I will never have the marrriage in your twenties and a young family. 36 and still not met the right one. Anyone else felt this?

[parkedandroses]

I’m having a moping night tonight which isn’t attractive I know.

I’ve got my shit together - job, house, friends. I have interests but my job does take up a lot of my free time.

I’ve dated. Then given up. Then dated again. Mainly on dating apps.

Just feeling like it will never happen and all my friends married in their twenties.

Posting for support really. Tomorrow I will probably feel better again but I’m really low tonight :( xx

FGS of course the relationships with the kids aren't lesser. But OP wasn't just talking about kids, or even mainly about kids.

Look. Being a single parent is harder. I don't think anybody would disagree with that. And I don't get from OP that it's just a child she's yearning for but a whole family. Wanting to experience having children with a loving partner is very normal. It doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" about adoption or donated sperm but it's not for everyone. Not everyone can afford it for one.

I don't, hence the 'if that's what you want'

The OP has posted three times and she hasn't mentioned children once apart from to say she isn't awake for a baby

wayof I can see you're getting rather wound up, so let's leave it there. Perhaps we can return to this conversation when you've stopped swearing and taking on a demanding tone with me.

Good luck to you OP, hope everything works out ok with you.

if i was any less wound up I would be dead

don't confuse somebody being correct with being annoyed

The point is that some women desperately want children. I don't get that from the OP. I think she would like a family but that she's feeling alone and as if everyone else has moved on where she hasn't.

Truth is, for all the "being single is greeeeeeeeeat" advocates on here, it can be shit. It can be lonely, especially if your friends aren't (they have default company at home, you do not.) It's also expensive: rent or mortgage, council tax, bills, bills, bills all come out of ONE salary and everyone expects you to be jetting off round the world and you are earning £23000 and 3/4 goes on essential bills and you can barely afford the train to work by week 3 of the month.

Plus there is no one to go with.

And you log on FB and see your friends smiling with woolly hats and scarves holding up their poppet and standing by santa and it makes you sad.

but hey

always adoption eh!

Have you tried all the different dating apps?
Maybe try upping and lowering the age bracket slightly.
What do you do for fun? Is there any way you can try out a new hobby? You may meet someone there.
I have 3 friends in very similar situations to you. One has just met up with a friend of a friend who she knew a few years ago and then lost contact. They’re now seeing how it goes.
It can be horrible seeing all your friends with partners and having babies and thinking why not me? I say have your mope, wallow in a bit of self pity but then dust yourself down and get out there!

If you're not wound up, perhaps change your writing style to reflect that. I don't appreciate being sworn at or told I have to 'look' at your opinion.

So what's your solution then? Magic a man out of the sky? The right person shows up or doesn't. All we can do is work on ourselves.

Being single can be shit, I'm sure we all know that. We've all been there. Yes, it makes you sad when you see fb if you are the type who believes that crap, but it doesn't take much critical thought to realise it's mostly bollocks.

Having an opinion and being correct are not the same thing. When you say things like that, you sound very arrogant and it's hard to take you very seriously.

OP, I got married in my twenties and got divorced in my thirties. Met my now husband on my way to my forties and we are very happy (almost 10 years).
I would have gladly have skipped the first step in my twenties and my ex. Try OLD, stop looking on Facebook (it's not real and it makes people depressed apparently).

What jumps out to me is that you 'don't have time to keep up with current friends'. Now you may have been saying that facetiously but how much of an issue is time? Presumably, you don't have time because of work/career. And of course, we all need to put bread (and wine!) on the table.
But how far down the line towards any degree of financial security are you? Is it time to take your foot off the career pedal for a couple of years and focus on the - shall we say - personal growth side.
After all, if (playing devil's advocate) you are to spend your life single, then you still have 30 years of working life left.

Perhaps 2019 should be a year when you invest more time in relationships, and do some weird stuff you wouldn't. Eg, if you like outdoorsy walking types of people, go on some walking/outdoorsy activity breaks, or study for walking/navigation skills.
Just something to ponder.

I am a single parent now. It’s hard but actually easier than when I was with my ex. What looks like a fairytale from outside is often very different from the inside. Many people I know are still together in unhappy relationships as they think they cannot manage on their own.

But if you do want to meet someone, could you work less and spend more time doing things you want? I understand that financially that’s not an option for everyone but I wish I had done that when younger.

