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Original poster

Which would be more unforgivable - long term emotional affair or ONS?

28 replies

Honeybooboo123 · 07/12/2018 14:09

Having a debate with a friend after discovering that a mutual friend has found her husband spending months messaging and sexting with a woman who lives thousands of miles away. They never met apparently.

The question is, is it cheating? And is it worse or better than someone having a short term physical thing?

I think if they have never met, then it's not really cheating, but friend thinks its worse.

OP posts:
Move2WY · 07/12/2018 14:10

Does is matter?

babysharkah · 07/12/2018 14:12

I think they're both shit but the long term emotional is worse

mogratpineapple · 07/12/2018 14:14

Well this is the definition of cheating: act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage. Apply this to a relationship and take it from there.

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 07/12/2018 14:14

Just coming to say the same as @babysharkah

Both horrible but the long term emotional would break me. A ONS while totally stupid I could 'get'. I'd be angry but ultimately forgive for a one off I think.

MissMalice · 07/12/2018 14:15

I couldn’t forgive either.

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/12/2018 14:15

I'd rather the ONS if I had to choose, bloody hope that stays theory though!

Bestseller · 07/12/2018 14:16

Actually, whilst I would have said both were appalling when I was younger, I've come to realise with age/experience that life isn't black and white. Everyone is fallible, things do "just happen", most people are trying to do their best for everyone and that no matter how bad it all sounds everyone's personal situation is different and no-one has a clue how anyone else got themselves into a situation they found themselves in. So, we can't judge unless we've walked in their shoes.

Autumn101 · 07/12/2018 14:19

Both a horrible way to behave but I’d find the long term emotional harder to forgive.

SpiritedLondon · 07/12/2018 14:20

Bestseller I’m with you but I think we might be in the minority.

Pinkmonkeybird · 07/12/2018 14:21

Both are crap, but an emotional affair is worse IMO.

BeyondVicious · 07/12/2018 14:23

Having had both, (thankfully from different partners!!) I'd say the long term emotional is a million times worse. It grinds you down in a way that short sharp anger simply doesn't.

ShadyLady53 · 07/12/2018 14:27

See if it involves sexting I see it as more than an emotional affair.

I think the ONS would upset me more than an emotional affair with no sexual undertones.

BringItOn88 · 07/12/2018 20:00

Bestseller I completely agree!

richdeniro · 07/12/2018 20:23

Having gone through someone emotionally cheating on me, it's very easy to say that I would have rather she had had a ONS.

It was awful knowing what was going on and the entire month whereby I knew what was happening was like torture, it was like going through the worst parts of a breakup every single day. You knew they were prioritising someone else's feelings over yours, confiding in someone else, messaging them but hiding it in your presence, being online for hours on end on whatsapp but not responding to your messages.

The problem is that anything you do just becomes a turnoff and drives them further into the new persons arms. Ask them about it and fight for them, you come off as needy and insecure which makes them feel more attracted to the other person. It's like fighting a losing battle and is second only to a full blown affair in terms of the pain you go through.

Monday55 · 07/12/2018 20:26

ONS is more forgivable.

Borelis · 07/12/2018 20:29

Long term emotional affair is worse but only really if the ONS was a drunken one.

SuperSuperSuper · 07/12/2018 22:13

Long term emotional affair is worse because of the ongoing investment and strong bond/feelings.

A ONS lasts an hour or two and is mainly about sex, there's no connection. So, no planning, no thought, no confiding. It's disgusting and shouldn't be brushed under the carpet, but it's not as bad imo as an EA.

Alwaysdrama · 07/12/2018 22:15

Both bad
Very different
I couldnt stay with someone who did either

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/12/2018 00:58

Both indicate major lack of honesty and integrity in a person and would instantly dump for either.

glitterypink · 08/12/2018 01:58

My Oh was having an emotional affair - I had no proof but for over a month I just knew.
I asked - he denied it.
Then I got a hold of his phone and the evidence was there. It hurt like I can't explain.
As another person said it's the way they are investing time in that other person, and I used to look at him and see him smiling at his phone and it tore me to pieces because I knew what he was doing.
He was so shocked when I finally got the proof.
Wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone Sad

Shoxfordian · 08/12/2018 02:05

I wouldn't forgive either but an emotional affair is more of a betrayal because he's falling in love with someone else

Orangesandpears · 08/12/2018 02:49

I think an emotional affair is worse. I know that any partner of mine is likely to find other women attractive, but hate the idea more of them thinking other women might "get" them more than I do. Plus people don't often leave for a ONS; they do for an EA

LilMy33 · 08/12/2018 07:09

I stayed with my ex after he repeatedly cheated on me including more than one emotional and then sexual affair. I never forgave or forgot though. Couldn’t switch off at all it just hurt too much. If that happened now I’d not forgive either and get rid. No one is worth feeling that low.

Original poster
Honeybooboo123 · 08/12/2018 07:37

Thanks for your responses- i thought the physical act would make it 'worse'

OP posts:
BettyCrook · 08/12/2018 10:03

I think that an emotional affair would be more painful for me because I know I can't force him to love me and stay in love, and I do believe that people can fall in and out of love due to no fault of anyone.
Because of this I would struggle to be angry. I would be hurt, in my pride and ego and in my ability to trust. It is very damaging. I would definitely end the relation.

Sex on the other hand is cheap, a physical thing like feeling hungry, it doesn't FOR ME carry the same implications on how I see myself.
I would be angry and I might end the relation. I would angry about practical things like STDs, trust to have unprotected sex, worry what else he's hiding (unless he confessed voluntarily) and if its someone he still sees around or knows I would obsess about emotional intimacy... but if its a one off with some random stranger, I think i will just feel yuck about him tbh.

I appreciate that this isn't everyone's view though.

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