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Relationships

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Original poster

How to talk about ? Erectile dysfunction in a new relationship

48 replies

Seatree1 · 01/12/2018 23:29

So, this is tricky
I’ve been seeing a lovely Guy for a few months now. We really get on well, and I feel that this relationship is really special. However I have a nagging worry over the big subject of Sex!
We are very physical together and he seems very keen, but he often doesn’t have an erection, or he loses it mid session.Ive noticed he doesn’t have an early morning erection. Obviously I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but.....It’s been three months now. He is kind and attentive, and we have a lot of fun together. Sex is important to me, but the last thing I want to do is make him feel worse, especially if his erectile dysfunction is psychological. He is 51 and fit.
I like him so much, and this feels like an Elephant in the corner of the bedroom ( that we are both ignoring )
Any advice please.... I really really like this Guy.

OP posts:

Jsku · 01/12/2018 23:41

I’d give him a benefit of a doubt for another few months...Go with the flow and NOT pay attention to it.
Just let him see that you are not bothered and are supportive.
Show him how to pleasure you in other ways - fingers, toys, lips, anything. ;)

If it doesn’t change after you’ve been at it for 6mo - i’d have a chat. About what you can do to help, or if it’s a ‘normal’ state for him, or if he needs a checkup. Etc

Some people do take a while to fully relax with a new partner. And some men experience a drop of testosterone.
So - if you can wait - wait a bit more

Original poster

Seatree1 · 01/12/2018 23:47

Thanks for the advice, I really want to do the right thing by him. I’ve never heard of a testosterone drop before!. I willbe googling that !

OP posts:

PolkaDoting · 01/12/2018 23:51

Wait 6 months before having a chat errr, I don’t think so! That approach wouldn’t be for me. I would blurt something out because I think the longer you leave it to say someing the harder it gets (not literally!).

I do think this is common in older men though.

Original poster

Seatree1 · 01/12/2018 23:55

Mmmm, it’s tricky. It is important to be open and honest right from the start, but I don’t want to make matters worse :(

OP posts:

surlycurly · 01/12/2018 23:57

Don't wait six months. Suggest he gets his testosterone checked. One injection every three months can have his sorted if it's that. My ex had this and that was the issue. It's a medical problem, not a psychological one. It's also very common. Equally, it may not be in which case you're either going to have to build up his confidence over time, investigate other medical options, or walk. Good luck with your choices xxx

MMmomDD · 02/12/2018 00:24

I’d also suggest waiting a bit.
You have only been dating a few months, as you said. And you seem to like him.
So - I do think developing a trusting relationship - in and out of the bedroom takes time. And if the issue doesn’t get resolved as you get closer and more comfortable - then a talk will be natural.

Coming in, all guns blazing and suggesting testosterone injections - after a few months of dating will send him running. Or, worse - if it’s just in his head - will make it an even bigger issue.

TooOldForThis67 · 02/12/2018 02:45

Why is it that I always feel that I can post about others.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 03:31

I am going to sound heartless I know but I would dump him. I have dated a number of guys with erectile problems. In this day and age, there is viagra available without prescription, people are not so ashamed to talk about such stuff as in days of yore. He should already have been to the doctor about this. Think about it in reverse, if you had vaginismus, but had done nothing about it and were sweeping it under the carpet, would he still be sticking around? The worse thing with these kinds of guys who won't seek help of their own accord, is that they try to make up for their 'deficiencies' in other areas, eg being very kind, romantic, good at oral, generous, etc etc. Like you say, it becomes an elephant in the room, you feel bad about making a think about it, and they get to carry on deluding themself that they are being a gentleman or taking their time.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 03:34

Also, if you persuade him to go to the doctor and he does get fixed up, don't expect him to be grateful and full of love and awe for you. He will then associate you with the whole embarrassing failure and probably want to move on to someone who doesn't know he ever had an issue.

bastardkitty · 02/12/2018 03:38

People who have experienced this issue and it has resolved over time often advise patience and waiting it out. It cannot and should not be the elephant in the room though. If you are in an intimate relationship, you absolutely should be able to talk about this. For all you know, he has a long-standing problem that he either won't treat or it cannot be treated and you are signing up to a sexless relationship through your embarrassment to talk about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2018 04:05

Ffs, don't wait. He either has serious testosterone deficiency or some other big issue. Don't ignore this. If he can't fix this, your relationship is doomed.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 04:14

Sorry can I ask a few more details, you don't make it clear if has he ever managed to 'finish' and come inside you? Or do you keep making repeated attempts that don't go anywhere? Do you know if he ever comes with masturbation? Have you ever given him a hand job that 'worked'?

