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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No point to life

37 replies

Itsallpointless · 03/12/2018 03:08

I have spent the day with my family at my Dads. My adult children/partners, my sister/husband and my brother/wife. Then me, just me. I am alone surrounded by people who have fulfilled lives, and a significant other. People who have other more important people in their lives than me. I leave feeling alone and hopeless, worthless, as everyone has a life to go home to, and I go home to me, nothing and no one else just me.

I recently split from my partner, which was my decision, the relationship was so wrong. Friends are thin on the ground, family wrapped up in their own lives. I go out as much as I can (meet-up) I’m very proactive, but I feel there’s no point in living without someone who makes life worth living. I’m just ‘filling time’.

As much as I make myself do stuff, I feel I want to withdraw from everything and everyone. I’m jealous of people who have a ‘special’ relationship. I don’t begrudge them at all, I just wish I had it myself. I feel totally insignificant. After all these years on this planet, I have very little to show for it, and I don’t mean material or financial wealth.

Does anyone else feel this way? I’m finding it difficult to cope.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 03/12/2018 03:19

You’re being far too hard on yourself. You’ve just left a relationship and at a festive time of the year. I’d be stunned if it was all sunshine and roses. Cut yourself a little slack. My life has just nose dived. Not going to reel off all my woes but I’ve recently lost pretty much everything, I’m posting this as I’m lying on the floor.

Be patient. Things always do get better. Just be a little patient with yourself. Focus less on what everyone else is doing, instead do the things that make you happy. Go to the theatre. Enjoy a decent bottle of vino. Watch your favourite film whilst snacking on an epic sized box of chocolates. Whatever makes you feel good.

You’ll get there!

Original poster
Itsallpointless · 03/12/2018 03:28

maximum thank you so much for that message, when clearly, things are not good for youFlowers

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 03/12/2018 03:38

Hey, any time Grin

I like to think life isn’t all bad. Always a bright, warm sun behind every cloud. For instance I think sleeping on the floor is doing a power of good for my back. Wink

Flowerpot2005 · 03/12/2018 03:41

I agree with maximum, you need to be kinder to yourself.

It's hard getting life back on track when it's only you & I know what you mean about having someone to share it with. That said, you're just out of a relationship so give yourself space to breathe for a bit & get over it. Those feelings need to be dealt with first. Then start thinking about what next.

Abi47 · 03/12/2018 03:46

It can feel overwhelming. There have been times I've thought I can't cope and felt alone. I suppose advice is to try to find enjoyment in little things you do, confide in someone you trust about how you are feeling. Try to reconnect with people. You are not alone. Rebuild slowly and try to plan some things you will enjoy

Sally2791 · 03/12/2018 03:55

It's natural to feel down in your situation, I think a key factor is how long it's been going on. Well done for getting out and about, I agree that indulging yourself and trying to enjoy being able to do whatever suits you is a good plan. But do visit your GP /seek counselling if your sense of emptiness continues. It may sound trite but the act of reflecting on what good things that you do have can be beneficial to your state of mind. Eg I will lie in bed and remind myself that I have a roof over my head, we have all eaten today, we are not living in a war zone, I have a job etc etc. I read somewhere that the act of seeking out things to be appreciative of is a mood enhancer. Really hope you are feeling better soon

Original poster
Itsallpointless · 03/12/2018 04:00

maximum now that’s positive thinkingGrin

flower yes I feel like I’m never going to get back on track. I also feel it’s too late to have anyone to share it with, spent way too much time in my last relationship.

abi I wouldn’t say I was a negative person, but I feel very negative at the moment. This time of year doesn’t help, it just makes me even more sad. Rebuilding does take time I know, I just want to feel like someone cares about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsallpointless · 03/12/2018 04:05

sally it isn’t trite, you are correct, and I am aware of those things. I’m in self pity mode, and indulging in negativity. Poor sleep doesn’t help my mood either. I’m going to write down some reflections and things I am grateful for. Thank you..

OP posts:
CaveDivingbelle · 03/12/2018 06:17

It's hard OP isn't it. You have to see it a little like a bereavement and acknowledge you are going to feel pretty dire for quite some time. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. There are a lot of people like you, you're not alone.Flowers

Angrybird345 · 03/12/2018 06:19

Finishing a relationship is seriously hard, regardless of the reasons, so it’s natural that you’re feeling drained and down, so don’t beat yourself up, it will get better.

Original poster
Itsallpointless · 03/12/2018 07:19

cave angry thing is, though it was my decision, and I’m not heartbroken, nobody actually sees that my life is so empty. They just see the usual big strong me carrying on. I’m just a mess, I really am and must do something about it.

I’m already bereaved too, having lost my dear sister last year, I miss her so much.

