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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

His ex wants to give me advice about him...

48 replies

Fireandfury1 · 04/12/2018 15:28

She is very sweet but they had a volatile relationship many years ago. She was pretty aggressive, quite shockingly so. He didn't cheat - she did in the end - but they made each other feel very insecure. She and I have a lot in common. In a different world, we might have been friends.

She asked me to meet for a drink. He was upset by this and asked me not to. I respected his wishes. She said she understood, but repeatedly told me to be careful and to take care of myself.

He's not a cheat. He seems loyal and committed and has put in place a number of changes, saying he has learned a lot from previous relationships. He did rush things a bit at the start, but we talked and it has slowed to a comfortable level.

Would you still meet her? I am curious as to what she meant. I've been open with him about it. He says she doesn't mean to cause trouble, but that she will.

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 04/12/2018 16:16

I'd see him not wanting us to speak to each other as a huge red flag.
If he has nothing to hide, then it shouldn't matter.

Absolutely not! Who would want their ex to meet their new partner to gossip about them?

No one is going to want a special meeting to say anything nice.

Going would show a huge lack of respect and trust for a partner.

Original poster

Fireandfury1 · 04/12/2018 17:36

Thank you Heckypeck I was in a volatile relationship once, too, and the thought of my partner meeting that ex is I was so young and changed v much. I think you're right, she is hardly going to say anything pleasant, and it would be disrespectful to bf if I went as I wouldn't hide it from him. He gently suggested that if she and I want to be friends, we can meet up in our family groups and I agree.

RomanyRoots I doubt he has much to hide - surely it would all come out in the open when we all met together anyway! I don't think he has ever been violent. He is even shocked by shouting sometimes, he's just not that sort of person. He works with in an area where DBS and police history are checked v carefully, I have no reason to doubt him.

The changes were around normal things that happen once a relationship becomes exclusive: how often we text, setting boundaries, contact with exes, etc. We needed to discuss as we both have DCs with previous partners. I think we have reached a good level of communication and understanding.

OP posts:

bumbother · 04/12/2018 17:46

I'm not sure I understand. Do they have kids together? How long ago was it that they were a couple?

Original poster

Fireandfury1 · 04/12/2018 18:23

Yes, and it was approx 20 yrs ago

OP posts:

Pebblesandfriends · 04/12/2018 18:27

I would. Just hear her out and then go away and think about what she says. It may raise red flags it may not. If needs be you can do some digging or get him checked out, or if it's just her being a bit psycho then at least you know. If he has nothing to hide he shouldn't be bothered.

SandyY2K · 04/12/2018 18:46

I would be curious why she'd want to talk to you... she's married...had kids ...not like she wants him back...so no jealousy from the sound of things.

bumbother · 04/12/2018 18:51

I think if it's 20 years since they were together, I'd give it a miss. Do the Claire's Law thing if she's got you concerned, but doesn't sound to me like you are?

WingingItStill · 04/12/2018 19:05

I wish I could speak to my ex’s new girlfriend.

I would warn her off getting in too deep too quickly which is what happened to me.

I realise now he is doing to her what he did to me - total love bombing!

Although I won’t get in touch as I’m obviously “the crazy ex” which is what he said about the one before me. I know if she had contacted me I wouldn’t have listened to her but in hindsight, I wish I had.

MaMisled · 04/12/2018 19:13

I ignored DHs ex when she told me a barrage of vile stuff about him 17 years ago. Im so glad i didn't take any notice!

shesaysgoes · 04/12/2018 19:29

I actually became friendly with my ex partners ex wife.

She told me all about him, some of it I knew, some I didn't. I wasn't going to base my future relationship decision purely on what she told me. I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt, he was a changed person.

Nope, it transpired he is exactly as she warned. She actually indirectly saved me from a future of hell.

shesaysgoes · 04/12/2018 19:31

I would love to speak with his new girlfriend, just give her a gentle heads up.

However as she is the one he cheated on me with, she can go to hell and find out the hard way! Not bitter

abbey44 · 04/12/2018 19:40

I've been on the other side of this, in that three of my XH's subsequent partners have contacted me to ask if I'd experienced x, y and z with him (he was a piece of work in oh so many ways...) and I had to confess that I had. I got on well with them all, we seemed to bond through having survived being with him, and all of them said to me that I was absolutely nothing like the XW he'd portrayed me as. His version was that I was mad, unhinged, volatile and a complete cow - as quite a lot of XWs seem to be - and they all said they wished I'd warned them in advance.

