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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it too soon? Getting to know someone again.

40 replies

Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 10:13

I recently got out of an abusive relationship, he was arrested a few weeks ago for punching me and was charged with battery. Currently waiting for a court date and we have had no contact since. We have a 1 year old ds together and I have a 4 year old dd from a previous relationship. It’s 100% the end of the relationship and I feel sad but I’m getting on with it and being strong for the little ones.

A few days ago I was messaged by an old friend, we knew each other years ago, he moved away and we lost touch. It seems that we are both attracted to each other (he has made subtle comments about this) but I have made it very clear I am not ready for a relationship yet and I am happy to talk as friends. We talk every day, sometimes late into the night and he messages me in the morning. He also has a 4 year old dd from a previous relationship. We have so much in common and used to be great friends and I feel myself getting emotionally invested.

I suppose my question is is it too soon to be taking to someone new? Even though he knows I only want to be friends for the moment there is attraction there and I don’t know if I’m making a mistake in “Persuing” this so to speak. Also I have no idea about dating (been in a relationship for 3 years and we were friends before). How do you get to know someone? How do you make sure they are a good person and how do I tell what he wants if that makes sense? I don’t want to end up in a relationship like I was in ever again but it would be nice to fall in love again. Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
CandyCreeper · 05/12/2018 11:33

sounds way too soon to me!

doubleshotespresso · 05/12/2018 11:35

Sorry OP way too soon yes!

Bluebellsarebells · 05/12/2018 11:41

Yes I think it is too soon.
Cut down the contact and concentrate on your very young children, until you feel stong and know yourself better.
Have you done the freedom programme?
You at real risk of being in another abusive relationship after just coming out of one so soon.
Was your older child's father abusive also?
Where did this friend pop up from?
Facebook? I know when ever I've become single, after my two serious relationships, there are always old friends popping up wanting to chat on Facebook.

whatsthepointthen · 05/12/2018 11:43

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Original poster
Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 12:16

Just to make it clear I am in no way thinking of dating again right now. I have made this clear to him aswell. We are talking as friends and nothing else but there is attraction there. As to the “I don’t get women like this” comment you don’t get women like what? I asked for some advice and I in no way said I am getting into another relationship and not concentrating on my children. Thankyou for the other comments. I know it’s too soon to be dating again (I wouldn’t consider anything serious happening for a long time) but it’s nice to talk to an old friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 12:19

Bluebells I haven’t done the freedom program but I will be in the new year. Y daughters dad wasn’t abusive, we grew apart and there were some financial issues that led to us breaking up. I didn’t have the old friend on Facebook and I havnt actually changed my relationship status yet so he didn’t know I was single when he messaged, he moved back to the area we both used to live in (I have recently moved away myself) and wondered if I fancied meeting up. I have declined as I felt it was too soon as I am attracted to him

OP posts:
pudding21 · 05/12/2018 12:20

OP: find comfort in whom you wish. He might give you the support you need, whilst healing yourself and your children. Just keep your eyes open and keep the line you don't want to be romantically involved. He could be a good friend and help you. I reached out to some old friends, who knew me before my previous relationship (ended up being emotionally abusive) and it helped.

Original poster
Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 12:22

Just to clarify “a few weeks ago” it’s been 5 nearly 6 weeks.

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 05/12/2018 12:23

Women who flit from relationship to relationship with small children in tow, they should be the priority. You obviously were
thinking about it otherwise you wouldnt have posted.

whatsthepointthen · 05/12/2018 12:23

Just to clarify “a few weeks ago” it’s been 5 nearly 6 weeks.

Oh that
makes all the difference Hmm

userxx · 05/12/2018 12:24

5 or 6 weeks is only a few weeks in my mind.

Original poster
Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 12:25

Thankyou pudding. That’s how I feel at the moment that he is helping me through this and I’ve missed him a lot, we used to be the best of friends until he moved away. I just feel worried about it as we are attracted to each other and don’t know if I should stop talking to him completely because of that

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 12:25

Yes it is only a few weeks. Just thought I would clarify how long exactly

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 12:29

I havnt gone from relationship to relationship at all. I was with my daughters dad for 5 years, split when she was 1. Met ex when she had just turned 3 and had ds 9 months later (he was born premature at 34 weeks). I am not planning on getting into a relationship with the old friend. I just wondered if, because there is attraction should I stop talking to him? That was all this post was about really and the judgemental comments are really not needed right now.

