Child possibly exposed to abuse - trigger warning

[StonedRoses]

I’ve posted before about my DW who following therapy now believes she has dissociated memories of a childhood full of the most horrific abuse by her family. Unfortunately for many reasons (discussed previously) o am struggling to believe much of it. But I’m well aware it could be true.

The latest argument is that my DW is concerned that our DS(8) May have either been abused or witnessed something. There is no basis for this other than a hunch. He is a happy well adjusted lad and school have no concerns whatsoever or noticed changes. Nether the less my DW is worried that he too might have dissociated or repressed traumatic memories. She would like us to take him to a private psychologist or therapist to try and find out if he has been involved. I feel very uncomfortable with this - I think if there is no problem we should leave well alone and let him enjoy childhood. My DW is concerned that we are setting him up for a lifetime of problems if we don’t get to the bottom of things now.

I suppose my view is clouded by the fact that I find her allergations hard to follow and therefore I think it’s very unlikely he’s been abused. I think her ‘therapy’ may be causing her more problems and I don’t want him to go down the same line.
Of course this puts yet another strain on us both. I have been accused of minimising the issue and putting it aside whereas the reality is I can think of nothing else. I do find it hard to talk about but this is because I am finding it hard to come to terms with.
Should we take our DS to see someone? I think we should be open and reassuring to him at home to give him the space to tell us if/when he’s ready. I don’t know what the right thing to do is

agree that this sounds like a psychosis and certainly would not leave my child with her (blend of both of your threads).

Your wife is mentally unwell. Nothing actually seems to corroborate her newly recovered memories and you describe her being distressed, emotionally involved with her therapist and now raising unfounded questions about your son.
Forcing him into therapy when you have absolutely no suggestion, history or features of abuse towards him is dangerous.

I personally think you need some space from your wife and to insist she sees a psychiatric for a second opinion and to unpick this whole mess.

This is such a difficult situation, really awful. The obvious thing to me is that your partner needs to get a new therapist and engage with someone else who can undo some of the heightened distress and damage that appears to be being caused.

Keep your son protected from this circus, but carry on teaching him good boundaries (see the nspcc pants campaign for examples).

mindutopia has made some very valid points.

If there’s any chance your wife is delusional, or under an unhealthy influence, bringing in another form of therapy (any which way you can) may be very useful for everyone.

Normally I’d recommend ‘leaving kids be’ as you suggest, OP, but very little here is normal. The kind of session that your DS might sit through with a child therapist is very unlikely to traumatise him, or expose him to stigma. Is this what you’re worried about? You will have a chance to talk to his (private) therapist alone (even if it’s sneakily) to express your concerns and ask if there’s a way for the therapy to be framed as merely ‘a good chance to learn to express our feelings’, and that it’s important for everyone to practice those skills. They are always very careful with kids. Also make sure your wife has loads of time to express her concerns to ‘your’ therapist. It may be enough to get the ball rolling on investigating her therapist.

I can well understand your lack of trust in therapists generally, after your wife’s experience, but maybe try to see them as (as a group) as the solution to your problems, rather than the cause?

You need a champion to insert themselves between your wife and her therapist long enough to establish if there are issues in the methods he is using with her. Apart from his accreditations, other things can be checked from ‘inside’ the world of therapists. For instance whether he participates in supervision and professional development, or is linked to certain recognised therapy styles. Investigations can be made of his past, including complaints. Genuine therapists welcome these interactions and are used to them. If he doesn’t, it may well flag him within his profession and open avenues for you.

I think your wife will press for your son to be seen by someone. You may as well ensure it’s someone very qualified, experienced (and connected in the profession). Someone even your wife (or her therapist) can’t deny is an expert. Pay the money now, to get the best appointment possible for your son, in the hope that the whole situation unravels all the faster. There’s far more future risk to your son of trauma if this drags out, or your wife gets him sat in front of a mate of her guy.

And of course, keep an open mind that some real evidence may come to light (for your wife or your son). In which case getting him seen is crucial.

