Help me not to contact exP's new GF

[despairingagain]

Name changed. Penis beaker, blah, blah, blah...

Long story short; exDP was arrested 2 weeks ago for beating me up. Several closed hand punched to the face and body, hair pulling, smashing my head repeatedly off a wall and holding a small blade to my throat (he cut my forehead with it by mistake). He was held for 10 hours and then released with a formal caution for ABH. I am currently trying to decide if I can afford the financial contribution needed for legal aid to issue a non-molestation order against him. I probably can't...

We have 3 kids together and split up 3.5 years ago after 12.5 year relationship, I asked him to leave but for once he didn't fight for it so that was that. A seemingly mutual agreement. Only he never really properly moved on. We both started casually seeing other people and he went about drinking and getting high on cocaine and seeing his kids whenever he bloody felt like it. At my place as he had no base. He has had 14 jobs in 6 years so no security and child maintenance has been extremely patchy to put it kindly. He was physically abusive to me in the past years before this incident and has remained emotionally abusive and controlling of me ever since we split. I let him away with too much as he threatened to get me fired (my boss is his mate) and I needed his help with childcare (which he also threatened to take away). There were threats over getting full custody of the kids as well.

He still has no place if his own and has bounced between mine, his mums and a woman he was seeing up until a couple of months ago. He has been seeing this woman for over 3 years (but was certainly putting the ground work in before we split)! He has cheated on her over 30 times - sometimes unprotected (I know this through him bragging to his mates who told me and then him admitting it later). He has also laughed about using her wealth to get a mortgage. Awful, vile behaviour. Knocks me sick.

His GF left him in October (he was barely bothering to see her once a week). He also had 4 months unemployed up until last week and had been sponging off me. To top it off, he caught crotch rot (lol) kind of like athletes foot round the groin I think, which wouldn't shift. So he was pretty fed up. But so was I with his grim treatment of me, the kids and everyone around him. I asked him to leave my house again (calmly) a fortnight ago and in response he beat the shit out of me.

I'm okay. No permanent damage. And thankfully all the kids were out of the house at school when this happened. But it's been awful since. The kids are suffering with the new dynamic and he's been staying at his mums, alternating between feeling sorry for himself and trying to apologise. Thus far he's kept away from me and this house and the kids visits are being supervised by his mum for now.

I found out tonight that he's asked his ex girlfriend out to dinner on Sunday. I was worried this might happen; I knew he wasn't going to want to stay long at his parents, so he's going to try and butter her up so he can sponge off her instead...🤦🏼‍♀️ I feel awful for the girl. She's not in full possession of the facts about this arsehole and the thought of him using her, maybe getting on her mortgage and ripping her off or infecting her with STD's or just generally wrecking her life like he has mine and the kids - well I just can't bear it.

I'm trying to decide how much of me wanting to tell her is honourable (a lot is) and how much is me just trying to put a spanner in the works of his nasty plans because I hate the scumbag so much. There's a bit of both for sure.

What should I do? I'm torn...

Keep out of it, he will only use it against you if you say anything to her.

OP - been there and got the t-shirt. Unfortunately it’s likely gar even if you do send a message she won’t believe it. He has probably described you as a lunatic and any messages you send he will use this against you more than likely.

The OW in my instance didn’t listen and she got hurt badly. He dumped her cruelly and is now pretty much living with someone else. My ex has an sti - genital warts which is incurable. I can guarantee he has had unprotected sex with the new gf (he doesn’t like condoms due to ED issues) in the full knowledge that he has warts. I doubt he’s told her. Debating whether to because I’d want to know and I would want to safe guard myself against that.

It’s hard isn’t it?

Think about how you'd feel and the call out if you did. I think walk away and work on yourself. Keep your dignity. I'm sorry you're going through this

I agree. Stay out of it. Stay away from him and get a court order for the children. Don't let him stop at your house! Cut contact and Cut that toxic man out of your life and start living yours with your children.

Tell her, she might not believe you, but imagine how you'd feel if you don't and he does worse to her.

I think it depends how you would do it

A message, no.

Speak to her face to face and let her see your authenticity and genuine concern for her, without telling her what to do, then yes

Honestly I would do my damnedest to find the money for the non-molestation order and get him out of your life as much as possible. You need to be disengaging from all his shit, not stepping into it.

Thanks all. I knew it would be a mixed bag! Such a hard one isn't it?

Interestingly, he's far, FAR too clever to have painted me as an outright crazy psycho. He will have taken the approach that I'm "lovely, a nice mum but had a very troubled childhood (true)" so that he looks fair and gentlemanly and any issues in my part are only implied.

He won't have told her he got nicked for battering me. He can't keep in a job for long so is looking for the next mug to carry him through life.

I have really relaxed already without his constant looming presence. 2 of my 3 kids are struggling with the changes (one is ASD however, so that was expected). But hearing this today has made me feel so genuinely awful for this poor woman. She may or may not believe me. And she may decide to ignore my advice but at least I'll know that I tried to do the right thing by her. I could sleep at night then, if I don't then I'll feel such a coward.

On the flip side, I'm scared of what the outcome for me will be if I "thwart" his nasty plans. Whilst I don't think he'd be dumb enough to come and beat me again (although you never know), I do worry that the hate campaign will be LIFELONG.

Yes disengaging is the best idea.

I just feel awful for her. And it infuriates me that men like him can just go on causing pain and destruction wherever they go, with seemingly no comebacks. How do they get away with it all? 😞

Could you do it anonymously?

