Child possibly exposed to abuse - trigger warning

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my DW who following therapy now believes she has dissociated memories of a childhood full of the most horrific abuse by her family. Unfortunately for many reasons (discussed previously) o am struggling to believe much of it. But I’m well aware it could be true.

The latest argument is that my DW is concerned that our DS(8) May have either been abused or witnessed something. There is no basis for this other than a hunch. He is a happy well adjusted lad and school have no concerns whatsoever or noticed changes. Nether the less my DW is worried that he too might have dissociated or repressed traumatic memories. She would like us to take him to a private psychologist or therapist to try and find out if he has been involved. I feel very uncomfortable with this - I think if there is no problem we should leave well alone and let him enjoy childhood. My DW is concerned that we are setting him up for a lifetime of problems if we don’t get to the bottom of things now.

I suppose my view is clouded by the fact that I find her allergations hard to follow and therefore I think it’s very unlikely he’s been abused. I think her ‘therapy’ may be causing her more problems and I don’t want him to go down the same line.
Of course this puts yet another strain on us both. I have been accused of minimising the issue and putting it aside whereas the reality is I can think of nothing else. I do find it hard to talk about but this is because I am finding it hard to come to terms with.
Should we take our DS to see someone? I think we should be open and reassuring to him at home to give him the space to tell us if/when he’s ready. I don’t know what the right thing to do is

Does your DW have suspicions your DS may have been abused or witnessed abuse from the same abusers she has?

Yes - from her family. Like I say it’s nothing more than her hunch. She’s worried that if she was abused he might have been too. He shows no sign any problems - but of course he might not.

The crux of the matter is that there is no objective evidence she was abused. She has no idea she was for 38yrs, then her therapist suggested she had been exposed to trauma and dissociated.

This is tearing me (and my family) apart

stonedroses sounds awful for all of you. I think you need to seek your own professional advice for this, I don't think this forum will give you the answers you need, as its so complex.

Why do you find her accusations so difficult to believe? Had she ever mentioned abuse before her therapist suggested it? Does she have any mental health issues that have been diagnosed?

Ignore that question, I am reading your previous thread.

If I knew how to link to my previous thread whilst on my phone I would!!!

The reasons I am unsure about whether the story is correct are multiple. Firstly it only came out in therapy aged 38 - after the therapist suggested it. She was having therapy because she was very unhappy after a run of health problems (including secondary infertility) has left her very down. Before that she believed she’d had a happy childhood. Now she believes that from 2-18 she had the most horrific depraved abuse that I can’t bring myself to write but is almost Hindley and Brady like. She now thinks it involves several members of her family and many, many children. There is no evidence for this, no one else has described such abuse and her own sister doesn’t recall anything except a happy childhood. Her family appear completely baffled by it - or are very good liars. She now believes that amongst the sexual abuse she was beaten, burnt and cut but there are no scars at all. Previous medical and psychiatric investigations didn’t reveal any of this at all.
I’m well aware that it could be true, that families do the most horrific things. I’m also aware that this is a very controversial area of psychology and I find it hard to understand how you could suffer all these horrors for years and no nothing at all until 20yr later.

What I now see is someone who after 18 months of therapy is much more unhappy, scared and confused than when she started therapy. That’s why my gut instinct with my son is to leave well alone.

Ok, some questions from the previous thread.

Did your DW get a second opinion?

Is she still seeing her therapist 3 days a week, and in contact visa SMS etc?

Is he still encouraging her to hug him?

Is she no contact with the abusers? Do they know the allegations?

Did you check out the credentials of her current therapist?

Does your DW think that these could be false memories or is she 100% convinced they happened? if so, will she be bringing it to the attention of the police, especially as she believes now your son may have been exposed.

Is there any chance your son could have been left alone with her accused abusers and therefore exposed?

Thanks for reading. I suggested a second opinion but she is not keen - thinks it will muddy the waters. The therapy is now down to once or twice a week, but increasing when she is struggling to cope - or texts and emails when she needs more support. I’ve no idea what is going on with the hugging - I find it hard to talk about her therapy without it becoming an argument.

My DW is 100% convinced this all happened. At present she isn’t going to the police as knows there is no definitive evidence its unlikely to go anywhere. I think her therapist is against her reporting at the moment because he thinks the knockback if it doesn’t procede would be too much. There is no real suggestion that anything has happened to our son - just a worry that it might have.

