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Original poster

Are there feelings here?

30 replies

monopolyfiend · 07/12/2018 12:12

I’ve just registered on my to ask your opinions and advice please . I have read these threads for a long time now and appreciated your advice on a range of topics but today I need some perspective please . I am
Married with youngish children. Happy mostly. I am very close friends with a man who is considerably younger than me . I am his confidante , not him
Mine so much . We get on excellently , the usual close friendship behaviours .. seeking eachother out, laughing, crying, chatting etc, loads of messaging about everything . Here’s the thing though, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s more? I can’t even explain why I think that . Maybe more intensity , compliments, glancing, eye contact etc. I know I sound ridiculous but there just something ? Call it chemistry.. I’m not sure? Any ideas on how you differentiate between platonic friendship or more , any ideas about when it crosses the line? I’ll need to address this if lines are being crossed .

OP posts:
FTA28 · 07/12/2018 12:20

If you’re married with youngish children and happy mostly you don’t question if there are feelings. You walk away from anything more than friends

Original poster
monopolyfiend · 07/12/2018 12:31

Sorry. I meant feelings on his part.Not mine. I dont feel that I have enough reason to ask him outright without the potential of destroying the friendship.Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
monopolyfiend · 07/12/2018 13:28

Anyone? I really am a bit worried and don’t know how to deal with this feeling I have

OP posts:
Leela2 · 07/12/2018 13:40

We can't know if he has feelings for you.

If there is anything that you wouldn't be happy to show to your husband, that would be crossing a line.

FTA28 · 07/12/2018 13:48

I meant don’t ask just walk away if you value your marriage

Original poster
monopolyfiend · 07/12/2018 13:53

I’m reluctant to walk away from a friendship that bring me such joy as a rule . I am very happy to show my husband everything but I don’t think he would understand my friend telling me that I look beautiful or that he loves me etc . Now I believe he says these things in a platonic way but something is niggling at me about the increasing intensity and contact . My friend is outgoing, chatty, emotionally available . These qualities do not exist in my husband so I quite enjoy them in my friend. There just seems to be increasing touching and contact when together . I can’t pinpoint it

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 07/12/2018 14:00

Go with your gut reaction, OP. If you think something's not right, then back off just a little. Be a little less available.

Also be wary. Your feelings could develop gradually. You've told us what you appreciate about your friend: make sure you can be specific and genuine about what you love your husband for.

Orange6904 · 07/12/2018 14:04

You friend is telling you you are beautiful and loves you? Why?

Snowballs4ever · 07/12/2018 14:10

I don't think men share that level of feelings, combined with telling you you're beautiful and he loves you etc if they don't want more. The depth of the feelings, who knows? He may just want a fling or he may see you as a soul mate. Doesn't sound good if you're married though, id walk away. I have good friends but none of them behave the way this chap does with you.

Original poster
monopolyfiend · 07/12/2018 14:15

My husband is the kindest most gentle man you could hope to meet. He is relaxed, caring and quiet. He does. Or talk too much. That is how he is but I am very chatty and out going and love socialising . I would t trade my husband for anything in the world especially not my friend, as I could not live with him in a million years and while I enjoy his personality very much.. we are too similar and anyway I’m not attracted to him sexually . My friend has said that he thinks I am beautiful yes... which I’m not and also in friendship has told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way. I think it’s more of an older woman thing .. maybe more admiring or something . I just wonder though if his feelings have changed

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 07/12/2018 14:27

You're wondering too much about this 'friend'? Be careful, you say you're happily married but you sound a bit obsessed with this person.

Original poster
monopolyfiend · 07/12/2018 14:38

Do I ? I cant see how? I never thought I was but I am anxious to make sure that there are no blurred lines here and was looking for a bit of objective perspective.Thanks

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2018 14:43

Your thread sounds very much like another one where the OP was desperate for posters here to validate her in wanting to know what her 'friend' thought of her and did he have romantic feelings for her.

Assuming that you're not that OP then I'll just say that if you're married and happily so, somebody else's feelings for you really wouldn't register beyond noting ones that your husband wouldn't approve of - and shutting them down - kindly. Why are you not doing that? Most, if not all women, know when a man fancies them, whether it's genuine or just 'a line'. They know.

Flattering it may be. Marriage enhancing it is not. You're either being faux-naïve or you want this to be a thread going over every nuance and telling you that your friend 'likes' you. Grow up. I mean that kindly but do. If you care for your friend then remind him that you're married and that you value his friendship but you want to keep it friendly and nothing more.

That is, IF you think he's not just blethering on with nonsense and IF you're not taking that nonsense and running with it. You have much to lose. Don't let this develop, OP.

Original poster
monopolyfiend · 07/12/2018 14:53

No Im not THAT op. Im not being faux naive and im not looking for posters to tell me that my friend' likes' me. That is not why I posted at all. I posted for your opinions. I do not genuinely know if he fancies me or not and that is the absolute truth. I am a middle aged woman looking for objectivity on a situation that I am confused about. Nobody has fancied me in the last 20 years that I know of.The only close male relationships that I have are that of my husband and my friend.All I wanted was for posters with perhaps similar strong friendships with members of the opposite sex, to give me their experiences if/when there were changes in relationships. and perhaps guide me .thanks

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 07/12/2018 15:10

What about your husband?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2018 15:17

Whether he fancies you or not, you make it clear that you're married, value the friendship - and be prepared to put a stop to it if it gets out of line. Really not difficult.

