Sex without attachment. Am I normal?

[Confusion1]

Hello. I’m hoping for some non biased opinions on a situation. I haven’t told any of my real life family or friends about this in fear of judgement... it’s a bit of a secret part of my life I guess.

Over the last year or so of being single which included lots of online dating, tinder swiping, frequenting bars etc I’ve racked up a number of “regular guys” who will come and see me literally just for sex. I obviously haven’t told any of them about each other and never ask about their situations either although one or two like to overshare.

I’m at the point I’m having to keep a diary to schedule the guys, so they don’t overlap. I’m even turning down social arrangements for them (I’m a bit of a people pleaser and don’t like to say no especially when they are persistent) and I’m rearranging my social calendar in order to see them.

Most days of the week I see one of the guys. I live alone so partly this is boredom due to not having much else to do in the evenings.

Why so many not just one? I guess one reason is that it’s easier to stay detached.

Do I have feelings for them? Yes or I wouldn’t get intimate. They are all attractive to me and good in bed hence wanting to see them again.

Do I see long term potential? No due to cultural differences - I live in the Middle East none of them are relationship material and vice versa, although they like to sweet talk me as they think that’s what I want to hear when actually I’d rather just be upfront and open. I know I’m not suitable for them and neither are they for me. To stay disconnected I never let them stay overnight, we never go out for meals or dates etc. It is literally just for sex.

I’m not asking for judgement but I suppose what I’m asking is whether it’s emotionally normal that I can remain so disconnected or whether I need some kind of therapy to extract myself from the situation as I don’t feel that I can change it, I’m not sure I even want to change it but it is starting to affect my sleep and social life. Has anybody else had similar experiences?

You wouldn't be posting if you were fine with this. I had a
Long relationship with a guy from the Middle East and ultimately it didn't go anywhere because culturally he didn't think his family would accept me. I realise now that is a shitty excuse and he should have tried but I simply didn't mean enough to him. He's a dr living in this country now and I expect he is married to someone western.

Now, I loved him and it was very very difficult giving that relationship up but I realised it wasn't going to go anywhere.

If you stick to relationships where both of you are emotionally detached all that is going to happen is that you are going to be closed off to meeting someone that you could have a normal
Relationship with. I suspect you are seeing lots of guys as a way of protecting yourself but ultimately you are the only one going to be hurt by this.

Practically speaking, as long as you are strict with condoms (alas, avoidance can involve just pretending to yourself you don't need to think too hard about risks), there's nothing intrinsically wrong with it - though you do run the risk of some sort of social exposure if it ever got out.

If they are literally not letting you sleep, though, and you are too scared to confront the issue, that does sound like you need therapy.

Couple of thoughts;

1. Are you happy? If there's anything about this that - disregarding other people's judgements - upsets you, then maybe have a think about whether you can stop this, and if it's hard to stop then get some counselling maybe. However if you're perfectly happy, then carry on!

2. Are all of you fully consenting and safe, and would any of them mind if they knew they weren't the only one? If yes to all of the above, crack on, but if not, then deal with that aspect before you go further (i.e. sort contraception and tell them you're not exclusive).

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks as long as you're happy, consenting, safe, and honest with your partners.

If you did meet someone suitable, would you be able to dump them all instantly and cleanly without any repercussions? If you doubt it, then it is probably because they don’t respect your autonomy.

I put some thought into my previous post, and asked the above question. Just in case you missed it, i’m posting it again. Give it some consideration, and I hope you find it useful.