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Original poster

Sex without attachment. Am I normal?

29 replies

Confusion1 · 05/12/2018 08:39

Hello. I’m hoping for some non biased opinions on a situation. I haven’t told any of my real life family or friends about this in fear of judgement... it’s a bit of a secret part of my life I guess.

Over the last year or so of being single which included lots of online dating, tinder swiping, frequenting bars etc I’ve racked up a number of “regular guys” who will come and see me literally just for sex. I obviously haven’t told any of them about each other and never ask about their situations either although one or two like to overshare.

I’m at the point I’m having to keep a diary to schedule the guys, so they don’t overlap. I’m even turning down social arrangements for them (I’m a bit of a people pleaser and don’t like to say no especially when they are persistent) and I’m rearranging my social calendar in order to see them.

Most days of the week I see one of the guys. I live alone so partly this is boredom due to not having much else to do in the evenings.

Why so many not just one? I guess one reason is that it’s easier to stay detached.

Do I have feelings for them? Yes or I wouldn’t get intimate. They are all attractive to me and good in bed hence wanting to see them again.

Do I see long term potential? No due to cultural differences - I live in the Middle East none of them are relationship material and vice versa, although they like to sweet talk me as they think that’s what I want to hear when actually I’d rather just be upfront and open. I know I’m not suitable for them and neither are they for me. To stay disconnected I never let them stay overnight, we never go out for meals or dates etc. It is literally just for sex.

I’m not asking for judgement but I suppose what I’m asking is whether it’s emotionally normal that I can remain so disconnected or whether I need some kind of therapy to extract myself from the situation as I don’t feel that I can change it, I’m not sure I even want to change it but it is starting to affect my sleep and social life. Has anybody else had similar experiences?

OP posts:
noego · 05/12/2018 08:47

If its starting to affect your MH then it is a MH issue. You also state you are a people pleaser that is not healthy either.
Knowing this, what do you think you should do about it?

Original poster
Confusion1 · 05/12/2018 08:49

I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say it’s affecting my mental health... I’ve always been a people pleaser I don’t see that changing anytime soon as it sjist part of my personality

OP posts:
YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 05/12/2018 08:49

Morally there’s nothing wrong with it, of course.

I’m just worried about the Middle East thing. If it all goes south with one of them is there a chance you could be arrested? Depends where you are I suppose.

WaterBird · 05/12/2018 08:51

I don't want to come across as judgmental, but I really think you are better off being honest with these guys if none of them know about each other. It's really not fair to them. These are people, and at least one of them might have formed an attachment with you but been too shy to admit it.
I'm sorry you're struggling.

WaterBird · 05/12/2018 08:59

"Morally there's nothing wrong with it of course."
But none of these men know about one another. It's quite possible that some of them might have formed an attachment with her, and that the cultural divide might be more appealing to them. "The one they can never have"

Alaaya · 05/12/2018 09:03

I don't think there's anything wrong with staying detached, but I think you ought to be honest with your sexual partners that you're not viewing this as exclusive. You don't need to say anything more than that, but I think it's good to be explicit with this kind of thing.

Prinstress · 05/12/2018 09:04

I've been in your place, it gets absolutely exhausting juggling it all. I wasn't single tho, and the sneaking around and keeping up different stories with different people was really difficult.

I felt like I was living multiple different lives, and it had a terrible effect on my mental health resulting in a suicide attempt.

8 months later after some therapy I've realised I use sex in a similar way to self harming. It's putting yourself in dangerous/risky/unsafe situations. I don't have any advice as such...

Maybe some therapy could be good just so you have an outlet, someone to speak to who can give you and outside objective opinion, it really helped me Flowers

Prinstress · 05/12/2018 09:05

I disagree about telling the other guys about eachother, that could end very badly. I experienced some violence when I "came clean"

Dirtybadger · 05/12/2018 09:09

It's fine to sleep with people if you enjoy it and to not want more.

The concerning bits are that you are doing it to please them if they are "persistent" and turning down social stuff for them. Keep up your social life! Your friends are worth more than some casual sex, don't drop them for these blokes. Don't prioritise sex over actual meaningful relationships with friends.

I would say you probably need to find other things to do if you're bored. Relying on sex to keep you occupied probably isn't the best.

I don't think there's anything morally wrong with what you're doing as long as the blokes know that you don't want a relationship (it would seem obvious to me being that they come over for sex and then leave). Take care of yourself in terms of regular sexual health screening, and I would insist that you see evidence that the blokes are doing the same too as they may also have multiple casual partners.

Is this all ok in the country you're in, too? Again I assume you and you don't mention otherwise but if you are at any risk legally from your actions I would stop straight away.

noego · 05/12/2018 09:12

@confusion1

(I’m a bit of a people pleaser and don’t like to say no especially when they are persistent)

So, some form of coercion exists?

but it is starting to affect my sleep and social life

Just trying to point out the early warning signs.

