What would you do if? AIBU??

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

My DH works away a lot and sometimes he replies straight away, sometimes its hours.

The fact is they're away and busy. I send a text when DD is home from school about how her day was and then one when I'm off to bed. If he wants to reply or call in between that then great, but your coming across as really controlling.

Anxiety is a horrible afflication OP, but...

You should stop texting so often and stop expecting constant communication. He's working. Even though he's in a restaurant it'll be with other people from work and none of them will be providing a continuous commentary on the evening. I've worked away (as did my ex) and if either of us had had to respond in the way you expect we'd have both refused to take our phones anywhere.

Is he not allowed an hour or two - or several - without having to keep updated all the time?

It's not disrespectful to you, this is your anxiety talking. Are you getting any help for it? If not I really would recommend you go to your doctor and discuss the options available. This is no way to maintain a healthy relationship.

Thanks for this guys
I think I just needed to know am I being OTT
The thing is they work away in a building but they finish the day at 5 so anything after that is "social time" so I'm not expecting him to txt me through the day but the evening would be nice as I know he will/should just be back in his hotel room around 9??

OP - with respect - you really need to get more help for your anxiety...
Being with someone is in this constant need for reassurance - and herself admits to being paranoid - is not a great place to be.
It’s not a relatioship, it’s more like managing a patient, walking on eggshells....
And if this is constant - that will destroy a relationship....

What you described can be so many things. And ‘disrespect’ of your feelings isn’t first that came to mind at all.
You were texting - back and forth, hourly since 5 until 7..., .
Maybe he had a drink after that, or maybe he just wanted a break and relax.
He simply might have gone to bed; didn’t see your messages.
Maybe he woke up and saw the last one sleepily....

Anyway - what you describe is an exhausting need to constant reassurance and surveillance.
Unless he is being kept on a short leash for some indiscretion - this isn’t healthy.
This isn’t a need for ‘little reassurance’ - and text before bed.

And - you do realise - that no amount of texting will give you 100% certainty.... Unless you attach a 24hr camera - you won’t know if he isn’t quickly checking in with you while holding another woman in his arms.

So - really, do try to work on yourself or you will continue to be unhappy.

In my relationship I'm the one who works away. Maybe 4-5 times a year for 2-4 days at a time. These events are with colleagues from across the country and are great for networking. They always involve a late dinner. And drinking. I always text my OH when I go to bed, but it's often very late. It's rude to be sitting round a table and be sitting on my phone so I try to avoid doing this. I will send the odd text or call between day time and evening event. I know it's hard on my OH as he's not worked in an industry where these type of away days happen. I have no interest in straying. But at the same time I'm at work. I can't be on my phone constantly. Sometimes I say I'm off to bed. Then getting talking to someone I haven't seen in ages and I might be up for several more hours. I only get the chance to socialise with my colleagues on these few occasions so I want to enjoy myself and let my hair down a bit

Imagine if, yesterday, when you missed his call at 5:20, he then accused you of being with another man which is why you couldn’t return his call until after 6pm. How would that make you feel? How would you deny it? How could you prove otherwise?

And that’s exactly what you’re doing to him, when in all likelihood he was just out with colleagues or fell asleep or even just really tired and not up for an evening texting marathon with you. Two of three texts a day and maybe a phone call if he’s away for more than one night is reasonable communication to expect - but not with strings put on the timings so that he has to call at a set time or risk provoking your anxiety.

You need to seek treatment for your anxiety. You cannot treat your partner like this, and you will drive him away. Anxiety might be an explanation for controlling, paranoid behaviour - but it does not excuse it. I appreciate that this may come across as harsh, but I’ve been the person on the receiving end of a partner’s paranoid accusations and it is a frustrating, helpless, miserable place to be, always having to be “on call” to answer the phone and reply to texts, having to keep receipts and train tickets to prove I was where I said I was.

Having someone at home who is continually needing reassurance when you are trying to work is distracting. He did communicate with you. Give people space to miss you.

Izzy, the advice here is apt for anyone with anxiety. It’s fairly normal to forget to look at your phone but he kept to his commitment to contact you daily, a call and texts. It’s up to you to manage a situation were he, or anybody, forgets to look at his phone. This is something you need to deal with and there are lots of techniques and treatments

However, the old saying “just because you are paranoid, it doesn’t mean they are not out to get you” may apply. I say this because I am mindful of your ongoing posts which highlight major dissatisfaction with your DP and your relationship. If I recall you want to get married and he refuses, he sees your home as his property, you have been separated, he is sexist and he is inconsiderate. One of your issues is that he does no take you out or show you any romance. Meanwhile you are aware he does this during the week and that he dated women when you were separated.

So maybe you are sabotaging his dinner with colleagues or maybe you are right to be suspicious that he prefers to spend time with another rather than you. Maybe it’s both. What I can say from your posts is that you are very unhappy in this relationship and with this man. Yet you dance around facing up to this, theorising on his bahviour and his actions.

