Awful dynamic with my parents

[DrowsyDragon]

I’ve posted here before about my troubled relationship with my DM. Last time, I was advised to see a therapist, enforce boundaries around confiding in her about my DH (she hates him and thinks he is controlling) and to not let her care for my DD, now one, one day a week. I have followed this aside from the childcare issue. Mum was desperately upset, all her violent temper is aimed at me and she is good with my daughter. It has mostly been ok. She doesn’t care for DD as I would and she babies her a bit too much. DD comes home from nursery ready to sleep but home from my parents ready to party because she’s just been cuddled all day.

Until this Friday. DD is under the weather, teething, cold, and just had one year jab. I’ve had a hard week at work, DH was late picking me and then DD up cos he’d lost track of time working ( he also forgot to pick up dinner). When I turned up, DD is clinging to a rag doll DM gave her. This was a small source of conflict because DM always made a song and dance about how special dolls are, how she chose my childhood doll and how lovely it would be when I gave my daughter a doll. Of course DM just gave my DD a doll without involving me.

When I go to take DD home she screams and sobs when the doll is taken from her. Normally i’d Just wrestle her into the car but I am tired, she’s sick and I can’t face crying all the way home. So I say we’re taking the doll for her to have at home for the week. DM is pissed off but gives way. All last night and this morning DD is glued to the doll. I phone DM to say we are going to buy DD a different rag doll of the same brand but can we keep this one until the new one comes and if DD does like the new one as much can we keep the doll here until her obsession dwindles. My mum goes apeshit, screaming and swearing about how the doll lives at her house and she is going to come around and take the doll. I tell her to grow up, this is not about me, it’s about a poorly one year old. She hangs up.

Context, DM is also very stressed cos her estranged but recently reconciled sister is dying and an ongoing planning dispute with her NDN. I have spent literally hours making soothing noises while she rants about the NDN.

DM phones back, continues insisting she wants the doll back right now, puts DF on the phone who backs up her insanity while she literally screams in the back ground. I actually manage to stay calm and stand my ground. After the call I order the planned replacement but feel very shaken. DH is furious. DF decides to come take me out for coffee and we have a surprisingly amicable discussion about how bonkers DM is being but generally summing up as I have to work around her. I just don’t know what to do any more. How do I negotiate with a women who will get this distraught over a toy? How do I keep trusting her with my child?

I wouldn’t. Your DM is having a screaming fit because she can’t wait a few days for a rag doll. That’s bonkers enough. To threaten to take the doll from her poorly granddaughter... Nope. No way would I trust that person with my child. Would you trust a non family member who did that with your child? If not, why would you just because she’s your mum (who is also abusive to you).

This is ridiculous, taking a child’s toy from them is mean.

My only suggestion would be to explain - in writing- you can’t give toys to a baby and then demand them back. Solution dc takes her toys from home and granny doesn’t share her toys with baby

But it’s bonkers that your mum has a ragged doll at her age 😳😬😂

You have my sympathy

You don't trust her with a child.
You know her, she's shown that she is more important than the child. You stop child care and deal with the fallout to protect your 1yo before she gets more effected by it.

Thanks for replying. I feel the need to tell people because it seems too mad to process from inside. The rag doll isn’teven my DM’s. She got it for the baby but is adamant it must stay at her house. I want DD to have lovely grandparents and a wider family but DH’s family lives in another country and it seems like DMcan’t be trusted to control herself.

She sounds insane. Who on earth would buy a doll for a little child, assume the child would love the doll and then expect that doll to be left behind?

And your dad sounds no better. He was on the phone backing her up. Why would he do that? For an easy life? And then he's all pally with you - that's mad, too.

Could you afford to use other childcare? That's what I'd be tempted to do.

Your life will be so much easier if you don’t have them look after her. You won’t be worrying about them with her and they won’t think they have you over a barrel. I’ve been through this. The pain of ending them looking after my kids was horrendous but the outcome is so much better and in the end they got over it and learnt I am not a child they can order around.

Dad is not the strongest person. When I say screaming I am not exaggerating. She gets into a state like someone having hysterics in a film and he tends to just back her regardless when she is like that. I think he came to see me because, thanks to my therapist, for the first time I didn’t lose my temper back I just told them both calmly that they were being ridiculous.

It would be a bit of pinch but I think we could manage another day at nursery. And I love her nursery, they are brilliant with her. I’ll ask about space. Fortunately parents can’t take her on their next day and I have the day off so it gives me more time to think.

UnderMajorDomoMinor, I suspect you are right. I’m just dreading how that will go down. But this is so bonkers. She wants to take a toy from a poorly baby because she’s angry. Who does that?

You need to seek alternative child care op.
I'm struggling to comprehend why you would leave your child with someone so unhinged.
Your daughter won't thank you later on in life for exposing her to this shit.

I suppose because she’s my mum, she’s had my whole life to train me to want to please her and because she only unleashes this stuff on me. She is doting to DD. Which is why I was so shocked she seemed to be seriously suggesting I should let her come to my home and take a toy out of my poorly daughter’s hands.