MMmomDD · 05/12/2018 09:13

OP - there is nothing wrong with you - in the sense that we all are different and how we connect with people is different.
Sex without attachment works for you, so why not....

It is worrying that it affects your sleep and social life. That bit - i’d Try to fix - and if you have resources and time - i’d see a psychologist to understand what in your makeup makes you not able to set firmer boundaries in your life...

As to the men - we are grown ups. If any of these men is under illusion that you are in a relationship with them - after a few trips for sex and no other interactions outside of bedroom - they need help too.
It’s not on you to worry about that.
If they start a conversation - obviously you need to he honest, but otherwise - it’s not your issue what they assume. All grown up and consenting adults

WaterBird · 05/12/2018 09:21

I'd be really concerned about the personalities of the men. If some are prone to be violent, doesn't that mean that the OP might not be safe?

Thistly · 05/12/2018 09:23

I think you post with some unease because there is a power imbalance in your relationships. You are being pushed around. It’s nice to be wanted, but you need to maintain boundaries. If people are being persistent, you need to be confident you can say no to them... otherwise you are in danger of being coerced.

If you did meet someone suitable, would you be able to dump them all instantly and cleanly without any repercussions? If you doubt it, then it is probably because they don’t respect your autonomy.

Original poster
Confusion1 · 05/12/2018 09:37

Officially it isn’t legal, I know that sounds crazy but it is not exactly a rare occurrence and it all takes place behind closed doors.

Yes I think I do need to find other hobbies to take my mind off the guys as they are taking over my time and life.

They definitely don’t want a relationship, it is all very much on a casual basis. Like I say some of them overshare in terms of telling me about girls they’re seeing. I just haven’t been open just because I doubt they want to know .. not that they probably don’t know or have an idea.

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 05/12/2018 10:08

I'm not judging morally. It's no one else's business. You're not hurting anyone.
But I'm struggling to see how this is good for you? Why remain detached? Have you been hurt before? People pleaser. Do you need counselling?

Do you have close friendships generally. I suspect you don't. Which all sounds like a very damaged individual.

Why don't you want a fully loving meaningful relationship? That leads to marriage?

Because if you do want that this certainly isn't the way to go about it.

Original poster
Confusion1 · 05/12/2018 10:14

Yes been hurt before in a long term relationship. I dont really have any close friends. I guess I’m not the best at making or maintaining friendships/relationships. Not sure why...

I’ve given up on the idea of marriage/long term relationships so not looking for that.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/12/2018 10:31

I’m even turning down social arrangements for them [...] partly this is boredom due to not having much else to do in the evenings.
Sounds like a vicious circle?

Have you looked into "avoidant attachment style"? www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/

Original poster
Confusion1 · 05/12/2018 10:34

I definitely fit the description but not the explanation... my childhood as a baby and toddler was in a loving household where I felt cared for.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/12/2018 10:37

Maybe something to do with later romantic relationships?

ravenmum · 05/12/2018 10:39

And later relationships with friends? I had a bad experience as a teenager with a friend directly rejecting me, and it made me very careful not to annoy people too much with my presence.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 05/12/2018 10:44

I’ve given up on the idea of marriage/long term relationships so not looking for that. Is this a happy choice for you? Or one that you've settled for?

I can completely empathise though because I've been abused and/or cheated on in all my relationships. Whenever I'm inbetween relationships I always do what you're doing. I find it easy to detach sex from love/feelings. I feel sexual chemistry I'll continue to do it but I'm very in control of my feelings.

However that did change when I met my current partner. We were sleeping together for at least 6 months before I agreed to anything more than that! I just felt safe with him and knew I wanted to be with him. I wouldn't rule out that possibility for yourself.

category12 · 05/12/2018 10:46

As the woman in this scenario, you'd be the one in the deepest shit if it came out, tho?

It sounds really unhealthy that you're turning down social engagements for this. And, forgive me, it sounds kind of like the men involved see you on the level of a prostitute, without you getting paid.

If you were having a great time, then fine, but it doesn't sound like you are at all.

ravenmum · 05/12/2018 10:49

Did you see this line in the link above, btw?
"Others may describe their childhood as happy and their parents as loving, but are unable to give specific examples to support these positive evaluations."

Original poster
Confusion1 · 05/12/2018 10:53

I think it’s kind of addictive or maybe more of a habit now.

And yes the men do just come for sex pretty much. I mean we do have a laugh and chat as well. It’s not the equivalent of amsterdams red light district in my place..

I did want marriage and a loving relationship but for various reasons it doesn’t seem realistic or possible for me. I have come to the realisation that is not my path in life. Of course if I did meet someone incredible and who I clicked with then yes I wouldn’t turn that down for a bunch of random men but that hasn’t happened and I don’t see it happening any time soon,

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/12/2018 10:56

This seems to be one way of preventing it from happening any time soon.