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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship - am I being paranoid

33 replies

pob1880 · 05/12/2018 10:01

I have been with my GF for 5 years, we get on great however there's on sticking point that we argue over time and time again, Money!

We have separate houses and don't live together, I work full time and my GF doesn't, she receives benefits and csa from her ex for her 2 children, constantly I am being made to feel guilty for working, she expects me to pay for nights out or days out, I have taken my GF and her 2 children away on holiday I paid for it all on serval occasions no help from her, and when we got back she kept asking me to pay for food shopping or contribute to her house, I do stay at hers a lot but I can not simply keep affording to run my house and pay the food bill for her as well, I don't mind paying for my share but its expected I pay all the food shopping all the time, if I say to her I can not afford it she just says 'go just stay at yours' or 'you have plenty of money' I have 2 children myself I pay for, she has said in the past I need to contribute to the house as she has the heating on or I use the water, my response is you would have the heating on anyway if wasn't here! I have pointed out I have paid for holiday but she responds by saying 'it doesn't help with the day to day stuff' she constantly asks me to 'lend' her money, she is always broke and I feel she turns to me as her safety net
, there was one occasion when she asked me to lend her some money and I said I couldn't afford to, she then just says 'I don't know why I'm with you' and threatens to leave me, of course I give in a lend the money, but its rare I get it back, I pointed out to her that If she is so skint why did she go out with her friends on a night out or why did you pay for your hair to be done, I have to sacrifice things so I can live but she doesn't , but when she has no money I am expected to cough up! she has no excuse not to wok she chooses not to work, when we argue about money I say 'you chose not to work' again the threats of braking up come up in conversation.

I have tried to talk about this to her but she just threatens to leave me, she has said very sternly she doesn't want to get married or live with me so I am left constantly asking myself what am doing, I feel I am just here to dish out money all the time.

OP posts:

Dirtybadger · 05/12/2018 10:06

How much are you at hers? If youre there a lot then you should be contributing towards bills. But if she's asking for way more than that or you aren't there much then I would say her call her bluff on dumping you because you won't give her more money....

KlutzyDraconequus · 05/12/2018 10:09

There's little point replying to any of the points other than to say this,

Grow up.

Anyone that threatens to end a relationship unless they get their own way about things, isn't worth being with.

Musti · 05/12/2018 10:13

She's taking the piss. If she's only with you so you can find her lifestyle tell her to do one.

Original poster

pob1880 · 05/12/2018 10:15

I stay on average 3 time a week, her income is similar to mine, I don't mind contributing but I buy all the food every week and pay for the family holidays I can not simply pay for everything but when I say this I keep getting the threats of braking up, I have recently brought her a lot of furniture for her house amounting to £2k I paid 90% towards buying her car, I have paid for petrol I have paid for clothes for her, yet I get nothing in return, I once asked her to look after my son whilst I went to work and she said she wants me to pay her for that, even though I have looked after her children in the past.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 05/12/2018 10:17

She's a leach, leave

maximumcarnage · 05/12/2018 10:20

I've read your post carefully and I didn't read anything that you like about her, that you love her or care for her. Indeed, I couldn't spot a single positive there. All I read was pretty much how mercenary she is with regards to money. I am sure she has many redeeming qualities, that she's an absolute delight when in the right frame of mind. I am also sure as a single parent it's hardwork looking after kids and maintaining a household.

All that being said she's clearly exploiting you for money and is quite prepared to use blackmail of one variety or another to get what she wants, that is, more cash despite paying significantly more than your fair share.

You may well love her, sure you do to stay in this arrangement. But I think you should have a break from this relationship. I don't think it is right for you. I would suggest at the very least a temporary seperation, give yourself some space to think about what you really want. But I will be honest, this feels incredibly one sided. Best of luck.

DeeStopia · 05/12/2018 10:21

I'd stop buying the extras- car, furniture etc- but pay a set amount each month towards bills and rent.

Mary1935 · 05/12/2018 10:21

She’s taking you for a fool I’m sorry to say. What’s she doing with her money. How old are the kids. Hopefully she can get a job soon but she’s unlikely too as you are funding her lifestyle. She doesn’t need to work! You need to put your foot down. She may end it but that’s not love then is it.

LemonTT · 05/12/2018 10:22

Obviously you have choices too and I think you should exercise them. First up, you have tried to talk about how you can fairly pay your way. But she refuses to listen and cannot justify her demands. She is being emotionally and financially coercive. That won’t change as she knows what she is doing.

