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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to talk about ? Erectile dysfunction in a new relationship

48 replies

Seatree1 · 01/12/2018 23:29

So, this is tricky
I’ve been seeing a lovely Guy for a few months now. We really get on well, and I feel that this relationship is really special. However I have a nagging worry over the big subject of Sex!
We are very physical together and he seems very keen, but he often doesn’t have an erection, or he loses it mid session.Ive noticed he doesn’t have an early morning erection. Obviously I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but.....It’s been three months now. He is kind and attentive, and we have a lot of fun together. Sex is important to me, but the last thing I want to do is make him feel worse, especially if his erectile dysfunction is psychological. He is 51 and fit.
I like him so much, and this feels like an Elephant in the corner of the bedroom ( that we are both ignoring )
Any advice please.... I really really like this Guy.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 02/12/2018 19:22

What do you mean? Does he not think sex is normal? Does he think people who have intercourse are overwhelming?

Did he honestly say that he thought it was normal to either not have an erection or to lose it?

Have you ever had sex with him and it lasting and finishing in a "satisfactory manner"??

MissMalice · 02/12/2018 19:41

No early morning erection is a clue it’s not (solely) psychological. Can be an indicator of impending heart problems. He needs to see a GP.

Original poster

Seatree1 · 02/12/2018 19:51

So yes he has come in me once, but mainly it takes a lot of gentle foreplay to get an erection , then nearly always it just suddenly becomes obvious that penetration isn’t working. He turns me on and I come easily. I’m just not used to not having penetration, ending in both parties climaxing. When he loses his erection, he doesn’t say anything.
Obviously if he won’t discuss it with me in the future I will walk away. But I would like him to have a bit of time to process what I said today. Mainly my overriding feeling is that if he can’t open up to me and discuss this there isn’t any future sadly.Im a nurse and I think I broached the subject sensitively. Feeling a bit sad, cause I really like him :(.... maybe it’s just not an issue for him

OP posts:

Flowerpot2005 · 02/12/2018 19:59

OP erectile issues you can be sympathetic about but ultimately, only they can resolve it. Be understanding by all means but DO NOT make it a joint problem.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 20:39

I had a think back and concluded I have dated five guys with this problem. They won't talk about their sexual past honestly, they won't admit it's an issue, they just trade off the fact that they are nice guys, and just skirt round the issue. I actually think they had never had a decent sexual experience and didn't know what one was.

The little explanation I got out of them:
One said I shouldn't complain because he gave good head, another said 'I am not really ready', like I had jumped him. Another said he didn't really know what he was doing. One didn't say anything at all but pursued me on and off for 4 years, I kept going back and giving it another go as he was nice (and rich!), but nothing. Another one told me his penis had been damaged by a botched circumcision, but didn't seem to realise that the damage wasn't just cosmetic. So much ignorance it's unreal.

bastardkitty · 02/12/2018 20:42

^ this

SimplySteve · 03/12/2018 07:55

Excellent point. The societal archetype guides men to effectively being "godlike " in the bedroom. It's this which guides men to porn, and all that encompasses it - massive dick, lasting for ages, coming where they want, anal, etc etc. This can turn into an overwhelming issue from which porn addiction, death grip wanking, and being unable to perform with their partner.

As for men talking about anything regarding sex on a personal level, good luck with that. Men talk about "hotties", "yummy mummies" and "shaggable celebs" when with their male friends.

Do you know if he watches porn, and what his stance is regarding it? Sorry for the crudeness but, does he get and maintain an erection, then orgasm, if you masturbate him @Seatree1 ?

Kristingle · 03/12/2018 09:00

So it’s your fault . How are you going to work at becoming less overwhelming ? Because it’s clealy YOUR problem to fix, he doesn’t think it’s an issue.

Maybe you should see your GP or a sex therapist to help you with your overwhelmingness.

Or just accept that you will never have PIV sex again.

