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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to talk..

34 replies

TeamSpirit · 03/12/2018 10:10

I havent said anything to my husband yet, as I am not sure if I am being boring or not- but how do your men talk about sex if they are "in the mood"?

Much nice can be said about my husband, but it is irrelevant as I want response to only that.

My husband act like a teenager, I think. Yesterday I spilled food on my shirt, went to change and he said something like "oohh, get over here, I need some of that" - or singing "sit on my faaaaace, and tell me that you loooooove me", or "you just bend over babe, let me show you I love you".

Ok - I better tell anyway, how he is besides this! - very respective of me, does his turn of all housework, and more - I do all financial decisions, very tactile, romantic etc - but it turns me SO MUCH off, as I feel like a hole in a doll.

Is it normal? How do I approach? Usually he get a strained smile or I ignore him, but he doesnt seem to get it. Once or twice I mentioned it, he say it is just for fun, doesnt mean much, other than he love me and my body (put on 20 kg since met him 10 years ago) and I dont want to hurt his feelings. But he is hurting mine, now, as I think it is vulgar and a bit offensive as I feel degraded to a sex mashine.

Advice? Opinions?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 16:19

I told him i wanted to speak about it - why he say it, what does he want from it, how it makes me feel and how tp proceed, together. And he say - fine. Speak. And dont get why i tgink it is the wrong atmosphere, as i clearly had the oppertunity.. fucker. With fuck on. Ok i am getting angry..

OP posts:
Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 17:50

Well the quiet continues and im starting to believe it might be me. I said the wrong thing, in the wrong tone, in the wrong time, in the wrong day. I might even have had the wrong socks on, while saying it..
We can never ever talk about any issues with him and me, without getting shut down with quikly say sorry wont do it again - and then 1-2 days of him hurting and being quiet. I so hate it, so yes usually i just talk about stuff so he snap out.. i guess i might as well now, as i have absolutely no clue what else to do..

OP posts:
Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 17:52

For context, this Happens once every other month, circa, and the rest of the time he is attentive, hard working and a good friend. But if i raise a subject that remotely taste of critisism, his world fall apart and he gets soo hurt. And shut me out of his heart and go polite and quiet..

OP posts:
toddman70 · 04/12/2018 18:32

May I ask How old are you 2?

Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 18:40

47 and 54

OP posts:
Original poster
TeamSpirit · 04/12/2018 18:42

He was with the same woman when he was 17 undtil 3 years before he met me. I never had lasting relationships before.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/12/2018 18:47

Hi OP, you've had some strange responses on this thread, not sure why.

You're not doing anything wrong by telling him how you feel about his comments - it's better that you tell him rather than put up with it and let it affect the way you feel about him in the long run.

Him giving you the silent treatment is not a good way of him handling his emotions, and can be emotionally abusive. I'm not getting the impression overall that it's a bad/abusive relationship tho, so it might be worth considering relationship counselling together to work on communication between you? If he shuts down whenever he feels criticised, it's not really a healthy response and he could do with learning some strategies for resilience - does he shut down at work like this if things go badly or with other family members? But talking things through with a counsellor together might be useful.

Benjaminbuttonschild · 04/12/2018 20:34

Sounds more like a lack of communication on his part OP. Seems like he doesn't know how to take criticism in anyway and reach a resolution. The stuff your partner says would absolutely put me off. I left a relationship just recently and my ex did exactly as the behaviour you're describing here. The smutty comments and begging for sex (and that was the tip of a very big iceberg).

Seriously you need to make him see that it's not all about him and that it turns you off being spoken to like that. I don't understand what you apologised for. So he gets to disrespect you but you can't tell him you don't like his behaviour. Nothing worse than childish blokes.

Original poster
TeamSpirit · 05/12/2018 10:16

Thank you again for your replies, they really help me.
We talked a bit last night, he say this is who he is and he has a hard time speaking of things involving him and critizism - his solution is to hurry to apologize, say he wont do it again, and then he need time to collect himself again. He cant "go on and on" about it, and he is sorry he dont live up to my expectations.
I dont know how to proceed. He is a good husband in most other ways and we have a good life. I loose my desire for sex with him if i dont feel connected to him - as in this episode - but tough. I am not manipulative, i think (?) - but why should i put in the effort to be close his way if he cant be arsed to be close my way?
Anyway, that is how it is right now. He is sorry for his lack of kommunikation skills and i am sorry i take some distance from him..

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