Just as the subject says...
At present I feel Worthless, weak and confused. I know what I need to say to myself, but I just can’t see it, I can’t overcome how I feel.
Background: I was with my ex 7 years, I loved him so much. But we suffered 6 late mc’s, I was devastated. One Christmas, I suspected something was going on. I was 8weeks pregnant with my last pregnancy. After following him on Christmas Eve, I walked into a pub to find him sat there all over a heavily pregnant OW. My heart sank, I asked what was going on and his reply was... I was going to tell you after Christmas. I asked him to make a choice, his exact words “I’m staying with OW as my baby won’t die” I was mortified, it took every last inch of my strength to walk out the pub and go home. Them words have alway rung in my head. A few days later I mc.
After we split, I realised what an arse he was and that I wasn’t in love with him as madly as I thought, it was the idea of a family I loved the most.
But I spent Christmas alone, crying. And the next Christmas, and Christmas after that.
4years later, after lots of fertility testing, dealing with the news that I would never have a child, counciling, antidepressants... I met my current DP. I was in a good place in my life with my thoughts, home, finances, career.
Things have been great for the last 2 1/2 years. He has DC, and overtime we have become a family. We have been on some amazing holidays, done some amazing things and have been there through ups and downs of each other’s lives. We never argue, have similar interests, love each other’s family and friends, work interests, support each other. He is my soul mate, and I know this isn’t only the family life I love, but him as a person.
But recently he says that he doesn’t want to be with me. There is no OW this time, I’ve done all the usual checks, and am aware of the behaviour changes. He says he hates himself, as he has an amazing woman, who he thought would become his wife, but he just can’t see it anymore and doesn’t understand why. He cry’s every time I try and talk to him, it’s made home life misserable.
He has said we should wait until after Christmas, before any decision on our future is made? But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to wait. Firstly great I’m aware my life is about to come crashing down, but I think I would rather not know. I hate Christmas, because of the reason above. I’ve been there lost everything at Christmas before, and I just feel like it’s repeating on me.
I feel worthless. I feel like I’m a worthless parent, because I can’t become one. I feel worthless as a partner, because whatever I do is never good enough. I feel worthless as an employee, as everything that is going on is effecting my work.
I’ve lost most (if not all) of my close friends over the years, all for separate reasons. Which also makes me feel worthless as a friend.
I’m so lost... I’m so sorry for the essay.