Think we have problems

[AdviceWelcome]

Dh has a very demanding and well paid job. It involves late nights and "client" dinners etc. I have learnt to deal with that. However recently he has been home early but has to work in the study a couple of hours later, then comes to bed at 2/3 am. I tried to use his computer last night as my (wireless) laptop was down but have been frozen out by password protection. He seems totally disinterested in me once has been "fed and watered", stating work issues. How would you approach this?

but yo0u have another one you can use..

have you asked him why you can't get into your own account, or the dc can't either

I do. However what is he doing with the one he is locking us out of?

I think you need to ask him otherwise you'll just imagine the worst. Could he have changed the password for security reasons and forgotten to tell you? How long have you been blocked out?

I think the computer thing would bother me to, if he had you set up before on it I don't see that it would be unreasonable to ask him why you suddenly can't access the computer without coming across as paranoid or anything.

Also if it is anything financial surely you can call the bank (presuming you have a joint account etc) and ask for account update or have a look at your statements etc to try to set your mind at ease.

Hopefully its all fine and he's just stressed at work

One of my friends told me that her dh spends a lot of home time on the computer at home - on poker sites - spends pennies rather than pounds so not exactly getting into debt over it but she does see it as an addiction and takes him away from the family. Would it bother you if he was looking at porn?

He has total control over finances. He puts a certain amount of money into my account every month, and we pay for everything else on a credit card in his name which he pays off each month. I have no acess to statements etc so have no idea what the financial situation is. As you said he doesn't have time for an actual affair (assuming when he isn't at home he actually is at work or doing work related things). He didn't get home until 2am this morning, and is still asleep so haven't had time to talk.

I'd be very worried about that as well. It sounds very controlling. Relationships are about power and control; at the moment he seemingly has all the power and thus the control too.

The behaviours he has shown with the computer are yet another example of controlling everything.

You need to be much more subtle than just confronting him if you want to rebalance the power in your relationship. It is no good "demanding" decent treatment from a controlling person - you have to earn it by seeing through them and getting them to see that they would be much happier (because in an intimate, confiding relationship) if they shared their life with you.

Watch out - if your husband isn't already having an affair, he will have one sooner or later, because he will start feeling very lonely indeed.

"Watch out - if your husband isn't already having an affair, he will have one sooner or later, because he will start feeling very lonely indeed"

What do you mean by that Anna888? You make it sound as if it is al my fault and by my actions I am driving him to have an affair???

hmmm yes not knowing anything about financial situation and your dh having total control is a problem. It sounds a very closed relationship, but perhaps because he is too stressed. Stress can make people shut down too, but he needs to learn to share this with you, so you can work together.

I still think there are good reasons to block a computer, even if there was access to every one before.

I know that when DH or I, are over stressed about something we are working in in the computer, we don't want settings changed or anybody meddling with it as it may result in loosing work that may take hours/days to replace, or a good time investing in sorting the computer up.

I would just ask if there are any particular reasons to block the computer fully and gauge his reaction.

No, absolutely not blaming you. I'm just sounding the warning bells that this is what happens to this type of controlling man - he thinks he is getting what he wants out of his relationship by controlling his other half, and he perversely ends up feeling very lonely and misunderstood (and he will tell the OW that his wife doesn't listen to/understand him).

So get the better of the relationship now and restore the power balance. If needs be find a good therapist to help you - you don't need to tell your DH by the way.

"stress can make people shut down too"

Yes, particularly men, who unlikee women, prefer to hide in their cave until they are ready to establish contact with the real world again, rather than discussing the sources of such anxiety.

I don't agree with Anna888, AdviceWelcome. Sounds like the lonely person in this is you, and if someone has an affair that's their choice. You can't DRIVE someone else to have an affair, for heaven's sake - unless you give them a lift to their girlfriend's house (sorry, flippant). How would you know whether he is lonely if he won't speak to you?

Talk to him, and tell him you want access to the computer.
I'd be scared of not having an account of my own - can you set one up and squirrel some away just for a bit of independence? My mum did that.

Anna, sometimes people just suffers from a chronic form of workaholisim , and in those circumstances, even finding time for feeling lonely is difficicult.

He has alawys been the only one who could change any settings on the computer anyway.

In a relationship it is impossible for one person to be lonely and not the other. Of course one person can acknowledge their loneliness and the other deny it.

I have a lot of experience (unfortunately) of this issue.

DS is particulalry good at accidentally changing them.

Sometimes, something as simple as introducing an extra letter in a program DH's is working in, may be enough to cause a stir... the program would stop working properly and it would take hours for an analyst to find it where the problem is.

As I said, I would ask him about it lightly and gauge his reaction, it may be that with all the stress he has just become a bit over protective of the data.

Now, if he reacts strangely, put all your intuition to work!

Actually Anna, now you mention it so have I - but did get through it by working hard to reestablish intimacy. It starts with talking, though.

I agree that you have to reestablish dialogue in order to get back to an intimate relationship, but confrontation is not the way to that - that's why I suggested the OP see a counsellor to help her tackle how she approaches her DH in a subtle way, so he doesn't feel belittled or threatened (controlling types are difficult to approach when they are in their shell).

I'd just simply say what happened - your computer wasn't working so you tried his, but couldn't log in and see what he says.

If everything was set up under accounts then I'd have thought you can restrict the access to certain files anyway so sharing the computer wouldn't make any difference I don't think.