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Original poster

Sex dying down. Normal?

27 replies

Nj1208 · 07/12/2018 20:37

I have been with my female partner for a year and a half and we have just moved in together.

To give a bit of background information, I was married to a man for 6 years, together 11 and met this woman 6 weeks after breaking up from a decent yet dead marriage which should have ended years ago.

The connection with this woman was instant; crazy, electric and something neither of us had ever felt before. We would literally stare into each other’s eyes and be ripping each other’s clothes off at every minute.

We have spent the past year and a half in constant contact, we are inseperable and she is a great step- parent to my daughter.

She has never been in such a long relationship, she talks of marrying me, she says I am the one and had never wanted to live with anyone before.

Yet the sex isn’t as frequent as it was at the start. My partner says this is the best sex she’s ever had, and it is still amazing. Yet not as often. I guess I am missing the excitement of the beginning, I loved the feeling of being so desirable to her, it was like a high.

She says she fancies me more now (I’ve lost a lot of weight) than in the beginning, yet I felt better about myself when she couldn’t keep her hands off me and it was all crazy excitement in the early days

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2018 20:49

Have you asked her? Is it since you’ve moved in together and life has become more “real” or was it already waning?

The intensity can and may change over time, the breathless exhausting combustible chemistry will probably change into a deeper, more settled, comfortable rhythm and that’s healthy. But 18 months in its fair and right to still exist fireworks when you do have sex.

Original poster
Nj1208 · 07/12/2018 21:01

I should add that she told me from the beginning that she never feels comfortable initiating sex, yet we would literally be up at it all night at the start. When I do initiate it now, she tells me a lot that she is tired etc etc.

I feel like I no longer want to initiate it because of the fear of getting rejected yet

OP posts:
Original poster
Nj1208 · 07/12/2018 21:02

Yes there are fireworks when we do, it’s just not as often as the beginning

OP posts:
Original poster
Nj1208 · 07/12/2018 21:03

I have asked her, she just says she is really happy with our sex life and that she just doesn’t want it as often as I do. She says in the beginning she did, but now we in a settled relationship, she doesn’t want it all the time.

When we do have sex, it tends to last a long time too and because of her health issues, sometimes she cannot function properly the next day.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 08/12/2018 09:04

Perfectly normal situation tbh. I think you should work on your self esteem tbh. Just because she's not as interested doesn't mean you're not as desirable. I can imagine this building in to resentment if you're not careful?

category12 · 08/12/2018 09:12

Sounds like her health issues are coming into play more? In the early stages of a relationship it's easy to do it anyway and damn the consequences, but day to day, not so much.

Original poster
Nj1208 · 08/12/2018 09:18

Thank you for your comments. Yes I agree with you, it is probably more to do with my self esteem. On the outside I come across as confident but deep down I am quite insecure.

To me, the best part of sex with my girlfriend is that connection, feeling wanted and desirable. Physically, I don’t feel like sex all the time either. Xx

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 08/12/2018 09:28

You met her six weeks after ending an 11 year relationship? Sounds like it moved along at a hell of a pace, are you sure you’re actually as compatible as you think/hope?

And bear in mind your current DP has never lived with anyone else and has never had as long a relationship (really... 18 months is her current longest? I assume she’s not 21?) but is now living with someone and their young child. That’s going to be a big adjustment for her.

Finally, tbh, you sound a bit needy and the pressure for sex on your partner has got to be unappealing to say the least. A man coming on MN and describing similar pushiness towards his DP would get very short shrift.

Dirtybadger · 08/12/2018 09:34

If sex effects her health (!) then you absolutely shouldn't and can't really expect more of it. It's normal to want less sex over a long period of time. If it's now only once every few weeks or something then you have an issue but if it's just simmered down to a few times a week that's probably her natural rhythm as it were. Everyone tends to want a lot of sex to start with, even people with lower sex drives.

Original poster
Nj1208 · 08/12/2018 09:52

It’s once every week and a half at the moment I would say.but we have been extremely busy with moving house, she’s on a deadline in work etc and is feeling really drained. Up until we moved in together, we would see each other around 3-4 nights per week and have sex once a weekish.

At the start it was literally every time we seen each other

OP posts:
Original poster
Nj1208 · 08/12/2018 09:53

Yes I think I am needy too. I’ve been told that before.

I struggle to stand back though. Any tips on becoming less needy? Lol

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 08/12/2018 09:56

Very few relationships sustain the level of sex had in the early days, this is quite normal. I understand wanting to feel desired, we all do, but if sex is so problematic for her healthwise that she can’t function the next day I can see why she needs a rest between sessions.

BackInTheRoom · 08/12/2018 11:29

Any tips on becoming less needy?

Yes, maybe keep having a word with yourself, reminding yourself that you are worthy outside of this relationship? Building up your self esteem. Reminding yourself of your partners feelings and limitations? Checking in with your partner about how they're feeling?

sparklesaremyfavourite · 08/12/2018 12:10

Once a week isn't abnormal - it's fairly regular, and still very good when you do, but sounds like other things plus the initial honeymoon period have slowed things down from what they were...

