DH, no sex and being horrible

[WhatToDoNowPlease]

I've been debating posting for a while, I have AS so I'm not sure what is usual in a relationship.

Background first as it's relevant, a bit long though so I'm sorry. I will try and condense it.

I met DH at 15, started dating at 16 and we married when I was 29. Since getting married we now have two little boys, aged 2 and 6 months.

Before DS2 was conceived, we were working on our relationship as around 2006 DH's sex drive plummeted and it has been a huge issue. We would talk about it and he always had a reason (tired from driving to uni to see me on weekend, stressed with first job, money worries, etc).

Whenever we talk it ends with him promising to work on things but nothing ever changes. We have been to counselling which I found humiliating (when asked what I found attractive about him I answered. When he was asked he just sat in silence and stared ahead until she dropped the subject) and pointless. Most sex felt like duty sex and not fun at all. We did try out seeing another couple around that time, wasn't for me and DH was put off by having to look at another man, however he was fine with the female half of the couple. She would occasionally come over and he was all for doing stuff when she was there which I found incredibly hurtful. Anyway, we stopped that and are still friends with the couple.

DH broached the idea of getting married, he said that things would be fixed by the time we got married. They were not, he said we would work on things during the honeymoon, Nope. Then said by Christmas. Nope. During this time decided to start trying for DS1 in the January, I guess mistakenly thinking lots of sex would fix things. However we had sex twice and I had a positive pregnancy test less than 2 weeks later. Barely had sex during pregnancy until about 8 months when it was extremely difficult as we had no experience of adapting around the bump so we gave up.

After DS1 was born we slept together 6 weeks pp and then not for a long time. When DS1 was 10 months old I decided enough was enough and threw all of my effort into fixing things. We had a mishap, I took the morning after pill within 24 hours but DS2 was already conceived. DH furious that I was pregnant (I was not happy either, I was still on maternity leave and I was scared) and told me I should terminate the pregnancy. I did not do that as I already felt protective over baby.

I had hyperemesis, no sympathy even when I was hospitalised. He had to be convinced to call 111 and to take me to an appointment as I was too weak. He ignored my vomiting and would keep a conversation going with me while I was throwing up and get cross when I asked him to repeat himself as I couldn't hear him. He was ill towards the end of the pregnancy and tried to stay in bed after throwing up once and was angry when I said no as I was heavily pregnant and needed help with the newly walking toddler and still vomiting multiple times a day.

During pregnancy I found he had been chatting to a friend who was a prostitute and checking on her via FB messenger after her clients had left. He had apparently been friends with her for 5 years and just decided to hide the friendship from me. I was very upset, especially when I saw the conversations where she told him to leave me and that I should have aborted DS2.

During pregnancy DH was increasingly horrible to me. No sex since DS2 was conceived at all. Apparently I don't lose my sex drive even after having babies so it isn't that I've refused. During labour I was woken in the night by mild contractions and asked him to put the TENS on my back and he was cross, told me I wasn't in labour and to shut up as he was tired. Eventually he was convinced into helping me. During the labour I was distracting myself (homebirth, DS1 at nursery) and was browsing on the computer during contractions. He told me to fucking shut up during a contraction which was upsetting. I took myself off into the bathroom and stayed in there until DS2 was about to be born and called him in as I hadn't called the midwife back. He didn't believe me and tried to get me to stand up and go to the pool, swore when I didn't move out of the way quickly enough to let him in and repeatedly told me I was not giving birth until he could see DS2's head. He delivered DS2, called maternity unit and they said to call ambulance to be on the safe side. He did and the ambulance man asked him questions, he didn't know the answer as he had just wandered off and left me and DS2 on the bathroom floor. We were fine.

Since DS2 he has been increasingly horrible. He's called me fat, a bitch, lazy, stupid, selfish, refused to have much to do with DS2 but kept taking DS1 out away from me and wouldn't hold DS2 so I could spend time with DS1.

He went out to lunch with a new friend of mine and didn't tell me. When I had evidence he just denied it, then got angry with me for 'snooping'. Her car has been outside the soft play place he went with DS1 so he knows this would have badly upset me. He also took her to A&E to help her for an entire day, when he has never done that for me without complaining about the inconvenience to him. He was surprised that I didn't fancy him taking DS1 out to a theme park with her for a day without me.

Given the background above, would you think that the sex situation could ever be salvaged or have all the other issues completely eclipsed that issue and mean there's no coming back from this? I just think that if the sex situation was resolved then other issues would become minor.

Yes, I know I shouldn't have married him, I did because I loved him and wanted to be with him and believed him.