Just a statement of facts. I know she may guess it's you but she'd have no proof.

Could you speak to the police and see if they will make a disclosure to him under Claire’s Law?

*to her

You could just sing dumb if she tells him she thinks it was you and he comes at you about it. Besides he'll be cautious about coming at you now, plus she must have issues/suspicions about him or she wouldn't have broke up (?)

I did think about doing it anonymously but I think honesty is the best policy here - if I do it then I'll own it.

My raging sister has offered to tell her but that's probably not a great idea!!!

Would Claire's law work with a caution? Would he not have to have been charged in court for that to count? I'm not entirely sure how it all works...

Weirdly one of the police officers I spoke to in the aftermath of the attack, asked me if he was likely to be a "menace" (his words) to her now that all avenues to me has been shut off. 😳 Not sure what to make if that but I did say "quite possibly".

You really need to concentrate on getting yourself mentally, financially and practically free of him properly, once and for all. You don't need to know who he's seeing or what he's up to.

Your "break-up" has spanned 3 and half years so far, how much longer is it going to drag on? Detach, detach, detach, detach. Get free.

Honestly, as much as you want to save the new/future gf from all the hell you have gone through, you can't. She won't believe you/he will explain the unexplainable away somehow. Plus that sort of guy always has back up plans (the next mug/victim to sponge off) and you can't spe d the rest of your life warning everyone off him x

Category you are so right. I'm seeing someone lovely myself, and I've never wanted exP back or anything since the day I left him. But because of his domineering nature, I've never entirely been "allowed" to break free from not putting him first all the time. It's like the break up never truly got finalised because he wouldn't get out of my face! If we'd ever have married, I suppose it could be likened to filing the divorce papers and then never doing anything further with them...

But oh my god that poor, poor girl. It honestly makes me want to throw up. I don't know why I worry so strongly. Maybe because I know how much she has to lose and how he'll go about taking it from her...

Please do not allow him to come to your house. Can you get someone else to and over the DC? Or are they old enough to go themselves? You need to keep away from this idiot.

A caution? Is that all he got? You'd think it would go to court over something that serious! Then the local press would have been there and it would have been reported in your local paper.

Letting her know could quite easily lead to HER getting a beating - this man is a violent woman-hating bully. Stay well out of it and concentrate on erasing him, start setting yourself free..

Yep. Only a caution. The old bill warned me that pressing charges might result in something less than that if he denied it. First offence (that they no if anyway). He ended up semi admitting it and I was obviously marked and bruised, so a caution was the compromise. And a non-mol hopefully.

He's not been near my house and is not allowed. Has given back his key. House rented only in my name. Never married. Finances were always separate (thank god as he's £30k in debt). So many small mercies. The DC's are all school aged, so are able to run from my car to his door (with their bags) and the back from his door to my car before and after contact times. His mum is always there supervising and waves from the door. He's banned from WhatsApp (police advice so he can't see when I'm online) and I've come off social media. We have brief text message contact about the kids. But he veers off on tangents sometimes. I don't respond.

So different from two weeks ago. I feel freer but the kids are agitated. I worry about them and hope they'll forgive me for this. I haven't told them what he did, only that our friendship wasn't a happy one at the moment so we were staying away from each other for now. What they don't realise is that it'll be forever. I tried to stay amicable for their sake I really did (even though I could barely tolerate him) but he just made it impossible. Such a nasty guy. Give him an inch and he'll take many miles - and then give you grief instead of gratitude for your troubles...

What if he marries her to gets on her mortgage and then leaves with half?! Everything she's ever worked for. Aaaaaargh!

A caution is a conviction. He admitted the offence and got a caution rather than go to court. But it is still part of a criminal record and can be disclosed.

Speak to victim support who will help you with the non-molestation order and disclosure.

Then have nothing more to do with him. Don’t let him in you home or life.

I think you should call women’s aid for advice in regards to your ex. They hopefully will help in regards to getting a non molestation order and an occupation order against him.

You need to detach. You need to become to a place where you cope without any financial or after school care from him, as he’s using it to continue his abuse and control. I would also change job if l could, because how can you trust that his friend isn’t relaying info to him?

BTW, he only talks about custody because he knows this is your worst fear. He doesn’t want it.

It always boils my blood when people say 'keep out of it'. To do nothing is unforgivable. It is to me like the bystander affect. You don't want to get involved so just stand back and let the person get hurt. That is unforgivable and unconscionable. You have a duty as a woman to warn her as not only is her HEALTH at risk (HIV-AIDS, Hep, STDs etc), but he could physically hurt her. Then there is the mortgage.

Any woman who sees this happening but does nothing is scum imo. Absolute scum. It is not only a moral duty to sisterhood, but a moral human being duty. People 'not getting involved' is how people get hurt, how children get hurt, how lives get destroyed. How people get bashed and raped. The Kitty Genovese effect. Time us women (and men, if circumstances allow) stopped being such cowardly selfish arseholes and actually did the right thing even if uncomfortable at the time. How could you live with yourself if you didn't forewarn her? I couldn't if it were me, and reverse the situation; if you were her, would you rather know now, so you could protect yourself, even if you didn't truly believe his ex, at least it would be in the back of your mind so you could be on the look out for warning signs.

Please, please ignore the PPs (who call themselves women!!) and tell her. She needs to know, and has the right to know. If you have documents, emails, police reports etc as proof, all the better.