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Original poster

Husband/Stepchildren relationships

32 replies

Sarah0692 · 01/12/2018 19:17

I need help with how I handle this ongoing situation. DH has 2 daughters, 13 and 12. He sees them once a month for a weekend due to distance. Whatever happens that weekend is 100% in the control of his daughters. They have to stay in a 4 star hotel, eat where they want, go where they want, everything. We live 200 miles away and they don’t come here because they would rather stay in a hotel. If something else is arranged and they don’t want to do it then guess what happens. I feel that my DH thinks they won’t love him if he actually acts as a parent. They speak to each other on phone or FaceTime at least 3 times a day and the eldest and him send love hearts to each other. All of this frustrates me as it affects me when I am left alone due to work, pets, I cannot follow him to be included. He still refers to himself in the third person to them. They were only 4 and 5 when we met so he doesn’t seem to have acknowledged that they have grown up, apart from buying them a ton of makeup! Whatever they ask for they get. Mobiles, TVs, makeup and it is so hard for me to stand by and watch this. I have two daughters, 24 and 26, and their father and I split up when they were 14 and16 so i have been on the other side but experienced nothing like this. Is this normal with father’s and daughters when relationships break down? How should I handle this as at the moment I am fuming as to how they control him?

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 01/12/2018 19:26

Honestly, I think you either have to suck it up (so once a month, you get a weekend to yourself? Great. See friends, relax, do things you wouldn't otherwise do) or leave the relationship.

Trying to get your husband and his daughters to alter this dynamic is a waste of time. Sorry to sound brutal but this is just....the way it is.

It couldn't be clearer that you dislike his daughters, consider them spoilt and manipulative and have no respect for your husbands parenting. So - can you tolerate this or not? Chuntering about how awful it is and how hard done by you feel is a waste of your energy.

TheBigBangRocks · 01/12/2018 19:40

Why shouldn't they phone him etc often, he's their dad and miles away.

They barely see him, 24 days a year out of 365 is pretty poor and of course they won't want a 400 mile round trip. Plus its very clear you don't like them so it's better if they are away from that.

roisinagusniamh · 01/12/2018 19:42

Why does he live so far away from them?

Winterishere2018 · 01/12/2018 19:44

They get pretty slim pickings don’t they one weekend a month? I don’t see why you need to be included in what’s considered low contact regardless of distance that’s bloody disgraceful. Does he not brother in the holidays? As Pp said enjoy the weekend to yourself.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/12/2018 19:44

I don't think you should 'handle it'. Your DH lives really, really far away from two children he sees once a month and you, by definition, don't see at all. What's to handle? Let him do his thing and have a weekend to yourself.

justacat · 01/12/2018 19:45

I think he is trying to ignore the fact that they are, indeed, growing up... Unfortunately, he is not showing them true values in life.
For what it's worth, this is a typical Disney parent's approach to a child rearing. He is simply trying to make himself feel better, perhaps less guilty for not being in their life as a resident parent,he is trying to be a more popular parent then his ex. It sounds like it's gone a little too far, is he prepared for what is to come? Cars, flats deposits, holidays, not mentioning any other extravagant expenses.
It is one thing if he can afford it, however, should his good fortune run out, he might find himself ignored by them.
I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. ThanksI can imagine how incredibly hard it is to not to say anything. Maybe you can have a casual discussion with your other half about the importance of building a relationship and a bond beyond the shiny expensive gifts, that they should and will love their dad regardless of how many presents he gets them!

Original poster
Sarah0692 · 01/12/2018 19:58

Sorry I should have added three days a month plus school holidays extra days/weeks. Their mother won’t drive halfway so that’s why only this time and he has to work. I don’t dislike them but dislike how they prey on his guilt and he gives them everything they ask for. I would have liked to know how other teenage daughters respond to fathers. I feel that sometimes they are the couple with love heart messages sent all the time. My daughters didn’t do that with their father when he left. Is this normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah0692 · 01/12/2018 19:59

Also difficult to build a relationship when I don’t see them.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 01/12/2018 20:00

It's very typical behaviour from the Dad isn't it. Can't be there more than 12 weekends a year and therefore over compensates for it.