He's not on the ASD spectrum, he's on the nasty piece of shit spectrum
on the far end of it

Wow, you deserve so much more, you say he may also be on the spectrum but can that excuse his despicable behaviour. Be strong OP, I know change is hard, very hard but you need to honour and respect yourself and dc2, because sure as hell your DH will never change

To clarify, he didn't refuse to call for help, I shut myself in the bathroom and when I realised how close I was I called him and he called the midwife. Unfortunately I was much closer than I thought and baby arrived very shortly after the telephone call. He had been downstairs setting up the birthing pool and said he didn't hear me calling over the sound of the pump and the water.

I am aware he should have been checking on me.

I'm speechless, his behaviour sounds awful OP surely it can't be a good atmosphere to live in. My ex husband was abusive so it makes for difficult reading. Ring Women’s Aid even just for a chat

I'm sorry reading this thread makes you feel stupid and small. You're bit stupid at all, but you have been conditioned to tolerate horrendous treatment and now it's time to acknowledge this and recognise him for what he is.

What if we start divorcing and he realises and is normal again? Maybe he's depressed?

This will never happen. It's time to accept reality as it really is and stop hoping for it to be different.

Check the facts:

How many years has he been abusive towards you?

List all the horrendous things he's done without minimising or making excuses. Don't explain it away with speculation as to his motives or intentions, just write down the facts of each incident. Look at your first post here as a starting block.

Would you recommend that another woman tolerate such behaviour from a partner?

How much of you turning a blind eye to his ill treatment of you is motivated by fear of the future alone? You've never known anything different, is terror of the unknown shackling you to him?

Do you want your dc to mirror his treatment of you as they get older? Because they will.

Women leave wealthier husbands all the time. I'm not saying it's easy but it is possible and shouldn't be an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship.

Just because he was nice occasionally doesn't mean the abuse should be tolerated. There's no 'rough with the smooth' here, just abuse.

What you want from him doesn't exist and hasn't done for years. The liklihood of you getting whst you hope for is non-existent.

Allow yourself to really see what is happening here and grieve the life and relationship you once hoped to have. Being stuck where you are must be torture, but you're keeping yourself there.

It is very hard to read the replies. They make me feel stupid and small. I know that isn't the intention.

You don't sound stupid or small. You've been with this man forever and you've become accustomed to how he treats you. It's only when you describe what's going on to outsiders that you start to recognize how unhealthy your relationship is.

And I totally understand your fear of losing the financial security he provides. You don't have to decide on divorce right away. It's not a competition.

But do you want to be with this cruel man for another ten years? I think you know the answer. It's not good for your DC to see you treated like this. So perhaps slowly get yourself together and plan a new future. You fear sharing access but it's good for DC to have a relationship with both parents and a lot of single mums enjoy their me time. Sounds like he's unlikely to want much time for your DC2 anyway.

I have severe depression and have had it on and off for most of my life. I have never been unkind to people because of it. The worst thing I do is to stop contacting friends because I feel I suck joy out of the world and I'll be a bore. That's it. I am just as loving to my family when I'm depressed as when I'm not.

The calling for help was just the end part after hours of him treating you like shit. Him finally doing it does not undo all the appalling behaviour that went on before.

You deserve so much more than this, do not stay and allow him to abuse you further. Don't try and fix him, focus your energy on leaving. He's vile and the longer you stay the less you will be able to see it as he will destroy your self esteem and make you doubt yourself.

I'm not going to say anything that others haven't said but wow.

It is irrelevant how long he has been behaving like this, the point is that he is. He isn't happy that you didn't abort HIS baby because you BOTH didn't take precautions and you want him around you and your children?

You and they deserve better. I didn't every plan or want to be divorced either but looks like that is what's happening because a divorce handled responsibly is better than a life spent with someone who doesn't respect or love you and this 'man' clearly does do any of those things.

Sex is the least of your worries.

*doesn't do

I am so shocked at what I have just read. You do not deserve to be treated the way he has treated you.

Please, please leave him. I know it's not always that simple. But this is not normal whatsoever. The way he treated you during your second pregnancy was absolutely horrendous.

I know some women like their me time, and an hour or so would be lovely, but I really like being with my children and I don't even like being apart from ds1 for the morning he is at nursery right now. It's horrible being at work without him for the mornings (still on maternity leave).

I know I'm making excuses, I just don't know what situation is the least horrible for me.

Oh for goodness sake. He is an abusive wanker, stop asking people to tell you it's fixable when it's clearly not. You need to start the separation process and get yourself away from that horrible man.