I met DH when I was 37, and tbh I'd pretty much given up at that point! I had a busy life, career, friends, always out doing something but I do remember really well that feeling of just alone-ness even though I wasn't really lonely if that makes sense? One night after a couple of after work drinks when a chap from work I'd had a bit of a fling with ignored me all night I sobbed in the bus stop going home as it just felt like I would never ever meet anyone. The pressure of 'am I getting to old to have a baby' is immense as well.

We had a whirlwind romance, married within a few months and very happy several years later. As it happens no DCs but that's personal choice, I have several friends who have had their first babies in their forties as they hadn't met 'the one' til late on.

My advice would be to keep at OLD - that's how I met DH and how most of my friends, male and female met their partners a bit later on in life. It's a numbers game, I went on a LOT of dates with a lot of frogs! And listen to what they are telling you....DH and I agreed we were really lucky as we were both looking for the same thing when we met, at a different time it might not have worked out if one of us had not been in the right place. I found that most men who indicated on their profile that they were looking for something casual really were - no point in dating someone for months only for them to say "well I wasn't really looking for a proper girlfriend" when it gets to any discussion about the relationship getting serious . Be ruthless with anyone who messes you around, but be open to perhaps giving people a chance that aren't your 'normal' type.

It really isn't too late OP, I promise!!

@parkedandroses
We met on tinder, he had just got out of a 5 year co habiting relationship and was not looking for anything serious. I was feeling similar to you, had been dating non stop for 3-4 years using any and every method available and was very disillusioned by all men and was literally about to throw in the towel. He was my last date, I was his first!
We had an amazing first date, which started with drinks at 7 and lasted til about 3 am when we left each other. I knew this was different, he thought all OLD's were like this.
For the first 3 months he was pretty shit as in our dates were amazing in that we really connected like old friends who found each other attractive. But he wasn't ready to commit. Had I have been younger I wouldn't have persisted. I knew this was special and this was different and I knew if I wanted this to go further I had to give him time and space to realise what we had was special. It took him 4 months which for me was difficult at the time but a drop in the ocean compared to our lifetime together.
I had lots of single girlfriends who told me I shouldn't give him the time or the benefit of the doubt but it's been totally worth it. I think many of the previous posters have said this. Make the most of being single. Do everything you want to do, be selfish, put yourself first, work towards your personal goals, be the best you want to be for yourself and life will work out. And if like me in the future you're lucky enough to get pregnant and too tired to go out or do stuff you'll be glad you did it all!
X

dust yourself down and get out there!

And what does that actually mean @Chocolatecake12? There is at least one posting every week from someone like the OP and the threads fill with people doing the cheery cliche "don't give up, I met my partner at 39" stuff, the people doing the "I am in exactly the same boat, I've tried everything, don't know what the answer is" and the people asking "have you tried online dating?"

Because those of us in the OP's boat - the middle group - will almost always tell you yes, we've done every single dating site and app over the last X years, all our friends know we're single and looking, we've joined umpteen clubs, accepted every invitation etc etc

The simple fact is that a huge amount of it is down to LUCK. I've been single nearly 9 years and haven't had a date in 7. I'm almost 45. I've given up now. I have a friend who has been single 11 years. We've both done everything everyone recommends. We've also done the have a break then come back again.

So, OP, I hear you.

Hey OP, just wanted to say I’m 38 and 1/2 and single! I do have a 15 yr old ds, but never been married and been single for 8 years now and split from ds dad when he was only 18 months old.
Always wanted more children and would like to get married one day - never expected to do it with grey hair!
The only advice I can give is what’s worked for me, I stopped any OLD as felt it was crushing my confidence. Worked really hard on me, I’m now nearly 100% loving myself and life. It seems to show as these days yet chatted up a lot and men seem to appear. I try out different hobbies and actives, go to new places etc.
Whilst I’m still single, I’ve had far better offers and potential dates in the past 6 months than I’ve had in the past 6 years!
I also believe a little in the whole law of attraction etc. Basically if I’m in love with myself and life then surely I will attract that love to me?? Whereas if I constantly feel void and missing out on love then that’s what will come back to me.
HTH

Met my husband when I was 32/33 years old. I can’t think of anyone that I know who got married in their twenties and is still with that person.

@LuluBellaBlue very wise words - good for you !!

I haven’t had chance to read all the posts but just wanted to say thank you so much for the responses!

I definitely do want a child and would feel very sad if that didn’t happen, I won’t deny that!

I do date, I go through phases of it. How often should I be doing it do you think? 2 a week? More?

It’s tome consuming and therefore draining often, but I guess it is true that you have to keep at it.

I’m horribly jealous of those who met so young. Awful I know.