Why does it really bug you so much?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/12/2018 20:30

Fgs, look I agree the dynamic is weird but do you realise you're blaming two young children for this rather than the father who sees them for a grand total of - what? - 40 days a year and spends that time Disney-dadding till they're dizzy? It doesn't matter how securely attached teenage girls react to their father, there's no comparison. If a wee girl wants to send love hearts to a father she barely sees in an attempt to convince herself that there's an actual relationship there, Fair bloody play to her.

Winterishere2018 · 01/12/2018 21:05

This shot level of contact their dm is doing all the parenting. Who are these women who get with men who don’t or bother very little with their dc. Second thread this week

diamondsandrose · 01/12/2018 21:17

Sounds pretty normal to me.

Why are you so jealous of the love heart messages? They are only 12 and 13. Maybe they miss their Dad ? Don't see the problem at all.

You've got him to yourself the rest of the time

yourfamousblueraincoat · 01/12/2018 21:19

Love heart emoticons is totally normal among people showing affection to each other. I send them all the time to my dad to express love, happiness, gratitude, delight etc - and I am 34 and he is 64, still happily married to my mother to whom I also send them. It is just how people express themselves over text/WhatsApp in the modern world. I would think it perfectly normal for my DS or a fictional daughter of mine to send hearts to their father.

Your jealousy shines through and I think that is more unusual, especially since these two girls have a somewhat meagre relationship with their father.

Chardeemacdennis1 · 01/12/2018 21:20

The love hearts are a bit weird but unless he bankrupting you buying them things and staying in hotels, I don't really see what the problem is. You never have to see them. They are not in your life. Why let it bother you. Just ignore it and enjoy your free weekend.

Petalflowers · 01/12/2018 21:26

I can understand your frustration. He is being a Disney dad and letting them walk all over him. Staying in a nice hotel, doing nice things, that’s fine. However, he seems to have forgotten the word No, so if they want new phones, make-up etc he will give in.

I think you need a big conversation about how they are manipulating him, and he needs to reign it in. Also, how they need to learn to co promise, so if an event is planned, they will have to rearrange their weekend. At 13 and 12, they are old enough to understand this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2018 21:27

What are the arrangements on holidays? Do they ever come to your home? Surely there’s plenty of time for the journey when you have them for a week or more at a time.

What would you like to change? Can you think of a handful of things that would help? Does your husband not want you to have a relationship with his DDs?

Original poster
Sarah0692 · 01/12/2018 21:40

They come to our home only a couple of times a year as the 12 year old doesn’t like to be parted from her mother. DH has taken the eldest away for holidays but the 12 year old won’t go. I would like him to calm down and not panic that they won’t love him if he says no. I’ve told him they will always love him but he over compensates with money then that causes friction. I rarely ask him to change his weekends to accommodate plans I’ve already made and for the last two years he’s spent our wedding anniversary with them. When they do stay with us discipline is down to him and I have been likened to the wicked stepmother when I told the younger one she had to eat the plate of food she’d chosen! So I don’t bother now.

OP posts:
Villagelifer · 01/12/2018 21:54

I'm sorry OP it does sound like you don't like them and it's sad that you appear to resent what he does as they hardly see their dad. You seem to have issue with things you shouldn't be involved at all like the love heart messages.
It's not nice to interfere in the relationship of parent and child. My advice for you would be to stay out of it.

Omunye · 01/12/2018 21:59

I feel that sometimes they are the couple with love heart messages sent all the time.

It's fucking weird of you to interpret love hearts between a father and his daughters as them being 'the couple'. Get a grip and stop being a twat.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2018 22:06

Is the money the main issue? If you have joint finances and his extravagant spending is putting an unreasonable debt in your household budget then you have every right to share your concerns with him. It doesn’t sound like he’ll listen but it’s worth a go.