The way that you post that 'nobody has fancied me in 20 years' makes me think that actually, this is ok with you and you'd like confirmation that he does.

You're playing with fire.

CoffeeRunner · 07/12/2018 15:27

Are you completely sure your own feelings are platonic OP?

I ask from experience. A year ago I could have written the same post, although I did manage to convince myself that we were just good friends & how could someone much younger, more attractive, etc etc ever be interested in me in that way anyway. I came to the conclusion that I was just out of practice in having close male friends & flattered by the attention. But was also sure he wanted nothing more.

Fast forward to now, H & I have separated (this had been on the cards for a couple of years anyway TBH) and my “friend” and I have been having sex for a few months. Turns out he did have feelings for me the whole time but had convinced himself I wouldn’t be interested in him!

So, yeah, not hugely helpful. Apart from to say in my experience - yes, it was something deeper.

RivanQueen · 07/12/2018 15:31

OP it sounds like you've felt a difference in your friends feelings towards you, more intensity , compliments, glancing, eye contact etc. you also said he is touching you a lot more and this (for me) is a big indicator that his feelings have changed, he wants physical contact with you. You should trust your instincts about this kind of thing. I would be very wary if I was you and remind your friend that, that is all he is to you. If he is developing deeper feelings for you it is better to nip it in the bud now by reminding him of the fact than have him think that the feeling could possibly be mutual, that you'd be up for an affair with him and he makes a move on you. You would definitely lose your friendship then and you would also have to explain to your DH what has happened and why you suddenly aren't friends with this person anymore.

Original poster
monopolyfiend · 07/12/2018 16:01

I have absolutely no romantic or sexual
Feelings for him.i am in love with my husband and have not ever been unfaithful to him nor could I imagine ever going down that route . I have not received any interest from any other man in twenty years and my point about that was that I wouldn’t even know how to read signals. My friendship seems to have got more intense and I could not figure out of that was because we are getting closer as friends or of he had started to develop feelings other than friendship . If he had said something or made a move to be physical then I would know but in this situation, he hasn’t done anything untoward or said anything that a female friend would not have said to me in The past . He is a very feminine , touchy, open type of person and truthfully , I often wondered if he was indeed gay but he has had relationships with girls . In fact he is seeing a girl at the moment although it is casual by his account . All I wanted was an opinion to find out if the lines were blurring . I don’t need or want anyone to say that they have developed feelings for me as this would be very upsetting as I would potentially lose a very valued friendship. Just needed advice on how to proceed without being presumptuous and creating a situation where it would get awkward. Thanks

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 07/12/2018 16:14

Just talk about your husband a lot and if he says anything that makes you uncomfortable tell him you're happily married.

Thanksandnext · 07/12/2018 16:16

If you are getting vibes that he likes you more than he should (as you say you are happily married) I think you should back off and cool your relationship.

I also think you should be honest with yourself. I can’t tell if you are flattered or concerned or if you do have feelings for him even though you claim you don’t.

RivanQueen · 07/12/2018 16:16

OP without speaking to your friend we can't be sure if he has feelings for you or not. All I'll say is go with your gut, if it's telling you there might be more on his side than there was before you should listen to that instinct and do something to make sure he doesn't act on those feelings. You could just make a comment or 2 in passing about how you value his friendship, and/or make some comments about how even after 20+ years with your DH you're more in love with him now than ever, how good your relationship is etc. You don't have to be blunt and ask him straight out if he's got feelings for you but you can make it clear in other ways that friendship is all this is and all it will ever be.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2018 16:50

Apologies to you, monopolyfriend, I've obviously misinterpreted your posts. Sorry about that.

It sounds as if he's moving this friendship along into uncharted waters on his own steam. I can see how this would be awkward to address because you're quite happy with the friendship and you don't want it to change - and by addressing it, of necessity, you'll have to do that.

I think Sausage's advice is good. Keep on with the "I'm happily married" response and just ignore any flirtatious behaviour unless it crosses a line. It is difficult and I understand that. I always think it's easy because I get chatted-up on every site I go on and ignore the nonsense - until it gets too much and then I shut it down. But these are not my friends, that's the difference. If it were a friend that I actually cared about, it would be very hard indeed.

Keep on telling him - perhaps invite him to your home to dinner with your husband and children and let him see it for himself? He'll get the message.

Original poster
monopolyfiend · 07/12/2018 17:30

No need to apologise but appreciated . As the posts went on I realised that I was not very clear in my posting about the whole scenario. I really am a boring middle aged woman who is so long out of that scene, I do t know what to think! I actually do refer to my husband a lot. I also refer to my friend as a friend in communication a lot also eg thanks buddy/ friend / pal etc . There really is no ambiguity on my part . However I absolutely love the conversations and the chatting and the laughs and maybe that makes me come across as very flirty or something... which I am absolutely not btw!! I am entirely myself and the same when I am in his company as everybody else company . However in groups, he will focus conversations on me and be just looking over at my direction all the time which is a bit strange isnt it . Whereas I glance from person to person and include everyone onthe conversation . Thinking about it now... maybe he just loves the company and the fun and wants to keep the fun and conversations going . Not sure I’m making any sense here . Just trying to figure it out and thanks for your opinions and replies

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 07/12/2018 18:29

Maybe he's just the type that looks around? Honestly, I think you're over analysing it.