Is it too soon? Getting to know someone again.

[Helpmeplease2018]

I recently got out of an abusive relationship, he was arrested a few weeks ago for punching me and was charged with battery. Currently waiting for a court date and we have had no contact since. We have a 1 year old ds together and I have a 4 year old dd from a previous relationship. It’s 100% the end of the relationship and I feel sad but I’m getting on with it and being strong for the little ones.

A few days ago I was messaged by an old friend, we knew each other years ago, he moved away and we lost touch. It seems that we are both attracted to each other (he has made subtle comments about this) but I have made it very clear I am not ready for a relationship yet and I am happy to talk as friends. We talk every day, sometimes late into the night and he messages me in the morning. He also has a 4 year old dd from a previous relationship. We have so much in common and used to be great friends and I feel myself getting emotionally invested.

I suppose my question is is it too soon to be taking to someone new? Even though he knows I only want to be friends for the moment there is attraction there and I don’t know if I’m making a mistake in “Persuing” this so to speak. Also I have no idea about dating (been in a relationship for 3 years and we were friends before). How do you get to know someone? How do you make sure they are a good person and how do I tell what he wants if that makes sense? I don’t want to end up in a relationship like I was in ever again but it would be nice to fall in love again. Thankyou for reading.

helpmeplease if he can help you get back the person you were then why not, as you say, its all about finding yourself again!

And if it makes you happy to talk to him even as just friends then that is going to rub off on your children that mummy is happier

X

Problem with talking to him so much is that you are already dependent on him for support and will be reluctant to give that up. Try and build up your independence to the point you feel you do not need a man in your life, but actually would enjoy some male company. Learn to be happy and content on your own, it will fill you with feelings of self worth. My immediate reaction is yes it is way too soon to even consider a romantic relationship even if it is way down the line. You say he understands you do not want to meet anytime soon, he may be saying that but will start pressurising you.

How are people supporting this!! For fuck's sake I understand the OP's desire to meet this man but it's so patently an awful idea that the objective posters supporting this should be ashamed of themselves.

OP: please stop dating or pseudo dating or pre dating. At least do the freedom programme first. You said you don't know who you are anymore. This man is a distraction from finding out. Get independent and focus on yourself and your children and their safety.

They don't have anyone to protect them. Only you. Please please please make that your priority.

thelaststraw123

I don't mean to be rude but you are dating from a DV refuge after losing custody of your children because you are more afraid of "missing out on life" than getting into another bad relationship.

There is so much wrong there I can't even engage with it.

OP: you really feel comfortable taking advice from this poster?

Just because you dont have a man doesnt mean your missing out on life, its sad that people feel this way.

viripadexo you know nothing about me, so keep your judging to yourself. I have been out of my relationship a longer period of time and am working alongside social services to get my children back

Quit pearl clutching and wind your neck in 😂

Thankfully I don't need validation for the way I live my life! I'm guessing you've never been in the position before?

I think the thing to be wary of is talking yourself round to meeting, then dating, quicker than you're currently thinking you will, which is almost inevitable because of the attraction you both feel.

You say you're already getting emotionally invested; and messaging every day, late into the night and then the next day sounds like more than rebuilding an old friendship already. These actions are speaking louder than your words saying it's too soon. He might be saying what you want to hear, but he is definitely receiving mixed messages.

I think you're in danger of missing out on rediscovering who you are, because your focus will become him, or who you are with him.

If you're serious about just being friends for now, then talk to him only as often as you talk to your other friends. Re-ignite any other friendships that got sidelined during the abusive relationship, or if there aren't any/many, then aim to build some, so that you have a network of supportive people in your life.

I'm guessing you've never been in the position before?

Of losing custody of my kids? No.

if he can help you get back the person you were then why not, as you say, its all about finding yourself again!

Becoming dependent on a man to put you together after abuse is dangerous.

And if it makes you happy to talk to him even as just friends then that is going to rub off on your children that mummy is happier

Yeah, OP, the primary concern of your 2 and 4 year old is to get you a new boyfriend.

These posts are madness. Self esteem cannot come from a man. It has to come from you. You're already over invested. Focus on yourself and your children.

vuripadexo I never once stated that OP needed to become dependent on another man

And to jump on about losing my children, yes I have made mistakes but I am working alongside social services to get them back so I suggest you keep your stuck up opinion to yourself in regards to my situation.

I am giving the OP my opinion on the question she asked. Do not have to validate my decisions to a keyboard warrior who knows nothing about my personal situation!

