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Original poster

Not engaged after 8 years

51 replies

katy78 · 06/12/2018 21:16

Hi all, I really want to get married but am finding it hard to get a straight answer from my partner. We got together when I was 22 and him 25 and I am now 29 (30 in March) and he is 32 (33 in April). It’s been sort of easy for me to explain away to myself why we aren’t engaged yet.
The first year we worked together then the year after I went back to Uni to do my masters. The year after that when I finished he went to Uni for 3 years to retrain. After that we worked for a year while still living at home. Then in 2016 we relocated and moved in together for the first time while I started my PhD. In January 2018 we moved into our own home with a mortgage and have been renovating that, which has been a bit of a money pit and that takes us to today.

My partner used to say he wouldn’t think about marrying me until we live together. Now he says he just isn’t ready and doesn’t know when he will be and that I should respect that. He says we can’t afford it, which is true at the moment but I don’t see why we can’t get engaged and plan for a wedding for 2021. He hates to discuss it and is only very vague with me. Refuses to discuss timelines. Says he just thinks it is a complete waste of money.

It’s getting to the point now where it is eating away at me. I’ve hit breaking point tonight and I am sleeping in the spare room and sort of insinuated our relationship is done. He seemed to just accept this and said well if that’s what you want, I’m happy with the way things are but if you aren’t...

OP posts:
Original poster
katy78 · 06/12/2018 23:51

I honestly don’t know how to leave. I have a year left on my PhD. We haven’t even been in this house a year yet but the mortgage is fixed until Feb 2020. I have no idea how to deal with the house, we have joint bank account and owe money, which probably won’t be paid off until 2020 and added to that the house still has two more rooms that needs renovating! I am an hour and a half from any family or friends, who live two hours away from my work.

I feel so stuck and desperately unhappy, for me getting married is something I want in my life. If I don’t get married it is something I will always regret and it’s clear I am already harbouring resentment as time goes by. He is also saying he doesn’t think he wants children. I am unsure about whether or not I want children due to my health (Crohn’s disease), but I don’t like the idea that its not an option. And again I don’t want to look back and regret when it’s too late.

OP posts:
Sethis · 07/12/2018 00:01

For most people having completely different views on both marriage AND children would be an instant deal-breaker. He might be a lovely guy and fun to be around, but if you want marriage and kids in your life and he doesn't then you need to find someone who does.

This isn't stuff that you just change your mind about overnight. He isn't going to budge from this.

stayathomegardener · 07/12/2018 00:01

I personally would immediately separate joint finances and get three estate agents in to value the house. Show him you mean business.
Yes you might take a hit on its value selling now but really what other choices do you have.

Confused sad for you.

GemmeFatale · 07/12/2018 00:11

If you want marriage and maybe kids you don’t have the time to wait for the perfect moment to sell the house and pay back the debt.

Get the house valued. You’ll probably make a loss but ask yourself is that number more important than a potentially happy life with a husband and children?

You’re talking about sunk cost. That money and time is lost if you leave now or in ten years once your fertility has walked off a cliff.

Put no more into this relationship if you aren’t getting value back.

And start dating. You don’t have to wait for the house to sell and it takes a while to get into he swing of it again

GoblinsAndGhouls · 07/12/2018 06:27

This is why I think SRE education needs to focus far more on the R than it does!

OP, you are clearly an intelligent woman and have shackled yourself to someone who was clearly ambivalent about marriage and now it's only as the reality of 'no marriage' and the weight of the shackle is becoming clear that you are thinking clearly. Saying he wouldn't consider marriage until you'd moved in together, isn't even saying that he would get married at that point. He has just been kicking the can down the road the whole time.

I wish we could eradicate this societal expectation to marry; the desire to settle down and marry in your 20s and this tendancy women have to believe whatever men tell them!

From what you say, the signs were all there you just didn't know how to read them.

Shepherdspieisminging · 07/12/2018 06:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Escolar · 07/12/2018 06:37

If after 8 years he’s not ready, and can’t see a time when he will be, even though he realises that it’s important to you, then he doesn’t want to marry you and probably never will.

Sorry OP, but joint financial commitment isn’t a good enough reason to stay with someone who isn’t that into you. Sell the house. Start extricating yourself now.

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2018 06:37

If marriage is important to you then you know what you have to do.

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2018 06:38

Next time, have the discussion a lot sooner than 8 years in about whether he ever wants to get married or not

category12 · 07/12/2018 07:02

Op, you need to get some advice on how to separate finances and on the house. Sell up, get yourself out of this.

As a first step, get legal/financial advice. Don't stay because of debt or the house, deep down it's an excuse, and you shouldn't put your life on hold.

Life is too short. It'll be tough for a bit, but better now while you still have years of fertility ahead and a chance to make the sort of life you want.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2018 07:11

Start separating the finances and extricate yourself emotionally from this relationship. He seems not at all bothered about whether you remain with him or not so its well and truly over anyway. Its all been on his terms anyway and he has the majority of the power and control within this relationship. Joint financial commitments are no reason to remain with him either.

Alfie190 · 07/12/2018 07:26

I have seen this many times. You split and I bet he is married or engaged to somebody else within the year.

