Help me not to contact exP's new GF

[despairingagain]

Name changed. Penis beaker, blah, blah, blah...

Long story short; exDP was arrested 2 weeks ago for beating me up. Several closed hand punched to the face and body, hair pulling, smashing my head repeatedly off a wall and holding a small blade to my throat (he cut my forehead with it by mistake). He was held for 10 hours and then released with a formal caution for ABH. I am currently trying to decide if I can afford the financial contribution needed for legal aid to issue a non-molestation order against him. I probably can't...

We have 3 kids together and split up 3.5 years ago after 12.5 year relationship, I asked him to leave but for once he didn't fight for it so that was that. A seemingly mutual agreement. Only he never really properly moved on. We both started casually seeing other people and he went about drinking and getting high on cocaine and seeing his kids whenever he bloody felt like it. At my place as he had no base. He has had 14 jobs in 6 years so no security and child maintenance has been extremely patchy to put it kindly. He was physically abusive to me in the past years before this incident and has remained emotionally abusive and controlling of me ever since we split. I let him away with too much as he threatened to get me fired (my boss is his mate) and I needed his help with childcare (which he also threatened to take away). There were threats over getting full custody of the kids as well.

He still has no place if his own and has bounced between mine, his mums and a woman he was seeing up until a couple of months ago. He has been seeing this woman for over 3 years (but was certainly putting the ground work in before we split)! He has cheated on her over 30 times - sometimes unprotected (I know this through him bragging to his mates who told me and then him admitting it later). He has also laughed about using her wealth to get a mortgage. Awful, vile behaviour. Knocks me sick.

His GF left him in October (he was barely bothering to see her once a week). He also had 4 months unemployed up until last week and had been sponging off me. To top it off, he caught crotch rot (lol) kind of like athletes foot round the groin I think, which wouldn't shift. So he was pretty fed up. But so was I with his grim treatment of me, the kids and everyone around him. I asked him to leave my house again (calmly) a fortnight ago and in response he beat the shit out of me.

I'm okay. No permanent damage. And thankfully all the kids were out of the house at school when this happened. But it's been awful since. The kids are suffering with the new dynamic and he's been staying at his mums, alternating between feeling sorry for himself and trying to apologise. Thus far he's kept away from me and this house and the kids visits are being supervised by his mum for now.

I found out tonight that he's asked his ex girlfriend out to dinner on Sunday. I was worried this might happen; I knew he wasn't going to want to stay long at his parents, so he's going to try and butter her up so he can sponge off her instead...🤦🏼‍♀️ I feel awful for the girl. She's not in full possession of the facts about this arsehole and the thought of him using her, maybe getting on her mortgage and ripping her off or infecting her with STD's or just generally wrecking her life like he has mine and the kids - well I just can't bear it.

I'm trying to decide how much of me wanting to tell her is honourable (a lot is) and how much is me just trying to put a spanner in the works of his nasty plans because I hate the scumbag so much. There's a bit of both for sure.

What should I do? I'm torn...

Agree with PP. Women's Aid. Freedom Programme.

I would move away. Save some money up and move away. Get a new job. You're getting absolutely nothing from this deadbeat violent loser other than used. Don't get mad and tell him or your boss you're moving either.

I hope you haven't been sleeping with crotch rot?

Abusers talk a lot of crap and make a lot of threats but he'll need money to take you to court for anything.

Salem, Op was beaten by this man only a fortnight ago, and has been unable to extricate herself from his mayhem despite their break up over three years ago. When there's trouble on an airplane, people are supposed to put their own oxygen mask on first before helping others. He's the out of control airplane. She has dc and her own life to think about, that he's already spoiled for years, she needs to actually get out herself, not put herself back into it. She's still far too invested in everything he does and could easily get pulled back in.

This other woman is his ex-girlfriend, she's not fresh off the boat. In three years and at least one breakup with him, how much of what op has to tell her is actually going to be new to her? I'm all for solidarity, but in this case, op is too close to it all and needs to escape him herself first.

Slept on it and if anything feel even more confused. Really in two minds still. Think I will definitely speak to someone professional for some advice.

I really would feel like absolute scum if I didn't say anything. The bystander effect is exactly it. What I tell her (if I do) may not prevent her from being hurt - she may choose to ignore me (at least at first). But at least I'll have done the right thing. And hopefully it will plant enough of a seed of doubt that she'll know what red flags to look out for. It may help protect her eventually, if not straight away. And I'll be able to sleep at night.

Selfishly, however, I am scared of the repercussions on me and the kids. Not even necessarily fearing violence. Just years of long, drawn out hatred and mind games. Maybe using the kids as a pawn.

