he's certainly an arsehole. Do you want to be in a relationship with an arsehole?

Original poster
Madmozzie · 07/12/2018 22:54

I found out about historic cheating. Which coincided with the first real difficult period. Haven't found anything in the time since, but am contemplating his everyday behavior, triggered by something I read about narcs, and how you might not necessarily recognize the behavior initially.

I remember reading a thread earlier this year about someone who had discovered their partner cheated 20 years ago, but they'd had a good relationship since. The vast proportion of advice was not to throw away what had proven to be a good marriage over something which happened a long time ago. That wasn't me, but now (with hindsight) I'd like to reread it, if anyone recognizes it and could link? It seems v close to my situation, from what I remember. Wonder if it was h posting? Haha.

OP posts:
bunintheoven88 · 07/12/2018 22:56

@Madmozzie
Sounds like classic narc behaviour, your describing pretty much exactly what my ex did, so I think you need to get rid and sharpish, however I don't think 'ditch the bitch' is very nice.

Original poster
Madmozzie · 07/12/2018 22:57

He went behind my back, so was seeing us both at the same time for a few months. She knew, I didn't. He decided she wasn't worth leaving me for, and ghosted her. I found out many years later, as I said, after many good years...

OP posts:
Original poster
Madmozzie · 07/12/2018 22:58

bun she knew exactly what was going on, and made the first move. So she was a bitch. And you're right, it isn't nice, neither is she.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 07/12/2018 22:59

What has happened recently that has you questioning things?

nicenewdusters · 07/12/2018 23:08

Why do you need a "diagnosis"? He cheated on you earlier in your relationship, and as far as you know he hasn't since - as far as you know.

If you can replace selfish and immature with narcissistic I get the impression you'd be relieved? Almost as if he couldn't help himself. He probably really could.

Original poster
Madmozzie · 07/12/2018 23:09

General things, looking back over all the compromises I've made to enable him in his lovely choice of job, etc. The casual assumption that I'm available for childcare at any time and that there's nothing going on family wise that he needs to take into consideration. He doesn't bother to keep me in the loop about things, and generally leaves everything to me, unless I make a big deal of it, then it turns into an argument. Classic case of DW thinking she's doing what's best for the family, when dh CBA, then finding out she's been taken for a mug, I guess. Is that narc behavior or just enabled selfishness?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 07/12/2018 23:10

I'm sorry to read that OP, complex indeed Flowers

Original poster
Madmozzie · 07/12/2018 23:11

nice I'm not looking for a diagnosis as such, of course he can help the behavior! I've seen narc threads on here before, and wonder if I would get any insights/heads up on behavior if I read them. Hence wondering narc vs selfish immature idiot.

OP posts:
Footle · 07/12/2018 23:17

How does the label 'narc' alter the diagnosis?

Original poster
Madmozzie · 07/12/2018 23:23

footle it doesn't, I just explained my reasons for wanting others opinion above.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 07/12/2018 23:29

I'm just thinking it would be more useful to you to consider the effects of his behaviour upon you, without trying to see where they stem from in him. You won't be able to change him whatever the root cause, particularly now I've seen your update.

He sounds like a hugely selfish man, sexist, who sees himself as the patriarch. You don't have to be a narcissist to be a misogynist.

nicenewdusters · 07/12/2018 23:34

Just noticed you asked if it was "enabled selfishness." Are you wondering if you have been his enabler ? Being a supportive partner does not make you an enabler. It sounds more likely that he has exploited the roles within your relationship, to enable himself to be selfish and live the life he wants.

Renarde1975 · 08/12/2018 00:39

Short answer, when I do come on to comment on threads it's usually because I am sure it's narc behaviours already by the first and usually second post from the OP.

Cheating, as awful as it is is just one indicator as rhete are far more, it's very rarely the first thing that strikes out. All narcs cheat. They must do.

I successfulyl predicted that dad had multiple affairs when we were growing up last xmas. Just based on behaviours alone so when he did bizarrely confess unprompted this summer, it was no surprise. Of course it devestated everyone. I'd already shed my tears.

When truth came out, he's been picking frightened and older women who in truth, not that switched on. Women who were or had been in multiple bad relationships. In one case, even going so far as to cuckold another man. This is at 60, not in great health himself or indeed physical shape, flying all the way to the states.

Nothing. Nothing surprised me about narc behaviour except how fucking predictable they are.

More info needed OP.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/12/2018 00:41

Whether or not he has a personality disorder is irrelevant..

Bottom line:

All narcissists are arseholes but not all arseholes are narcissists.....

The real question you need to ask yourself is am I happy or willing to spend the rest of my life with this arsehole?

Weenurse · 08/12/2018 00:48

Is life happy at the moment? How old are the children?
Do you have a vision for the future and is he in it ?
Do you need to change your behaviour to get what you want and, are you willing to?

Renarde1975 · 08/12/2018 00:57

Ok, well I can offer up a pearl of wisdom. Unless OP there is so.ething going on your end, ever ever change your behaviour to 'keep' someone. To that end I profoundly disagree with @weenurse

HereIgoagainxx · 08/12/2018 01:12

Why do you think being dumped is a narcissistic trait? Have you read up on traits of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

AgentJohnson · 08/12/2018 08:00

Grrr can we stop with the diagnosis! Your partner is an arsehole and if you want to take him back, fine but bloody own it and stop all this armchair Phycology to somehow ‘contextualise’ his shitty behaviour and your reluctance to call him out on it.

Jesus, the lies we tell ourselves.

HereIgoagainxx · 08/12/2018 08:43

Exactly AgentJohnson. Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects approximately 1% of the general population. Reading this forum you'd think it's much higher. It isn't.

It's become a buzz word and having worked with people that have had their lives practically destroyed by people with NPD I find that pretty frustrating.

People should read up on it. It's a personality disorder that is lifelong. You are not a narcissist just because you do a few shitty things.

I do understand people wantinG to label someone as it can help accept or make sense of bad treatment.

When you have lived with a narcissist (in the true definition) you know. Their behaviour is so incredibly destructive that there can be no doubt.

Renarde1975 · 08/12/2018 13:19

@HereIgoagainxx

I know the study you are referring to - some say between 1 and 4%. But the studies are flawed. Most narcs are not self aware and questionnaires like that are so easily 'frigged'. No, Tudor himself states it's 1 in 6 which I find more believable just based on numbers that I come across alone. Another self aware friend puts the amount of people who have stronger than average empathic reactions at 2/3% This would explain why empathic women often have multiple abusive relationships. Only awareness for themselves will stop this pattern.

Most of the threads on Relationships are started by empaths. Not every one though. As no-one ever posts on here saying how lovely things are, and as narcs would rather feed on empaths, this is why the board looks so narc heavy.

Most narcs are male by the way for reasons unknown. Most of the relationships on here are heterosexual. The majority of narcs are not aware that they are one and would STRENUOUSLY deny any assertion they are.

The 1 in 6 also explains something else too. That whilst a narc would prefer an empath, due to their rarity they sometimes settle for another narc. With 'hilarious' results.