Am I being manipulated?

[Supermarketaddict]

Hi, I wonder if anyone could enlighten me at all please?

Bit of back story. I ended relationship with ex DP about 6 months ago. I'd suspected manipulation but doubted myself a lot, I suspected infidelity but any evidence i found was explained away and he was financially abusive and now admits he was stupid with money but doesn't view his actions as abusive.

Since splitting he says he has changed and has begged and negotiated for us to get back together and even threatened suicide. I told him I wouldn't be getting back with him but he has worn me down to accepting having a date with him last week. It was lovely but now he is pushing to see me all this coming weekend. I felt anxious about it so messaged him and said how I felt and that I would rather just see him one night as it's all going a bit too quickly for my liking. He has rung me in tears saying it's not just my feelings I need to take into consideration, he's just in love and wants to see me and yet I'm so distant (he was avoidant of me in the relationship and it was me wanting to see him). I am usually considerate of other people's feelings to the point of putting them first but I am trying to learn to stick up for myself and not just go along with other people's needs to appease them. I now feel like I'm selfish and that perhaps I'm doing things wrong by saying how I feel and saying no. Is that the case? Can anybody tell me if I am in the wrong or if he is trying to manipulate me again? If it's the latter I will know he has not changed and there will be no more dates.

Thanks for reading. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

That's a very good book, short and easy to read really. Read ASAP. It's not easy to diagnose a socio without a brain scanner, but yours seem to be be bang to rights.
Heck, your intuition (aka powerfull pattern matching analytic tools) cut through his crap and told you he is a sociopath (you bough the book after all).
You do sound very clued up.

OP, he is wearing you down because he is manipulative and controlling. Every time he turns on the tears and tells you what you need to do to make him happy, ask yourself 'Would I say these things to someone that I loved as deeply as he says he loves me?' the answer will be undoubtedly not. Normal people do not insist that people they love consider only them and nothing else, normal people do not say 'if you don't do what I want I will kill myself and that will be on your head'. Your family see it, your friends see it - protect yourself, please x x x

He is totally manipulating you.

Cancel the date next week.

Then block him from your phone and email.

Please do this immediately.

Do not get reeled back in by his bullshit.

Stand your ground. You can do this.

I can only echo what PP's have said, BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK and RUN! You've managed to escape this manipulative sociopathic abusive asshole and he is just trying to reel you back in so he wins his little game and has you back under his control.
Note in your OP that he hasn't actually taken any responsibility for his actions when you were together? He wasn't abusive he was just a bit silly with money.
Everything he is saying to you is about him, how you have to consider his feelings. There is nothing about him considering you in any of this, YOU need to consider you and stay as far away from him as possible. The whole 'I'll kill myself if you don't take me back' bollocks is text book emotional blackmail, he's trying to make you responsible for HIS actions. No one is responsible for his actions but him.
Oh, and while this may sound harsh, he doesn't love you. He never did and he never will because narcissists and sociopaths don't have the capability of loving anyone.

Block him

You are not responsible for him - you dont want this and his needs certainly dont trump yours.

You need to cut him off completely

If he genuinely loved you he would never have treated you badly in the first place. We can all be forgiving for certain things but not his behaviour.
Men like him play on good nature. He knows how to make you feel sorry for him and feel guilty. Please remember the reason you broke up was HIS fault, not yours. He only has himself to blame.
What sort of a person threatens suicide? BLOCK.

I am usually considerate of other people's feelings to the point of putting them first but I am trying to learn to stick up for myself and not just go along with other people's needs to appease them.

I’d also recommend looking at doing the Freedom Program to help learn how to identify this type of man in the early stages of a relationship and help improve your self esteem and ability to stand up for yourself.

Thank you for all your help. I will message him and cancel. My head is a bit of a mess but I am taking all your advice and the fact I feel anxious about meeting him.

Also thank you Tsho Tsho it's reassuring to know that I am able to analyse and figure things out when I feel and felt so confused most of the time. It's almost as though he challenged my core me, the bit that you get from childhood whereby your beliefs and morals are instilled which left me confused and not knowing how to behave, act or feel.

Tears - for himself not you - trying to make you feel guilty
Suicide threats - Emotional blackmail

Both are tactics of the narc.

Your instincts are telling you everything you need to know. Believe in your own judgement. You are absolutely going to thrive away from this man.

Good luck

Thank you Tanterose, I have watched the link and found it very helpful.

Thank you WhiteVixen for recommending The Freedom Project, I will look into it.

I'm sorry I haven't mentioned everyone's names but I have read all the posts and the entire lot, are insightful, helpful and really appreciated. Thank you!

Yup. You’re being manipulated. Run!

Not read the whole thread but I noticed you said that you were quite lonely and that has led you to stay with him or let him back in sometimes.

Address this!

Get out there and meet people. Join meet ups, clubs, groups, anything you can so that you have some sort of social life and so that you are not so vulnerable.

Best of luck getting away from this self obsessed bastard

This is manipulation - dealt with a similar ex and trust me that you need to escape from him being able to contact you.

You can ghost him or be blunt with something like "I've changed as a person and I need to stop contact between us for my own good. I understand this may seem harsh but I need to put myself and my wellbeing first. I know that you will understand this and respect my wishes of you still love me" (basically give him no way out if he claims to love you and him being selfish if about him). If he doesn't respect that then inform him "Due to your behaviour towards me in the past and recent changes in the law which shows your behaviour as illegally abusive I will contact the police and get a restraining order as well as pursue charges. This is to protect myself from your past and current abusive/manipulative behaviour"

Freedom project is great by the way as a resource. Been given info about it and was going to go on the course but I then moved and got some cbt which helped.

Thank you transpeaked and chamomileteaplease. Yeah I'm working on making new friends and trying to get out and about a bit more. Being alone is definitely a factor which has weakened my resolve.

Lilly, thank you and thanks for the suggestion as to what to write to him. I've been thinking about it all day, trying to think of something that shows there's no coming back but without sounding mean as I know he has lied and demonised me to his colleagues (he's happily told me their opinions of me) and then showing them the message as proof of me being horrible. He always plays the victim.

I'll definitely look into the Freedom Project, downloaded the book to accompany it already but found and started reading 'the sociopath next door' and so far it is frighteningly accurate!

Thank you everyone!

Don’t forget, you don’t owe him anything. You are not obliged to continue in a relationship with him. You don’t need to have ‘a reason’ for this, just the fact that you don’t want to is enough.

His happiness is not your responsibility. You don't have to do anything just because he says so, and you certainly don't have to consider his feelings - he won't put your feelings first, will he? He is only interested in getting you to do as you are told, and manipulating you into feeling guilty if you don't 'behave'.

Stay strong

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>

Manipulative, yes. No concern for your feelings here.

If you have to ask yourself whether you are being manipulated or not then you probably are. 🌸

I agree with Vixen. Even if he was a great guy you are still allowed to split up with him if you want to. Totally in your hands, your decision.
But he is not a good guy. Your most important job is looking after yourself . You are not responsible for him. If you look up a list of all the things these guys say he has made the complete list...so predictible. You are going nowhere with this guy.

Don’t write to him. Don’t tell him about this thread. Don’t tell him about himself - in all likelihood this will enrage him.