Your thoughts please

[feelingcrap1]

I need some thoughts on this as I'm feeling pretty fucked off right now and alone .. so here's the low down

In my late 30s divorced after 15 years 3 children.
Work, no benefits. Not great I have about 500 after my bills have come out that's not including school trips, teenager wanting a £29 top , etc you get the drift... What comes in goes straight out , I do on the side for friends of the family cleaning to make ends meet. Which I'm trying my hardest to save for a holiday out of.
Partner of 18 months , 1 young adult (no mother)
Works , mortgage free, earns good money.

Me: I having been cooking for us and mine, and sometimes his ds for the past 8 months or so.. occasionally he will grab a takeaway and I give him half!
The past few weeks have been eating at me , I'm struggling to keep my head above water what with Xmas and outgoings ..
I provide 80% of the food. I ask him last week if he could contribute toward the shopping as for example if I got chicken I could split it to make two lots of meals but obviously I'm using most in one hit.
I was so embarrassed to ask him to contribute but did and I haven't seen anything... not even a mention, so what do I do ... do I wait til this weeks shop and see if he offers , am I being unreasonable? I really feel I'm being taken for a ride on that front ... on the other side he appears to adore me will help with diy around the house, gets on well with the kids and I love him I want a future with him but it's not a case of I don't want to feed him I can't afford too.
I'm having a violin moment, sorry

Sorry you're struggling OP, Xmas can be so stressful when you're trying to make ends meet.

When you spoke to your partner did he reply at all? Or did he just completely blank it?

Are you cooking for him most/all nights? I think if he doesn't contribute to the shop this week then I'd tell him I can't afford to feed him this week and he'll have to piss off home and make himself a sandwich!

I cook every night, unless I'm on a late shift and then I don't have anything as I'm at work. So twice a week I'll be on lates. He said .. 'tell me each week and we will split it' yet he came shopping with me Friday and contributed nothing so it will be this week that 'it starts' if it does.... I'm think piss off home and eat there but to me that's going back wards in the relationship if he's not prepared to contribute seeming as this has been going on 8 months ish ..
so bloody difficult

So he comes to you every night for dinner and he's never offered to contribute. That's shit.

I guess you can say to him, how do you want to pay for the shopping Friday , what about you pay and I'll give you my half.

I honestly didn't know these users existed, anyone with a decent bone in their body would stump up half without being asked.

And thr reason he should pay and uou give half is because he will forget to give you the money and you'll need to chase it up.

I wouldn't be too harsh he may not have been thinking.
You need an honest positive discussion. Tell him how much you are struggling. Tell him clearly you love him eating with you but you need his help with paying for his share. Talk exact numbers. Be very clear and spell it out for him. Don't be vague! Take him to the cash point before you go shopping!
You shouldn't have to do all this but he needs to give you money for the relationship to work !
Good luck

You've been together 18 months. I expect you're at the stage you could both talk to each other about things you enjoy in bed. So why is it so hard to go to him and say, in a Frank but non aggressive manner, that you can't afford to buying the food to feed everyone just because you are cooking and that next shopping trip, he should come with you and pay that week (and you'll pay next) or he gives you half in advance. He will probably be absolutely fine with it.

Waiting for him to realise that it upset you that you are paying it all because you are struggling might not get you anywhere but feeling how you feel right now.

You are all hitting the nail on the head , I guess I've made a rod for my own back. When I divorced I was ashamed because I didn't want to be 'on my own bring up kids from a broken home' then a year or so later I met my partner and I guess I'm too embarrassed to say what my financial status is, so I've just struggled along. But it just hit me the other week when we went shopping and he chose something 'the most expensive' and I thought hang on a fucking minute you choose but I'm the prat paying. We talk about everything but this is a barrier for me as I feel like a failure because I haven't got the money, I work long hours and on my days off I clean for extra , I just feel shattered, when I drop a hint and say I'm knackered I haven't stopped all day he will say your amazing, yeah fucking an amazing mess. I text him today after finding something not so nice at a home I was cleaning at and I'm fuming about that I said 'I never thought my life would be like this' I get back your doing amazing I love you , what I really wanted him to say is I'll give you the £20 your not doing that again. Is he taking me for a ride ? My mate thinks he is but I don't like to hear it... if shoe was on other foot I wouldn't see if struggle, but having said that I haven't shown him I am until the conversation last week so I guess it's my fault

I think he's taking rhe piss. I really don't understand the poster saying he might not be thinking. For eight months he stands at the check out with you weekly and watches you pay. For eight months he picks what he wants and puts it in the trolley to pay.

He's taking rhe piss. No one, but no one, who isn't taking advantage woildnt say "it's my turn, I'm eating it, let me pay".

Your friend is right op. Listen to her. And it's only your fault in as much as you allowed it.

Is he tight with money in other ways?

How about saying, I'm abit short this month after paying for boiler repair/new clothes for DS - just make something up. can you give me 50 pounds for the meal shop, and or pay for a takeaway this week? if he doesn't give you anything serve him tesco own brand spread on toast the time he comes round after that.

In addition are you saying he picks expensive things he wants, puts them in the trolley, stands and watches you pay week in week out then you go home and cook it for him?

And when he gets a takeaway he buys one meal and you need to split it with him?

