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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband/Stepchildren relationships

32 replies

Sarah0692 · 01/12/2018 19:17

I need help with how I handle this ongoing situation. DH has 2 daughters, 13 and 12. He sees them once a month for a weekend due to distance. Whatever happens that weekend is 100% in the control of his daughters. They have to stay in a 4 star hotel, eat where they want, go where they want, everything. We live 200 miles away and they don’t come here because they would rather stay in a hotel. If something else is arranged and they don’t want to do it then guess what happens. I feel that my DH thinks they won’t love him if he actually acts as a parent. They speak to each other on phone or FaceTime at least 3 times a day and the eldest and him send love hearts to each other. All of this frustrates me as it affects me when I am left alone due to work, pets, I cannot follow him to be included. He still refers to himself in the third person to them. They were only 4 and 5 when we met so he doesn’t seem to have acknowledged that they have grown up, apart from buying them a ton of makeup! Whatever they ask for they get. Mobiles, TVs, makeup and it is so hard for me to stand by and watch this. I have two daughters, 24 and 26, and their father and I split up when they were 14 and16 so i have been on the other side but experienced nothing like this. Is this normal with father’s and daughters when relationships break down? How should I handle this as at the moment I am fuming as to how they control him?

OP posts:
PookieDo · 02/12/2018 00:03

Although i can see this winds you up and why, it’s so much worse when it isn’t like this - for the DC

I myself have a terrible Dad who never bothers with me since I was a child. It’s not about presents he’s just totally shit has no guilt and doesn’t care

My DC have a shit dad and one DC refuses to visit him. They share a tiny shitty bedroom between 3 children one of whom doesn’t bloody sleep and I know my DD’s probably would love to be treated like little princesses now and then. I think it’s unhealthy in some ways what he is doing and how infrequently but then again at least he is doing something

Livelovebehappy · 02/12/2018 09:25

To be brutally honest, they were in his life before you came along and will be in his life til the day he dies so you either have to suck it up or find someone who has no baggage and who can devote his every waking moment to you. It always amazes me when women hitch their star to men who have dcs knowing exactly what they are signing up for then start kicking off because they have to share his time. Just be grateful he appears to be a decent father. Many arent.

roisinagusniamh · 02/12/2018 09:40

Have you discussed how unhappy you are with this situation with your partner ?
You obviously feel excluded ands bit jealous. To be 'fuming' about it is a bit ott and must be having a detrimental effect on your relationship.
Couples therapy might be an idea .

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 02/12/2018 10:26

How did they come to live so far away? Did the mum move away with the kids or has your DH moved away from them?

Applecrumble79 · 02/12/2018 11:07

I totally understand your point. My partner does the same thing only it’s every other weekend. Treats her like a baby, takes her everywhere buys her everything and i don’t get a look in. He stays at his house so I don’t see him all that weekend. Pisses me off but either I like it or lump it because I know I will never come between them. I tend to leave them to it and try make myself busy that weekend. After all, I get to see him all the time. Maybe dad will step off a little when they grow up and get boyfriends of their own. That’s what I keep telling myself lol

diamondsandrose · 02/12/2018 11:23

Lots of excellent advice here

Like it or lump it

You are coming across badly , he is their Dad and you will be the loser in this battle and quite rightly. As someone else said just be glad he is seeing them! Would you rather he was a deadbeat absent father so you could have him all to yourself?

He's hardly with them! If anything you are the acting like the spoilt one.

And love heart messages are totally normal, they are still little girls who haven't got a Dad at home, have a heart fgs.

Chamomileteaplease · 02/12/2018 12:25

Can you be clearer about how much your dh sees the girls? One weekend a month isn't much at all but you say it is more than that?

Does he put them up in hotels for half their holidays?

Aren't his weekends with the girls written into the diary for the year ahead so you know not to make plans on those weekends? And yes it does seem telling that he would not consider changing a weekend to celebrate your wedding anniversary.

Who moved the 200 miles in the first place?
He does sound a real disney dad.

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