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 03/12/2018 07:23

Expectation and comparison are harsh mistresses and tear you up inside. It's true there is no "point" to life, even the most successful businessperson will die and the planet will eventually go dark. But life is there to be lived and if we get stuck in the past or only worry about the future we're not living our life. When I feel like this I do some mindful meditation as I walk and enjoy being in the world.

Original poster
Itsallpointless · 03/12/2018 07:57

showme ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ I know this too well, but it is very very difficult not to make comparisons. I don’t do any social media, as I know this is the worst offender, but I still seem to encounter ‘solid’ people, with hosts of support, in that respect I can’t help to compare, however, I’m also aware I’m doing it.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 03/12/2018 08:09

I wouldn’t pay much mind to people who appear ‘solid’. We never know what goes on behind closed doors. That guy with the massive mansion, debt up to his eyeballs. That woman who has it all? Being abused. There aren’t many people who live spotless, perfect lives.

Focus on your life and what makes you happy. The world can swivel.

RyderWhiteSwan · 03/12/2018 08:16

Focus on your life and what makes you happy. The world can swivel

Excellent advice!

pallasathena · 03/12/2018 08:31

It's the time of year OP.
This too shall pass.
Meanwhile, really look around you. Not everyone is as happy as they appear.

PottyPotterer · 03/12/2018 08:38

I think you're looking at other people's relationships through rose tinted glasses. I'm the only single woman in my family, happily so i should add. We have a big family party on Christmas Eve, now I know that one of the couple's have cheated on each other, one is a marriage of convenience and 2 others consist of controlling partners. I'll be going home to my lovely peaceful home and they'll be going home to argue. Now if you checked their social media they would seem 'solid'. Husbands, good jobs, loads of friends etc but as family I've seen the ugly side of their lives and it's not something I'd ever aspire to. There are so many positives to being a single woman.

ritzbiscuits · 03/12/2018 08:44

Only my opinion, but I wouldn't take everyone else's relationship as perfect at face value, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

I look 'happily married' and I'd rather be on my own half the time!

Agree with other posters that it's early days since your break up, and this time of year is classic for bringing you down. Write a massive self care list and try to do something every day just for you.

Catherine Gray is about to bring out 'The Unexpected Joy of Being Single' book for new year. Her sober one was fantastic so could be worth a read x

sandgrown · 03/12/2018 08:45

I really struggled the first Christmas after my husband left me and DC for a friend . I accepted all invites and ended up having a short Christmas "fling" which really made me feel better. After a couple of failed relationships I met DP when I was 43 and had a " surprise" baby at 45. It's never too late for life to change. Spoil yourself and enjoy the freedom for now .

Original poster
Itsallpointless · 04/12/2018 07:06

Thank you all for your positive comments. I don’t take things at face value, and I’m aware that it’s not always as it seems, it’s just me and these feelings I have about myself. What kind of person am I, that I’m late fifties and don’t have an established ‘network’ of friends etc around me. Where have those years gone and what do I have to show for them?

I’m full of self loathing but I know I must stop it. This is all about me, my self esteem is non existent, I feel terribly alone, and I just want to stop these feelings.

I hate this time of year, and I don’t want to, I want to embrace it, but it makes me so sad.

OP posts:
Sequinsofcourse · 04/12/2018 07:22

You sound lovely Op despite being down on yourself, the fact that you are not standing for crap is something that you should be really proud of.

I'm lying here miserable and this thread has made me realise that I have lots to be grateful for and I need to stop the woe is me

Wrongwayup · 04/12/2018 07:29

My life has spectacularly fallen apart over the last 2 years and I hate this time of year so am buggering off abroad on the 21st. Luckily can afford to. I have spent my life from 13 on being expected to look after others and realise I have created an image to the world of strength and ability to cope. But that is all it is. An image. Suspect you have also done that. No idea what to do though

Sequinsofcourse · 04/12/2018 07:33

And I ditto what you say so you're not alone. I don't have a network of friends either and wonder what happened there. It does seem that everyone is having a great time. A kind of friend of mine is so busy she can't meet with me all of December!!

I guess it's about small steps to improving your self-esteem. As a pp said you must be kind to yourself, treat yourself. Are you able to join any groups?

SantaBabycharly · 04/12/2018 07:36

Hi
Lots of people feel the way you do.
You think you are alone but you’re not .
A lot of people can put on a facade of happiness and oh their relationship is bliss .
That is not always real .
Sometimes the evil monkey on your shoulder talks louder than anything else .
You have to try to not listen to it .
It is hard .
The monkey wins sometimes.
( with me , a lot of times, haha )

Windycindy · 04/12/2018 08:18

As much as I make myself do stuff, I feel I want to withdraw from everything and everyone. I’m jealous of people who have a ‘special’ relationship. I don’t begrudge them at all, I just wish I had it myself. I feel totally insignificant. After all these years on this planet, I have very little to show for it, and I don’t mean material or financial wealth.

I would listen to your desire to withdraw from everything and everyone. Imagine doing it. What purpose would it serve?