There is now no contact between her and the alleged perpetrators (including her parents) whatsoever. I do occasionally speak or txt with my SIL - who of course knows them all. At present there is no contact between the abusers and our DS. But of course before all this started my DW got on well with her family and we did occasionally leave our DS with his GP to babysit, sometimes overnight.

I remember your previous thread, OP. I see no harm in speaking to a reputable child psychologist about your concerns and having your ds assessed. Note the emphasis on reputable. Get your son’s GP to make a referral. Go see psychologist for an intake together as a couple (speak separately if you can’t raise your concerns in front of your wife). Let them do their assessment and speak to you both after. It will likely result in no concerns being raised since as you said your ds is happy and well adjusted. But it may offer a safe space to express concerns about your dw’s entanglement with this therapist (which will ring major alarm bells with any decent mental health professional). It may also start to chip away at some of the grasp he has over her. You could even meet after to discuss how you can help her with this psychologist.

It’s difficult to give an opinion about the validity of your wife’s experiences but you seem to be of the opinion that things are pointing to the fact that they may be implanted memories.
I used to live with someone who had delusional ideas and I felt that I had to protect our children from them- because of this I would be very cautious about involving your child in this.

I'm sorry OP, I have absolutely no relevant experience to draw on, but I am trying to imagine what on earth I'd do in your position. Something mind said got me thinking; I think I would speak to your dc's GP.

That might sound ineffectual or not what they're "there for", but with everything they're taught about safeguarding children they might actually be able to help you know where to go from here in the best interests of your son.

Have you looked into this therapist if hers? It’s all so odd. I agree that it’s best to keep your son out of it. She seems to be projecting. Or alternatively you may suggest you will go to a child therapist (without sharing you concerns with the therapist) to see if anything comes up on the condition that she gets a second opinion.

On my previous thread someone pessimistically warned that this would ruin my marriage. I’m starting to worry they might have been right. It’s a mess - whatever’s going on.
I’ve realised I have no objective way of finding out what really went on at present, and I will drive myself mad wondering about it. What I can control is my response and how we react to our son.

My overwhelming concern is to keep him safe and happy. Whilst he seems so chilled and easy going I really don’t want to rock the boat or throw a grenade into his life. I know there’s a risk we are storing up trouble for later, but my gut instinct as a parent says leave well alone. Obviously we will make sure he can always talk to us, and we will make sure he knows he can, and he knows what adults should and shouldn’t do. Then hopefully if there is anything he can open up to us when he’s ready.
My big concern is that if this is all a delusion (and it may well not be) then I don’t want him dragged in - or used to project thoughts on to or used as validation of someone else’s beliefs.

What a mess......

Blimey. It sounds like her therapist is very dodgy. Have you looked into whether complaints have been made against him?

I've not read the first thread but I would urge you to refer to your GP for some form of referral for your child. I can foresee a situation where your refusal to allow any psychology input will equal (in your wife's mind) that you have something to hide. If you engage with your GP now you're protected somewhat from any of those accusations from her, but also from social services to a degree as well.

If I were you I would do everything possible to get your wife to get a second opinion basically. There's enough situations with implanted memories that you can find documented that you hopefully will be able to prove to her the need to do it.

Unfortunately, if my understanding is correct, there's no definitive way to prove it was the psychologist forcing responses out of your wife to validate the claims or whether your wife was susceptible to giving the answers she believed the psychologist wanted. Have you done any research to find out more about this psychologist's credentials? Have any other people made similar complaints about him/her?

Dear OP, I remember the first thread. I maintain my belief that your DW may be a victim of an unethical therapist. I honestly believe she needs a second opinion, but if she won't get one, at least please please don't let your DS be seen by the same therapist or anyone he recommends. What PP said about a GP referral might be helpful. It may also alert someone to the fact that your wife may be being duped.

Once again I send for all of you. Whatever way this turns out.

I don’t know if he’s a dodgy therapist or the person my DW has needed to see for a long time. I met him once at a joint session and whilst he wasn’t my cup of tea he didn’t seem dodgy. He’s clearly a bit unorthodox and quite anti traditional medicine and psychiatry, but so are lots of genuine people.
He’s registered with BACP so I’ve sent them an email (without naming him) asking what is expected behaviour. I do think he has breached their code of non-malificence or first do no harm because my DW seems in a worse state than when she started therapy.
The problem is that DW has come to depend on this guy and if she thought I was against him she would be very very angry with me so I have to proceed very carefully.
I wonder if he’s not dodgy but might have made a mistake. Even experts get things wrong. In my field of work even the best are expected to get a second opinion about what they are doing, especially if it’s a bit unusual

I remember the original thread. The thing is, even if it never happened, she now believes it has. How did it come about, if the therapist suggested some sort of abuse, who has made up the details of it? If he has suggested such terrible things then he is definitely a rogue. If she has conjured them up then I find it odd, I know what false memories are but she seems to have a very detailed idea of some horrific things! Do her parents know what they are accused of?

