Ultimatum - but how can I leave?

[Feb18]

(I'm sorry if this is fragmented. I've tried to keep it short but keep relevant info)

Firstly, I know that we are to blame for having a baby too early into our relationship (unplanned), before we knew each other properly, and although I love our DD I deeply regret this situation we're in.
DP no longer wants to be with me but is trapped in the relationship because of DD. He hasn't explicitly said this but alluded to it, and his attitude towards me is often not nice. I'm miserable tbh - I want the relationship to work but obviously I can't force him to love me.
I've given him an ultimatum which is basically be nicer to me or I leave (taking DD with me). I feel so pathetic begging my DP to be nice to me. It's a conversation I have with him almost weekly but he doesn't grasp that his attitude towards me is mean, he says its banter (hate that word!) and then calls me a baby or gets annoyed that I'm initiating an argument.
I'm so unbelievably unhappy in this relationship which I would have ended if it wasn't for DD.
But how can I leave? She is only 10 weeks old and he adores her. If I left I would move to my family home which is a 3hr drive away. He works very long hours (70+/week - which contributes to his foul mood) and sleeps through most of his days off, so even if I drove every weekend for him to see her he would likely be asleep. I never ever want to disconnect DD with her father - do I just suck it up and leave him but still stay close ie within the city? I live in a very expensive part of England and would not be able to afford the rent without him. Plus we are contractually tied into our house until 2020. But I feel like I would need the support of my family who are 3 hours away.
So my options are:

1. Continue this sham relationship for the sake of DD and his relationship with her.
2. Leave DP but stay local by utilising benefits (which I've not looked into yet but I doubt would cover enough for rent here). I would also be expected to pay the rent on our current house until 2020.
3. Leave DP and move to my family 3 hours away where I would not (initially...) have to pay rent, and also benefit from their support system. However DD would rarely see her dad, which breaks my heart.

I really hate all of these options and I'm devastated it has come to this but I know it's our own fault. What would you do?

3 definitely.
Your daughter will benefit from you having the emotional and financial support, more than she will growing up believing that your example of a relationship is what relationships should look like.
Baring in mind it’s him that wants to end your relationship anyway I doubt he’ll be too surprised if you wanted to move back to family. It at least should have crossed his mind. It’ll be up to him then how often he sees his daughter but with the amount he works anyway he won’t have a particularly high amount of input regardless of where you’re located.

1. X100

The sooner the better Long term this situation isn’t sustainable and if he was so desperate to be with his daughter you think he’d managed to half pleasant to you when you are trying to make it work. Your daughter is so young, you are who she primarily needs now and your mental health and family support is going to be much more valuable than the input of a man who makes her mother feel like shit.

Also remember You have a new born now but in 2 years things can and will look totally different. You aren’t ruining their relationship forevereer
His job sounds totally incompatible with parenting even if you stayed locally And if he loves your DD that much maybe he could relocate to your family’s town 🤷‍♀️

1. You know it too. DD wouldn't want Mum to live a miserable life just because she came along.

Get yourself back home to where you have support. Her dad can sort things out.

Maybe he will prioritise his life and work schedule. This is his chance to prove he's not a total arse.

My DH children moved over 6 hours away and despite crazy amounts of hours at work he still made the journey every other weekend there and back 4 times to have a day & half with them

1. Totally agree.

Can You give an example though of what he says

Are you sure you're not knackered for having a ten year old

Other posters suggesting taking a baby 3 hours for his dad before we've heard what the dad has said?

Week sorry, not year

Move back for family support
You say he adores DD but he can’t see her much if he is at work or asleep
If you tell him you are going it may give him the opportunity to make some lifestyle changes so he can parent his DD

3 is your only option. You must put yourself and baby first and not worry about him.

Thank you all for your replies, I really needed validation that number 3 is the right choice.

