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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being manipulated?

45 replies

Supermarketaddict · 07/12/2018 09:00

Hi, I wonder if anyone could enlighten me at all please?

Bit of back story. I ended relationship with ex DP about 6 months ago. I'd suspected manipulation but doubted myself a lot, I suspected infidelity but any evidence i found was explained away and he was financially abusive and now admits he was stupid with money but doesn't view his actions as abusive.

Since splitting he says he has changed and has begged and negotiated for us to get back together and even threatened suicide. I told him I wouldn't be getting back with him but he has worn me down to accepting having a date with him last week. It was lovely but now he is pushing to see me all this coming weekend. I felt anxious about it so messaged him and said how I felt and that I would rather just see him one night as it's all going a bit too quickly for my liking. He has rung me in tears saying it's not just my feelings I need to take into consideration, he's just in love and wants to see me and yet I'm so distant (he was avoidant of me in the relationship and it was me wanting to see him). I am usually considerate of other people's feelings to the point of putting them first but I am trying to learn to stick up for myself and not just go along with other people's needs to appease them. I now feel like I'm selfish and that perhaps I'm doing things wrong by saying how I feel and saying no. Is that the case? Can anybody tell me if I am in the wrong or if he is trying to manipulate me again? If it's the latter I will know he has not changed and there will be no more dates.

Thanks for reading. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
NationalShiteDay · 07/12/2018 09:04

RUN FOR THE HILLS

I had an abusive gas lighting ex like this. Pulled exactly the same trick. It was just another abusive tactic to reel me back in so he could carry on gaslighting me and generally trying to control me.

I had to block him and he ended up stalking me for a while but he did fuck off in the end. Didn't kill himself though did he, oh no.

MUjunkie · 07/12/2018 09:04

He’s manipulating you again I’m my honest opinion! Sorry. You need to do what you feel is best and he’s trying to guilt trip you into doing things his way. Stay strong and stick to what YOU want

TanteRose · 07/12/2018 09:05

You are not in the wrong - please do not see him again.

he is trying to take back control, but don't let him.

Have you seen the Mumsnet video on coercive control?

NationalShiteDay · 07/12/2018 09:05

Also YOU DO NOT NEED TO APPEASE HIS NEEDS!!!

He's certainly not putting your needs first so why the hell should you put his?

Honestly, block and run and never look back.

timeisnotaline · 07/12/2018 09:07

You aren’t together , you certainly don’t need to consider what he needs from a relationship! I’d msg back I think we just don’t work together.

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2018 09:10

Yes he's succeeding in manipulating you again
Don't see him for anymore dates

LemonTT · 07/12/2018 09:10

Yes he is being manipulative. He is love bombing with a side twist of guilt as you resist it. I would just end things and block him.

You are entitled to say no to anything and he should respect that. That he doesn’t is a huge red flag. Even huger is the threats of suicide and accusations you are cold and distant. You aren’t even in a relationship, it is over.

I would send him a text confirming that he is right you don’t feel that strongly about him and cannot meet his needs. Sadly it is time to move and for his sake you have blocked him.

Claw001 · 07/12/2018 09:10

Anyone who threatens suicide when they don’t get their own way, is manipulative. relationships should be based on mutual love and respect, not threats.

Aussiebean · 07/12/2018 09:12

So his argument is that you need to consider HIS feelings. Takingvthat further, if he says he loves you and wants to get married, but you don’t, does that mean you go through with it because you need to consider HIS feelings?

Also

If you you need to consider HIS feelings, sure he needs to consider yours? You aren’t comfortable with the amount of contact. Those are YOUR feelings. What consideration is he making for them?

Run.

LavenderBush · 07/12/2018 09:17

Oh my God, please do not see him ever again.

Block communication if you can.

Do you have family or friends who you can tell about this so that they can support you through it? Because this guy is scary.

TshoTsho · 07/12/2018 09:35

Standard display of sociopathic techniques (the sympathy play is a huge giveaway). You are a "game" he is trying to win. You won't hurt his feelings, he probably doesn't have any. Do not engage.