So, I'd say perhaps meet with her, see what she has to say and make your own mind up. Some men can be on their best behaviour for a while before they show their true colours.

Kennycalmit · 04/12/2018 20:13

You’ve been together for 7 months. Yes you knew him before hand, but knowing someone as a friend is different to knowing someone as a partner.

Personally I’d meet her. If he doesn’t like it - ask him why. If he’s got nothing to hide then he has nothing to worry about.
They broke up years ago so it isn’t as if she’s still waiting around for him and you’re the rebound relationship.

I’d meet her and hear her out. Take everything they both say with a pinch of salt

Stickmanslittleleaf · 04/12/2018 20:18

I'd not meet up with her, but I would reply to her message and say that it sounds like she's alluding to something and that if she has something to tell you to please let you know what without being so bloody cryptic. In a polite way but with the message being 'if you have something to say say it!' If she's warning you and is so concerned that she'd go out of her way to contact you she can tell you without the ball being in her court, cua a phone call or private message.

Cawfee · 04/12/2018 20:20

I was the ex in this scenario (never married though). She had friends that I knew so we got to talking. He went mental and forbid her from talking to me. Shame because she did marry him and it did go bad. Really really bad and cost her a lot. I could have saved her from that. She was a nice person and deserved better than him and his weird ways. Personally I’d meet her and tell him to go to fuck trying to dictate who you can and can’t talk to.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/12/2018 20:33

Tell her to Piss off, and block her, she sounds like a controlling idiot , she needs to move the hell on

Original poster

Fireandfury1 · 04/12/2018 20:36

Thanks again for extra posts...

We talked at length about whether I should/not meet. He was open to hearing my thoughts. A while back, I (independently) observed her inadvertently cut short a friendship of his, and she was critical about him to his other friends about him. I can see his point when he says that he feels it might open a particular door. I can understand this.

SandyY2K Tue 04-Dec-18 18:46:05
I would be curious why she'd want to talk to you... she's married...had kids ...not like she wants him back...so no jealousy from the sound of things.

I don't think she means to be, but I wonder if she is resentful of how he moved on then, and has moved on yet again. Obviously there is a lot of history since they were together, but I think she is annoyed that he got on and landed on his feet. Obviously there are two sides to every story, but he is still friends with her family, so I don't think he could have been all that bad. She has never once been "the crazy ex" in his eyes, although she might have been considered so if she were posting on here.

Kennycalmit Tue 04-Dec-18 20:13:03
You’ve been together for 7 months. Yes you knew him before hand, but knowing someone as a friend is different to knowing someone as a partner

This is true. He has also changed in those months with me. The relationship has evolved.

Personally I’d meet her. If he doesn’t like it - ask him why. If he’s got nothing to hide then he has nothing to worry about.

He already explained as per above - that may well try to sabotage, even though she doesn't mean to. He is annoyed that she was critical about him before, and he thinks she would be like that to me (which I think is spot on).

Ok. Decision definitely made!

OP posts:

msnowtybach · 04/12/2018 20:38

I'd listen, but go with caution as to her intentions.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/12/2018 20:44

How would you feel about Him meeting up with YOUR Ex ?

Blackness78 · 04/12/2018 20:52

I'd rather listen to her, and it be nothing, than to not listen to her, and it be something.

BitOfANameChange · 04/12/2018 21:30

I'm actually friends with my ex's ExW. While I was still in a relationship with ex, it was tacitly agreed we didn't talk about our respective relationships, but since I left...... Well, it's now clear this particular leopard didn't change his spots.

Racmactac · 04/12/2018 21:41

I wish I had spoken to and listened to my exes ex. Everything she said is very true. He is manipulative nasty cocklodge and he has shown his true colours since we split.

HeckyPeck · 05/12/2018 21:24

Personally I’d meet her. If he doesn’t like it - ask him why. If he’s got nothing to hide then he has nothing to worry about.

I don’t have anything to hide and I wouldn’t want my DH meeting up with me ex to listen to his biased view of me. I’d be really annoyed that my DH didn’t trust his own judgment or me and would be willing to entertain my knob of an ex.

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