Good luck to you.

If her counsellor is seeing her three times a week and also suggested she was a victim of abuse to be honest he definitely needs reporting. Sounds completely unethical.

Re your DS. Agree with others- only allow anything through the GP and let them take the lead. That way your wife can't force anything that on balance your GP doesn't believe is warranted. It isn't like you're saying you won't consider accessing help for him when or if it is needed.

I would be a little worried about your DW implanting memories into DS if she is convinced he has been abused. Do you think she would "take things into her own hands" as it were?

I have read previous threads and the stuff about her parents being part of a multinational abuse ring in the wider context so sound like there is at least a decent chance these are false memories. Your DW needs proper psychological help...either way
But if she is continuing to act abusively towards you, you dont have to stick around for that!

I'd go to the GP alone. Assuming you're all registered at the same practice. Tell them everything and get your concerns for your wife and the implications for your son recorded. Do not allow your son anywhere near your wife's therapist ever. Get advice from the professionals and go from there.

Until you are sure about what is happening with your wife I wouldn't involve a happy and well adjusted child in this big mess.
You say your DW is now worse than when she started, I wouldn't want to put my healthy child through therapy for something that may not be real.

I can also attain to recovered memories from childhood abuse. That before the age of 18 I had no recollection of. However. Mine was also corroborated by family. I was actually at a set of traffic lights in my car. At 3am. Driving gone from work. When it came flooding back to me.

But this doesn’t sound right. It really doesn’t sit well with me. I think the therapist might be abusing his position. It can happen

I got what I thought were flashbacks of childhood abuse. I was on London Bridge, in tears to my brother in the US and he calmly reassured me, Jezebel, just go to A&E, what you're experiencing is psychosis. So I did, and they prescribed me anti-psychotic medication (this was 15 years ago) and hey presto, the 'memories' went away. I am left with the memory of the memory if that makes sense, but it's not a 'memory' anymore.
It is very possible your DW has psychosis.

I haven't seen your other thread but I have seen allusions to hugging on this thread? That is totally inappropriate and NOT something that I have ever experienced in therapy or with a psychiatrist.
I feel so sorry for your DW because for those few days (I thought my Dad had abused me), I was in sheer and utter hell.
I think your DW needs to see a psychiatrist. And I think your DS may well be in a lot of danger if your DW is indeed suffering from psychosis.
I would call the GP or request an appointment or a call back from your GP and explain what you've explained on this thread (haven't read other thread so don't know backstory or history).
Again, I will repeat, IF your wife is suffering from psychosis, your son could be in grave danger. So this is urgent and needs to be dealt with tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for the advice. It’s good to have a place I can write things down.
I did have a thread last week about separating. I have been trying in v general terms to find out what would happen if we did separate. I don’t want us to, but I think it might happen. At the moment I’m trying so hard to keep everything ‘normal’.
If it was just about me then I think I would leave, for my happiness. But I owe it to 10yr of marriage to try and help and support my DW. I would miss my son so much. I have no doubt at all that she is a fantastic mother but at the moment I do feel he benefits from having both of us around to balance things out.

Of course I could be doing this guy a great disservice. He may he actually completely right and if so my DW has been through horrors unimaginable. If so she needs all the help and support she can get, I can’t just abandon her. And if they are true then it’s no surprise that she can be a bit ‘difficult’ sometimes - I can’t find the right words to describe it.

I hadn’t thought about using a psychologist for my son as a way into the whole mess, to try and see what I’d going on. He definitely won’t be seeing the guy she sees, he doesn’t see children. But I will go and see our GP (for my sake as well) and see what comes of it.