No any person that sponges is exactly that, a sponger, they know alright, they just don't care enough about others, selfish prick, tell him straight, he's been taking the actual piss.

Stop being a doormat, would you let anyone else take the piss like this, he's no different, in fact I'd probably bin him for being tight nasty pig.

I'm abit short this month after paying for boiler repair/new clothes for DS - just make something up. can you give me 50 pounds for the meal shop, and or pay for a takeaway this week? if he doesn't give you anything serve him tesco own brand spread on toast the time he comes round after that

WTAF? So every week she has to make something up to get him to pay for his own food? And if he doesn't she should still feed him? Or maybe he could get a takeaway as a one off becayse she feeds him five nights out of seven?

You really must be kidding.

I think it'd be a bit patronising and weird to say 'I'll give you the £20 you're not doing that again' but it's absolutely ridiculous that he's choosing shopping to go in your trolley for you to pay for like you're his mum! He should be paying for the shopping as he's spending all that time at yours and benefitting from you cooking and all the bills you pay at home. I would tell him you've had enough of him livin off you and he takes over food shopping or it's a deal breaker. He's being a total tightwad.

I think men sometimes don't see things unless they are really told outright, sometimes several times. When he hears 'can you help pay for the shopping', he might just hear 'can you help pay for the shopping' and not 'I need to be honest, I have barely enough to live on and pay for the kids, if this is a serious relationship, we need you to pay more towards things for you an DS as I'm afraid I just can't pay for your share of everything on top of my family's costs'

He's not necessarily taking the piss, he may just think you are doing OK. I think you need to be honest about your situation - if he doesn't act on it, or shrugs it off, then there's a problem, but if you don't actually talk about it, you'd be amazed what can escape some blokes' notice.

Everything you are all saying I know is right , I do love him but I can't keep going like this, is he tight in other ways.... I don't really know his ds gets everything he wants , i.e phone gets broke gets a new one ... yet they have the most basic house you've ever seen ... he don't buy himself clothes they have to fall apart before hel replace them. He occasionally comes in with flowers for me, but that's about it.. yet if one of my kids needs a lift hel offer straight away ... and he'll do anything for me , like bin day hel go out the bin out without me asking , hel text me constantly while we are at work seeing I'm ok , I'm not after his money I just need him to pay toward what he's eating. This week shall I go shopping as he will be at work and I'm at work over the weekend and not say anything and see if he gives me some hel know I'll have been as the fridge will be full. I guess I want to test the water and see if hel give me anything if he don't there is no point going forward because I'm in reverse. Why does being in love with someone become so fucking hard , I don't want to loose him but I can't carry on like this

*In addition are you saying he picks expensive things he wants, puts them in the trolley, stands and watches you pay week in week out then you go home and cook it for him?

And when he gets a takeaway he buys one meal and you need to split it with him?*

This^ 100%. I'm sorry OP but he is using you. He's getting his food for free, a cook for free and (not to be crude) his needs met in the bedroom as well I expect.
I'd be telling him the blunt truth, you can't afford to be feeding him, yourself and your kids especially given you said he Works , mortgage free, earns good money. talk about totally taking the piss If he says that he's willing to pitch in, he has to give you the money before you even get to the shops. If you wait till you're standing at the till I guarantee he suddenly won't have his wallet with him or he'll need the loo so he isn't there when it's time to pay.
Stand up for yourself, you don't deserve to be taken for a mug.

Then that's a yes op, he's tight with money other than his kid. Does he take you out? For dinner, to thr cinema, to the theatre? Make up by spending money in other ways?

Is he also staying at yours 5 nights a week?

Reading the last few while I was posting your all right, without going into detail he was left financially ok and money hasn't been an issue for him,but I think that's dried up. But he now earn good money. I dont think he thinks, I think it's my fault for 'just doing' and never saying anything, but yes if he gets a takeaway I'll put my half on the side and hel take it!! Reading what I'm typing I need to man the fuck up, what am I doing !!

I think Echobelly is spot on. People who have never struggled with money don't really even comprehend that some of us have to count every single penny. Maybe he isn't being tight, he just has no concept of not being able to go to the hole in the wall and get more. The sort of person who will blithely say "just get a cab" and not realise that you are walking miles to work in the rain because you haven't even got the bus fare. Have an honest conversation. Hope things improve for you.

He stays most weekends, we don't go out , only really because of having childcare for mine. The last time we went to the cinema I paid months ago, he got the drinks n popcorn. When we went away last year for a weekend it was all split , I'm a mug I'm beginning to see that now

I don’t get why he doesn’t offer you money for shopping yet you give him money for the takeaway.

yes if he gets a takeaway I'll put my half on the side and hel take it

He takes your money to pay for your half of a takeaway ? Fuck me.

I don't know why some people are trying to excuse him, like he's just some thick little unthinking man, he's not. He knows. He is an adult. He knows the cost of food. He watches you pay it, and he takes your money, and he never treats you. You have to pay at least half if not more.

Are you now saying he only stays with you two nights a week, but the rest of the time he comes round, gets his dinner and leaves?

I'm sorry op, he's taking financial advantage of you.

I think an honest conversation both sides needed, he too may not be that well off, a lot of guys exaggerate initially. However regardless of his situation he needs to contribute!!