Jealousy

[Rowallen]

Hello, I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with jealousy ?
My husband travels with work so is away most weeks and home at the weekends. Since October he has been working internationally so he has only made a couple of trips home. He is working in a small group with two other men and two women.
On the weekend before last he went on a day trip with one of the women, they watched a sporting event, had dinner and drinks in a bar and then drove home in the evening.
Last weekend he was going shopping and asked her if she wanted a lift, when they got to the shopping outlet they went their separate ways and met up again for lunch. During the trip she asked him to go to a shop with her and advise on some winter coats.
I love my husband to pieces and I believe him when he tells me he has never been unfaithful. However, when I imagine them out shopping together and enjoying lunch in the sun, I just felt such a surge of jealousy - the coat thing sent me over the age, surely just ask a shop assistant for advice. I felt so jealous that another woman was getting his attention and being able to spend time with him.
I told my husband I was jealous about this situation and I realize it doesn't make me very attractive. He said there was absolutely nothing going on and I was being paranoid. He felt that I would only be happy if he never spent any time alone socially with a female colleague again, but I never asked him to do this and know it is a completely unrealistic expectation when you are far from home.
I asked him to try and see it from my perspective but he said if it were the other way round he would not feel jealous as he trusts me. I think everybody is capable of having affairs no matter how they may have said they never would, affairs often happen because the opportunity presents itself.
I know I need to deal with this jealousy but just don't know where to start with it all.

I agree with you with regards to opportunities presenting themselves. However, some men and women go out of their way to avoid such situations or make it clear they are unavailable.
You did the right thing to talk to your dh. It would of been more reassuring to you though if he had actually reassured you rather than say you are paranoid and abuse of of being unreasonable. Perhaps he’s enjoying the attention. If he’s away from home a lot, maybe he’s missing the attention or belonging somewhere. I wouldn’t want to ask another bloke his opinion on a coat. I’d either ask my husband, or judge myself.
I’m sure nothing has happened or going to, and that it’s nothing more than an ego boost (although I still would feel the same as you). It must be rubbish travelling a lot, hotels, meetings etc, so maybe he’s just enjoying the company. Maybe acknowledge this to him. X

Thank you Ozziewozzie, I'm glad he has company and he has never tried to hide any of these outings from me. I know it seems so trivial but asking for advice on buying something just seemed to reflect a kind of cosy familiarity that took me by surprise.

I asked him to try and see it from my perspective but he said if it were the other way round he would not feel jealous as he trusts me.

Yes, my cheating ex said this about his 'friend' too. You've voiced your concern and I hope that he is being honest. Just be mindful that whilst it may be a jealous moment, telling the other half that they are paranoid is not reassuring at all. Sorry, having been told the same thing by my long term ex-partner which I had never had cause to be suspicious of until last year (when it all started with his OW)...I am very cynical. Does he take you shopping for lunch and clothes?

He felt that I would only be happy if he never spent any time alone socially with a female colleague again, but I never asked him to do this and know it is a completely unrealistic expectation when you are far from home.

But really you'd like to ask him to do this right? Just you know you're being unreasonable/jealous so you aren't saying the actual words but the message is coming over loud and clear. Is that the case?

Why are you feeling threatened by him spending time with female colleagues when he's away? Would you feel the same if it was a male colleague? I'm assuming not. He's your husband. He's made a commitment to you. If he's going to turn out to be a cheater, he doesn't have to go away with work to cheat.

There isn't an increased risk of cheating just because he's away and he's with female colleagues. I write this as someone who is often away with work and who IS the female colleague. It's usually me away with a male colleague (often my male boss) or with a group of male colleagues. Trust me, I have no interest in your man. Yes, we go out for dinner and drinks, yes we may even go shopping together but there's nothing going on. Just people who are working away from home making the best of what can often be a tough existence. Some of the men have become my friends. Some of them will just stay colleagues who to be honest I would rather not have to spend my evenings or weekends with as spending time during the working day with them can be bad enough!

