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Original poster

How do I play this?

69 replies

user1471507501 · 03/12/2018 18:11

I recently confronted my husband about an emotional affair he was having (including sexual whatsapp messages). He was devastated and very sorry. We had it all out and we had a good discussion about our marriage. Things seemed to have got back on an even keel. However, this afternoon he sent me a whatsapp which was just 4 sexual emojis, which I recognised as the same he had sent to her. He immediately messaged back to me "sorry, just messing about with emojis. Should be working". Now, has he made the rookie error of messaging the wife instead of the ow? Or could it be innocent?

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 03/12/2018 19:34

I'd focus on the practical and legal stuff now OP. Contact a solicitor tomorrow morning. Get finances in order before your appointment, bank statements, pensions etc.

Don't give him the opportunity to slither out of this by pretending he messaged you in error - do not mention it. Act normally, as if you believed him, meanwhile get things in order.

The alternative is continued marriage to this womaniser, turning a blind eye. If you want to do this, for wherever reason, that's ok, and you owe no one an explanation. Just don't kid yourself. And always be prepared (legally and financially) for him to fall for an OW and leave you.

So sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
user1471507501 · 03/12/2018 19:43

No. We have never sent each other these types of emojis. I think they're rather juvenile.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 03/12/2018 19:46

Then there’s your answer, I’m sorry but they weren’t meant for you

Ellisandra · 03/12/2018 19:49

Send him the suitcase emoji.

Then: “sorry, just messing about with emojis, trying to decide which ones best convey ‘pack your bags, you lying cheat’.

ladamanera · 03/12/2018 19:51

Love Elisandra’s suggestions!

Original poster
user1471507501 · 03/12/2018 19:55

Brilliant. I wish I had the balls. We have two teenage children. The thought of putting them through a break-up is unbearable. I think if we didn't have children, he would have been out the door as soon as I found out.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/12/2018 20:02

There are worse things.

What do you want to happen? Can you be happy staying, knowing he's unfaithful?

GloomyMonday · 03/12/2018 20:12

"The thought of putting them through a break-up is unbearable."

You're not though are you, he is.

And your life will become unbearable if you don't deal with this.

Needsomebottle · 03/12/2018 20:27

I'd be tempted to play it a bit cool when he comes home, see if he's sweating it a bit and is over attentive or makes reference to it. If it was "accidental" it wouldn't be a big thing in his mind and he'd not mention it. However, if it is, as suspected, intended sexually for someone else then he may well make mention to it to try and gloss it over? Might give you an indication?

Though I'm inclined to agree with PP of giving it a few days and THEN checking his phone... It's a tricky one. He'll definitely have cleared anything incriminating. So if you confront him is he likely to stand firm on the fact it was accidental in which case the argument will go round in circles and (if it were my house) would be brought back to how I don't trust him...

Seriously though, who sits on messenger messing about with emojis? They're not a difficult concept or one which requires any practice. He'd have been better rolling with it and suggesting he was trying to get flirty. That's a panic stricken response.

Original poster
user1471507501 · 03/12/2018 20:36

I think I am going to play it cool (if I can). I make no apologies for not wanting to hasten the end of my marriage. It will be interesting if he mentions it.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/12/2018 20:36

Thing is, you've already decided you're going to put up with it, because you've ruled out ending the relationship. You've already tried confronting him and insisting he stop. He was sorry and made promises, which he's clearly broken. So now you're screwed.

PreseaCombatir · 03/12/2018 20:39

The thought of putting them through a break-up is unbearable
More unbearable than looking the other way while your husband cheats? Your worth more OP, it might not be nice for them to see their parents break up, but it must be pretty shitty for them to see their mum treated like a mug as well

Original poster
user1471507501 · 03/12/2018 20:43

I certainly haven't ruled out ending my marriage. In fact, I think this is the beginning of the end. I'm just trying to get my head round everything.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 03/12/2018 20:45

I've been through similar ,all the best to you if you can play it cool, I just couldn't. In all honesty he doesn't deserve you playing nice. Just means he'll keep doing it, but I do feel your pain, to me once the trust is gone it's gone then you're just treading water until it happens again, then you're put back in the same position

Queenofthedrivensnow · 03/12/2018 20:48

I'm so sorry op

Klobuchar · 03/12/2018 20:48

I went through something similar a couple of years ago, OP. H had an emotional affair which shone a spotlight on our relationship and after much discussion and a trial period of separation, we both decided we wanted to end our marriage.

We have teenage kids just like you. They’ve adjusted remarkably well and after the initial upset, became used to the ‘new normal’ amazingly quickly.

It’s only two years on and I’m actually glad it happened now.

picklemebaubles · 03/12/2018 21:00

The usual MN advice now is 'get your ducks in a row'. Gather your paperwork, copy bank statements etc.

Babymammy · 03/12/2018 21:11

Doesn't seem like they where for u op Flowers so sorry u deserve better

WhyAmISoCold · 03/12/2018 21:18

Are you going to ask him about it when he gets home OP?

Needsomebottle · 03/12/2018 21:21

Hats off to you. Can totally understand you not relishing the thought of the conversation and the inevitable tension it will bring. Hell, my husband had an EA for years and I ignored it cos I couldn't face it. One step at a time. Do what feels right for you right now.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/12/2018 21:27

There’s no point confronting him now, he’ll have deleted everything by now and make sure there’s nothing incriminating in his phone. Use this time to get everything in order, leave it a while and look then if you need proof. Just play it cool for now

Cawfee · 03/12/2018 21:29

Are you really just going to leave it? He could be sticking his bits in god knows what right now! He could be passing any sort of nasty onto you or the kids! What if he’s got herpes and your kids are using the same bathroom as him! Surely you need to know if he’s been dipping it somewhere else! Yukk. How can you even bear to look at him 🤮

Norfolkenchancemate · 05/12/2018 13:21

@user1471507501 do you have an update? Hope you're ok.

Pigeonpies · 05/12/2018 13:35

Why's he sorry for messing around with emojis and why has he sent that immediately?
That in itself is obvious the message wasn't for you.

If I sent a playful message like that to my OH I wouldn't immediately follow it up with a sorry message, he's just proved that you weren't the intended recipient!

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 05/12/2018 13:43

In your shoes I would go quiet and pleasant and wait. I would be snooping like buggery behind his back though. I would be tracking him, try and synchronise his phone messages to an Ipad or somesuch and find out what I had to by whatever means. No way would I let this lie.