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 05/12/2018 12:33

So you had a baby with someone you had only known 9 months? that is quick, im not judging just baffled someone who was beaten up 6 weeks ago would be thinking about when they can next date!

Hidinginthebath · 05/12/2018 12:33

Wow, there is absolutely no need to be so fucking antagonistic towards the OP.

The 'women like this' comment is horrible. I'm not sure you would apply the same to a man but the OP is obviously unsure of herself and was asking for support and advice. Not being made to feel like shit.

I have left a very violent marriage and I couldn't even answer if I wanted tea or coffee so wondering about boundaries and new relationships etc is normal. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you so harshly judge.

OP - in my case I found it helpful to do the freedom project, ask for help from local children's services and get some counselling from my independent domestic abuse service. The domestic abuse police officer was a lovely woman and I talked to old friends (men and women) for support. If you are attracted to him why not park it, and be clear you will revisit that attraction in 6 months/a years time to see how you are emotionally? If he is a good man he will be happy with your friendship.

Birdie6 · 05/12/2018 12:34

I did the same. I talked to him for 9 months before we even met in person. During that time we just talked about anything and everything. We told each other our life stories. Talked about our kids. Talked about the old times . It can work - it did for us, we're married now. Take it easy and if nothing else, you'll have someone to talk to. Best wishes to you.

Hidinginthebath · 05/12/2018 12:36

whatsthepointthen I'm baffled why there's people like you, who feel like they have the right to be outright horrible to someone who recently has had a traumatic experience. Who do you think you are?

Original poster
Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 12:42

Whatsthepointthen: when did I say I was thinking about when I can next date?! I asked for some support and advice and obviously your not the right person to give that so could you please stop commenting on my thread. You obviously have some very big issues yourself to be so nasty and judgemental to someone you don’t even know!
Thankyou hidinginthebath. I honestly don’t know what’s going on right now and how to even be on my own or without him and life seems very scary right now. I’ve taken comfort in talking to this old friend and it’s made me feel better but I don’t want to lead him on as nothing will be happening between us romantically right now and for a very long time. I feel exactly how you said that for the monent we will be just friends and I will see how it goes in the future, he is fine with this and is very respectful of the situation. I don’t know how to feel right now and my ex has messed with my head so badly I wasnted some advice from the outside.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 12:44

Birdie that’s great to hear that good could come from this in the future. I’ve just got to take it very slowly for the moment and enjoy talking as friends, which I am, he is a genuinely nice guy (I think and hope).

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 05/12/2018 12:46

ive been in a violent relationship and 2 years later I still wouldnt consider dating. Ok to answer your question yes 6 weeks is too soon.

pudding21 · 05/12/2018 12:50

OP: you don't live near each other right? So just keep with the chatting, and don't set plans to meet. And take a look at the freedom program , you are vulnerable right now. I imagine you have been deprived of nice human contact for a while and that may be appealing.

Keep it to texts or messages, avoid the phone or meet ups until you are in a good place with your own self.

Original poster
Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 13:02

Pudding: we live about 2 hours away from each other. I have told him I don’t want to meet for a long time, that I enjoy speaking to him but I’m not ready for anything more than friendship right now. I understand what you mean about being deprived of nice human contact and I think that plays a part in it and is also why I asked the question “is it too soon?” As I don’t know if I just like the attention right now and having someone nice to talk to and if it’s the right thing. Thankyou for all the nice comments everyone they are appreciated

OP posts:
thelaststraw123 · 05/12/2018 13:08

Everyone is different. You know when you'll be ready.

As for him helping you through as a friend, make sure your boundaries are very clear to him and yourself. Don't be jumping into anything you're not ready for.

I'm in a slightly different position to you, in the case of my children live with their father, after my abusive relationship as I was in no fit state to look after them after it.

I'm in a refuge now and rebuilding my life, but am chatting with people and may well decide to date, I'm not ready for anything serious, however I don't want to lock myself away and miss out on life because of a bad relationship before

Original poster
Helpmeplease2018 · 05/12/2018 13:14

Thelaststraw123: I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through similar and glad to hear your rebuilding your life. I agree with you that everyone is different, no one feels the same and although experiences might be similar, no one goes through the same things or is affected mentally the same way. I don’t even know who I am anymore and I am in the process of rebuilding my life on my own and getting to know myself again and the told friend has helped with this as he knew me way before all of this.

OP posts: