Feel worthless. Dreading Christmas.

[Rainydays84]

Just as the subject says...

At present I feel Worthless, weak and confused. I know what I need to say to myself, but I just can’t see it, I can’t overcome how I feel.

Background: I was with my ex 7 years, I loved him so much. But we suffered 6 late mc’s, I was devastated. One Christmas, I suspected something was going on. I was 8weeks pregnant with my last pregnancy. After following him on Christmas Eve, I walked into a pub to find him sat there all over a heavily pregnant OW. My heart sank, I asked what was going on and his reply was... I was going to tell you after Christmas. I asked him to make a choice, his exact words “I’m staying with OW as my baby won’t die” I was mortified, it took every last inch of my strength to walk out the pub and go home. Them words have alway rung in my head. A few days later I mc.

After we split, I realised what an arse he was and that I wasn’t in love with him as madly as I thought, it was the idea of a family I loved the most.

But I spent Christmas alone, crying. And the next Christmas, and Christmas after that.

4years later, after lots of fertility testing, dealing with the news that I would never have a child, counciling, antidepressants... I met my current DP. I was in a good place in my life with my thoughts, home, finances, career.

Things have been great for the last 2 1/2 years. He has DC, and overtime we have become a family. We have been on some amazing holidays, done some amazing things and have been there through ups and downs of each other’s lives. We never argue, have similar interests, love each other’s family and friends, work interests, support each other. He is my soul mate, and I know this isn’t only the family life I love, but him as a person.

But recently he says that he doesn’t want to be with me. There is no OW this time, I’ve done all the usual checks, and am aware of the behaviour changes. He says he hates himself, as he has an amazing woman, who he thought would become his wife, but he just can’t see it anymore and doesn’t understand why. He cry’s every time I try and talk to him, it’s made home life misserable.

He has said we should wait until after Christmas, before any decision on our future is made? But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to wait. Firstly great I’m aware my life is about to come crashing down, but I think I would rather not know. I hate Christmas, because of the reason above. I’ve been there lost everything at Christmas before, and I just feel like it’s repeating on me.

I feel worthless. I feel like I’m a worthless parent, because I can’t become one. I feel worthless as a partner, because whatever I do is never good enough. I feel worthless as an employee, as everything that is going on is effecting my work.

I’ve lost most (if not all) of my close friends over the years, all for separate reasons. Which also makes me feel worthless as a friend.

I’m so lost... I’m so sorry for the essay.

of course you aren't worthless.
unfortunately the people you met were worthless. especially the first one you found out in the pub, such a horrible man.
dont let anything affect you to think like that.
believe in yourself.
if i were you i would send away your current one, dont wait till after Christmas. Christmas with him would be a torture of all sorts. instead arrange yourself somewhere nice to go.
enjoy your life, dont make it miserable because of these worthless men.

Don't know what to say to you, but your story is so sad. I feel for you.
You've been through so much. The only comfort I can offer is that I've discovered (through personal experience) that going through hard times and having to pick yourself up makes you stronger. Sounds like you've had more than your fair share though op. Please don't feel worthless, clearly you are not. All I can offer you is a virtual hug. xx

You aren't worthless OP. You need to gather together your self respect and chuck out your partner. Don't let him torture you any longer or keep stringing you along. If he wants to end the relationship then best that he go now and leave you to have Christmas in peace. Take some time out for yourself and discover freedom as a single woman.

@bluebell34567
Thank you.
I know it would be torture. I’m in so many minds of what to do. I packed a bag earlier, sat in my car on the drive and was going to leave. But when I realised I had no one, no one to go, and could see through the rain drops of my windscreen him watching me out the window, I broke down and went back inside. We spoke, he cried, he said he hates himself as much as I hate this situation.
I would love to go away for Christmas, but I’ve no where to go, no money (as we’ve just recently invested everything we had into a new home) and no one to go with.
I feel like I’ve spent most of my life being miserable, and not happy. I had my dream life, and everything seems to be dissolving into thin air.

@cherrygirl13 thank you. I feel like I’ve no strength to pick myself up anymore, I’ve done it so much in the past. If I can get over what happened 6 years ago, I should be able to overcome this. But I had the life I’ve spent so many miserable years, dreaming of.

@jb291 thank you but does feel like torture. But part of me wants to stay, and make sure I can walk away and say I’ve tried. Plus I don’t know if I can spend another Christmas Day, alone, eating chocolate, with no presents, no love, watching Christmas films with a box of tissues. SDC would be here this year, and I’ve done all the Christmas shopping. So sat there thinking if he liked this, did he play with that... would probably torture me even more.

See I’m even useless as making decisions!

Could it be that your sadness is making him feel the way he does? Not blaming you at all obviously, but men do find it hard to cope with our emotions, they feel helpless. Have you had any medical help for all you've been through? It's a lot for you to cope with without any help, and sometimes a short course of anti-depressants can give you the space you need to think more clearly about your future, or if you don't like the idea of taking them, maybe try to get some counselling? You are bound to feel the way you do coping with all you've gone through.

Wow, you have had a really tough time.

Can your current DP move out? Seeing as he’s the one who wants to end things?

Hi Rainy, I have been Googling to see if I could find somewhere inexpensive you could get away to. I don't know where you are but there are women's Bhuddist retreats such as Taraloka in Shropshire which run courses over Christmas. The booking fee is about £80 there and you just pay what you can afford to on top of that at the end of the retreat. It looks like their Christmas one is fully booked but you can go on a waitlist. There must be others in the UK. I think I would want to take back some control, leave him and get away if at all possible.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Try to get through the next ten seconds, then the next, then the next etc. It won't feel this awful forever sweetheart.

That is such a sad story - your previous relationship. This situation sounds horrible also but as someone who suffered from chronic depression, your DP seems depressed. Is this a possibility? Have you discussed it?

I'm so sorry OP. You are in a terrible place right now and I can only imagine what you're going through. I don't think its fair to wait until after Xmas. The decent thing would be for him to leave now and sort out the long term plans after Xmas.
Please do not feel worthless. Your first bloke was a horrible person who did not deserve you and you are well rid of him. Its so very sad that you can't have children but that, also, is NOT your fault.
Try to remember what you have achieved and how strong you have been in the past. You got over a horrendous relationship after being cheated on and you picked yourself up after the awful traumas of your miscarriages. You are a strong woman who can get through this too and good things will come to you

BTW, there is no way you are "worthless"! Miscarriages are dreadful and tragic (and I know from personal experience) but they're not something we have any control over! Please don't ever think of yourself as worthless. Relationships can be shite, people let us down, behave appallingly and are too often cruel but none of what you've described could be your "fault", OP!

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.
Most days I don’t feel worthless, but then I have a blip and all my emotions seems to come crashing in on me.
I’ve received support in the past, 4 years of it and I seemed to be in a good place. In that period, before I met my DP. I was told I was fit for the “knackers yard” as I couldn’t have a child, by one guy I was dating. Cheated on again my another, who also went and pursued a mortgage application with his OW before he’d even left my home. Think this is what scares me of being single. As it’s not a nice place, sometimes.

My DP has been my rock. I’ve been fine, not feeling depressed, these thoughts of being worthless where never there. He is kind, loving, supportive and everything I always wanted. Which I why I think it hurts so much why he’s said these things. He says he loves me, and that all the values of why he fell in love me are still there, but for some reason he can’t feel emotion. He had a tough few months; a close relative passed away, trouble with his ex, DC living arrangements / home life, and his best friend committed suicide. I don’t know if this has contributed. I’ve tried talking to him about why, when, what if? He says he doesn’t know the answer to anything, but hates seeing me like this now that he has spoken. Wants to leave it until after Christmas until a decision is made, but I’m on an emotional rollercoaster.
My family are around, but where not close. Not close enough to offer any meaningful advice / support. His family (now living) all live 4hours away, so he can’t go because of DC. My friends all have small DC / DP, so their all busy with family over Christmas.

Thank you @lalotia47 I will have a look. I’m based in the North. Maybe getting away for a few days will help.

I really think you would benefit from seeing a counsellor OP. You’ve been through a lot and you seem to be terrified of being single. You aren’t worthless if you aren’t with a bloke. You seem to be tying up your sense of self worth with what men think of you. You should see somebody professionally to help you understand why you do that. I’ve got lots of single friends who all love their life. You can have a great life outside of men and children. It’s sad that you feel unable to be alone. Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely. It’s better than being with somebody who doesn’t want you. Your current partner sounds like he’s hiding something. Are you sure he’s not cheating?