I know.

Wouldn't you want people to come on and say that their DH was a git around an unplanned pregnancy, but when he realised how much the baby brings to his life he went back to normal?

That's what I wanted. Clearly I am not going to sadly.

I'm trying to see what both scenarios are like, I don't deal well with change and I need to make a list, but can't until dc are in bed. Ds1 is napping and ds2 is playing on his mat and will go down for another one just before ds1 wakes.

Has it ever been normal though?
Stop excusing his behaviour, as others have said your OP was so difficult to read. What a waste of your life with this vile scum. I feel sorry for your kids. The cycle will just keep continuing. Stop defending him. What you have outlined is horrendous behaviour. It's not normal on any level. Stop staying for the rare times he is 'nice' (doubt that greatly). He is an asshole. You need to get yourself together now and leave him. Everything else will fall into place but first you need to get away from him.

I do get how hard all this is to process but now that you know you have to act on this knowledge

Wouldn't you want people to come on and say that their DH was a git around an unplanned pregnancy, but when he realised how much the baby brings to his life he went back to normal?

The thing is that he was treating you badly before all this. You'd been unhappy with the relationship for years before the pregnancy. It's all written in your op clear as day.

Also, he wasn't merely a 'git'. He was abusive beyond belief! There is no going back from that, there just isn't.

Stop wishing and hoping for the impossible. It's time to look at reality and deal with it head on. No more avoiding seeing it for what it is, no more minimising, no more fantasy land where he's magically not an abusive bastard.

Don’t worry op these things take time.

Jesus, he was 50% responsible for getting you pregnant and he was 100% responsible for leaving you to give birth on the bathroom floor ALONE. Where is your anger at him? He's ground you down love.

OP I am aspie too if that makes any diff. Please dont feel stupid. Loads of us have been in shit relationships and that is why people are trying to help you open your eyes. Theres a lot of pull to just keep things the same - better the devil you know than the devil you dont. I just want you to know that you dont deserve to be treated badly, and also it is not your responsibility to teach him how to behave like a decent human being because quite frankly it sounds like hes abusive and neglectful, and you dont have enough experience of what good men can be like to realise, and also you sound really fearful of change, but sometimes you do have to make changes, especially for the sake of our children if we cant do it for ourselves.
Noones forcing you, but you should seriously consider it

But your baby is already here and he's still behaving like this.

Even if he had had an epiphany once the baby was born, that does NOT excuse his behaviour towards you while pregnant with a toddler to look after.

It's his mentality that has changed, not the birth of your DS2 that's been the factor. It's hardly a huge, crazy decision for a married couple to have a 2nd child that it would cause him to become abusive towards you

After the way he treated you during labor, I'm very surprised you even want to sleep with him. If he can treat you like that then, how do you think he will treat you in old age?

Ridiculous that he was somehow "furious" at you getting pregnant with your second child as if he somehow played no part in it at all.

Lots of people have been through much worse e.g. a death in the family, affairs, serious money problems, ill healthe etc. without suddenly becoming abusive to their partners so very unlikely the event of your DS2 being conceived has caused all this

If it was literally only the sex issue and I hadn't posted about his horrible behaviour, would you all still say to leave?

Personally I think he does love me but he is extremely lazy and can't be bothered to put any effort into the relationship. The result is the same as if he didn't love me.

He doesn't love you or respect you. If he did then he would never have acted in this way towards you, in labour, when you were ill, etc.

He took your friend to a & e but not you, that tells you everything.

He has chosen to be this way, he choses when to look after someone else and when not to look after you. This is a conscious definite decision on his part.

Op please go get advice on money and assets and plan your escape.

I think you need some counselling in real life OP.

I don't know if I'll explain this well and this could be irrelevant, I don't know. But I'm also autistic and only found out as an adult. I've since realised that what I counted as extremely abusive behaviour from my mum especially towards me when I was a child was almost definitely because she's on the spectrum too, and couldn't handle much. I wouldn't say it's been as easy as "I now forgive her and it's all okay", but it's getting close to that, and it's made me easier on myself and making "mistakes" too.

You sound like you don't want to repeat her mistakes, but in doing that you're making some new ones of your own that will hurt your children. Does that make any sense? I'm saying this thinking of DH who was the unwanted second child, blamed himself for so much when he was young, and he's estranged from his dad as an adult. There aren't many Hollywood endings from attachment disorders out there sadly.

So maybe you need to focus on you and what you want with a counsellor? Forget the idea of him changing as he won't. There's no huge rush here, take your time over the next few months and think, plan, prepare.