Thanks again

❤️❤️❤️. Oh dear OP your situation sounds quite dire, as a person who did have a life of comparatively mild abuse and engaged a therapist I would say to definitely try to encourage your wife to change her therapist. The one I had was obviously trying to put ideas into my head and also seemed to want me to rely on him and text him constantly. My DH was convinced he was just trying to get more money from us. I ended up getting the best therapy from a friend who gave me skills to learn to forgive myself. Forgiveness for the perpetrators never came into it, and never should. There are dodgy therapist about and I think your wife has met one. See how she reacts to the idea of change. As for your son, I would keep him well away from her therapist and any child services for the time being until your wife can control her own emotions. Take care OP and look after yourself too, living with a family member with such MH issues is hard.xx

I would miss my son so much.

Why would you leave your son with his mother if you feel that he is at risk emotonally and mentally?

You need to speak with your family's gp today op.

If the therapist believes all this abuse has happened doesn't he have a duty to inform the police or social services??? due to there being a child and potentially multiple children involved?? If he or she belied this happened its not just between your wife and the therapist, there is potential harm to multiple people from multiple people. This in itself would cause me concern, any decent therapist would be on this !!!
Personally it sounds and feels as if your dw is being taken advantage of and emotionally and financially exploited. How many people do you know who would be able to afford to see or be in contact with a therapist 3 x a week, it must totally dominate her week!!

How did she find the therapist? where they recommended? I think you should be more sceptable about it all and do some research into him. If its legit then so be it but there is so so much at stake here!!! YOur wife's mental health for a start, your marriage, your son being dragged in, your finances and your mental health.

For god's sake get out now and take your son with you! Let her deal with her issues and if she comes to her senses, then great, but I don't think she will by the sounds of it, she's in too deep.
You are not going to be able to help her, as much as you want to. She is only going to try and convince you that your son needs therapy.
It is very sad. It's all gone too far. Did you help feed her need? Could she not talk to you? Why now? At some point, if this so called therapy doesn't stop, your wife is going to reach a mental breakdown, what then?
Apologies, I haven't read your previous post.

I remember your last thread. Many therapists felt it was dodgy and urged you to report. I don't think an email is enough, you need to ring and speak to someone in authority urgently.You really can't afford to keep being tolerant and understanding.

What would happen if you just refused to pay for these sessions?

I don't normally comment on many threads, but reading this and remembering reading some of your previous thread I felt I had to.
There are a few different scenarios here. Your main role here is to protect your son from potential harm, and the risk is very high here from what I need.
I echo pp and strongly suggest seeing your gp. I personally would make an appointment without your wife to discuss the situation first and go from there. The gp can advise you, but you have then at least given your concerns first.

You need to be proactive here, to protect your son, but also for your wife. She has either suffered immense abuse or she is currently suffering from the abuse of power her counsellor has over her and experiencing mental health trauma. Either way this needs sorting before any more damage is done.
You are the one who has the ability to start to end this and find the truth. You are the one who needs to protect your son and wife, you need to do this. Make that appointment with your gp tommorow - it is urgent, it cannot wait.

So a bit of an update from the OP here as to what has happened in the last month or so.
A couple of things have almost convinced me that this is not right. Firstly I spoke to the counsellors professional body. Because I am not a client they could only give me general advice rather than look at specifics (because I’m only giving them second hand info). However their general guidance has raised more than a few concerns. Firstly they say that the frequency and informality of contact (email, text, ad hoc sessions) isn’t normal and there should ideally be a written contract - there isn’t. Secondly they confirmed the first duty is to support a clients psychological health, so the fact that she is worse than when starting therapy is not right. Finally they are very clear that a diagnosis of a mental illness should only be made by a medically trained professional.

So this has confirmed my suspicions that something isn’t right with the therapy. Where to take this I don’t know - my DW is very bound up with this guy - she sees him as her saviour - and will see it as a terrible betrayal that I’ve spoken about it.
Also new ‘memories’ have surfaced which make me more confused. One episode is so lurid and extreme (it’s not fair to those involved to detail it) that I find it almost impossible it could go unnoticed by anyone or unknown by the victim for 25yr. Another incident involves an alleged perpetrator who wasn’t in the same country at the time. When I mentioned this the explanation was that his movements have been covered up - but this would involve huge numbers of unconnected people.

