I've been debating posting for a while, I have AS so I'm not sure what is usual in a relationship.
Background first as it's relevant, a bit long though so I'm sorry. I will try and condense it.
I met DH at 15, started dating at 16 and we married when I was 29. Since getting married we now have two little boys, aged 2 and 6 months.
Before DS2 was conceived, we were working on our relationship as around 2006 DH's sex drive plummeted and it has been a huge issue. We would talk about it and he always had a reason (tired from driving to uni to see me on weekend, stressed with first job, money worries, etc).
Whenever we talk it ends with him promising to work on things but nothing ever changes. We have been to counselling which I found humiliating (when asked what I found attractive about him I answered. When he was asked he just sat in silence and stared ahead until she dropped the subject) and pointless. Most sex felt like duty sex and not fun at all. We did try out seeing another couple around that time, wasn't for me and DH was put off by having to look at another man, however he was fine with the female half of the couple. She would occasionally come over and he was all for doing stuff when she was there which I found incredibly hurtful. Anyway, we stopped that and are still friends with the couple.
DH broached the idea of getting married, he said that things would be fixed by the time we got married. They were not, he said we would work on things during the honeymoon, Nope. Then said by Christmas. Nope. During this time decided to start trying for DS1 in the January, I guess mistakenly thinking lots of sex would fix things. However we had sex twice and I had a positive pregnancy test less than 2 weeks later. Barely had sex during pregnancy until about 8 months when it was extremely difficult as we had no experience of adapting around the bump so we gave up.
After DS1 was born we slept together 6 weeks pp and then not for a long time. When DS1 was 10 months old I decided enough was enough and threw all of my effort into fixing things. We had a mishap, I took the morning after pill within 24 hours but DS2 was already conceived. DH furious that I was pregnant (I was not happy either, I was still on maternity leave and I was scared) and told me I should terminate the pregnancy. I did not do that as I already felt protective over baby.
I had hyperemesis, no sympathy even when I was hospitalised. He had to be convinced to call 111 and to take me to an appointment as I was too weak. He ignored my vomiting and would keep a conversation going with me while I was throwing up and get cross when I asked him to repeat himself as I couldn't hear him. He was ill towards the end of the pregnancy and tried to stay in bed after throwing up once and was angry when I said no as I was heavily pregnant and needed help with the newly walking toddler and still vomiting multiple times a day.
During pregnancy I found he had been chatting to a friend who was a prostitute and checking on her via FB messenger after her clients had left. He had apparently been friends with her for 5 years and just decided to hide the friendship from me. I was very upset, especially when I saw the conversations where she told him to leave me and that I should have aborted DS2.
During pregnancy DH was increasingly horrible to me. No sex since DS2 was conceived at all. Apparently I don't lose my sex drive even after having babies so it isn't that I've refused. During labour I was woken in the night by mild contractions and asked him to put the TENS on my back and he was cross, told me I wasn't in labour and to shut up as he was tired. Eventually he was convinced into helping me. During the labour I was distracting myself (homebirth, DS1 at nursery) and was browsing on the computer during contractions. He told me to fucking shut up during a contraction which was upsetting. I took myself off into the bathroom and stayed in there until DS2 was about to be born and called him in as I hadn't called the midwife back. He didn't believe me and tried to get me to stand up and go to the pool, swore when I didn't move out of the way quickly enough to let him in and repeatedly told me I was not giving birth until he could see DS2's head. He delivered DS2, called maternity unit and they said to call ambulance to be on the safe side. He did and the ambulance man asked him questions, he didn't know the answer as he had just wandered off and left me and DS2 on the bathroom floor. We were fine.
Since DS2 he has been increasingly horrible. He's called me fat, a bitch, lazy, stupid, selfish, refused to have much to do with DS2 but kept taking DS1 out away from me and wouldn't hold DS2 so I could spend time with DS1.
He went out to lunch with a new friend of mine and didn't tell me. When I had evidence he just denied it, then got angry with me for 'snooping'. Her car has been outside the soft play place he went with DS1 so he knows this would have badly upset me. He also took her to A&E to help her for an entire day, when he has never done that for me without complaining about the inconvenience to him. He was surprised that I didn't fancy him taking DS1 out to a theme park with her for a day without me.
Given the background above, would you think that the sex situation could ever be salvaged or have all the other issues completely eclipsed that issue and mean there's no coming back from this? I just think that if the sex situation was resolved then other issues would become minor.
Yes, I know I shouldn't have married him, I did because I loved him and wanted to be with him and believed him.