HundredMilesAnHour you are right, most of the time nothing goes on but in my husband's company I know of several situations where marriages have ended due to affairs between colleagues, I would be naive to believe it never happens.
Yes I am being very jealous and I am ashamed of it. As i said I never asked him to not spend time alone with female colleagues but i thought it would be best to let him know how it felt. I was not accusing him of being unfaithful just letting him know it had upset me.
In many years of him travelling this is only the second time I have been upset about a situation like this.

Pinkmonkeybird I'm really sorry to hear that x

I feel bad for you OP as it sounds like both you and your husband have a good relationship but you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation. I'm not sure what we can say to make you feel better. I think you just have to believe that your relationship is strong and make sure that you make the most of the time you are both together to keep that strength.

Yes people have affairs/flings at work. But I will repeat my earlier point that they don't need to travel to do that. I know quite a few who have never even left the office building but have managed to 'get it on'. Nasty but true. Travel together can change the relationships between colleagues, of course it can, that's often the point (as this can benefit the employer). It brings people closer as they get to know each other much better than they might do otherwise (whether they want to or not!) so it's hardly surprising they end up with that 'cosy familiarity' as you refer to it. Sometimes when I travel I am with my (male) boss or colleagues for up to 18-19 hours/day, every day for a week or longer. We have breakfast together, we work together all day (possibly locked in the same small meeting room so the only escape is going to the toilet), we go straight out to dinner/drinks from the office. In some places, even our hotel rooms have been next door to each other so you hear them coughing, flushing the loo, having a shower etc. It can be tough to spend that much time with someone. I'd want to kill most of my friends if we were together all the time like that. So it makes a massive difference if you get on with the person/people you're travelling with and you will tend to become close. But be aware that non-work conversations are mostly people talking about how much they miss their other half, their kids, their pets, their hobbies, their house etc. It's not some work travel party where home is forgotten and everyone thinks they're young, free and single. Most of us are just looking forward to getting that flight back so we can have a glass of wine and a sleep and forget about work for a while so we can get home and see our loved ones.

Some posters will say work travel increased the opportunity of cheating but I disagree with that. A wannabe cheat or someone too easily tempted will find a way. Look at all the threads on here where the DH/DP is cheating from the comfort of the bathroom on his mobile phone. Insisting partners don't ever leave the house isn't enough to prevent them cheating.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion, it’s how you deal with it that matters.

I think you need to decide on what you would and wouldn’t be happy with when your husband is away (and then see if he agrees or thinks you’re being unreasonable) as atm you’re giving him mixed signals, you’re unhappy he went for dinner and drinks and shopping with this coworker but at the same time, you say you don’t expect him not to spend time alone with female coworkers. When he said ‘I feel like you’ll only be happy if I don’t spend time alone with them’ that was your chance to be honest and actually say so if it’s true. Instead you’ve said no, I’m fine for you to do that, but also I’m upset and annoyed you did it. In his shoes I wouldn’t know where I stood.

Every couple has its own set of boundaries when it comes to how they respect the relationship/mix with others. You don’t seem to know what you would and wouldn’t be happy with so how could he? Reading between the lines I get the sense you actually would prefer for him not to go out alone with female coworkers but you don’t feel able to request that as you’ll seem jealous, is that right?

A good barometer is whether he does the same with his coworkers of both genders, would he or does he eat alone with a male coworker, go shopping with him etc? If so I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

I kinda wonder if this is more of a reflection on how you feel in the relationship, do you feel cherished and respected and loved? Does he take you out for dinner and drinks and shopping? If you felt secure in your marriage I don’t think this would bother you as much.

What was the previous time that something bothered you? What happened then?

I do kinda get your point re coat shopping tbh, it seems quite intimate for her to be trying clothes on while he watches and seeking his opinion and assumedly buying something he thinks looks good on here. But maybe they’re friends, not just coworkers. Then it wouldn’t be so weird.