So I remain deeply confused and distressed by the whole situation. It has confirmed that i am adamant my DS is not having therapy to uncover his ‘memories’. He is a happy, well balanced lad with no signs of distress. If he showed any I’ll go through the GP and formal route but I want him left well alone.

I’ve also had contact with a third party who knows my DWs family (I’ve been forbidden from speaking to the family myself) who has told me of their utter distress and confusion at the whole situation.

To be honest it has confirmed I just want out. I know it’s callous leaving someone when they are so vulnerable but I don’t think I can help any more and I really don’t want to be part of the whole mess anymore. I can only sort myself (and perhaps my DS) our.
Leaving will be horrific im sure but I think it needs to be done. I can’t help her family, that relationship is destroyed but I can try to protect myself.
She is still a great mum and I see no evidence of her being a risk to our DS. Of course some days she finds parenting hard - but doesn’t everyone. So I can’t just take my DS, that would be wrong legally and morally but perhaps I can be a better parent apart?

What a sad sad mess

You will have to become the primary caregiver to your son. From reading this thread I don't believe your wife is safe around your son even if you consider her to be a fantastic mother.

I think you are right in having no choice but to leave and take your son with you.

It's very sad, but your wife seems very mentally unwell and unfit to care for your son.

From a purely practical point of view how do I leave and take our son? Do I just sort out renting a new flat then go? Where does my wife stand in all this, after all we both have parental responsibility. Can she stop me, what happens if she doesn’t agree? And it seems odd leaving her in a 4 bedroom house whilst we rent a tiny flat.
Sorry, so many questions, but never even had to think of this before. Just trying to think what the reaction would be if my DW posted ‘AIBU - husband has left and taken kids with him’

Your wife needs a psychiatrist in conventional medicine.
The therapist is clearly dodgy and taking advantage of a vulnerable person.
Your wife needs to stop seeing him ASAP.

Believe me I’ve tried arguing that till I’m blue in the face. Apparently conventional psychiatry doesn’t understand people like her and just want to drug her.
I can’t force her to do anything - she is responsible for her decisions but I have to decide how to respond.

It's difficult (for an outsider) to comprehend how messed up your wife is and still understand how she can be a good Mum.
I really feel for you as I just don't know the solution.
Is there somewhere you can go temporarily to give you space to think and get your ducks in a row?

I'm so sorry for your situation. I think your priority needs to be your son, and if you leave you need to take him with you. Whilst your wife may well be a wonderful parent usually, at the moment she is clearly very unwell and it would not be in your son's best interest for him to be in her sole care.

So many red flags with the situation with the counsellor - firstly, why hasn't he reported the alleged abuse to social services if there is a concern about your son? That is the only caveat to confidentiality, that if you disclose some kind of safeguarding issue they are duty bound to report it.

The lack of a written agreement wouldn't worry me, I don't have a written agreement with my therapist, it isn't mandatory. The frequency of contact would worry me, as would as hoc sessions. The only contact I have with mine is to arrange/rearrange sessions occasionally.

He also seems from what you describe to have a vested interest in keeping her where she is, rather than helping her get better. If she is getting worse, he should refer her on to someone who is better places to help her, not get deeper into the very untherapuetic sounding relationship.

As an aside, I have experienced repressed/dissociated memories from childhood and it just didn't work the way you've described. I'd be wary because the whole thing seems to be centred around the therapy. I found that the memories were "unrepressed" by encountering the surroundings where they happened, or a particular smell/sound etc. Therapy was a way to deal with it, not the place that unlocked them. It sounds rather like all your wife's surfacing memories are linked solely to this counsellor rather than the outside world.

Unfortunately anyone can become a counsellor, and for someone who wants to access and take control/advantage of vulnerable people its an ideal career.

I’m sorry to this and catching up as quickly as I can.

Is there an argument for asking a go to step in. Can people be sectioned anymore? I absolutely can’t see that your sons mental health is safe with her and she should move out for a while. Can you force this?