Keeping me secret from family...

[Waytooearly]

I kind of know what I need to do actually...

For nearly a year I've been in a relationship with this amazing man. We were friends for about four years previously.

So I was happy to just enjoy time together but he's said a few times that he wants to get married and live together. My response was yes. By the way no kids from previous relationships.

He's from a country where there's still a war going on. That's why he's in the UK. (I won't go into more detail just out of respect for his privacy.) He's suffered a lot of losses and his remaining family members all try really hard to keep in touch, constantly on their WhatsApp group despite enforced separation.

I am getting fed up with him keeping me a secret from his family. Especially since he's the one who asked to marry him, then to turn around and tell me his sisters are encouraging him to get married and have kids? And yet he hasn't mentioned me to them? And now he's not sure he ever wants to get married? What?

We are from different cultures and religions, and I'm 17 years older than him, so yeah it's an unconventional match. Maybe difficult for his family to accept. But hey maybe he could work all that out before asking me to marry him?

I have let a lot of this go because honestly he's been through some harrowing stuff and at 47 I don't have a huge desire to settle down. But the secrecy is just getting dumb. Especially as he has told me so much about his family, shown me sweet videos of his nieces and nephews, and I'm like, 'These people will never know me...'

I have asked him to hold off on the marriage idea until he is sure. But now I'm fed up. The other day I was picking him up from his home so that we could spend the weekend at my place and he kept cranking his head round, finally saying,' Keep driving, my brother's coming tound the corner and I don't want him to see us together...'

Even just typing that, wtf?

I need to tell him to make a decision and get back to me,don't I?

OP - what advice would you give if someone else had written your post?

Get the wool out of your eyes and leave him.

Someone earlier asked where his brother believes he spends his time...

Exactly! That's what I don't get about these 'family secrets that are not actually secrets'. There are some in my own family tnh.

I've told him, 'Your brother's 21 now and he's not dumb, he knows you're in a relationship.'

Oh lord, I'm just too old for the drama,bless him.

he said he doesn't want kids. (I believe he'll likely change his mind to be brutally frank with myself ...)

I'm quite sure you're right - and when he does change his mind you'll be history

You mentioned that he had a wife in his home country but that she died.Do you have any proof of this?

Do I have any proof of his wife's death?

Apart from watching him sob across a table from me when he found out, as he told me he had nothing more to live for? No, it really hasn't occurred to me to request independent documentary evidence.

I need to tell him to make a decision and get back to me,don't I?

No, you need to decide yourself. Please LTB. You are worth so much more than this

I never wanted kids until I was in my mid 30s and pondering my advancing age. 30 is still very young to be sure about never wanting DC and a significant number of men become first time fathers well into their 40s or older.

Combined with the secrecy the signs aren't looking good for the long term.

Btw how long was he married for previously?

Op can I ask if he's Muslim? I am Muslim myself and I don't think he will ever commit to you. The pressure to marry within our religion is too great. Even those who do defy cultural/religious expectations and marry outside, it creates huge problems from what I've seen as the men try to change their partners over time. Some of these men, as liberal as they may seem at first, turn out to be massively controlling.

You sound like a loving, caring and genuine person. It would be a shame for you to waste any more time on this relationship.

Doingreat, I am really grateful for your perspective.

Family disapproval can be a very strong factor for people who come from traditional Muslim families. I was with ex (British-born, not religious) for 2 yrs (granted, long distance so it was easy to keep me secret) and his traditional Muslim parents never knew about me. They had disowned him when he ran off with and married his non-Muslim exW yrs previously and only let him back into the family fold when they divorced. He talked about us living together, even marriage but when it came to moving things on, the fear of his family disowning him again was too much. He started acting like a total git to force an end to the relationship, which I eventually did. Sounds like your boyfriend is scared of family disapproval. Especially if relatives could be violent towards him if they found out (sadly this can happen).

I'm genuinely sorry if you were upset about my question around his wife's death OP, but it really was just a question

There's a very long history of all types of men hiding an existing marriage - the many stories used are seen on here all the time - and it's not as if he's being entirely straight with you on other matters is it?