No ones opinion is any more valid than anyone else’s, thelaststraw was giving advice based on her opinion and she has a right to do so! I wish people wouldn’t be so mean to other people, you don’t know what people are going through.
Crimsonlake I am not relying on him, I have support from other places too but it’s nice to have friends, I wasn’t allowed to talk to any of them when I was with my ex so I am taking full advantage of it!
Vuripadexo I have no desire to meet this man! I have stated that many times throughout this thread. I have a desire to keep talking to him, but I am worried it is not a good idea when I am attracted to him. I will not be meeting him, I will be making sure we stay friends and only friends for the foreseeable future, if I decide to keep talking to him. My children are 100% my priority! Having friends isn’t going to change that but having support will make this easier, in turn making me happier and better able to look after them so I understand what thelaststraw was saying.
Charlottecollinsneelucas this is my primary concern that I will feel pressured into meeting him sooner or “dating” him because there are feelings there. I want to avoid this as it’s not what I need right now, i need a friend. I do have other friends, one who I do speak to as much as this. Me (and her) speak late into the night most nights and talk throughout the day. She has been my best friend for a long time though and we support each other through everything. She has told me there is no problem with speaking to the old friend, but I wanted other opinions and this has helped because it has made me think about it and hear other people’s perspectives on the situation.

And to jump on about losing my children, yes I have made mistakes but I am working alongside social services to get them back so I suggest you keep your stuck up opinion to yourself in regards to my situation.

If not wanting to lose custody of my kids is stuck up I'm happy to be stuck up.

OP: good luck but making your children a "100% my priority!" doesn't just mean feeling bad about their poor childhoods in an abusive home it means making decisions to reduce the risk of them growing up in an abusive home.

Right now you are not strong enough to survive this relationship if it turns bad. Can't you just leave it alone until you've done the freedom programme at least?

I split with my husband 8 weeks ago. No abuse, we had just grown apart and got fed up with one another. Despite having worked on our issues since April and both agreeing it was time to split it has been a real shock to the system and an upheaval. I spent a couple of weeks feeling really numb. Then moved on to really sad and am starting to find a few hopeful spots. My focus has been on keeping life and limb together, supporting my 7 year old DD and keeping things as stable for her as possible and changing small things a little at a time to get back some of the things I used to enjoy about being single (cooking peppers for dinner as H was allergic so haven't eaten them in ages!)
My husband is being great about not arguing in front of DD, providing a consistent message about us loving her and both wanting to split. He is also being consistent with access arrangements and in putting DD first so she is already adjusting nicely to the new norm.

I am setting myself weekly goals to change small things about my life that frustrated me in living with my husband. This includes moving furniture around, clearing clutter, menu planning etc.. I am also taking time to do stuff for me. I had my hair cut, painted my nails, spent the morning Xmas shopping alone when DD was with her Dad (and had coffee and cake). I've downloaded some new books to read and am generally really starting to enjoy some of this new reality!

I know I want to date again in future but it is FAR FAR too soon for me to be thinking of that. I guess I need 6 - 12 months to find a new happy easy routine as a single mum before I consider dating and even then I'd be taking it slow.

Personally I think you are "on the rebound" as they used to call it when I was a teen! A man is treating you nicely and you are hurt and lost now your partner has treated you so badly and is no longer there. I think this will lead to someone getting hurt long term. If you really like the guy then maybe cut contact now and arrange to meet him in 6 months. If you then still feel the same it is worth pursuing. Right now though you are vulnerable and not in the best position to start anything new.

It seems a bit intense for a mere friendship. You've told him that you're uninterested in a relationship but your actions imply the opposite. Perhaps scale back the messaging and focus on yourself and the DCs for now.

Good luck.

OP - honestly, this is far, far too soon for you to be pursuing something with this man. You say you don't want a relationship, or to meet up, but all of your actions are clearly heading in that direction and you also say you're developing feelings. You need to be honest with yourself - actions speak far louder than words.

Let me ask you a more important question. How are your kids? They've been through a huge upheaval, with the Police involved and their father / father-figure suddenly wrested from their lives in very difficult circumstances. However well you think they're doing, those of us who've been there have to be honest and tell you they're not. No child just shrugs this off. There will always be far more bubbling away below the surface.

Right now, they need your total focus. They need calm, stability, and predictability in their lives. They need to know that they come first. You shouldn't even be thinking of dating (or chatting, or whatever you want to describe this thing as) for the foreseeable future - be the mum your kids need, and focus on them. I separated from an abusive wife nearly three years ago, and spent the first couple of years focussing completely on my kids. As a result, they've thrived - but it could so easily have been different. In contrast, their mum bounced straight into something new, introducing a new man to them very quickly, moving him in very quickly, and getting remarried very quickly. I promise you that the kids are distinctly unimpressed - they saw where her priorities were, and it wasn't them. Be the parent they need.

As for you, you've just escaped an abusive relationship. Please do the hard work on yourself before you even think of getting involved with anyone else. You need to understand why you tolerated the things you did (that's not blaming you - it's saying that you have to understand why you were susceptible to that behaviour if you're ever to prevent it happening again). You need to find out who you are, discover some passions in life, and find your own happiness. Only then will you be ready to enter a healthy relationship. That is a job of months or years - it certainly isn't a job for five, nearly six, weeks.