We have a different set up with my DSC but a a couple with a shared mortgage and mostly combined monies we discuss big spends and neither would go over board without discussing it with the other.

If you’re well off and feel a bit resentful he’s splashing the cash but it’s not leaving you short then I’d leave him to it as it won’t change and he’s made his bed. It costs a lot to have DC in the house, as you know, so he may think the fancy weekends once a month are equal to clothing, feeding and entertaining them at yours more often.

MMmomDD · 01/12/2018 22:11

OP, I am sorry but you come out as jealous and unreasonable in your post. And also controlling.

At 12&13 they are not grown up. The you get one still is so attached to her monther that she won’t go on holiday.
Your H left when they were small - and the guilt he is carrying is enormous. He will forever wonder if by choosing his happiness he altered the course of their life.
You need to understand that.

Maybe then, you can give yourself a shake and realise that a grown woman being jealous of your H’s daughter’s love heart messages is more abnormal than those messages.
Ditto for once/month visits that exclude you. Which they shoud given that you don’t approve of their relationship and seem to want to mould it into something you are familiar with.
Unless you go w/o a phone, or are short of food and other necessities - what he buys his daughters is HIS choice.
It’s his choice how to parent his children, not yours.

Really, just don’t get in between him and the girls.

Potterpotty · 01/12/2018 22:33

I'm confused, you say he only sees them once a month but you also put you rarely ask him to change his plans, but surely you know what weekend he has so why are you planning anything?

Also I can understand why the children do not want to travel 400 miles just for a weekend, who's idea was it to move? Dad's or their mum? There isn't anything you should do regarding their relationship, if he is over compensating then so be it he needs to as he isn't there for them the rest of the month.

CaveDivingbelle · 01/12/2018 22:42

OP I don't think there is anything you could/ should do except have a long think about whether this relationship is for you. The dynamics here are never going to " feel right" to you. He's the typical Disney dad...there are sooooo many! I've been where you are and I know PP think your interpretation is crazy when you say they are like a couple but.....I felt a bit like it too. My ex p daughter seemed to regress aged 16 and I'd find her sat on his knee ,go back to calling him daddy and sending Valentine cards to him..But you can't change anything ,nor should you try. I found it just another aspect I didn't know how to cope with and left.

SunnyintheSun · 01/12/2018 23:18

You have a DH problem. He needs to make the effort to see more of his daughters, and to start involving them in normal family life at your house, parenting them properly, bringing you into the mix etc. Unfortunately the current situation seems to have gone on a long time and it may be too hard to move the goalposts now.

Would be good to understand how you both got into this situation- why you live so far away, see them so little etc.

SandyY2K · 01/12/2018 23:59

They speak to each other on phone or FaceTime at least 3 times a day

No problem with this, considering they're far away. Although with work and school...that means 3 calls between after school/work and bedtime.

Are they short calls?

Are you perhaps exaggerating here?

With homework...having to have dinner and other things... I do wonder about this.

and the eldest and him send love hearts to each other.

I don't see a problem with this tbh.

All of this frustrates me as it affects me when I am left alone due to work, pets, I cannot follow him to be included

So once a month...you're left alone when he sees his daughters and you have a problem with it?

He still refers to himself in the third person to them.

You mean like "Daddy will come and see you" ...rather than "I will come and see you"

How should I handle this as at the moment I am fuming as to how they control him?

Leave him to it. There is often an impact on the children of family breakdown.

They are missing the presence of their dad bringing them up. They see their teachers and many other people more than their dad, so how can he really be so strict with them...when he sees them once a month?
It's hard to do that. They will get a bit spoilt. He needs to balance their demands with what he can afford. If moneys no issue.. then he's likely to let it continue.

If I didn't see my kids daily...is feel guilty and want to compensate too.