@bigchris I'm sure he's unpleasant because he's knackered from work but not from having a 10 week old as he sleeps in the spare room and has never helped with settling her at night (she's EBF so not much he can do there but has probably changed approx 8 nappies in all this time). An example of his unpleasantness is his silencing of me. E.g I ask him if he'd like to go Xmas shopping he replies with 'sh'. I asked him if he'd like to get up today at 2pm and he told me to fuck off.

I'm desperately hoping this ultimatum will give him a kick up the bum and start showing me some respect but I think I know really that people don't change.

Yes go to your family. He can travel to see your baby as she is too young to be travelling. You probably will, initially have to have him at your parents house seeing baby is so tiny. Then ye can change the situation when she is older.
The support of your family will be invaluable provided they are a regullar sort of family and make you welcome. Your dps family will also need to see the baby but all that can be worked out as ye go along. I presume if you move out your dp will either pay the rent himself or get a lodger and he also needs to support his baby.

You chose to have a child so you owe her to give her the best and that includes making sacrifices for her well-being, that includes insuring that she can build a relationship with her father. As such I think you need to look into moving out but staying local.

If its expensive, then HB will be higher so you should still be able to afford it. Raising a child alone is hard but many do it. In many ways it won't be that different if your OH is working such long hours anyway. Being close to family would be great for you but not your baby as it will make it almost impossible to build a lasting bond with her father. 3 hours is too much to travel and at that age, contact needs to be very regular to become lasting.

It will be hard but trust me, one day you'll look back and knowing that you've done everything to support your daughter have a close bond with her dad impacting on her becoming a happy and well balanced teenager and adult will be priceless and worth all the sacrifices.

Number 3 without a doubt. By the way, if you take option 3 then don’t you do all the driving. A friend of mine had this situation. She moved to family 3 hours away and the court ordered 50/50 travelling.

Pack your bags. Get your shoes on and get Into your car and fuck right off (don't scorch the earth you do have a baby) but you get the jist. Be do honest with.your family about what you have endured even down to begging him to be nice. Explain you need space and yeah honesty with them so help you. Good luck

Option 3 without a doubt. He's horrible to you.

Option 3. If he wants to maintain a relationship with his DD, then he will do it no matter what the distance. Think of yourself and your baby. He may be working 70 odd hours a week, but that's his choice, whether it is necessity or not. There are ways round these things. Staying trapped in a relationship for the sake of the baby is not going to do any good at all. Lean on your family for support and you will get through this. Don't let him guilt you into staying!

I hope you're already packing. No pleading, no explaining, no more ultimatums, he's not listening, he doesn't care, it doesn't sound like he even likes you any more. The separation may bring him to his senses, it may not. But at least you and your baby will be out of that toxic atmosphere.

Option 3. I don't know why you're overthinking it. It's better to go now while DD is too young to know anything about it, rather than leave it til she's old enough to know what's going on. As for the rent, he can pay it. You won't have the money anyway.

Oh lovey, this is no life. Just pack your things and leave. Your dd will grow up in a loving family instead of the poisonous situation you are in now.

Plus being 10 weeks old, she'll not know any different to a life where she doesn't live with her dad.

Better now, than later.

3

Keep the options open for contact and maintaining a relationship but he sounds like an arse who will make very little effort

1. Insist you have relationship counselling as a couple before making a decision.. Having a new baby disrupts any relationship. At least then you can say you both gave it your best shot if you can't resolve things.

Option 3. If your DP is either at work or sleeping most of the time he's not going to see DD much anyway so I wouldn't sacrifice my support network just for that. Time with DD isn't just about him physically living in the same house. Chances are he and DD will actually spend more quality time together if you do move away and he does make the effort to see her. And if he doesn't bother...well it'll show you that you made the right decision.

He sounds beyond vile, that is not a good atmosphere to raise any child in OP, you must know that, he does not need to be nasty just because he's tired, that's bullshit.

Get organised and get away from him, you need to be a happy mum so your daughter can be happy too, let him work out the logistics of seeing his daughter, he sounds crap as a father too.

Option 3.

Go to your parents. Today. Right now.

It doesn't need to be forever, it might shock your DP into realising what he's on the brink of losing.

Please go to your family for support.