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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex is still living here's and taking the piss

30 replies

BeyondVicious · 06/12/2018 13:38

And yeah he's probably gonna read this but

We finally split back in July, after knowing it was heading that way for a while. As he had to find work (was my carer) we knew he wouldn't be moving straight away, but saving up, getting a deposit and leaving ASAP.

So it is now December, he has been taken on from his temp role to permanent, and he still (despite minimal contribution to bills) has not got a deposit saved. In this time he has also received student loan and money from his mum, so god knows where he's spending it all. Made reference the other day to it being "after Xmas" at the earliest and my patience snapped. Cue him going all F4J and whining that I get the house when I do nothing and he should have the kids all of the time Hmm

Thing is, due to my health he will be having the children 50% of the time, so it is not beneficial for me (tempting as it is at times...) to just kick him out as he wouldn't be able to do that from a hostel, and he has nowhere else (one brother nearby and STBXH says he'd choose the streets over living with him) to go.

So what TF do I do? :(

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 06/12/2018 13:42

What is the situation with you current house...owned or rented? Joint names or in yours alone?

Original poster
BeyondVicious · 06/12/2018 13:43

Rented, solely my name

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 06/12/2018 13:49

Have you got another thread you can link?

I am sure there is a back story to this. Just hard to give advice based on this. Grin

Notacluethisxmas · 06/12/2018 13:51

Don't know where the grin face came from. Sorry.

Original poster
BeyondVicious · 06/12/2018 13:51

No other thread (I don't think?), I've purposely got advice elsewhere as he has been known to stalk mn looking for me. Hopefully that's just in the past now, but you never know...

What back info do you want, I'm happy to share :)

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondVicious · 06/12/2018 13:52

Don't worry about the grin - if I don't laugh about it I'll cry!!

OP posts:
sackrifice · 06/12/2018 14:25

Sorry, what is stopping you from just changing the locks one day?

Original poster
BeyondVicious · 06/12/2018 14:38

Purely the desire to keep things amicable, well alongside needing him to do his share of childcare

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondVicious · 06/12/2018 14:39

It's all very one-sided though (I'm sure he'd disagree of course...) - I basically have a cock lodger without the cock!!

OP posts:
MonaChopsis · 06/12/2018 14:44

If the house is in your name and you don't want to kick him out, how about giving him written notice with a date of your choosing? Look up his rights, as I think you may need to give him one calendar month, so that would indeed take you until after Christmas, but at least you'd both have a set date to work towards. Change the locks on that date whether he's found somewhere or not!

RyderWhiteSwan · 06/12/2018 14:47

I basically have a cock lodger without the cock!!

Grin
Notacluethisxmas · 06/12/2018 14:48

I suppose I think the back story is relevant, because it could look like (from his point of view) that he became your carer, is married to you, you decide you don't want him anymore and now he finds himself having to restart his career (being a carer means it took a hit) and save and move out asap.

Do you no longer need a carer? From what you have written, it could be yourself that's being awful and unreasonable. Not Saying it is, just without the detail it could sound like you are the problem.

Original poster
BeyondVicious · 06/12/2018 14:49

I've given him notice of dates to be out by, he just sails on past them telling me he hasn't found anywhere and can't afford it anyway. My landlords are quite happy to go down legally kicking him out - they are only not at my request that it isn't beneficial for me or the children if he is homeless. I feel stuck, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do (without him being made homeless) to change it. It's having a shit effect on my MH.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondVicious · 06/12/2018 14:58

But not, even if I am the problem - he's been working for over three months now with minimal bills, he should have enough saved for a deposit and he doesn't.

So back story anyway... together for 11 years, married for 8, 2 dcs (8 and 6). Since one month into our relationship he has been having multiple emotional affairs. At the very least - I know he has met up with at least three in person (he worked with one), so there could be physical that I just don't know about. I'd say it's highly likely. He also has ongoing money issues, ran up loads of debt without telling me, worked and didn't declare it to DWP so now I have to pay back money as it was my ESA claim, didn't pay our electricity bills for over a year. He took over the money as the stress was making me ill, seems the result was actually more stressful. Anyway...