Forgotmycoat · 07/12/2018 09:40

He has not changed at all, he is merely changing his tactics and manipulating you again. You are single now. This IS the time to be selfish and only consider your own feelings. I would advise you to really reflect on why you ended the relationship.
He was financially controlling
He was distant and emotionally unavailable.
He may have been unfaithful during the relationship
He Is a master manipulator. He threatened suicide to guilt you into continuing the relationship. That to me is unforgivable. He is still making you feel guilty.
In all honesty, you're free of him and his manipulation. Don't go back. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself the opportunity to create a happier life away from him.

0ccamsRazor · 07/12/2018 09:46

If anyone threatens suicide you should wave them goodbye. End of.

If you suspect that he is suicidal you hand it over to the police, then wave them goodbye. End of.

Then you block them from communicating with you.

He is not going to change, he doesnt respect you, he does nothing to enhance your life in a positive manner.

You need to put bounderies in place and you would be wise to stick to them.

Deadringer · 07/12/2018 09:46

He threatened suicide? You need to keep away from this man, far, far away.

Original poster
Supermarketaddict · 07/12/2018 09:49

Thank you all very much for your replies and confirming what I suspected. It's a massive reassurance that I am not going insane and my reality is as I see it and now how he sees it. When I've doubted myself so much for so long because of the things he says, it really takes it's toll. It's strange because when I am away from him I can see it better (still doubt myself though) but the minute I see him or hear his voice, I wonder how I could possibly have demonised him to myself. I made notes in the end to ground myself and that's what helped me end it in the first place.

My family do not approve of him and have told me to keep my distance. I try and try but he calls all the time and I am alone a lot, so when he is the only person calling regularly I get friendlier with him. Time to make new friends I think! I'm not trying to make excuses, it's meant more as an observation and I will work on that.

OP posts:
curlykaren · 07/12/2018 09:52

He is trying to reel you back in. If he is successful in doing so he will then dump you. Please understand it is a game of winner v loser for him. Walk away now as the winner before he further dismantles your life and mental health x

Original poster
Supermarketaddict · 07/12/2018 09:53

TshoTsho - funnily enough I once bought the book 'The Sociopath Next Door' to try and figure out if he was one but never had chance to read it. I will get on that ASAP! Thanks for your help.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 07/12/2018 09:53

Your phone has a wonderful feature where you can stop a number from calling the phone. It’s called blocking.

You know he is a manipulator and that you struggle when around him.

One message saying you have decided to end it and that you want no more contact with him. Then block everything.

smiler0206 · 07/12/2018 09:55

RUN you can't be with someone out of guilt, you will never be happy if you do that. Put yourself first and move on

LavenderBush · 07/12/2018 10:01

Also: you don't need to give him any reason or explanation of why you don't want to see him again. You do NOT have to justify your decision to him or get into any discussions where he tries to talk you round or guilt-trip you or manipulate you in any other way.

Block block block and then block some more!! This is one creepy and controlling guy.

allwrite · 07/12/2018 10:02

It looks as though he's trying to re-establish power and control over you.

As it's your life, it's your choice as to whether he's allowed to do that.

Snowwontbelong · 07/12/2018 10:05

Sounds very much like my exp. Split for 6 months, convinced me he had changed. Got back together and married ten weeks later - his insistance - I regretted it within a week!! Lasted less than a year.
You have walked away.
Now keep walking.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 07/12/2018 11:12

You're being manipulated. Block him and run far away. I've just left a relationship like this and the man tried every trick in the book from begging, threatening suicide (still able to update his social media from beyond the grave though) and when he didn't get what he wanted he became vindictive. All it showed was it was never about how I felt, it was only about him.

You deserve better.

Musti · 07/12/2018 11:14

Do what I did. Write yourself an email listing everything that he's done bad to you, how badly he has made you feel. I had to do that because I am naturally very forgiving and kept getting reeled in. For the first few months after our split, every time I wavered I read the list and kept adding to it. It made a massive difference.

Original poster
Supermarketaddict · 07/12/2018 11:22

Thank you everybody! Your words are giving me strength and clarity.

He is also pushing to get married and move back in as soon as possible. I just thought that would make it harder to escape him if he hadn't changed.

OP posts:
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