At the end of the day you need to examine how you feel about this relationship. Does it work for you and do have any real feelings for him? Not the theoretical him, but the man he is and the way he lives. He is who he is. You need to decide who you are and what you want. If these two things aren’t compatible, then move on.

Before he goes away, do you ever actually discuss communication and your desires around this? There’s no shame in that. When I’m away I like to message or give a quick call to my OH right before bed and message when I wake up, and I like it when he does the same. I don’t mind if there’s little communication all throughout the day, everyone’s busy, but I feel like those late night/early morning texts are so low effort but a way to stay connected and show you’re thinking of each other. I wouldn’t get mad if I didn’t happen, but it’s nice when it does. Have you ever asked him to do that for you while he’s away?

I think unless you have communicated you can’t really blame him for not doing something he doesn’t even know you expect him to do. You sound quite controlling and I’d be upset if I were your DH at having my fidelity questioned. So what if he had been drinking?

The more someone tries to grab hold of you and crush you and remove your freedom the harder you fight to be free. Remember that.

My DP occasionally works away. Even when he’s home we dont text unless we have to. When he’s away we still don’t text during the day - he’s working and I’m sleeping (I work nights!)

Come the evening once he’s wound down and gone out for food he will then text me once he’s back at his hotel. And that works out great for us. I would never expect somebody to sit texting me whilst socialising with someone else.

Do you think your anxiety increases because he’s away with a woman? Would you feel more at ease if he was with a man??

FFS, I find it difficult to remember to text when I'm out. Also, how do you know when he read the text? It only gives you the time it goes through to the recipient's phone.

My DH works away regularly.

Honestly what you’ve described wouldn’t even be on my radar.

You communicated with him in the early evening.

It’s rude to sit at a table with others and spend the evening in your phone texting. I’d assume he put his phone away out of basic manners.

I’d assume he either got back late and didn’t reply to your text after midnight because he assumed you’d be sleeping.

I’d assume he was in a rush to get ready this morning and forgot to reply.

All completely normal.

When DH is away we communicate once a day (usually a quick call to say hi to the kids and catch up) but it depends on the time difference, sometimes I’ll just get a quick “how are you” text.

I certainly wouldn’t expect (or want) constant text contact.

I think your GAD is impacting your views on this. You need to discuss it with your DH.

Wow I honestly thought ppl would be agreeing with me,

Just a bit of background to us we've been together 15 years on n off

*he is also very paranoid and has much double standards I think is the main issue I have,
For example it's a big deal for me to go out with mates the last time I've gone "out" with mates must be about half a year ago now.

*also very sexist with the comments he comes out with

I understand he works away and made peace with it but I don't know how to word this without sounding paranoid --- in just gonna divert people to all the posts that come about men cheating and leaving double lives, n posters on there have commented that he should have been contacting wife/partner when away etc
I just worry that he could potentially have an affair but if I'm not interested or setting certain kind of expectations it would be way easier for him

@FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine

Hi fear
Yes that's exactly what I've done, I mentioned this in my original post, that the last time he went away he again ignored txts etc so when he came back we were in a bad argument with me even considering leaving
However, we were due to go on a family holiday so I tried for the sake of that and we had a really nice time and seemed very lovey dicey/happy
I then used that opportunity to admit I just felt rejected and that it'd be so much easier for me and us if he just txt in the mornings and before he went to bed!!! He agreed and I seriously thought this time he would keep to that agreement!!
That's why I'm so much more distraught as I have had that convo where I opened up to him and said even if he just sends a txt that he's going to bed would do for me

@PhilomenaSnowflakeButterfly

Not on WhatsApp
It shows when txt is delivered and then when read . I guess that's why so many relationships break down since WA as it's all exposed. I always said I wish it was simpler times without technology like when we met we had none of this

I think you've just got to trust, really. Yes, he could be playing away, but so could anyone in any relationship. The only way to know it's not the case is to be single, in afraid. When mine works away, I expect to know he's arrived safely. I do like a text before he goes to bed but sometimes he doesn't manage it. I also like to know when he's on his way back.

There's a quote from fantastic beasts. Something like, 'I don't worry because then I suffer twice '.

He is still a sexist twat. But that doesn't change that YABU and need help with your GAD because if you're going to stay with him despite his failing (this isn't one) then you will drive yourself mad.

I'm with everybody else, OP - it's your behaviour that's the problem here, not his. He's staying in touch regularly, and you have no reason to believe there's anything untoward going on. My ex wife was like you. The number of work dinners and meetings that got disrupted because she would phone in tears, telling me I had to come home because she was scared I'd meet somebody or needed me to look after her. The constant accusations. The controlling behaviour. Eventually, the long nights spent sitting alone in a hotel room with a room service tray, because it was easier than dealing with the fallout if I met colleagues for dinner. It was suffocating. Frankly, it's abusive behaviour. That constant need to keep tabs on your partner, and police what they're doing. So what if he went out for drinks until midnight? He's allowed to. And no, you don't get to tell him that he "should" be back in his hotel room and available to talk to you at 9pm. Because he's not a child. And you aren't the police.