It really does boil down to saving myself and the children (which I sort of already have) or saving her. Obviously my own family comes first. I just have to decide if I can live with the fact that I'm "letting" this woman walk into hell blindfolded, when I have the opportunity to "give her sight", so to speak. I wish someone had warned me but we got together as teens - I'm clearly the first victim...

Would I have listened? Maybe not straight away but certainly I might have got away sooner than I did.

Not wanting to drip feed but I was gang raped at 15. I reported them to the police who wanted to proceed but I had a breakdown and couldn't go through with pressing charges. I had a rough old childhood and didn't have the support network in place and I knew it. Not long after I dropped the charges, the scumbags who did me over, raped another girl on her 17th birthday. They got done that time (which vindicated me amongst the people who hadn't believed me at first) but I have NEVER forgiven myself for not pressing charges. She went through that because I was too weak. So I guess you could say that this incident is colouring my decision.

I have also been trying to get a new job (that doesn't need me to rely on him for childcare) for easily a year now, with no success. My boss is lovely but they are good friends and I have found out more than I ever would have wanted to know about my exP, from him. Boss was extremely worried about exP's cocaine usage (and even alluded to him trying to deal). Asked me to try and get him help, as apparently exP had told boss that I was the "only person that has my back" (Jesus)! 🤦🏼‍♀️😂 When confronted he admitted it but downplayed it and then got angry, asking how I knew. I blagged my way out of that one.

So yes, my boss stirring (even unintentionally) and me getting a new job is my highest priority and has been for some time. But I haven't been given a shot yet and I can't make myself unemployed, that would be even worse.

I do have a childminder until 6pm but sometimes I have to work until 9pm, so in the past it has been easier for exP to collect the kids at 6pm, and then walk the kids to my house (I'm 2 roads away from childminder, exP is 4 miles away) and put them to bed. Better for the kids if he had done that and respected boundaries by fucking off home afterwards. But he would "be asleep" on the couch by the time I got in around 9:45/10pm. And use that as an excuse to stay over. So now his mum has to pick the kids up from the childminder and I have to grab them from hers and drive home. Kids aren't getting to bed until 10pm some nights, which is not good for them. All because their dad couldn't behave decently.

It's a real mess and I don't know what to do. I'd like to move house too, but not too far as the kids are all so happy and thriving in school I don't want to take them away from where they're settled unless we're in immediate danger.

Oh darling - what happened to the other girl was not your fault. You feeling like you couldn't go through with pressing charges is not something you should feel bad about; it's a damning indictment of how our society treats victims of sexual violence and children who have troubled home lives and need additional support.

You have done exactly the right thing in reporting it to the police. If you can, please try to pursue the legal aid and get the non-mol order.

In terms of telling the GF, I would. I know the general advice is not to get involved but your desire to tell her is genuinely motivated by concern. At least if she knows and decides to do nothing, then she's going into it with her eyes open. I would let your sister get in touch with her - and also point out that he's under a caution from the Police, so there is the option for her to ask for a Clare's Law disclosure if she wants to verify what she is being told.

OP, you were a teenager, a survivor, have a little compassion for that girl you were. It's all on the rapists, not you.

You can't police all of his future relationships unfortunately.

There is also the danger that he will become violent towards you if he found out. It is a hard one :(

Please find the money to take this as far as possible. You'll regret it forever if you don't. I'm speaking from years of experience. It took us so long and 5 trips to court to finally break free. A bit of expense now could save you 1000s down the line.

Think about how you would feel if you find out later that something bad happened to her and you hadn’t told her.

Would you feel ok with the decision not to tell her then?

Thing is, the ex-girlfriend has been with him on and off for 3 yrs, it's unlikely most of what op can tell her is going to be new information. And whose likely reaction is to speak to the man about what she's told.

I find it worrying people are guilting the op, who was beaten up by him only a fortnight ago, held a blade to her throat ffs, whose life is still very much mixed up with him, and who has not yet been able to put legal measures in place against him, to make an antagonistic move against him at this point.

She needs to be safe herself first.

I warned my abusive exes new girlfriend by posting my brief account of being abused on the motherload website where she is a very active member. I was basically saying that it can happen to anyone and how it took me a long time to believe/admit it. Also who helped me leave. (Mumsnet, the Lundy book and woman's aid). She has blocked me so has clearly seen it but must not believe it as she is still with him. I feel like I've warned her so my conscience is clear and I'm just going to try and not know about his life (hard as we share a child). I don't think you understand it unless you are in it. I don't want him back at all but the thought of him doing the same to another woman is unbearable and so preventable if women were actually a sisterhood and looked out for each other. Unfortunately some women (and I was one myself) are so blinded by love they'll overlook anything and believe stuff that doesn't ring true.