@cawfee
Thank you for your post. And I do understand where your coming from. I’ve done councilling before and it helped, it’s on my agenda tomorrow to make an appointment. I think my issue with being single, is the whole rejection aspect, having to explain why at 30 your childless and will always will be. My friends all have young DC, plus my relationship with other friends has ended. I love my job, my family life, and that’s what I feel born to do. I’ve tried joining fitness classes, slimming world, other social activities to widen my friendship group, but have always faced rejection or not enjoyed it. Hence why I’m scared of the single life. Meals for one, no washing, household chores, no answering to anyone, may sound like a dream to most. But for me it was / is / will be living hell, of me and my thoughts. Doesn’t help that when I lived alone, I was broken into, so now scared to sleep alone. But yes these are not reasons to stay with someone for the sake of it.
But besides my fear of being single, I do love my DP for genuine reasons. I love laughing, being with someone, doing things together. Which we seem to do. No petty arguments, support in work, finances, life etc. everything that you seem to have with a genuine LTP. I’ve been through his phone (unknowingly) his social media, plus he is good communicator so I know where he is most of the time, I’ve also looked him in the eye and asked him, and he says not.

OP what a lot you’ve been through & just how strong you are (even if you don’t feel like it) is amazing. I really feel for you.

I definately agree with the counselling side, hope you’ve managed to progress with that? I did EMDR therapy which helped me, I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it. But with you mentioning that awful line from you ex ringing in your ears, EMDR helps process the memories into your long term memory. Traumatic events tend to stay in your short term memory unfortunately which can trigger things later down the line. I highly recommend.

With your partner do you think he just needs time to reflect? However, I do hope you both find a solution. Sending you hugs & remember you are strong and there is always light at the end of the tunnel 💜

You’re most certainly not worthless. You’ve really had a truly miserable time of things and it’s heart breaking to read. Little wonder your self worth has taken a thrashing and you’ve also met some pretty nasty and unkind men.

It seems your current partner is in a bad place too judging from all the misery he’s been dealing with lately. Perhaps with some counselling and time he’ll be able to overcome his own demons and perhaps have a future with you? If not, well he’s not the only guy out there. And perhaps will give you an opportunity to meet someone who will treat you with the respect and kindness you deserve.

As for Christmas. Well. I sympathise. My relationship of five years has ended and I’ll be spending it alone. She doesn’t officially move out till January but will be spending it with family. I’m not looking forward to this festive season. But I don’t think you should spend it alone. If you can’t spend it with friends or family then perhaps there are local groups you can get involved in. Perhaps even volunteer for some charity work? At this time of year there’s a lot of people who suffer and helping might give you a new sense of purpose?

I hope whatever direction in life you go it ultimately makes you happy. We all deserve a little happiness. Best wishes.

The thing is OP you’re being very black and white about your situation and life isn’t like that. For example you say “having to explain why at 30 you’re childless” to who? You don’t have to explain anything to anybody. You don’t owe anybody any explanations about anything. I think you might benefit from self confidence classes! Also, I’ve got many friends who couldn’t have children themselves but now have a family. Adoption. Surrogacy. IVF with donor eggs and sperm. I’ve got friends who have children but aren’t in a relationship and are very happy. I’m just trying to make you see that you have options and you don’t have to stay in a bad relationship. The friendship thing is trickier. How about living in a house share with a group of girls rather than living on your own? That’s often a good way to make friends. Volunteering? Doing an evening class? Moving to a new area that is more sociable perhaps? There’s limitless options

Thank you everyone. I would look in to EMDR and will ring my councillor today.
I’ve spoken with DP about whether he needs to time, help, counciling. He’s unwilling to do councilling, I think that won’t be helped by his age / masculinity / friendship group. But he does understand this is breaking me, but I don’t want him to stay just to save me.
It’s just seems like our lives are a mess, and we are both emotionally unstable. I don’t want to loose the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I own another property, which is currently rented out. I’m going to dig out the paperwork and see how long is left on their tenancy, so I have an option if needed of somewhere to go.

@cawfee
I’m sorry. I know at present I do have a very black and white / negative view on life, and understand people are worse off than me. I just find whatever route I find, perspective I take, it always backfires on me down the line. I’m trying to be positive but I think the thought of loosing my family life, my DP and DSC is resurfacing old feelings.