I think what's more important is how good it is, how well you get on in between, and much love there is, if you both still compliment each other or flirt etc.

If you're feeling unsure on whether it's because she's not as into you, from what you describe that definitely not the case.

I know initially you had crazy exciting chemistry but are you in love with her? Is it the excitement you loved, or her as a person?

If you both still love each other I don't see a problem here.

Not as a comparison, but my sex life is completely different, and I'm telling you about it to give context;

Firstly, sex was never very frequent even at the start (red flag I know), second it's now only about 3-4 times a year (!) - third the flirting and caresses are mostly absent in between, fourth the actual sex itself is boring and follows the same pattern.

^ The above all underlines that my DH is not comfortable sexually and has actually lead me to feel the same (I'm really unconfident initiating now), and he has behaved very badly to some of my suggestions and implied I was a bit slutty (I know that's bad but we're not talking about me and I'm dealing with this issue - as I say it's to give context).

The above describes a very unhealthy sex life, with shame and lack of emotional intimacy there as pivotal factors.

I think yours sounds different. So maybe chat to your partner and see if you're both still emotionally happy and can be sexually fulfilled together (even if some things have changed).

Flowers
sparklesaremyfavourite · 08/12/2018 12:13

And yes, as PP said, do some nice things for yourself to build your confidence.

NotTheFordType · 08/12/2018 13:05

OP is this your first same sex relationship?

Original poster
Nj1208 · 08/12/2018 13:15

Thanks all, we definitely have what we call almost perfect relationship. It’s simply the frequency that has died down and not the quality of sex/ relationship.

Yes first same sex relationship.

I am madly in love with her.

I just miss that feeling of being so wanted at the start. Think these are my issues by the sounds of it :/

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Escolar · 08/12/2018 13:16

Sounds normal to me too.

Original poster
Nj1208 · 10/12/2018 11:47

I hope so. She’s off work today sick as she has been feeling drained the last week. I am working from home as I am self employed. She is fine in herself just tired. The needy part of me thinks we should be upstairs in bed together, or wishing she would ask, even though she is off work because she is drained. I am feeling like this because it has been two weeks since we had sex, even though she has been ill for most of that time, deadlines in work and dealing with a house move and visitors. I can see this is too needy. Sometimes it just takes a little external perspective to get it straight.

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Original poster
Nj1208 · 10/12/2018 11:49

She said yesterday she felt under pressure to have sex as it has been two weeks ( we hardly ever go longer than this) even though I hadn’t tried it. I said there is no pressure , not to worry etc.

I am going to take a massive step back sex wise as I think she may start feeling too much pressure

OP posts:
busybarbara · 10/12/2018 11:52

I guess I am missing the excitement of the beginning, I loved the feeling of being so desirable to her, it was like a high.

That's limerance, and it nearly always only lasts for a few months at the start of a relationship. If you really love that feeling rather than the long term commitment style feeling, you need to pursue new relationships.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 10/12/2018 11:57

It's not that I'm giving you a hard time for ring needy but it might be contributing a bit

Hear me out, my DP and I (can't see that it matters but a hetero relationship if that makes a difference) were the same in that when we first got together we were at it like bunnies

Then as real life does tend to it slowed quite a lot, all fine and normal, I was married for ten years prior so I knew it was fairly normal and we would have more surges and more dry spells and that's how it would go

The problem was DP had never been in such a serious relationship so he stared to get a bit needy about sex and would nag and always want to go to bed

I had to sit him down and explain it was pushing me even further because it felt that he didn't care that I was tired and under pressure from work and the kids , it felt like it mattered more to him to have his "validatiom" than how I was feeling

We had an open conversation and he backed off a bit...stopped stressing and believed me that I still loved him. A few weeks later things settled and we are back to 4 or 5 times a week. However most importantly neither of us are concerned about another dry spell as we know it will bounce back

Being honest though if he had continued to push it and not relaxed about it it would have become a big problem because I was getting cross he wasn't seeing it from my point of view and giving me the time I needed

Ultimately eachrelationship is different so my experience could be different from yours but honestly I would advise open discussion and do be a bit careful about the neediness...you have every right to how you feel but it may be making her feel pressured

Hope you work it out op

RatRolyPoly · 10/12/2018 11:58

I am going to take a massive step back sex wise as I think she may start feeling too much pressure

I think that's a good idea OP, and also see if you can uncouple sex as a fun and intimate activity from your own sense of self-worth and desirability. Nothing makes sex a chore like someone relying on it to feel good about themselves, or good about your relationship.

Escolar · 10/12/2018 11:59

I feel really sorry for your partner. She's so tired that she's off work, and is feeling pressurised for sex on top of that. It's good that you've recognised you are the problem. Now you need to live up to your decision to back off a little.

Original poster
Nj1208 · 10/12/2018 12:05

Thank you all. Really good advice xx

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