Your thoughts please

[feelingcrap1]

I need some thoughts on this as I'm feeling pretty fucked off right now and alone .. so here's the low down

In my late 30s divorced after 15 years 3 children.
Work, no benefits. Not great I have about 500 after my bills have come out that's not including school trips, teenager wanting a £29 top , etc you get the drift... What comes in goes straight out , I do on the side for friends of the family cleaning to make ends meet. Which I'm trying my hardest to save for a holiday out of.
Partner of 18 months , 1 young adult (no mother)
Works , mortgage free, earns good money.

Me: I having been cooking for us and mine, and sometimes his ds for the past 8 months or so.. occasionally he will grab a takeaway and I give him half!
The past few weeks have been eating at me , I'm struggling to keep my head above water what with Xmas and outgoings ..
I provide 80% of the food. I ask him last week if he could contribute toward the shopping as for example if I got chicken I could split it to make two lots of meals but obviously I'm using most in one hit.
I was so embarrassed to ask him to contribute but did and I haven't seen anything... not even a mention, so what do I do ... do I wait til this weeks shop and see if he offers , am I being unreasonable? I really feel I'm being taken for a ride on that front ... on the other side he appears to adore me will help with diy around the house, gets on well with the kids and I love him I want a future with him but it's not a case of I don't want to feed him I can't afford too.
I'm having a violin moment, sorry

The idea that men in generally don’t think when it comes to money is laughable. They do, they are far rational in a relationship than women. Although I get some people are just very removed from the concept of money and debt. But it is generally not self serving and they are owed as much as they owe.

If it was an acceptable give and take, then an extra mouth to feed in return for a regular family take away works. As would the contribution of desert or wine. But when you start chucking your own stuff in the trolley, then you offer to pay. Especially after it has been brought up.

Time to sit him down and ask him why he hasn’t offered and why he needs to be even asked. A plain straightforward question and one he needs to answer.

Actually it could be he's skint. He may have debt problems, not be earning what he's told you

Add it up.

He has a very basic house.
Never buys himself new clothes
Doesn't buy you anything, inc a takeaway, where he purposefully takes your money,
Doesn't pay to feed himself, relies on you to pay for that.
Sometimes relies on you to feed his kid too.
Only pays his share if you go out, and sometimes less than his share ie the cinema trip. Tickets are more expensive than drinks and popcorn.
The pair of you don't go out
He comes to your house to eat as often as he can, and even when not staying.
Gets you to buy expensive stuff he wants in the supermarket and watches you pay.

So either he is proper skint, or he is such a tight wad, that he is financially abusing you.

Sorry OP, but it does sound like he is taking the piss financially.

Easier said by text. Just text him and say "thanks for agreeing to split the food bill. Your share for last week was £... can you transfer it to me before 5pm as I have something to buy later. Love you"

Do what madeforthis said. It's perfect.

But change it slightly at the end write "and I'll let you know how much this weeks is when I've been, you're amazing, love you".

Oh and to transfer by tomorrow night.

He actually goes shoping with you and puts things in the trolley but doesn't offer any money towards the shop? Cheeky fuckery

I know people are trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, and normally that is fair enough,. Its the fact he takes half the money for takeaways that seals the deal for me. I find talking about money awkward too so I do understand how you feel. However, you DO have to man up and just tell him straight. Don't wait to see if he offers, don't beat about the bush. Just say to him "listen, I'm gonna have to ask you to chip in for food every week. I always pay for it and to be frank, I can't really afford it". There, simple. See how he reacts.
I detest people who are tight. My ex was SO tight so its something I would never tolerate again.

I like 'madeforthis' text. It's concise and gives him a deadline. If he's not transferred it then text him again, if still no money tell him to eat before he gets to yours.

He's taking the piss OP, he knows full well what he's doing, no one is that stupid! Can't believe you even paid for the cinema tickets

Thank you so much girls you are helping me , I don't think he's skint as I submit his invoices weekly I see what he earns and I he pays out for what his son wants as and when he wants something, like 150 music editing course which he's never bothered with since , so I don't think skint, I think I'm seeing the light and he is just taking the piss ! I'll keep you posted guess what he's on his way round!!! Best get the fucking dinner plate out !!

Are you going to ask him for money. Please tell me you're not just going to feed him and say nothing,

And what do you mean you submit his invoices? Are you doing work for him too?

I often hear/speak to women who are embarassed to mention money, particularly when they are being royally screwed. This suits the men with short arms and long pockets very well. Don't be embarassed. He obviously isn't. I think he knows your situation, and it suits him very well. Surely he doesn't think you clean in those circumstances for fun?

You "submit his invoices weekly" - so you're also doing his book keeping?

Wow. He really is taking you for a ride.

I think a calm but firm discussion needs to be had. If he is decent he will apologise and give you a couple of hundred to go towards making it up to you.

Good luck!

Well ladies , thank you for helping to polish my balls, I had the chat tonight and I don't know if he just didn't think or cane to expect but he's going to pay half each week on the shopping bill, I'm hoping this comes off and continues I have said he he can't then I won't be able to have a meal for him everyday... so time will tell..
As for the books, each week I submit his invoice to his boss but that's no biggy for me it's a date/invoice change and amount that's all my involvement.

Thank you for giving me your views it's really really helped me to have the chat... x

If it’s so simple to submit the invoice I do wonder why he doesn’t do it. I hope he pays op but please don’t spend even another 20 minutes thinking will he give me some? Let’s see, he will see the fridge and know I’ve been shopping... so incredibly passive! Learn from tonight and open your mouth and say something accurate and clear. So not skirting the truth: i’m a bit skint this week’, not something fluffy and faffy: ‘it would be a huge favour’, or ‘if it’s alright with you’ ... shopping was 160 , could you transfer 80 by tonight.

@timeisnotaline your post has given me red cheeks that is so me , I always fluff it up because I'm embarrassed, but I feel I've made headway (I hope) I shall keep you all posted and hey shall I shop at Waitrose and not Lidl this week 😂, as for the invoice he hasn't got a computer so I'm not fussed about that it takes 5 mins, and I'll help where I can . I need some of your directness, thank you 👍🏻

I honestly don't understand why he should pay half of your shopping bill, for you and your three children just because he eats with you a few nights a week. I think you are a CF to demand that,

If you want to keep the relationship going, TALK TO HIM. Put your embarrassment to one side. Hiding stuff like that can break a relationship all by itself.

He's likely going to be shocked and might go defensive in an "well you never told me" way, due to his own embarrassment. Work through it and come to an arrangement. But TALK.

Oh bugger - xposted from opening the tab earlier! Glad you followed throught :)

@Alfie190 I demanded nothing!! , I have ask for a contribution toward food , his decision to go half I feed him and his ds , give me your address I'll plate you one up too if you like

@SpoonBlender thank you , great advice 🙂

@feelingcrap1 nice response to Alfie190's snidey post you really are finding your voice.
There's been a few threads like this recently where the OP's been told to view it as the cocklodger partner is taking the food out of your children's mouths. He has been, you know, and that should really make you angry.

@feelingcrap1 you just slipped back into your old ways replying to Alfie190...charge her for the bloody cooking, plate & delivery costs lol

@Flowerpot2005 😂😂😂😂 oh yeah 😂😂

Talk to him tell him your finding it hard and that he is going to have to help pay for food,what he says to u will show u what he is like.dont struggle,it isnt fair on u x