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Original poster

LAT marriage with kids

28 replies

Halfwaymad · 07/12/2018 12:38

Hi, just wondering if there are any other parents on here who are living/about to be living in a LAT relationship (Living Apart Together). Me and my husband are about to live separately after living together for the last 20years and raising 3 kids - two teenagers and a 9 year old.. We will be five minutes away from each other and both within walking distance of our youngest's school. We are both looking forward to this as a new adventure together - it is a positive mood and not the first step to divorce. We bot feel we have lost something of ourselves in becoming so emeshed and are craving our own space and independence. We plan to have date nights at each other's houses each week and the kids will split their time between us but in an informal way as unlike a divorce scenario as we will still be together and bot spending time in each other's houses. It will be expensive but we are hoping it will be life changing. Does anyone else here have experience of doing marriage this way? In particular how their kids adjusted to it. Ours are feeling a bit unsettled by it understandably - mostly because they have no role models for other parents who have lived this way. Everyone they know who have parents who don't live together it is because they have split up. I'm going to talk to my daughters teacher about it next week and explain what is happening - that LAT is actually a thing and not a bad thing either. I've had mixed reactions telling people about this. Men have mostly been a bit horrified and assumed it is the first step to divorce - the women have thought it was a bloody brilliant idea!!
I could do with some role models myself to be honest. Any one our there??

OP posts:
ZestyMaximus · 07/12/2018 13:11

No advice as I've not done this myself and don't have children but I would definitely want to do this if I'm ever in a relationship again. Living with my partner never works for me.

Helena Bonham Carter and her husband Tim Burton live next door to one another and this has worked for them for many years. I'm sure a google search would bring up details. I've read a couple of interviews in the past where this has been discussed and how they make it work for them.

Musti · 07/12/2018 13:21

Sounds great - all the fun of a relationship without the boring bits. Also means that when you see each other you concentrate on each other instead of just physically being in the same room/house.

No arguing over housework etc either.

olivertwistwantsmore · 07/12/2018 13:24

Helena Bonham Carter and her partner Tim Burton (they never married) split up in 2014...

ZestyMaximus · 07/12/2018 14:10

Helena Bonham Carter and her partner Tim Burton (they never married) split up in 2014...

Oh damn! Still worth looking up the interviews though. Maybe pre and post marriage :)

Original poster
Halfwaymad · 07/12/2018 14:38

Yes, I think a few celebrities have done it - I think HBC and Tim Burton had adjoining house with an internal door. A bit disappointing they split up.
I am looking for any normal folk who might be doing it. Most of the people I've heard of don't have kids together, which I think is a very different thing. For some reason as soon as a woman gets married or has kids we expect her to live with her husband/father of kids - when pre marriage, pre kids couples aren't automatically expected to do this. Obviously when kids are tiny it makes practical sense and finances play a part too. I've been accused of being selfish for wanting my own home, but no one would say a woman who hasn't got kids is being selfish for not moving in with a partner. Suddenly when you become a mother and a wife there is still a bit of peoples brains that think you can't be an independent person anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halfwaymad · 07/12/2018 14:39

We are both quite excited.
I'm taking the dog with me - my husband hates dog!
He is getting Sky Sports and a massive screen on the (his) bedroom wall.
I will never ever pick his pants up of the floor again.

...that's the plan anyway.

OP posts:
ilovekale · 07/12/2018 15:02

A friend's parents are together but live apart (in two different countries) they have a long weekend together and all holidays together but for the rest live apart. They've done this for 20 years and are happy so guess it does work for some.

Onestep2 · 07/12/2018 15:07

I know a couple who do this and the wife swears it's what makes them so happy.

Recently DHs fucking snoring had got me thinking it could have it's benefits 😂😂

FlamingJuno · 07/12/2018 15:19

I've got two sets of friends who live like this. One couple the wife is a lot older and moved abroad when she retired. She lives in a sunny place and plays golf all day. He has a business here which does well and interests him so he doesn't want to give it up. They are childless.

The other couple have adult children and live 300 miles apart. The wife gradually spent longer and longer at their holiday home until eventually the move was permanent.

Both couples remain happily married, second couple are in constant contact because they are in business together. Not sure about how it works with younger children in the mix though.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 07/12/2018 21:50

My ex dp and I did this for 9 years. Never lived together (Kids, finances etc), he lives in the next street.

Fucking soul destroying. Absolutely broke me to think he was happier to live apart from me for all of our relationship. Holidays, weekends together, DIY in each other's homes etc then poof - effectively single again when he chose to go home.

babysharkah · 07/12/2018 21:53

A friends parents do this and have since the youngest was at uni they are very successfully and happily together.

babysharkah · 07/12/2018 21:53

Should have said, the youngest is now 41.

LellyMcKelly · 08/12/2018 06:49

Provided clear boundaries are set (I.e. you don’t end up cleaning two homes or cooking his dinner every night) then definitely. I live with my kids and see my DP of 3 years about 4 nights a week (the kids aren’t his and they see their dad all the time), and that’s plenty. We both like our space. I don’t know if I would want to live full time again with a man.

