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Original poster

Keeping me secret from family...

80 replies

Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 06:42

I kind of know what I need to do actually...

For nearly a year I've been in a relationship with this amazing man. We were friends for about four years previously.

So I was happy to just enjoy time together but he's said a few times that he wants to get married and live together. My response was yes. By the way no kids from previous relationships.

He's from a country where there's still a war going on. That's why he's in the UK. (I won't go into more detail just out of respect for his privacy.) He's suffered a lot of losses and his remaining family members all try really hard to keep in touch, constantly on their WhatsApp group despite enforced separation.

I am getting fed up with him keeping me a secret from his family. Especially since he's the one who asked to marry him, then to turn around and tell me his sisters are encouraging him to get married and have kids? And yet he hasn't mentioned me to them? And now he's not sure he ever wants to get married? What?

We are from different cultures and religions, and I'm 17 years older than him, so yeah it's an unconventional match. Maybe difficult for his family to accept. But hey maybe he could work all that out before asking me to marry him?

I have let a lot of this go because honestly he's been through some harrowing stuff and at 47 I don't have a huge desire to settle down. But the secrecy is just getting dumb. Especially as he has told me so much about his family, shown me sweet videos of his nieces and nephews, and I'm like, 'These people will never know me...'

I have asked him to hold off on the marriage idea until he is sure. But now I'm fed up. The other day I was picking him up from his home so that we could spend the weekend at my place and he kept cranking his head round, finally saying,' Keep driving, my brother's coming tound the corner and I don't want him to see us together...'

Even just typing that, wtf?

I need to tell him to make a decision and get back to me,don't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 07:38

Booboo, I am holding on to your words, that's the best summary. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 07:41

Yeah, Anne, I even mentioned the age thing when we got together! I was like, `Okay do you realise I am too old to have a child? What do your family think of that? '

He was all,' Zomg I don't care, I don't want kids, lovey dovey etc. ' But yeah, there was some misgivings on my part that maybe I should have listened to more!

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 06/12/2018 07:47

Sounds as though you are a convenient shag op, sorry to be blunt.

greendale17 · 06/12/2018 07:51

Using her for what? Not a passport as he has status here already. Plus he doesn’t want to marry her so that doesn’t make sense.

DisrespectfulAdultFemale · 06/12/2018 07:54

He is using you, OP. You may be able to justify his behaviour to yourself but it's clear to others what the situation is.

brizzledrizzle · 06/12/2018 08:26

You don't need to tell him to make a decision - you need to make the decision.

Notacluethisxmas · 06/12/2018 08:36

So where does his brother think he is when he is with you?

I am very sceptical about the wife dying. She may have. That doesn't mean he doesn't have another.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/12/2018 08:41

So this guy is 30, he's been separated from his family in a war torn country, has managed to get his brother out and is presumably responsible for him,and is already widowed.
He's had a hard time, I imagine he is conflicted about on the one hand wanting a traditional relationship, and on the other hand wanting to keep the friendship/security he has had with you. Maybe sometimes he does was to marry you, maybe he feels safe with you, maybe it's your difference that he likes. But realistically, at 30, he is eventually going to want to have a family including children, and a relationship that is accepted by his family.
He will end it eventually, and i t is probably better for you to end it now.

TatianaLarina · 06/12/2018 08:43

I’m guessing his wife is alive, or his family won’t countenance his marrying a non Muslim, particularly not one old enough to be his mum.

I don’t think he has any intention of marrying you OP.

Not sure why you’re falling for any of this.

DaffydownClock · 06/12/2018 08:44

Sugar mummy?
Quite frankly I think he's using you for sex and has zero intention of anything else OP. Disrespectful doesn't begin to describe his behaviour- I'd have stopped the car there and then and kicked him out!

Frozenteatowel · 06/12/2018 08:47

It took 4 years before my oldest DB plucked up the courage to tell our grandparents about his GF. They would have been so upset that she was not our religion/culture. Luckily our parents were atheists and didn’t mind at all. Could your BFs family be very religious/traditional and he be frightened to tell them? Its not unusual in our culture for children to be disowned by their family if they marry out. Ridiculous imo but it happens.

ShatnersWig · 06/12/2018 08:47

Sorry, you're 47, he's 30, and he says wants kids?

Yeah, right, this has success written all over it.

nomorearsingmermaids · 06/12/2018 08:49

I would be shocked if he didn't have a (living) wife and kids back in his home country.

PerfectPeony · 06/12/2018 08:52

Sorry OP, but I think it’s highly unlikely he will marry you and tell his family about you. I’m sure he enjoys spending time with you but isn’t committed long term. I would end it now. You deserve more than having to be his secret girlfriend that he is too ashamed to tell his family about.

I know it’s hard to hear, but if he’s 30 years old. The chances are he will marry someone his own age and most likely from his culture.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 08:52

That's really thoughtful Delphinium Blue, thank you.

There was a kind of 'big sister/little brother' element to our relationship when we first were friends. I'm an immigrant too (now a dual national) and we both come from big families so we sort of bonded over that.

Maybe we should have just stayed friends, hey ho.

I think the hardest part of breaking off the romantical stuff would be losing the friendship. We'll just have to see.

OP posts:
saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 06/12/2018 08:53

sorry OP - he either has a wife or one lined up. But I look forward to reading your story in Take a Break.

Westfacing · 06/12/2018 08:54

I know someone who was 44, with 4 teenage children, had had a hysterectomy, who married a guy 14 years younger with same history as your man. Over 30 years later they're still happily together.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 08:56

ShatnersWig, I like your username but he said he doesn't want kids. (I believe he'll likely change his mind to be brutally Frank with myself ...)

OP posts:
Original poster
Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 08:58

Yeah Frozenteatowel, that sort of thing happens a lot in his culture. You know about it. Sorry but I just don't have time/patience for it.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 06/12/2018 09:15

I think it's clear his family is expecting to have kids. Are you keen/ able to have children?

Musti · 06/12/2018 09:45

I think that if you want to be with him, you're going to have to accept that he'll tell his family when he's ready and maybe he might never be ready. I don't think he's using you as he has no advantage being with you and his intentions are good, but I think you have to realistically brace yourself that he will eventually fond someone else who is younger to have a family with. That's a massive age difference and it may not show just yet (I'm late 40s too and people think I'm in my 30s but in 10 years it'll be different).

I also have friends who were with men from d8fferent cultures, who despite being mutually in love, ended up marrying someone in their own culture because they couldn't go against their family expectations. And there was no age difference.

camaleon · 06/12/2018 09:49

The presumption that he was using the OP to get settled status in the UK when she explains that he does NOT want to marry is the reflection of xenophobic bias firmly entrenched in some people's minds.
I don't think the story looks good for many reasons that are totally unrelated to his migrant status. I am pretty shocked by some answers.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 06/12/2018 09:52

Yes, Musti you're right on the money.

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 06/12/2018 09:52

I'd insist on meeting his brother then taking it forward from there. If he won't entertain that idea at least then you have no choice but to end it.

camaleon · 06/12/2018 09:54

Beyond the age difference, the different culture, the trauma of leaving your country due to war, etc. one of the challenges you would be always facing (both of you) will be related to the kind of ridiculous presumptions everybody around will make. The impossibility of having children is the only good side of it. You will not have to worry about them suffering this.
You think it does not matter but it does. I know, from personal experience, that sooner or later it will matter to you and to your partner.