Or you could run like the wind .

brownmouse · 03/12/2018 09:12

I've had a few of these ... and it just gets more frustrating and difficult with time. I agree that blaming you shows he is not taking responsibility and won't sort this out. I actually think it verges on gaslighting TBH.

Sorry if he seems nice but if you need a sexual element in your relationship then this isn't the guy for you.

Rattinghat · 03/12/2018 10:52

Kristingle LOL yes reminds me of when guys say things like 'you are too much'. I am thinking, yeah, and you are not enough.

Rattinghat · 03/12/2018 10:57

Another red flag I have noticed is when a guy is really into kissing you but doesn't seem to want to take the next step. It's like he wants the relationship to stay at the kissing / butterflies stage forever, so he won't be found wanting. It interested me that the OP was like oh early days yet after 3 months with him. I bet that came from him.

Run away, and then run away some more.

joystir59 · 03/12/2018 11:05

My ex husband was like this. He told me I was too forward sexually, and overwhelmed him. I was just confident and up for it. Years later he came out as gay

JasmineBuckles · 03/12/2018 13:28

My now-boyfriend didn’t get an erection the first couple of times we got naked. He also struggles to come from penetration.

I was a bit perturbed, but he was honest and open, he explained that he struggled to come because of 2 years of single wanking, and that he would take a bit of time to get comfortable enough with me to get and stay hard. As he’d been open and straightforward I persevered.

Two months in he still struggles to come, but gets and maintains an erection no problem. He doesn’t get grumpy or frustrated if I’m done and he hasn’t finished, and he’s bloody brilliant in bed with a sex drive that matches mine.

This doesn’t appear to be the case for you OP. He’s not really acknowledging there’s a problem, or dealing with it properly.

SimplySteve · 03/12/2018 15:46

Kristingle LOL yes reminds me of when guys say things like 'you are too much'. I am thinking, yeah, and you are not enough.

Brilliant!

funicorn · 03/12/2018 16:33

Some pretty harsh statements here and some amazing medical diagnosis via online seatree to give you a comparison my partner has ED due to diabetes - we have discovered that even when he does NOT take his Viagra he is still capable of having an erection and ejaculating - on waking in the morning or with me touching him . We think this is due to familiarity and trust in me and himself. He was super sensitive initially about it as he had been given a hard time by a previous partner and it had affected his mental state about sex . Now he is a confident and pleasing lover .

Rattinghat · 03/12/2018 19:33

Some pretty harsh statements here
I know I sound harsh but I got to the point where I was so sick of delusional blokes who won't address their problems. Maybe I am spoilt by a few highly competent lovers, I don't know. Life is short.

Original poster

Seatree1 · 03/12/2018 19:33

Thanks everyone for your advice. I’ll let you know how things pan out. I’m not seeing him till later this week. We’ve been texting, and all seems norm. I’m hoping he has digested my concerns. I certainly can’t have a relationship if he shuts down on this. He has 12 months on his own... so maybe a bit toooo much masterbation. I think that as I get older I appreciate the ability to talk comfortably about life and all it’s issues, as much as I love great sex. Looking for both... and hopefully I’ll find it xx

OP posts:

Rattinghat · 03/12/2018 19:42

CaveDivingbelle · 03/12/2018 20:50

Hope it works out. It can be soul destroying though,especially if it becomes " your problem" . I had one of these ( well a porn death grip) and it never got sorted, I just ended up feeling useless and unattractive because nothing worked. His reaction isn't great tbh...think I would be dubious about a future with him

Weenurse · 04/12/2018 06:55

Good luck

HelenaDove · 05/12/2018 20:13

Good luck OP.

Lennonjingles · 23/02/2026 09:05

Very old thread, let’s hope OP’s situation improved.

Willsmer · 24/02/2026 05:56

He needs to have this checked out. It maybe psychological due to difficulties with previous partners. However it may indicate underlying serious health problems with his prostate.

Excess drinking can cause erectile dysfunction as can obesity. Age again may cause problems with erections.

Whatever you say to him he needs to get checked out.

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