Frankenterfer · 08/12/2018 08:14

I'd love this :) go for it OP.

Branleuse · 08/12/2018 08:23

We do this and tbh it was great for the first few years, but now id like to go back to living together but it feels harder now.
I used to feel like the time we spent together was quality time and sometimes it is, but often i feel like we are just swapping children over and have all the drudge of a LTR and none of the companionship..
There are positives to it, but there are also many negatives, not just financially for running 2 houses, but also running a house alone is a lot of work, not being able to just nip out to something or decide to go out for an evening without arranging him to come over or them to go there. I used to think its brilliant, but now i find it lonely and wish we had just looked to getting a bigger place and having more space instead.

Wednesdaypig · 08/12/2018 08:27

As long as you don't do any cooking/cleaning/tidying on date night at his place and give your reason as it's not fair on the dc to stay in a pigsty! GrinI think the reasons for doing this will be doing the dcs' heads in as it is very unusual and also very expensive to maintain two homes.

egginacup · 08/12/2018 08:31

If you genuinely aren’t planning to split up then I think it sounds like madness and confusing for the DC, sorry. Maybe that’s after being a single parent for the last 4 years- it’s hard running a house alone. Agree with PP, why not spend that money on a bigger house and have separate bedrooms/ zones etc if that’s what you want.

It’s like putting the DC through the stress of a divorce but not actually getting divorced!

Branleuse · 08/12/2018 08:46

Fwiw i dont think my children are confused by it, but one big issue is they almost always prefer to stay here, so theres a lot of times id quite like to stay the night there, and the children dont want to go etc they want to be in their own rooms. This is very wearing.
There are also times i dont bloody want to entertain. I just want to bum about on the computer etc. Would be fine if youre living together. A bit annoying if hes come over specially. Its really lost its spark, and i also find myself doing the lions share, and hes really got used to his own space

Branleuse · 08/12/2018 08:47

The kids just see it as normal I mean.

junebirthdaygirl · 08/12/2018 09:04

Gwenth Paltrow and her new dh are not living together. Separate home though because both had children already.
I feel a bitsorry for your 9 year old as your older dc had parents together much longer. Also dc find it awkward having an unusual family set up and rather get on with their own lives while dps stay the same, solid in the background.

Musti · 08/12/2018 09:06

@branleuse why don't you look at moving in together then? Also don't make it so attractive for him to be in separate houses. The whole point is so that you both do the same!

Prettyvase · 08/12/2018 09:14

I think parents should put their DC's interests first. DC don't ask to be born. They are dependent on you for their emotional well-being until they leave home.

Is this move in your DC's best interests?

If not, stop being selfish. Get your DH to pick up his own pants from the floor, let him have his sky TV in his own room ( nothing wrong with that) and let your dog have a roam of a DH free room.

You do not want to upset your DC's emotional health in any shape or form unless you absolutely have to.

Branleuse · 08/12/2018 09:14

Easier said than done @musti

There are a lot of reasons why it would be a massive upheaval now. Its not out of the question but it would be a massive move, and its a completely different feeling doing it now for practical reasons than when a relationship is new and shiny. Also dp doesnt see the urgency. Im not sure I can be bothered to do an ultimatum, after all its not that bad either.
I didnt really come on here for advice on my own relationship though otherwise i would have started my own thread. This is something i will work out for myself and with my counsellor and partner :) I particularly DO NOT want mumsnet picking apart my relationship.
Im just saying that actually LAT can seem like an answer, but it brings up just as many problems as it solves, and probably more, so in my opinion, with what i know, there is always one person who benefits more than the other. My advice is to look at getting more space in a home together. Seperate rooms. Better boundaries. Thats what I wish we had done with hindsight.

Musti · 08/12/2018 09:22

@branleuse sorry I was just curious.

I'm interested in this because I have no intention of living with a man for at least until my youngest leaves home. I'm seeing someone who also has children and we live a few hours away. The relationship is still new so I'm desperately missing him but I also haven't enjoyed living with a man since I've had children because of the big inequality of it all. It seems you get all the drudge of a relationship and very few of the nice bits. Having said that, the man I'm seeing is completely hands on with all housework and he did it all in his last relationship.

I have a friend who has been seeing her boyfriend for 6 years and they live in separate houses with their own kids but spend lots of quality time together and they're still besotted. They go on lots of dates, days away, trips away just the two of them as well as do stuff with the children all together. I guess they are what I aspire to but it could also just be their personalities rather than the situation.

Branleuse · 08/12/2018 09:36

@musti I think having children that are not each others, and none together, and where youve never lived together is a bit of a different scenario to mine.

If me and DP did split up, I would not move another man in. In those circs, I think LAT could be ideal. At least for a few years. Any chance you could move closer together though?