If you're absolutely sure, though, that's all that matters

Yes She Can, thank you. It is very different from what I'm used to so it's helpful to hear the perspective.

But seriously, yes, his family are very faithful and traditional, and their faith is what's kept them going through a few years of hell.

He is always very concerned about his family back home, particularly his elder sisters. Their well-being, their state of mind. So I can imagine a desire to avoid shocking them!

The whole situation does not really work for me though

I can’t think of any war torn country, except Ukraine, were a 30 year man from a traditional background would not have been married and would not have children, plural. So maybe the wife is dead but he has kids. I would bet my overpriced London hovel on it.

I have known Muslim friends marry outside of their race, but the other party has agreed to convert to Islam before the marriage, and to raise children of the marriage in Islam. (So for instance the converting spouse must agree to only cook with halal meat, etc.) However this is generally in families who have been in the UK a long time and have raised their children to be quite westernised, EG sending them to non-faith school, not requiring girls to wear head coverings etc.

I suspect in a family still living in an Islamic country, tolerance would be much lower.

I'm a cynical old cow but your man's actions sound genuine (although of course you know him and we don't.) But there are too many problems here for you to hang around waiting for him to commit properly. I think you need to get out now before you become even deeper enmeshed.

Perhaps you can be friends after some time has passed, but for now I'd say low or no contact because it will be too fresh and painful for both of you.

The presumption that he was using the OP to get settled status in the UK when she explains that he does NOT want to marry is the reflection of xenophobic bias firmly entrenched in some people's minds.

IT's not xenophobic bias, just life experience of seeing what happens in many many cases. We learn from seeing what happens .

When I said he was using OP, I meant for company & sex, nothing to do with a visa.

I'm not xenophobic!

Is this Asian Muslim? Or Middle Eastern guy?

Hè wants a bit of company/ fun. The future hè faked, was just a means to maintain his nice guy image to suck you in. It was never going to happen and deep down you know this but don’t want to accept that he sold you a lie and that you readily bought into it.

Why would you want to maintain a friendship with someone who has knowingly misled you? The dynamic has shifted and you can’t turn back the clock, move on.

Basically what Anyfucker said but with cushions and a crash mat.

When their talk doesn’t match their walk, it’s time for you to run.

The funny thing is that when we first got together I was happy to have a romance and spend time with him but I didn't consider it would be serious. I mean, I'm 47 and I enjoy my life as it is, independence, friends, career.

It was him who upped the ante with the 'Zomg marry me I don't want lose you' stuff.

Followed by 'Oh crap what do I tell my family... This is all so confusing'

At first I told him, 'Let's just take it easy...' But honestly the whiplash has hurt me and made me go cold. That and the hiding me away like I'm a drug dealer.

On one hand I sympathise with everything he's gone through, trauma, ptsd, escaping to England at 25, losing loved ones, wanting to start a new life but also hoping someday to be able to go home...

On the other hand my feelings matter too and at 30 he is old enough to know not to mess people about.

He future faked you to justify the ‘hook up’ to himself, he’s a good guy and all that talk was a lame arsed tactic to perpetuate that myth. It was never about you! You’ve rationalised his behaviour to excuse yourself for not calling him out sooner.

Walk away!

Never ever delegate the responsibility for maintaining your boundaries to someone else.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/jun/07/familyandrelationships6

OP, it sounds as if you do have a lovely friendship.

But even without thinking about it he may be craving stability and familiarity as a substitute for the distance from his family, and you represent that. As you say, you were there for him when his wife died, like a substitute family.

That is different from a partner.

My DH is 5 years younger than me. I wouldn’t marry a man 17 years younger.

So this man left his wife in their home country and headed off to start a new life in the UK?

He fled torture and risked his life to get to a safe country from where he could safely sponsor his wife and send money to support his family. Like thousands of people. It's not like there's a media blackout on the wars going on in the world.