Don’t apologise. That’s the thing. You have nothing to apologise to anybody for. You are your own person with the right to your feelings and you don’t have to apologise to anybody for that. Start deciding what you want and owning it and doing it. If your DP is treating you badly and making you feel bad and doesn’t want you then you have a right to feel wanted. Maybe he’s not the right person for you. People in your life should bring you up, not bring you down. You’re still so young! I hadn’t even met my DH at your age.

@cawfee
Thank you for your support.
That’s what I’m trying to do. DP isn’t treating me badly, which kind of makes it worse. If there was an element of hate, selfishness, or disrespect I probably could fine this easier.
One minute I think I can do as he suggests and not make any drastic decisions until after Christmas, that this will be best, as Christmas alone would be horrible. I also think things could change / get better over Christmas when we spend time together, without day to day stress of work etc.

The next minute I think that I can’t cope with knowing it’s all coming crashing down, and just want it to end now. I end up feeling Worthless. I’ve seen so many posts of people waiting till after Christmas to end it with their DP, but their DP is unaware.

The ball is in my court. DP is trying to do the best thing for everyone, but neither of us know what that is. It makes it worse as everything is done, Christmas present bought, even wrapped, house decorations and tree up, DC is excited, Christmas food order placed!

Just wanted to give you a massive hug over the internet.

I hope you know that you are not worthless, even though you feel like that right now.

It will get better - even if it doesn't feel like that right now.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. You sound a lovely person and this all sounds so tough.

Given everything you've said, if I were your friend I'd actually advise you to give him the time he is asking for. He sounds like he's been through an awful lot too, and the fact he says he can't feel anything - I'm not sure that's about you/your relationship; perhaps it's a defense mechanism for all the loss and trauma he has experienced recently. And then that has scared him, suddenly thinking "oh god if I don't feel the same then I must not love her anymore". I actually think you have better chances of you stay by his side, and let him get through his grief. It sounds like he will probably come back to you. It will be hard as he may not be as loving as normal, but if you can see that as a reflection of HIS internal state (his shock, grief, anger) and not a reflection of YOU, that might help you tolerate this.

However, I understand how painful that waiting could be, and causes you distress. I think speaking to your counsellor is a wonderful idea. Have you ever done any mindfulness? The headspace app is great, and might help you find some calm in this tumultuous time.

All in all, if you can find all the strength you can muster for another month or two, and support him selflessly (even though you need loads of support too right now, that hopefully your counsellor can provide), I wonder if in 3 months time everything will be much better for both of you.

OP ..get in your car and drive ..anywhere ..anywhere at all with the radio on.Get out of the claustrophobic atmosphere of home ,This is what I do when I can't think straight.Heaven knows where I could end up but it does give me peace and calm.It also allows you time to think and I promise you it helps to clear the fog in your brain.Turn the phone off and go ...You will come back having been able to breathe and the solutions to your problem might just come to you..its space you need now for a while.It sounds to me like this is one of those times to step back and do nothing...It also sounds like the problem with your partner is he too is buckling under the pressures of life and we always take it out on the ones we love ...we all do,,he needs space too not only to clear his head but to grieve for his recent losses which must be clouding his judgement,From what you have said I personally dont believe he wants it to be over really it just sounds likehe is hurting inside and taking it out on you as he isnt coping.All may not be lost.I send you best wishes and I hope you both find peace.

@sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe I know exactly what you mean about getting in the car. I don’t know how many miles I racked up in the past doing this. DP is out at his hobby tonight, so I’m getting some me time.

I think I’m going to try and stay, until after Christmas. The disruption it would cause to Myself, DP, DC and others around us is too much this close to Christmas (and my birthday), probably easier and more rationale to review it after Christmas. I just hope it gets easier in the meantime. I’ve spoke with a councillor, they have no appointments for a few weeks, so sending me a list of recommendations.

The hardest part is the emotionally seperation, which is what he needs right now. this in turn naturally makes me uneasy, more emotional and in need of more reassurance. All of which I don’t think DP can’t cope with either at the minute, because of his own issues. although he has been brilliant in the past. I just hope we can have a brilliant Christmas, and that things slowly fall back in to place, and the nightmare invisage in the new year, doesn’t become reality.