Hundredmilesanhour my husband feels the same as I think you do, that your are either a cheater or not. He says he is not a cheater and i believe him. However, I just cant get out of my head that you can't help who you develop feelings for - even if you don't act on them, it could happen to me from the comfort of my home or my husband in a hotel thousands of miles away. I have really let myself and him down by getting so upset. I've ordered a book on jealousy and maybe I need to go and speak to someone too. Thanks for your kind words, I realise it's not all fun and games and tell him all the time that I appreciate his hard work so we can all have a nice life. It sounds like you work in a similar industry to my husband.

Fearloveandthetimemachine being brutally honest in an ideal world yes I would prefer it if he didn't do such things alone with a female colleague. However, I can't expect him to do that which is why I would rather deal with the jealousy and learn not to feel this way.

In the previous situation my husband was having dinner with a colleague on occassion and i just felt threatened. She went on to have an affair with a senior colleague.

I know my husband loves me but I do feel insecure. He's not the best at communicating so rarely ever compliments me. This probably seems trivial to many people but as a result i have always worried that he doesn't really fancy me. I make an effort, I am slim, attractive, dress well and exercise but he very rarely every compliments me. I think he is gorgeous and tell him so.

But maybe they’re friends, not just coworkers. Then it wouldn’t be so weird

I would say they've become, or are becoming friends -- is that fair to say? I met my male best friend at work, and we're very close, and do things together out of work these days too.

I'd be jealous of anyone who had my other half for more of their spare time than I did... perhaps that's unreasonable. Does he plan to do this kind of work forever? I think I'd become resentful of holding down the fort while he wines and dines with other free people.

Conventicle Female friends of my husband tend to be wives of male friends, generally his friends are male. (though reading back through this I wouldn't blame someone for thinking he is probably terrified of having a female friend ) it would be unusual for him to make female close friends, females he was close to at university he was also romantically linked to.

ffffffsake Not forever, for the next five years at least, I can't complain as I was happy for him to take on the job and we have a very nice life because of it. He enjoys his job so i cant take that away from him because I get jealous when he spends time alone with females.

Would you feel better if you'd met his female colleague(s)? Is that an option?

I have male friends that I have met through work and inevitably I become friends with their wives/partners in the majority of cases. They see I am not a threat to their relationship. I'm just a friend, a friend who often gives their men a much tougher time than they do. With some of them I contact the wives rather the husbands if I'm trying to arrange a meet-up as I get more sense out of the wife usually!

I actually think you are doing well trying to manage your jealousy OP. You seem to be handling it in a healthy way as much as you can. So that sounds promising!

Many years ago (I was in my 20s), I was sent to Asia on business for 3 weeks and was meeting a guy from our New Jersey office out there and we would work together. I'd never heard of the guy before, let alone spoken to him. It was my first time in Asia and I was really excited. The American guy and I didn't really click despite being sharing a tiny office from 8am to 9-10pm Mon-Fri. He was really American (the bright white trainers, the shorts and polo shirt, the Starbucks obsession) and I was still very 'fresh off the boat' Northern working class made good in London. Let's just say it wasn't a meeting of minds. . Despite that, we knew no-one else so we planned a dinner together on our first Sat eve in Asia. It was the first dinner of the trip as during the week we always worked through. We spend Sat separately and just met up for dinner. Two drinks each, one main course, done! It was not the most fun dinner I've ever been to (he was annoying and cheap) but it was good to actually experience a tiny bit of the country we were working in. We'd agreed to do dinner on Sun eve (I booked a fabulous colonial style restaurant with stunning views of the area) but he cancelled. In fact he avoided eating or drinking with me for the rest of the trip. We didn't even go outside to grab a sandwich to bring back as a working lunch together. It was weird. I thought I'd done something wrong. It was a very long 3 weeks when you're alone all weekend and locked in an office all week with someone who barely speaks to you. A few months later, I found out from another colleague in the New Jersey office that it was because the guy's wife had gone ballistic when he said he'd had dinner with me and banned him from any contact with me other than pure work. Seriously. The New Jersey office all thought it was hilarious whereas I just thought it was sad. I've come across a few possessive wives over the years but she was the worst. By a long way.