I just had to comment on here as bizarrely I had just been away for the weekend and picked up a book that was there (sorry cant remember the name) but basically it was about psychology and the disassociating from abuse from family members, then it being recalled later in adulthood by therapists, then the scandal of the therapists not being formally trained and creating an influx of these sorts of claims. I found it interesting which is why I felt I had to comment here. It was around the time of the 90's when it was at its peak in the US, leading to many prosecutions and tearing apart of families. Some suggested the abuse went on until they were 18 yet no memories from themselves or family members. It said the practise of this therapy has since been disproved which is why you rarely hear of it any more. I just quickly searched and found this link which may be of interest.
www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/recovered-trauma-memories-and-hypnosis/
As for allowing your stable, healthy happy son to be assessed? Absolutely would I not agree with this. Agree with another poster to see your GP about it though. Please do your own research about this therapist and insist on a second opinion.

I actually do have recovered memories of childhood abuse - but these have all been corroborated by my sisters ( who actually remember waaaaay more than I do), and they came to me spontaneously - i.e. no-one had suggested I may have been abused. I did realise I only remembered holidays and Christmases up to about age 14.

Memory is not set in stone, and can be altered significantly by therapists - there is lots of info on experiments such as where college students were planted with a memory of being lost in a mall as children.

On no account would I let a child see this person you wife is seeing, and I am glad you have contacted the BPS about it.

It may help if you contact the British false memory society (bfms.org.uk/) for some advice.

You might also find the False Memory Syndrome Foundation website useful (www.fmsfonline.org/) - I seem to remember the false memory societies taking a pretty hard line in the 90s that all recovered memory was false, but they now seem to be saying that corroborated memories are possibly true. But lots of links to information there.

Jesus what a mess. Poor you (and your wife).

Personally I wouldn't be allowing my son to have therapy in this situation. For exactly your reasons. What was his relationship with her family like before this came up.. how was he when he had stayed with them ?

I too am curious as to why the potential childhood abuse of your wife would be even raised in counselling seeing as she was going of health reasons. Just all seems so weird.

I once had a memory / dream that I was abused my a member of my family and I really couldn't decide if it was a memory or a dream. I decided that it was a dream where I drempt i had a memory and wasn't true (I work with abused children so this wasn't exactly surprising) but I guess what I'm saying is that it did really throw me for a while, trying to work out if it was true. If I'd been in counselling they certainly could have possibly led me in one direction or another.

Generally speaking, if your son has no problems then NHS will not facilitate him having counselling. I would be clear that he will only have treatment through the NHS, to reassure you that his practitioner is qualified and experienced and indeed that it is needed. Do you see what I mean? it's a handy boundary to build.

I would try to speak directly to the BACP, ask if other concerns have been raised about him, discuss with them how to manage her attachment to him. Thing is, he could be doing the same to other vulnerable people.

It might be a good idea to enrol your son in some kind of kids yoga, mindfulness or relaxation class for kids. That will protect you from allegations that you are refusing him help and also give him skills he may need as this situation unravels.

I remember your previous thread.

No I don't think your son should be enrolled in therapy. You say he seems happy and has voiced or shown no troubles, or issues. Sending him to therapy for supposed abuse could really damage him for the rest of his life.

Your wife's therapist sounds dodgy as fuck (going by your last thread). I'd go as far as to say dangerous.

I feel so sorry for you but do not know what to suggest. I think I'd be contacting someone for a second opinion and trying to dig deeper into her current therapist.

I think your wife needs help urgently from a 'conventional' psychiatrist, it really sounds like some kind of psychosis. There is no reason at all for your son to see a therapist, please protect him as you see they can do more harm than good. Normal happy little boys don't need to see therapists.

On my previous thread someone pessimistically warned that this would ruin my marriage. I’m starting to worry they might have been right. It’s a mess - whatever’s going on.

You have another thread from last week saying that you are separating? Is that not the case now?