He doesn't want to marry you. He is happy to pass time with you for now. Move on, you can't force someone to marry you.

Cuttingthegrass · 07/12/2018 07:53

He has been very honest with you. He doesn't want to get married and often the 'not sur I want children' is trying to be gentle about it but implies he doesn't want any commitment with you.

I agree with valuing the house, getting financial advice and then a heartfelt honest discussion about the future with him

LoubyLou1234 · 07/12/2018 08:03

Me and my partner have been together 7.5 yes. No engagement. We have a house and mortgage to me that is a big commitment. I never thought I'd want to get married.

However we have discussed it and eventually I think we will, neither of us want a big party type thing. But also in no rush. We are very happy and settled and I've seen so many telationships fail once married. There are other ways to show commitment.

Houses are expensive and a stressful time, maybe he does have a plan to propose but you obviously aren't on the same page right now. He knows once you get engaged it'll all be about the wedding even 3 years away when he wants to focus on the house. Can you come to a compromise?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/12/2018 08:14

maybe he does have a plan to propose but you obviously aren't on the same page right now

It would be very foolish to carry on presuming that eventually he'll want to propose, let alone that he's planning it, when he has said that he doesn't want to.

It may work for you if neither of you are particularly wanting to get married; but OP is, and if she wants marriage and potentially children and he doesn't, she is wasting time waiting to see if he changes his mind. He's had eight years to do so. If he still isn't ready, there's nothing to say he ever will be.

And to be fair to him; it's okay not to want to get married and it sounds like he has now been honest with OP about his intentions regarding marriage and children; so OP can now make up her own mind about whether this is still what she wants.

llangennith · 07/12/2018 08:16

LoubyLou your situation is entirely different from the OP's. She really wants to get married and her BF does not. He's given clear indications that he'd rather break up than get married.

m0vinf0rward · 07/12/2018 08:57

If he doesn't want children there's very little reason for him to marry. What tangible benefits does he as a man get from marriage that he doesn't get from a long-term co-habiting relationship? Ask yourself what exactly is the reason why you want to get married...and does any of it match up with what he wants? If it's that Important to you ..leave. Personally I think he's doing the right thing...he's told you he doesn't want it, he can't be clearer than that.. unless you came here to try and find reasons to brow beat him into marriage...leave it alone or move on.

MMmomDD · 07/12/2018 09:06

OP - people with your condition have children. Talk to your doctor, re your specific situation, but I have friends who did.
So - have all the facts before you decide if you want kids.

And besides that - it seems that your relationship is by now only there because as young people you fell into it and it works...

It happens. People change over their 20s and realise they want different things.
Don’t waste your life, just because you have a mortgage at the age of 30 and feel stuck. There are always ways to get unstuck.
You still have a long life ahead of you.

ArkAtEee · 07/12/2018 10:04

OP just as an aside, I have Crohn's and had a healthy pregnancy and child despite massive previous illness and surgery.

There are pregnancy-safe drugs to manage Crohn's if necessary and the risk of the child inheriting the condition is lower than you might think.

Just for you to bear in mind while you decide whether children are right for you.

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 07/12/2018 10:04

OP please don't waste your life for the sake of a mortgage. Many women worth Crohn's disease have children, myself included!
Talk to him and be straight. You need to know where you stand. He needs to know that no marriage or children is a deal breaker for you.

reallyanotherone · 07/12/2018 10:17

House is easy. One of you moves out, the other gets housemates. Use the rental income to pay the rent on a separate house share/flat.

Until you are ready to sell and split any proceeds, or one can afford to buy the other out.

Or stay in a housemate arrangement if you can maintain that sort of relationship.

I think the big question is does he not want to get married to anyone, ever, or does he not want to get married to you? I could have quite happily never got married as I don’t see the point, but that applied to any and every partner.

Sausagerollers · 07/12/2018 10:52

Why are your standards so low?
Do you realise you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them?
You want marriage & the possibility at least of DC, he doesn't.
You aren't a match.
Move on.
Find someone who wants the same things as you, and who wants you as much as you want them.

SandyY2K · 07/12/2018 22:37

I know people with your condition who have kids.

Don't waste your time with him when it's not what he wants. No man is worth it.

He's not wrong for not wanting what you do .... but staying with him will be your choice, given that he's made his position clear.

Fairylightfurore · 07/12/2018 22:54

You need to talk to him and ask him if he is willing to get married now, or if not you need to ask him to leave. It is clearly a deal-breaker for you but he doesn't know that. If he understands this then he will have to put his cards on the table. I was in a similar situation, similar timeline but he was the younger one. He didn't want to get married or to talk about kids. I asked him to leave. It was awful but I stuck to my guns and tried to move on. After 10 months apart he came back. He had done a lot of soul searching in that time. We were married within a year and 2 kids and 10 years later couldn't be happier. Don't be afraid of asking for what you want. He may not want the same thing in the end but it's no life not following your path. If his path rejoins yours at a later date great. If not you'll be fine too. I would have been.

DustyMaiden · 07/12/2018 23:01

I was in the same situation and in the end I said marry me or jog on. Don’t think it was the right thing to do.

Just coming up to our 35th wedding anniversary.

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