Happily, I'm now free. She's making someone else's life a misery. You need to take a long hard look at what you're doing, and seek help for your mental health issues. He isn't responsible for managing your own emotional disregulation. You are. And I'm sorry to say that if you don't start learning how, there may well come a time when he tells strangers on the internet about how he is now free of the control and the insecurity that once plagued his life. While you repeat the pattern with someone new.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad

With all due respect I have NEVER rang him whilst he's away ESPECIALLY crying or pleading with him to come home! I'd never lower myself to that level, ever!! TBF, I haven't even txt him again if he hadn't responded. This is just me though-I hate the feeling of rejection so I never put myself "out there"

We've had discussions about this and all Iv asked is for him to txt or call whilst he's away.NOT THROUGHOUT the day like some posters are suggesting?!? I think ppl on here are quick to twist! I could show you print screens of our chats - INEVER, EVER txt him more than once or plead with him to txt me back . There was one time my dp actually said "u never ring or contact first anyway like other women do" sounded like he wanted me to but I still would t do it, I'm not gonna be desperate. I'd feel much more HURT and REJECTED if I was the one txting and calling rather than just respond to his txts and wait for his reply

I never ever tell him not to work away either I've just been totally honest and said to him that I struggle sometimes with the fact he's away socialising with women when me and him never socialise. It hurts because in my mind it appears he prefers to socialise with his colleagues than me... that's the brunt of it. I don't know it's my anxiety or what but I always put myself in that situation.

I know 100% if I was the one working away I would at least ring once to check in and at night I'd send him a goodnight txt or even a call depending if I was tired or not. So that's all I'm asking Iv not ever said and expected him to contact em all the time that would be annoying to me! I work too and when he rang me at 5.24 I was actually on a work call trying to fit in deadlines . Don't u think if I was that desperate like posters have implied on here I'd be sitting with my phone waiting for his call?!?
There's been many times I've missed his call and that's ok cos I always txt I never ignore him
It's hurt me that he's chosen to ignore my last txt which was sent at a reasonable time (8pm) and just go straight to bed without even a reply! I don't know what's so hard to understand about that! It's the principle that he was out I would like to know if he got back ok or hear about his day

**btw, there was a time when he would do this always and send goodnight msgs so it's making me feel why has he suddenly changed in the past year where he would send lil messages to actually hardly any contact?

There was one time my dp actually said "u never ring or contact first anyway like other women do" sounded like he wanted me to but I still would t do it, I'm not gonna be desperate

Wait, so you never message him or ring him first? You always expect him to be the initiator?

well no wonder he isn’t constantly in touch! He probably feels like he’s the one putting in the effort and you’re not. You’re just responding to him and never reaching out first: sounds horribly imbalanced.

@FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine

Yes that's correct. I'm too scared cos of my anxiety 😪 fear of being rejected
That's a good point tho. He has mentioned it before I just don't k ow what to do

Then you really need to get a handle on this OP! Cos your behaviour atm is unfair to your husband. You can’t be mad at him for not contacting you exactly when you want him to while also refusing to contact him. If my OH did that to me I’d lose all interest in being the first to reach out every single time and feel like he didn’t care.

Start messaging him, cos you’re really damaging the relationship acting like this. Every other day, be the one to message first. Ring him just to say hi now and then. Send a good morning or goodnight message. Try and remind yourself you want to message him cos you love him and want him to know you’re thinking of him rather than doing it to get something in return (don’t message him and then get mad if he doesn’t reply within an arbitrary period of time).

OP, why are you on here fighting with people when you have asked about your behaviour?
This is the same behaviour you have been exhibiting for sometime.
You are locked in this.
We can't solve it for u.
If everyone said yes you are 100% right, what difference would it make because the next trip he had, you'd reset to the same thoughts.

@FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine

I like this response, I think you're the only one who got it.
Basically, long story short there was a time we were crazy about each other, call it the honeymoon period or whatever (although in talking about three-four years in at this point) it was very intense . Both each other's first everything!! So we were always txting day n night etc
Until one time where he dumped me out the blue. I was distraught n constantly rang and txt him (btw the end of relationship was gradual it was like phasing our) and he ignored me it was basically the worst pain Iv ever experienced n that's including the two precipitate labours!!! From that time on, I vowed never to do any chasing
The fact he ignored my calls and txts was heartbreaking so ever since then after we got back together Iv always maybe txt him here n there n waited for his response..
I hardly ever ring (only when he's rang me first) it's a really bad habit slash routine Iv got used to

Do u honestly think this could be a reason for the breakdown of relationship? Could he be getting sick of that? And just sees it as me lacking interest? I really think u have a valid point here, if that's the case I need to start doing what you've said.

Only thing is he works very early (wakes up at 5am) so he always does the morning txt.

You post about him, his working away, him working with a female and the drama this all causes, all the time.

You have a very unhealthy relationship. He seems like a sexist dick but you know that and choose to be with him anyway.

You really need to end this relationship. You are miserable