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Original poster

How to talk..

34 replies

TeamSpirit · 03/12/2018 10:10

I havent said anything to my husband yet, as I am not sure if I am being boring or not- but how do your men talk about sex if they are "in the mood"?

Much nice can be said about my husband, but it is irrelevant as I want response to only that.

My husband act like a teenager, I think. Yesterday I spilled food on my shirt, went to change and he said something like "oohh, get over here, I need some of that" - or singing "sit on my faaaaace, and tell me that you loooooove me", or "you just bend over babe, let me show you I love you".

Ok - I better tell anyway, how he is besides this! - very respective of me, does his turn of all housework, and more - I do all financial decisions, very tactile, romantic etc - but it turns me SO MUCH off, as I feel like a hole in a doll.

Is it normal? How do I approach? Usually he get a strained smile or I ignore him, but he doesnt seem to get it. Once or twice I mentioned it, he say it is just for fun, doesnt mean much, other than he love me and my body (put on 20 kg since met him 10 years ago) and I dont want to hurt his feelings. But he is hurting mine, now, as I think it is vulgar and a bit offensive as I feel degraded to a sex mashine.

Advice? Opinions?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeamSpirit · 03/12/2018 13:01

Anyone? Flowers

OP posts:
booboo24 · 03/12/2018 13:21

If he's respectful normally I'd take this as playful and it wouldn't bother me. Mine says things like that sometimes (& worse) but always with a twinkle in his eye and a blatant laugh too so it's not meant smutily and it is usually said when there's no chance of it happening, for instance stood in his parents kitchen where he knows he'll get a reaction from me!! He treats me with a huge amount of genuine respect though and I know he loves me for me so it's no big deal. If it bothers you it bothers you though, and only you know what the relationship is like as a whole

windowWAG · 03/12/2018 14:58

It's just what men do. Short of formally putting in a form requesting sex what else are you supposed to do than have a bit of smutty fun with it.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/12/2018 15:04

I think you say "have you any idea how much of a turn off that talk is? It makes me feel devalued and disrespected. Please stop".

MargoLovebutter · 03/12/2018 15:05

Has he always been like that and said that kind of stuff? If he has, then to some extent you knew what you were letting yourself in for and if you suddenly start telling him now that it is a massive turn off, he's going to wonder where you are coming from.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/12/2018 15:05

It really doesn't matter whether it would bother anyone else, it bothers the OP. She doesn't like it.

Snowwontbelong · 03/12/2018 15:09

Tbf the sit on your face sing is hilarious!!
Grin
Dh would never say anything, he just patiently enquires whether he has any chance or suggests a back rub. ...

Original poster
TeamSpirit · 03/12/2018 21:58

He did it again and i said it made me feel bad, like his wiew on me was "all tits and ass" - apparantly i have no humour. He hadnt talked to me since.
I get that nobody like critisism, but the way he shut the subject down - sorry, didnt mean to hurt you, didnt know i wasnt allowed to make jokes" and that was end of diskussion, pisses me off. Usually i take first step to make up, when he is "hurt" but i dont today. Had a glass of wine and box of christmas candy. He went to bed.
Am i wrong in my way to adress it? I was friendly and calm and only said that i didnt like it, it made me feel bad..

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Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 06:48

I asked him this morning why he was so silent, he say it is because he is sad that i critizise him, that i see him "that way". And that he apologized and i "kept going on" the next day. (Meaning this morning, when i asked why he was so silent) then he left for work. Should i not have said anything? He dont take critic well i know, but i said it the nicest way i could.. what would you do now?

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booboo24 · 04/12/2018 07:01

He's possibly embarrassed and a bit humiliated with him saying he's sad you see him that way.

I'd try and forget it now, treat him normally when he gets in, and hopefully it can be forgotten (but he'll remember you don't like being spoken to like that)

Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 07:07

Thank you for your reply. I have had really lousy relationships in the past and i see ghosts everywhere. Especially when he gets silent and a bit cold..

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BitOutOfPractice · 04/12/2018 07:58

So now he's sulking and trying to make you feel guilty for telling him how you feel. He first sound great to be honest.

Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 08:04

Im not sure. He say he is sad that i see him that way and that i keep going on about it. - as in i asked him this morning why he was silent. He usually get sad/silent when i tell him something hurt me. I feel it is to make me not do it again but as a poster say - he might be embarresed? I dont know. Which is why i dont know how to proceed. I wish we could have a conversation about it, but he think there is no more to talk about as he apologized and wont do it again.