She is doting to DD.
She wanted to come and take the toy from your DD. That isn’t doting.

It’s heartbreaking to realise your parents can’t be the grandparents you wanted for your child and it’s important to see what she’s doing.

Sorry, but your mum is a toxic control-freak nutcase.

She needs to be issued with an ultimatum. And so does your dad.

A pity that you did not fully follow the counsel given to you last time around. Your mother is really not emotionally healthy enough to be at all looking after your child. She cannot be trusted and for that matter nor can your dad. He will continue to put his wife first at your overall expense and all you get from her is her narcissistic rage.

Your mother may well be stressed but this is really a situation of her entire making. Emotionally healthy people do not and infact never act like your mother has done here; she has made this all about her. She has trained you well to do her bidding for her; that is why she has been able to look after your child until now. That arrangement must now cease.

Its not your fault your parents are like this, you did not make them this way.

No she is not doting at all to your child and she wanted to come and take this toy away from her.

Your mother is doing to her not too dissimilar emotional harm as has been done to you. Many adult children of a narcissistic parent and their willing enabler fall into this trap and let their parents have a relationship with the child despite direct evidence to the contrary. They hope against hope that their parents will somehow behave better around their own grandchild; it does not happen and you will continue to see this sort of nonsense from them. The rule of thumb here is that if the parent is too toxic/difficult/batshit dysfunctional for you as an adult to deal with, its the same deal for your child too.

Arrange alternative childcare as of now and do not let your parents near any of you going forward. If no contact is a step too far then adopt a grey rock technique and be as boring as possible. Do not give them any details of your life. At the very least you need to prevent them from directly contacting you and your husband.

It is really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and her enabler. Women like your mother cannot do relationships and always need a willing enabler (in this case your dad) to help her. He is and has been her hatchet man here and he will continue to throw you under the bus out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He has also failed you abjectly as a parent here.

She really does not dote on your DD if she thinks coming round and ripping a doll out of the poor mite's arms when she's sick is a good idea - when she gave her the bloody doll to start off with. She's saying her wants are more important than your DD's needs - and this is about something very small yet she's screaming over it. What happens when something big happens?

Do read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Both your parents are described in those pages.

You have FOG with regards to your mother and father in spades; FOG is an acronym for fear, obligation and guilt. These are but three of many damaging legacies such abusive parenting you received from them have left you.

Have any of you actually managed to do it? I don’t mean that conforontationally but I read comments on mumsnet to cut people out and it seems simple and clear and straightforward to do it. It’s logical. And of course I want DD to be safe and not exposed to rage. But when it comes to executing it. I just panicked. Her pain, her anger, the fear that I am wrong. The idea that she might finally be fixed and love me the way I want to be, that she actually can love my DD.how do you give up the hope and the fear of it?

Yes I have. It was horrible and I stayed in therapy throughout. Sometimes I still get pangs of wishing so hard that it could have turned out differently but in my head I know it wouldn’t.

It isn’t simple or straightforward - it felt to me like a death, and one I was choosing at that. My mum wasn’t always bad - like many abusers - she has this picture perfect, family focused “isn’t life wonderful” act. Giving that up was really tough even though I knew that wasn’t real.

Are you still in therapy?

Thanks miss malice. Yes I am. I don’t see her very often. About once a fortnight. The pattern is very much months of calm or mild friction and then horrendous blow up.

Your description made me feel tearful. I really admire your strength and courage.

I was advised....to not let her care for my DD

You chose to ignore this important part of enforcing boundaries with a batshit mother so what do you expect?
She may well love your dd but as her actions prove - she will not hesitate to use your dd in her toxic games.

Time to stop the childcare?

Thank you. It didn’t feel courageous at the time. I think I just reached a point where I couldn’t pretend to myself anymore that what was happening was acceptable.

What you’ve described is really, really bad. Your DH is right to be furious. I imagine it’s confusing for your Dad to be calm and backing her up. I suspect your Dad is also scared of her and of the risk of challenging her.

It’s really important to keep your daughter safe from this and as much as you want her to be safe in your mum’s care, she isn’t. Don’t wait until your daughter is directly impacted from these rages. And look after yourself in the process. You wouldn’t be stopping this if you didn’t have to - and you do have to.

so what do you expect?
A bit of compassion? Some understanding about how difficult this step can be? Gentle encouragement?

Well, advised by mumsnet. My therapist thought it was worth trying and I will be seeing her this week to discuss what’s happened. Stopping childcare is definitely a thing. I will check wth the nursery.

Thank you miss malice. Your advice and perspective and compassion is really appreciated. I feel so deeply torn over this. It seems crystal clear when i look at my little girl and then it gets muddier. But definitely going to talk to my therapist and the nursery.

Stop the childcare immediately. You cannot rely on a person like that. She will be undermining you behind your back at every turn.

DF decides to come take me out for coffee

Why does he decide what you do?

Tell them both NO