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Original poster

His ex wants to give me advice about him...

48 replies

Fireandfury1 · 04/12/2018 15:28

She is very sweet but they had a volatile relationship many years ago. She was pretty aggressive, quite shockingly so. He didn't cheat - she did in the end - but they made each other feel very insecure. She and I have a lot in common. In a different world, we might have been friends.

She asked me to meet for a drink. He was upset by this and asked me not to. I respected his wishes. She said she understood, but repeatedly told me to be careful and to take care of myself.

He's not a cheat. He seems loyal and committed and has put in place a number of changes, saying he has learned a lot from previous relationships. He did rush things a bit at the start, but we talked and it has slowed to a comfortable level.

Would you still meet her? I am curious as to what she meant. I've been open with him about it. He says she doesn't mean to cause trouble, but that she will.

OP posts:
fanfan18 · 04/12/2018 15:30

Do you know for sure all things she did or is it only what he has told you?

i.e. were you friends with either them before meeting him?

I'd be skeptical

funnylittlefloozie · 04/12/2018 15:32

Personally, i wouldnt listen to either of them blindly. I would listen to whatever she wants to say, and make my own decisions. I suspect you REALLY wont like what you hear though, especially if your boyfriend doesnt like the idea.

Onestep2 · 04/12/2018 15:33

Nope absolutly not. Don't even open that door.

I would just politely decline. If you were to meet with her anything she would say youd have to take with a pinch of salt.

I once met DH ex (DSD mum) in the pub and she was telling all sorts about their relationship Which ended 4 years prior to me n DH meeting. Everything she told me had fuck all to do with me.

People are ex's for a reason. Of course she will have a tainted view on him

If he is not violent towards you and there's no read flags from him I would 100% steer clear.

Jjbay · 04/12/2018 15:37

I must admit I wish I had of met with my ex’s ex when she asked she would have saved me a lot of trouble that I didn’t know I was about to go through! When I bumped in to her a few months later we got chatting and everything that happened is what she wanted to warn me about. It was quite a while ago now and I was late teens early 20s. However wether I’d of listened or not back then is a different matter.

HollowTalk · 04/12/2018 15:39

I would want to hear her side of the story. It's unusual for a woman to want to talk to the new partner, and I'd wonder whether there was something I really needed to hear.

You might find that her "shocking aggression" isn't exactly how he portrayed it.

PinkHeart5914 · 04/12/2018 15:39

Always three sides, his, hers and then you have the truth.

I think for many people when a relationship ends they do truly believe there version but most times it wasn’t quite like that.

Your happy with him that’s all that matters. No I wouldn’t be meeting her she needs to let it go

HollowTalk · 04/12/2018 15:39

But I would tell him I was seeing her - I wouldn't keep it a secret.

Patriciathestripper1 · 04/12/2018 15:40

Don’t meet her or give her the time of day. She has an ulterior motive otherwise she wouldnt be interested in you or him and would have moved on, she could tell you any old crap and put things in your head about him that may never be a problem for you and your partner.

Some people just bring out the worse in others. How would you like an ex palling up to your new bloke and telling him all the bad points you ever had?? She is an ex from the last so let her stay in the past.

MadeForThis · 04/12/2018 15:40

Would you believe what she said? Or change anything?

Weezol · 04/12/2018 15:41

but repeatedly told me to be careful and to take care of myself.

How's his temper OP?

Ethel80 · 04/12/2018 15:45

I think I probably would meet her. She could have ulterior motives or she could feel strongly that she wants to warn you about something.

I really hate the way we women often write the previous partner off as bad or mad because we've blindly accepted what our partners have told us.

Musti · 04/12/2018 15:47

The problem is that she may say done things that aren't true or not relevant to you and it may colour your view of him. But she may also warn you and save you a lot of heartache.

The guy I'm seeing was a womanizer in his youth but faithful in his last long term relationship. People are different with different people and they can change.

ffffffffsake · 04/12/2018 15:48

I would talk to her, personally. I wish I'd known about my ex's new gf before he raped and beat her. I would have tried to say something.

She could be a bullshitter. But you might just find that some of what she says rings true. If she's so sweet and wants you to take care, there's a possibility that his description of "shocking aggression" is damage control for what you might hear.

HJWT · 04/12/2018 15:48

Don't do it !! I'd hate to know what my DH ex would have to say about it! It would be horrible words ands he's nothing like what she would describe they had a bad relationship so obviously he wasn't great because neither was she....

SumitosIsMyWall · 04/12/2018 15:51

That he's admitted they had a volatile relationship and now he doesn't want you meeting with her suggests that he may have been party to violent outbursts himself.

I'd want to hear what she has to say for myself, or failing that I'd be contacting the police to check if there's anything they need to disclose about his history.