From the other point of view, I did an international job for 17 years and often travelled with male colleagues.
I did not once have any kind of intimacy with any of them. Being away from home, living out of a suitcase, coping with airports and hotel food is quite miserable & boring enough.
Evenings stuck in a hotel room are dire so we used to eat together, just for a change of four walls. On the very few occasions we had any chance to shop, it was more to alleviate boredom than anything else. Those sorts of business trips are slog not glamourous. So don’t assume the worst. You’ve explained how you feel. Your dh has reassured you. Just keep talking.

I don't think you are jealous of the woman, you are jealous of the quality time. Can you organise to do some things 1 on 1 with him? Why weren't you out shopping with him?

Perfectly normal reaction OP and you are also right about how affairs start; you were right to voice your opinion.

You are also allowed to feel jealous, it means you like him a lot, it's a healthy reaction to another women spending time with your man, totally understandable.

Who would be happy with their OH spending a whole day watching an event, then dinner and drinks, sorry but to me that sounds like a date, I know it wasn't but it just would not sit right with me either.

All you can do is ask that he respects the boundaries of your relationship, there is no need for day long meet ups at the very least.

I feel for you, we all get jealous. The trouble is your imagination can start to run wild and its difficult to stop and it's all those feelings that you can have. He should have reassured you more. Its all very well him saying he wouldn't be jealous if it was the other way around. I think he should make it up to you, take you out etc and pay you some attention. It's good you've made your feelings clear though.

Rowallen, I would say the same for my male friend -- he gets on extremely well with with women, but had not had a female close friend before me, or not, at least, since his university days, and back then they were often people he'd had romantic relations with. (Whereas several of my close friends are male, though we're pretty scattered around different countries these days.)

But people change, and sometimes you meet someone and click with them immediately, or you meet someone at the right moment in your life when you're open to a new friend, or new type of friend. I find the idea that men and women can't be friends because sex gets in the way both depressing and untrue, and it suggests a very impoverished idea of friendship. I love my friend and he loves me, and we're both happily married, though we don't know one another's spouses well, because we live far apart, our children are very different ages, and babysitters which would allow the four of us to socialise are hard to find.

Obviously, I'm a stranger on the internet, but just my perspective on a close male-female friendship that started via work -- in fact, started on a disastrous overseas worktrip where we got rerouted to another city because of bad weather!

spanishwife I would love to have been out shopping with him but unfortunately he is on the other side of the world.
Thanks to those of you who replied with experience of working away it is hard work and definitely far from the glamorous life people often assume it is.
Hundredmilesanhour I laughed at your description of the American guy, being known as the psycho, ballistic wife would be humiliating, another reason why I want to get a lid on this.

Anyone else ever felt like this and got over the jealousy?

@HundredMilesAnHour - excellent posts and perspectives - and I speak as someone whose H cheated with a work colleague.

Ironically @Rowallen, I had got my jealousy under control years ago - H works in an environment where there are a lot of -young- women and a lot of socialising and he is very much the "big cheese" although not their boss - he never did anything wrong during my jealous years yet got into an affair when I was no longer jealous! so it really is the most useless, soul destroying emotion.

I got my jealousy under control through doing a lot of reading about self-esteem and working on my own. Because that is what it usually comes down to. If your DP is doing stuff he shouldn't be, then that is not really jealousy - its being a rubbish partner. If the person (male or female) is doing nothing wrong but the partner is upset/worried/obsessing about it, then that is usually because the partner is insecure and feels vulnerable. But as I say, if the partner is doing nothing wrong to cause that, then the issue is with the person themself and they need to work on sorting it for themself.

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