After ds2 I became ill. He was still working at this point but we were struggling as he was doing care for me then working shifts. When he was made redundant, he became my FT carer. Alongside my mobility issues etc, I also got a prolapse. So infrequent sex was "my fault"... Hmm

About this time last year he ended it, saying that my health was the reason. Turns out the real reason was his increasing feelings for one of his harem. I made all the effort, I thought I was the problem. Then in about March this year, we had a row about that woman and he said she was more important to him than me. We separated. Later that month he agreed to counselling, agreed to very low contact and said he wanted to try. Short story, he didn't; he didn't try at all. So July I gave up and said this is over.

Yes I do still need a carer, my parents and friends do what they can and I'm managing. But I need time off to recover, hence the importance of him having the DCs 50% of the time

OP posts:
TooOldForThis67 · 06/12/2018 16:14

I wanted to separate from my STBX 19mths ago but he was not in a financial position to afford to move out. It seriously affected my MH. He obviously withdrew from me and treated the house as a hotel, coming and going as he wished. It was worse than when we were together. It was awful. He's been gone 3 weeks now, finally! The relief is immense but it's taking me a long time to recover and get over it.
Maybe I wasn't firm enough and let it drag on but he convinced me he had no other options and I still wanted to keep things as amicable as possible due to DS.
Everyone has their own unique circumstances so the only advice I can give is try and get him out sooner rather than later. Tell him that the landlords will evict him and it's only you that has put a stop to it til now.

Notacluethisxmas · 06/12/2018 18:53

he's been working for over three months now with minimal bills, he should have enough saved for a deposit and he doesn't.

Yes I get that. If you are married it's just not a simple as you can make him leave.

It's so bloody difficult. I was in a similar position. He wouldn't go. In the end, I did. I was my friend A side for 6 months. Fucking awful. You can only go down the legal route if he won't go.

Maelstrop · 06/12/2018 23:35

Marital home=you can't just tell him to go. Your best bet, Imo, is to give notice on the current house then move but not allow him to move with you.

Original poster
BeyondVicious · 07/12/2018 00:36

Moving is an issue, the house has been specially adapted for me at cost to the landlord. If it was as simple as just packing up and leaving, I'd have done that already!!

Ffs, why does he, having already ruined years of my life, have to be such a wanker now too. Angry

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 07/12/2018 04:53

This is who he is and it’s not hard to understand his motivation. Right now, he has a roof over his head, kids on tap and minimal financial outgoings, why would he be in a rush to give that up? Sort childcare (I know that’s easier said than done) because he knows that your reliance on him, stops you from kicking him out.

Villagelifer · 07/12/2018 05:34

I'm sorry OP, it sounds awful.
I understand why you want things amicable but considering his history with money issues it doesn't sound like he's going to go voluntarily. I would look at the options for kicking him out.

MrDonut · 07/12/2018 05:41

Are you married?

If not, he has no right to live there. You need to give him a firm date to move out, then arrange for some friends or family to come round in case things get difficult.

It seems to me he has no intention of moving out.

MrDonut · 07/12/2018 05:42

I mean are you still married or are you divorced?

Blondebakingmumma · 07/12/2018 05:46

This is a shitty spot you are in. Do you share cooking and cleaning? Do you have parents who could look after children to give you a break if you kick him out?

5fivestar · 07/12/2018 07:23

Could the children go to after school or breakfast club to give you a break ? There are 24 hour childcare centres up here in the north west, could you get tax credits to pay for that to give you a break and remove his hold over you ?

llangennith · 07/12/2018 08:33

As the landlord is on your side, could he give you (as the tenant) notice to quit but actually allow you to stay once your husband has moved out?