What does he say about what happened in his previous relationships, and when was his most recent one? Some of these guys spin a line about this never happening before / with other women.

Snog · 02/12/2018 04:42

Could be undiagnosed high blood pressure

Weenurse · 02/12/2018 05:16

ED is a symptom of another problem generally. Could he be diabetic?, have undiagnosed cardiac issues?
Please talk about it and ask him to get checked out. ED is often the first symptom in heart disease.

Kristingle · 02/12/2018 05:32

So he likes you but not enough to go and get medical help.

It’s not a problem for him so he assumes it’s not a problem for you either.

That doesn’t sound very lovely or special to me, it sounds self centred.

pissedonatrain · 02/12/2018 05:55

If you decide to keep seeing him, insist he go for a full checkup. Like others said, he may have low testosterone or undiagnosed cardiac issue. You really don't want to be with someone who refuses to take care of themselves.

AlbertWinestein · 02/12/2018 06:03

“I really really like this guy”. So, talk to him. It really is that simple.

SimplySteve · 02/12/2018 06:17

ED isn't uncommon with a new partner. Men also find it emasculating, embarrassing and stressful. Are you able to sensitively talk about it outside of the bedroom (or wherever takes your fancy...)? He needs to realise that men suffer with this from time to time; he should certainly see his GP in order to rule anything serious out (I know how psychologically it affects). He can also get a viagra/sildenafil prescription to get over the hump.

It sounds as though he is tuned in to your sexual enjoyment and seeks to make sure you're satisfied, which is fabulous.

There are a couple of other factors (aside from the psychological impact), these being porn and "death grip" masturbation.

Treating him with sensitivity and kid gloves will help, but don't expect or assume the ED will resolve overnight. It can take from days to months. If there is a porn issue then psychological sex therapy could help you both. Relate offer a brilliant service.

Original poster

Seatree1 · 02/12/2018 17:12

Thanks Guys for all your advice
So, after another up , down , session we chatted. I told him how committed I was and that perhaps there was an issue
He was slightly taken aback, when I asked if this was his norm. He was avasive slightly. Said he was committed to us but found me a bit overwhelming!. I think he has had very few relationships which have been very conservative. In fareness I am very relaxed in bed, and have plenty of experience. I gently mentioned blood tests etc
I can hear you all saying “ dump him”.’’ But he is a lovely guy, just think we are poles apart sexually, and he defo has an ED problem. On every other level we are having a lot of fun together. I think I might have to just be patient and see if we grow together. In the sex department!

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 02/12/2018 17:16

His reaction is a concern to be honest OP. He shouldn't be taken aback - it should be obvious why you raised it. He said something negative to you in response and was evasive. You shouldn't be committed. You should be tentative/running a mile.

category12 · 02/12/2018 17:18

Crikey, I'd be really freaked at being told I was overwhelming.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 02/12/2018 17:31

You said sex was important to you, so when you mentioned blood tests to check for a problem did he say yes or no? From what you wrote is sounds like he knows damned well there is a problem but was hoping you would stfu and not mention it, and when you do mention it he calls you 'overwhelming'!? For wanting a sex life??? Doesn't sound very lovely to me.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 17:35

Said he was committed to us but found me a bit overwhelming!

Sorry but this fits the general pattern I have observed. My dick doesn't work so it's all about you. And he didn't say he would do anything about it. You are wasting your time.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2018 18:55

His reaction was total shit. Don't you see that?? Basically blaming you for his issues. You're "overwhelming?" Really??

You're "poles apart" sexually and you REALLY think he's going to magically change?

I'd run a mile. I think you need to take the blinders off.

Mintychoc1 · 02/12/2018 19:21

His reaction surprises me. He shouldn’t be taken aback. I’d have thought most men would have expected it, and actually discussed it themselves rather than leaving you to mention it.

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