What would you do if? AIBU??

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

@Notacluethisxmas

I'm only miserable when it comes to things like this as I feel used.
He makes a fuss if I EVER ask to go out with my friends I can't even remember the last time I've had a night out it's been that long
However, when he's away he basically takes the piss n goes out dinner, drinks, clubs the whole works

It sounds like you're driving yourself a bit mental with the constant second guessing about texts and calls.... they're just texts and calls.... you need to sort out the communication issue in your relationship. I can't imagine not just being able to say to my DP exactly what I'm thinking or why I'm upset or message him Random pictures of dogs.... it should be easy

Has he messaged/called you today OP?

Issy777 but that's not quite true. You boasted on another thread that you and him never socialised without eachother. Socially.....remember this is his work.

Someone else on one thread, said did the same and you banged on about how great it was to talk to someone who had the same set up. How others didn't understand and how it suited you. That's not just his thing.

Now you are complaining that it's him that wants that set up.

This is what I mean. Its toxic and it makes you miserable. He works away and unless he messages when you want, responds in a time you think is appropriate, in a way you are ok with etc......It drives you insane.

And it stood out to me because i found it very odd, that you would live like that.

@Issy777

It would be ok, if issues like this were infrequent and if they were not a integral part of your life. However you having been posting regularly about your unhappiness with him and the relationship. The issues are quite fundamental, you want to get married and he doesn't, you want to spend quality time together and he doesn't, you dislike him working away and his job requires it, he is sexist and you want your daughters to be enlightened. After being together for over a decade and having 2 children, you should be comfortable about texting and talking when he is away. Finally he has finally done something you asked him to, and you are still unhappy and fretting.

Yes, this might be GAD but chicken and egg spring to mind. But does it really matter. You are not happy in this relationship.
It doesn't matter how or what the rest of us would do. If we are happy with our choices, it doesn't matter how much they differ from couple to couple or person to person.

@LemonTT

A lot of truth in what you've said.
Think I need to take a step back and really look at the whole relationship.

No he doesn't want to get married, in fact there's not really any commitment from his side apart from we share two dds together and his names are on the BCs.
So that could play into my paranoia, as in I know there's nothing really stopping him from starting an affair. It's not like I have any claim to his house etc.

@GBPworries

Yes oddly has rung like nothing has happened. He does have a tendency to this at times... either because he does t wanna talk about something or he just doesn't want to carry it on etc

So rang up n just chatted randomly about a delivery he was expecting, n talked a bit about his day today. So I've just put everything side and acted normal although inside I'm distraught by the whole situation tbh. But sometimes it's best left alone.

sorry yes - YABU. Do you trust him? If you do - you shouldn't be this worried (and i have extreme anxiety as well so i dont say this lightly)

We both work away at different times. Both contact each other randomly. If he or I can’t answer straight away the other would assume we were busy.
I was in a relationship were I couldn’t go to the toilet without being accused of meeting someone. It drove me away.

I work away and I'd be incredibly annoyed at having to check in with DB like that. I text him if I've got something interesting to tell him. There may be an odd how was your day text, but that's it.

I've just spent a week away with a male colleague and he didn't have to check in either.

Well, as he's acting like everything is normal I'd be inclined to think he just fell asleep early, sleepily looked at his phone when he stirred then went straight back to sleep. I've done the same in the past.
My husband calls me when he's out at work but I don't call him because I very rarely have any phone credit. When I do have credit I don't message/call him because I simply forget that I can. It doesn't bother him.... I hope!

Hang on....
You are not married
You live in a house you describe as his
You have two children
He makes sexist comments.

Do you work and have your own income? Is the house mortgaged? Do you pay towards it?

Getting your security sorted out might make you feel less anxious!

@Issy, it sounds like your relationship is the problem, not how many times your OH contacts you while away.
Both scenarios that have been discussed here are possible. He could be working and socialising with colleagues or he could be having an affair. Both equally possible to me because I don't know him.
The problem is that you know him and you think both scenarios are possible too.
You should be able to trust your partner and feel secure in the relationship.
Different couples will have different communication styles that work for them so it's unlikely that you will get a unanimous response with regards to that.
If my partner doesn't contact me when expected I would either a) worry something happened if he's travelling, or b) wait as he must be tied up with work.
In the meantime I might send him random stuff about my day but we both know that I don't expect a reply.
If when your OH doesn't text when you expect you think he's having an affair then you need to figure out why that is.
If you are not happy, if he's not good to you, no amount of texting is going to make it better.

@BeanBagLady

Yes I work but I had to go part-time for 1 year old dd, so have lost a chunk of regular wage.
The house isn't mortgages as his parents bought him his house! They are rich so I have no claim whatsoever and he makes this clear when he talks about his house.

Do u honestly think this could be a reason for the breakdown of relationship? Could he be getting sick of that? And just sees it as me lacking interest? I really think u have a valid point here, if that's the case I need to start doing what you've said

I have done this a lot in my current relationship, it started when the 'honeymoon period' slowed down to normal relationship, however I saw it as a massive rejection, I stopped being the first to text in the morning/at night. I'd only respond to his messages, would never ask how his day was going ( even though I wanted to know and loved him) because I wouldn't recognise his response as genuine.

Him messaging me, or saying he loved me all the time was the only way I felt the relationship was validated. I stopped suggesting things to do as I was sure he was only agreeing to be polite and it couldn't possibly mean he actually loved me.

This went on for months and it had a knock on effect, he slowed down on the messaging and kept the convo very short, it all came to a head and we did break up ( albeit only for a day) but it snapped me out of it.

I realised that these issues were my issues and are deep rooted from 'the past' I started being honest with how I was feeling, if I woke up and wanted to speak to him, I'd text first. If I was sat at home wondering how his day went, I'd ask! If I suddenly felt a rush of love, I'd tell him there and then, not expecting a response, just telling him because I wanted to.

It strengthened our relationship, the talking, texting and love gushing is fairly equal now and I try really hard not to put validation in to such things.

Why do you even want to be with someone that has an issue with you seeing friends and make sexist comments, is that your dream man

Yeah just skimmed all the other posts you have started about him, your relationship is very dysfunctional, instead of trying to work it out, I'd be moving on, it's never going to be good OP, never.

I feel very concerned for you that you have no stake in your home, and have given up some of your job ( income, pension and professional development opportunities) to care for his child, with no security.

Who pays childcare, bills etc? Can you start saving a fund for yourself from your wage?

@BeanBagLady

We pay half of childcare
And I pay food and half of "fee" for his mum n dad (basically the interest they would have made on the money for house)
He pays for all other bills
He earns more than double than me as well!
And still doesn't think I'm paying enough

He's very money minded.
When we had a split back in 2015 he had dated another girl who also said this about him too

@Pigeonpies

Thanks for sharing your experience, this is very interesting to me. I think it may speak volumes about the dynamics in our relationship

I hardly ever txt him first, I just respond to his txts