So you can leave, which is recommended, or you can withdraw financial support. Don’t eat at hers and don’t stay over. Go home and sort out your own meals. If that means less time it means less time with her. Don’t pay for her to go on holiday. Tell her were you are going and how much it costs but let he make her own arrangements to join you.

Otherwise you will need to suck it up. Plus she is never going to commit because she is too comfortable as it is

maximumcarnage · 05/12/2018 10:22

Just read your update. It is pretty clear cut to me. Leave her. You will be better off.

ravenmum · 05/12/2018 10:25

she asked me to lend her some money and I said I couldn't afford to, she then just says 'I don't know why I'm with you' and threatens to leave me, of course I give in a lend the money
To me, this sentence should end "so of course I left her". What makes you think it should end "so of course I gave in"?

HollowTalk · 05/12/2018 10:27

Leave her. She's selfish and a leech on you. You can do much, much better. This woman only wants you for what you can give her, financially.

DoctorManhattan · 05/12/2018 10:40

You are not a partner to her.

You are a walking ATM.

Get rid!!

Original poster

pob1880 · 05/12/2018 10:40

Thanks for the comments on this, I do love her I do care for her and other than the 'money' situation we get on well, its just becoming an issue now, yes I have savings and yes I work full, I don't mind helping and paying my way, but I cannot keep funding everything, but I am scared to bring it up in conversation because I know what will be said, and that's where the threat of leaving me comes into play, it hurts me when she says she doesn't want to live together or get married, I am in my 40's now and at a point in my life where I am self sufficient and don't want to carry people because of their choices, but its very hard when you love someone.

OP posts:

aintnothinbutagstring · 05/12/2018 10:46

I think after 5 years, id have thought one of you would have made some sort of commitment to each other, you sound a bit wishy washy tbh, no wonder she walks all over you.

Original poster

pob1880 · 05/12/2018 10:48

You're right I am soft, and would do anything for anyone especially the one you love, but there comes a point where I am starting to question my role in the relationship.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 05/12/2018 10:54

What are you scared what she will say if you refuse? You mean you are afraid she will leave you? Is it losing her that scares you, or is it being rejected that scares you? If it's the latter, well, you can take away her chance to reject you...

KlutzyDraconequus · 05/12/2018 11:09

How old is she and her kids?
How old are your kids?
Do you all mix as a family regularly?

If her kids are little and yours are older and you all go out then I could possibly see an imbalance in who pays.

category12 · 05/12/2018 11:09

It seems odd that you've been together 5 years but never made the leap to living together and pooling resources. Probably a good thing as it turns out.

It is fair that you pay your way when staying with her so much, but it does sound unbalanced from what you say. If you're not happy with it and there's no compromise available, then you need to end it.

Baking101 · 05/12/2018 11:44

She makes you feel guilty for working and wants all of your money?

Leave the bitch.

Suebnm · 05/12/2018 12:18

Is it because of benefits she doesn’t want you to live with her? Or something else entirely?

hellsbellsmelons · 05/12/2018 12:24

where I am starting to question my role in the relationship
It's blindingly obvious that your role is to bank roll her.
Why are you putting up with this?
Tell her what you can afford for the 3 nights you are there and than that is all she will get.
If she threatens to end then agree with her.
Honestly. This is not OK.
She's taking the piss.
You are enabling this and you are being a complete doormat.
Stop it!

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 05/12/2018 12:35

I’m so confused. What happened to your self respect? How have you got yourself into a position where a woman says ‘give me money or we’re over’ and you give her money? Why are you okay with being valued solely as an income source by a woman who doesn’t want to live with you or ever be with you properly and threatens to leave you?

Genuinely, why? To have this low self esteem you’ll tolerate this and keep going back for more is deeply troubling, and not something that will magically resolve itself even if you end this relationship. Have you ever had therapy?

Ellisandra · 05/12/2018 13:18

How does it even happen that you have a similar income and then you pay for:
Holidays
90% of s car
£2K furniture
?

You need to think about what love is, and why you love her when she (a) leeches off you and (b) threatens to dump you if you don’t pay up.

These things would kill any love that I had.

Work out a fair contribution for staying 3 nights a week. Offer that every week and NOTHING MORE.

You’ll soon find out if she loves you.

HollowTalk · 05/12/2018 15:42

Why do you love someone who's using you, though? What do you think love is? Do you really think she loves you, if she's using you like this?

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