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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think we have problems

49 replies

AdviceWelcome · 22/06/2007 21:09

Dh has a very demanding and well paid job. It involves late nights and "client" dinners etc. I have learnt to deal with that. However recently he has been home early but has to work in the study a couple of hours later, then comes to bed at 2/3 am. I tried to use his computer last night as my (wireless) laptop was down but have been frozen out by password protection. He seems totally disinterested in me once has been "fed and watered", stating work issues. How would you approach this?

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceWelcome · 22/06/2007 21:13

Anyone with any advice?

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FioFio · 22/06/2007 21:14

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NotQuiteCockney · 22/06/2007 21:15

I'd try to talk to him, tbh. Did things used to be different?

Having password protection on his laptop is probably standard, depending on what he does.

newlifenewname · 22/06/2007 21:15

are you implying that the password security means he is hiding something?

compo · 22/06/2007 21:16

I would question why he has a password on his PC tbh.

myjobismum · 22/06/2007 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FioFio · 22/06/2007 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TrueBlue · 22/06/2007 21:21

It could just be that his work is very hectic at the moment and then I suggest being supportive, bringing him a cup of tea when he's working, giving him a cuddle and sugggesting to him that you are there if he wants to talk may be the best thing.... Men often get very defensive at the 'we need to talk' approach, so it may be better to show some affection and just let him know you are there for him... It is tough, as you don't want to push him away but at the same time, I can understand it is really hard for you...

Apart from the password protection issue, are there any other signs that he is trying to hide (something) from you... is he still interested in sex, or does he still show other signs of affection?

Original poster
AdviceWelcome · 22/06/2007 21:27

This is a computer that had a password protection for 4 sites for him/me/dd/ and ds. but now has been locked down to dh (for work security reasons)

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motherinferior · 22/06/2007 21:29

I don't see why you should knock yourself out to give him cups of tea and cuddles if he's freezing you out. Can't you tell him you're fed up with being treated like this?

motherinferior · 22/06/2007 21:29

You could also stop cooking his tea.

TrueBlue · 22/06/2007 21:33

Playing it 'hard' may feel like the right thing to do, but from my experience will only push men away from you only further... of course, don't suggest you become a doormat... and there are limits to the cups of tea and cuddles you should offer ... but while you are trying to work out what is going on this may work better than just barging in with a 'what the hell is going on with you'... But that is just my view..

WideWebWitch · 22/06/2007 21:35

I think you need to talk to him not us really and you need to tell him you;re pissed off and ask what's going on. It's out of order (the ignoring other than wanting food etc I mean and doesn't sound like a marriage, you sound like his housekeeper.

madmarchhare · 22/06/2007 21:40

If it were me, I would just get to the point.
dont play games

morningpaper · 22/06/2007 21:41

agree with www

Original poster
AdviceWelcome · 22/06/2007 21:42

Fiofio - what do you mean by "get used to" simply by the fact he is the bread winner?

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Blondilocks · 22/06/2007 21:46

I could understand having a password on his work PC. Is it a company owned one, as even people with my laptops in my company aren't meant to use them at home for personal things so maybe they are getting stricter on that.

Original poster
AdviceWelcome · 22/06/2007 21:47

What I meant by "passwords" is that originally he hda set the whole family up with an account each but now ha blocked us all put from using the computer with some password.

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Original poster
AdviceWelcome · 22/06/2007 21:51

What I meant by "passwords" is that originally he had set the whole family up with an account each but now has blocked us all from using the computer with some password.

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Original poster
AdviceWelcome · 22/06/2007 21:56

I should reinforce that the computers at home are all owned by us and nothing to dh's office.

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Original poster
AdviceWelcome · 22/06/2007 22:02

As he has blocked us out from the computer what do you think he is hiding? My greatest fear is financial, but I guess it could be "sexual"

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Original poster
AdviceWelcome · 22/06/2007 22:13

Would it help if I were to say I am a regular but am "hiding"?

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elasticbandstand · 22/06/2007 22:19

prhaps he doesnt like MN... only joking of course.

iwouldgoouttonight · 22/06/2007 22:19

I was just about to post a very similar thread - my DP is also always working esp evenings and weekends, and when he gets home from work he's straight onto the computer and it feels as though he'd prefer to spend time working than with his family. I confronted him the other day when I was angry and this made it worse, so would agree with the others that it might be best to act supportive and see if that encourages him to talk to you more (difficult to do I know - I'm trying it and have to keep biting my tongue, esp when he told me this morning he's just arranged to work on a day he'd said he would look after DS so I could go out!).

My DP is also very protective of his computer - he gets really annoyed if I change any settings or anything. I have found very mild porn on there (was surprised by how mild actually!) so think he may have been hiding that - made me feel a bit put out but I'm not too bothered.

When my DP is stressed by work he bottles it all up and shuts me out - maybe your DH is the same. I suppose you need to try to get him to talk about what you think is wrong. Just ask him why he's password protected his computer because you need to use it.

Original poster
AdviceWelcome · 22/06/2007 22:25

What concerns me is me is 5 months ago he set the computer up with 4 accounts (one for him, me, dd and ds). Suddenly has blocked us all out totally.

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