If you do meet though, make it somewhere public that you feel safe and where you're happy you can seek help just in case she's the one you need to be wary of.

girlwithadragontattoo · 04/12/2018 15:52

She might be trying to warn you. All you heard is what he's had to say. Did she really cheat or is that what he said?
You've got nothing to lose by listening to her, if at the end of it you think it's crap then fine. I'm sure there are plenty of people that wish someone had warned them about an ex

Original poster
Fireandfury1 · 04/12/2018 15:53

Wow! Thank you for speedy responses.

fanfan18 Some of it was common knowledge at the time, some of it I think was her reaction to his behaviours. Yes I did know them both, but not very well. I remember some of the things he told me about her once when I chatted to him years and years ago, after they had split for some time, and the facts are consistent.

He puts his hands up and says - takes two to tango, he was at fault and also made mistakes (in communication) but they have both learnt from the experience; which I believe to be true.

funnylittlefloozie Tue 04-Dec-18 15:32:42
Personally, i wouldnt listen to either of them blindly. I would listen to whatever she wants to say, and make my own decisions

So far I have been doing this but it feels disloyal to him if I meet her by myself. I can't imagine that she has anything nice to say, and even if I didn't want to believe anything, it would be difficult to ignore. I think about the stuff I say about my own ex-h and other exes....people can grow and be different, especially from where they were 25 years ago...

Onestep2 This was my instinct, to not open the door. I suggested we all meet together sometime with the DCs too. Then stuff is open and we can share info. She is quite a critical person, so that can come out.

He is vv lovely to me, never violent, no cross words but I can imagine he would have provoked her anger.

HollowTalk Agree it is unusual to hear this! I think maybe she is picking up on us potentially being friends...but also they have an unusual set up. I wish I could share more, but it is outing! They have DCs in common so do still interact because of them - I have no reason to find this problematic. Whilst it crossed my mind that maybe she wants to address the balance about the aggression, they are still 'friends' in the loose sense of the word, so I don't think she has any reason to feel that.

PinkHeart5914 Tue 04-Dec-18 15:39:09
Always three sides, his, hers and then you have the truth. This is an interesting take.

He told me something independently before this (unrelated), which made me think she needs to let some things go, and that maybe she is trying to keep control.

HollowTalk Yes, I wouldn't keep secrets from him.

Hmmm ok then. Thinking that I will leave it.

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 04/12/2018 15:56

How long have you been with him ?
I'd be concerned that he was abusive and that you're in the honeymoon period. I'd meet her just to see if she has any serious accusations about him.

Original poster
Fireandfury1 · 04/12/2018 16:01

Just to emphasise he has never, ever shown any indication of any violence himself, not to me, or any other gf or any kids. He is very docile. That, in itself, could be anger-provoking (I have been the angry gf myself in a previous relationship) and the ex is known for being fierce! She admits herself that she cheated - she is now married to that man and has dcs. The older dcs (she has with him) laugh that their mother is feisty and quite a character. So I do believe what is told as it is so 'open'. I haven't yet met them together but they sound pretty open about stuff, I see the texts and family chats etc.

OP posts:
beenandgoneandbackagain · 04/12/2018 16:04

I would contact the police under Sarah's law and see what they say. It is unusual, but it would be better to get something from a neutral contributor.

SittingAround1 · 04/12/2018 16:04

Well maybe leave it for the moment then. You can always contact her at a later date if you have any concerns about him and his behaviour.

She might be wanting to check you out as well as you could potentially be a step mother to her children.

Mitzimaybe · 04/12/2018 16:05

I'd definitely want to hear what she has to say.

Original poster
Fireandfury1 · 04/12/2018 16:06

Meant to add - we've been together for about 7 months but I;ve known him for years. He's a very proud person, but not a violent one. I think that's maybe a red herring... Suspect she would tell me to guard my finances, but we are separate anyway, and I don't have any fear of being abused by him financially, or anything like that.

This is v helpful to me. It has highlighted the growth that occurs in relationships, especially during dcs. I'm sure I was horrific with my exh sometimes, would hate for any boyfriend to be told that! On that basis, I decided to say no, but must admit to being curious! Maybe some things are best left unsaid.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 04/12/2018 16:12

That he's admitted they had a volatile relationship and now he doesn't want you meeting with her suggests that he may have been party to violent outbursts himself.

My previous relationship was volatile and I wouldn’t want my husband to meet up with my ex to talk about me! I’d be annoyed if my husband entertained the idea of hearing my ex’s side.

I know my husband would tell my ex to fuck off if he even suggested thankfully.

RomanyRoots · 04/12/2018 16:13

I'd see him not wanting us to speak to each other as a huge red flag.
If he has nothing to hide, then it shouldn't matter.
It sounds like she has a warning for you, maybe he was the violent one.
What sort of changes has he put in place? Why did he have to change?
I think you'd be mad to carry on regardless, do you have children to protect?