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PolytheneSam · 04/12/2018 08:31

Ask yourself How would you like him to communicate it to you and then tell him that this is how you'd best respond to his advances.

Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 08:39

Not sure i understand. I approached it very friendly and very calm. After kids asleep and all that. I would have liked a conversation about it, why he say those things, what they meen to him etc. To understand and maby dissolve the feelings i get. But he just cut it short, sorry wont do it again and then - silence. I tried to talk about other stuff, half an hour Later and all i got was yes/no replies. Apparently because he was hurt. What would you do now? I can pretend all is good and eventually he will be ok again, but why? Did i really do something wrong in pointing out i didnt like it?

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Dirtybadger · 04/12/2018 08:39

To be honest it sounds like he is trying his hardest to say what he wants (with humour) but is being a little sloppy with it and just not hitting the mark whatsoever for you. The slightly OTT boyishness of it may just be to make it into "a joke" so that it isn't such a big deal if you reject him (because he was "just kidding").

You have told him you don't like it, but I would suggest you tell him how you would like him to initiate with you. What language do you want? Because currently he doesn't know. Some people would like his approach, but you don't, so let him know what you would receive more positively so he can do that confidently. Just having "don't do that" can be hard to hear and feel very critical (especially if you're also told it makes the other person who you care about feel bad about themself). Let him know what you prefer

Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 08:45

To be honest, we have had a hard time, finding time, and we sort of now just agree that " tonight is the night" mostly 2 - 3 times a week, unless a week with lots going on - as in the last week. Besides, he say it is not to initiate sex, but to be funny and kind of telling me he finds me attractive. Im sure he really want more sex - 5- 6 times a week, i really think once or twice a week is plenty. Been together 9 years, having 2 kids living here, 10 and 15 years old.
I really appreciate all your replies.. thank you all.

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Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 09:44

Should i apologize for hurting his feelings? I hate this silence and i know when he come home, he will be polite but quiet. And i hate it. Usually i just ignore and go on talking about stuff untill he snap out of it. But i honestly dont know if i should now, as it annoys me i cant say something bother me.

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Babdoc · 04/12/2018 09:56

I think a lot of people find it difficult and embarrassing trying to initiate sex, and humour is one way of coping. If your DH is usually respectful and non sexist, then his jokey approaches are probably an affectionate way of showing he fancies you, and allow you a similarly light hearted way to push him away if you’re not in the mood.
I think it’s a bit sad that you find his jokey compliments offensive, although of course your feelings matter, and you’re entitled to make him stop it.
Why don’t you tell him what approach you DO like, OP? Should he make an advance application in writing, with a choice of timings, or a polite verbal request, or use a code word?!

busybarbara · 04/12/2018 10:07

You don't seem to be giving him any sort of guidance. Most people become partners because it allows a sense of humour to open up in communications that you just can't have with a stranger. So if you're just shutting him down he's going to start treating you like a friend rather than a partner and you don't want to go down that road. Tell him positively what you like, not that you think he's a bad person

Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 10:14

I never said he was a bad person - and i really did expect us to have a grown diskussion- as i know it is me who has a problem. But he shut me down, before we got any further, with his "sorry wont do it again". I really would like to have a debate and to understand more of him - and me - and find common ground. But he was hurt and ended the conversation. And i dont know how to proceed. What would you do now?

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Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 14:06

Well i apologized. Nothing back.thanks again.

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BitOutOfPractice · 04/12/2018 16:09

He doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect your boundaries. He doesn't respect your legitimate feelings. He doesn't respect your opinion. He doesn't even respect you enough to have a grown up conversation with you. Ugh.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/12/2018 16:10

Why the hell did you apologise? To keep the peace? Do you find yourself walking on eggshells often op? Do you let him have his own way because you worry how he'll react?

Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 16:17

He js home now. Still dont get my "need to critizice" and me not respecting he is hurt when i do so. He need space because i am so hurtfull and angry - i really am speaking soooo nice, as i know him. But he think his reply yesterday was fine - he apologized and wont do it again, so what more do i want?? Then he left to cook dinner.. what the fuck am i going to do? He is so hurt (???!) And need space to process how i think of him. Yep. All about him.

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