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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I play this?

69 replies

user1471507501 · 03/12/2018 18:11

I recently confronted my husband about an emotional affair he was having (including sexual whatsapp messages). He was devastated and very sorry. We had it all out and we had a good discussion about our marriage. Things seemed to have got back on an even keel. However, this afternoon he sent me a whatsapp which was just 4 sexual emojis, which I recognised as the same he had sent to her. He immediately messaged back to me "sorry, just messing about with emojis. Should be working". Now, has he made the rookie error of messaging the wife instead of the ow? Or could it be innocent?

OP posts:

Pinkmonkeybird · 05/12/2018 13:53

Please, please, please don't stay with this douchebag just for the children. I split with my ex nearly 2 months ago and whilst he wasn't the father of my 15 year old DD (he was step-dad to her for nearly 10 yrs) she has adjusted to us leaving quite well and totally understands. My DD has just gone through her mock exams and whilst it hasn't been the best timing, she's had lots of support from myself, her dad, family and friends. People will pull together to help you in many ways you wouldn't expect.

I echo Ellisandre's suitcase emoji. He won't change. Get him to leave.

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 05/12/2018 17:42

Suitcase emoji definitely.

You know him and you know he is still at it.

sheswhat · 05/12/2018 17:49

Why do you believe he hasn't slept with her? He has.

He will never give you any more information that you already know. He's messaged you by accident. Pack his stuff and sling the cheating scumbag out

Original poster

user1471507501 · 05/12/2018 18:00

I know it might seem that I am deluding myself (perhaps I am), but I really don't think he has slept with her. I saw lots of their messages and, although flirty and occasionally sexual, there was nothing to suggest they were having sex.

OP posts:

sheswhat · 05/12/2018 18:08

There was nothing to suggest he was still in touch with her until he accidentally sent you a series of boner emojis. He will never give you more than you've found yourself. Why would he?

It's all lies. Don't allow him to do this to you.

Alfiemoon1 · 05/12/2018 18:44

I am another who thinks they were meant for ow. How are things now op

Original poster

user1471507501 · 05/12/2018 20:26

Well, I managed to check his phone again. Nothing there. But he has hidden the whatsapp app, although it is very easy to find. He is also hardly on whatsapp these days. Despite this, I do think he is still in contact with her. I know many of you think I should just kick him to the kerb, but I want to find the smoking gun before 20 years of marriage is blown apart, and I make no apologies for that.

OP posts:

sparklepops123 · 05/12/2018 20:36

I appreciate where you're coming from my h has done something similar lately, unfortunately for him my ex h did similar .
I'm now more savvy. Just make sure things are lined up in favour to you , accounts etc. I'm lucky I'm the money person, he's unlucky I'm the nasty bitch when crossed.
I feel he'll cross me again because he thinks I'm stupid. They always do, I'll be ready and he won't. 💐 just keep savvy

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/12/2018 20:37

He can't be that sorry; as soon as your back is turned he's at it again. The message clearly wasnt meant for you.

I think you know which way this is headed and I agree with other posters about preparing yourself emotionally and financially.

Can I ask you why you think they haven't slept together or at least planning to when there is clearly sexual conversation between them? Why would there be sexual conversation if they didn't already have or were leading up to a sexual relationship?

This arsehole is a cheat and a shit one at that

Sorry op

Original poster

user1471507501 · 05/12/2018 20:46

Does anyone know how whatsapp +, or GBwhatsapp work? I think you can set your last seen time for 24 hours. I guess when you're spying on your own husband, the game us up.

OP posts:

Villagelifer · 05/12/2018 20:46

OP you don't have to do anything but don't fool yourself as to what is happening. You didn't find messages on his phone saying they are having sex but they don't have to write it down. You don't swap messages that are sexual in nature unless the relationship is/was/going to be sexual.
Of course only your husband and the OW know for sure and they're not going to tell you.
Staying for your children sets a really bad example. Do you have a daughter?
It's ok if you are scared or comfortable and don't want to change things but it's your husband who has given up your marriage, not you.

Kennycalmit · 05/12/2018 20:59

I don’t know whether he’s 100% cheating or not but if he is then he probably deleted all evidence as soon as he accidentally sent you them emojis

You’ve got 3 options.

confront him and just say “you know everything and you know he’s back in contact with her and until he’s willing to admit things you want him gone”
you wait and check up on him driving yourself mad. When he’s probably deleting ALL evidence possible
you say and do absolutely nothing and hope you’re wrong

TheMagician · 05/12/2018 21:18

He thinks you're an idiot. That's as big a turn off as the trawling for sex. I"m not getting an emotional affair vibe from his cheating.

sheswhat · 05/12/2018 21:20

Being able to see that he's active on WhatsApp is not going to be the "smoking gun" you speak of. Even if you caught him having a drink with her you'll talk yourself out of that being the "smoking gun".

This is entirely normal but he's making you doubt yourself. I would bet my last penny that he's been intimate with her. He will never admit that until he is caught red handed. And that is unlikely to happen as he's covering his tracks as best he can

LizzieBennettDarcy · 05/12/2018 21:25

It makes me so sad when I read threads like this.

The DH is a lying cheating arsehole and the DW is justifying why she has to put up with it to keep the family together.

He's the one blowing your family to bits, not you.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 05/12/2018 22:03

You could covertly set his WhatsApp to back up on an iPad or laptop?

Choosegopse · 05/12/2018 22:13

I would ask him to move out for a month. I wish I had done that, instead of 18 months slowly going mad whilst my marriage inevitably broke up. Give yourself some time to think and show him you are serious.

Bellendejour · 06/12/2018 12:09

OP my parents split when I was 12 after mum found out about dads affair. Mum dated a couple of guys then met my stepdad - they’ve been blissfully happy for 28 years! He’s a far better man than my father and I’m so happy that I’ve got to be around that much healthier relationship for so long. Obviously do what is right for you but don’t keep going for the kids. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

PreseaCombatir · 06/12/2018 12:41

If you delete WhatsApp and reinstall, it reinstated any messages deleted within the last 24 hours (or whatever time the last backup was)

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