I think it is a little difficult to answer questions like where are you going out etc. I do have a life although my job takes up a lot of time. I do things. Just sometimes I would like to not have to do lots of things and just relax with someone I am building a life with (nearly made the end of the post without self pity!!!) haha

To make you feel better..... I met my first partner at 16/17..... had 2 kids.... ended up scarily disastrous...... we were both too young and he turned into a violent drunk.... I didn't know myself and neither did he. Second relationship at 24..... older man and again, I was too young.... had another 2 kids but when I started to really become myself at about 30, the dynamics of the relationship changed. He resented my new found lust for life and my energy and he tried controlling me..... Then at 31, I met who I think is my soulmate
I knew my own skin, my own mind and what I would and wouldn't accept in life..... sure, some people can find their life partners in their 20's but for me.... I was never going to find mine so young.... but hey!.... I got my 4 children along the way and they are part of my learning!
It's never too late.... I thought it was at 31 😂......

It’s the meeting people and them not being what you’re looking for that makes it feel lonely I think.

Half of me wants to go out there and keep looking and the other half of me feels so disheartened by it. So much eaiser if you met at uni!

parked if you had met someone young, you might be equally sad though, you know? If I'd married the bf I had at 16 or the one I had at 25, I would be devastatingly unhappy, far more than I would be if I were single.

Personally, dating leaves me cold. I've never done it and I've had plenty of bfs. Most guys using dating apps are always on the look-out for something 'better', they'll never be satisfied and I think it's way too much pressure on each other to meet that way. Far better to meet people naturally imo, but obviously you need time.

I don't know, I would just try to forget notions like 'it would be easier at uni'. You're not AT uni, you can't really change that unless you go back to uni, so why even dwell on it? Find ways you CAN meet guys. I have no more novel ideas than the usual 'meet-ups/hobbies/sports' that everyone offers, but that's cos it works. I met my husband at a language exchange meet up. I know people that met through tennis/running/art classes. But to do that, you do have to actually go.

parkedandroses
Has it crossed your mind that you could meet the love of your life have children only to then split up and be single again but this time you would have children?

How would you feel about that?

I think I would always be glad I had children.

I’m not saying everyone who has a family is happy. Or that I’m not happy.

I just feel I’ve missed out on that twenty something wedding and young love and family life.

Met DH at 38 and had a child at 43. I wasn’t even looking for love as I was pissed off with men generally.
Try not to obsess, there’s plenty of time left.

It's this time of year. It's truly shit to be single, especially with social media.

I hated being the 'single one', and being expected to trot out hilarious OLD stories etc. I used to get ridiculously upset about my sad little shopping basket- I so badly wanted a trolley full.

The reality is that you go down and then in a few weeks you feel glad that you can put whatever you want in your shopping basket.

FWIW, the best weddings I have been to have been the 30s and up- less pressure from overbearing PILs, more courage to say 'fuck that' to spending £££ on table covers and more personal and enjoyable weddings.

You haven't missed out yet OP, there's still time. It sounds trite and annoying and I hated people saying that to me, but it's true.

I totally get this OP...

I’m going to be 35 in the early part of next year and the past few months I’ve been waking up in the early hours panicking about having left it too late for children. I knew at 15 I wanted to be married and have children and if I’d met someone in my late teens or early 20s I would have settled down in a heartbeat.

It saddens me to know I’ll never be a young bride or a young mum. I wish I’d been settled at 24. I’ve thought about it every day since I was about 12. I was raised in a very traditional, religious home and I think that makes it worse.

I would really love a biological child but don’t want to go down the sperm donor route. I’m considering adoption alone but never wanted to be a single parent. It’s hard and not as easy as some make out. I’m trying to set myself up financially so I can afford to adopt alone.

It feels like letting go of a dream. I’ve suddenly realised “he” might not be coming. I have a busy full life, as good as it gets for a single person but...I never wanted to be a single person.

I’m even at the point of doing away with my morals and just having a fling and hoping I get pregnant...something I’d never ever in a million years thought I’d hear myself say.

I know what you mean about feeling more lonely when you realise that the men you meet aren’t suitable for settling down with. I’ve got a couple of men interested in me at the moment but they are not marriage and father material...there’s immaturity or recklessness or a lack of emotional availability there and I don’t have time to waste. It’s especially frustrating because no one was interested in me for years and now I’m desperate and there are men interested but they aren’t at all suitable.

I’ve always been terrified of online dating but I might give it a go. I need to meet more men and my current hobbies aren’t opening up many doors.

Best of luck to you, hope you get want you want, even if it is belated. Better than never!