I’ve posted here before about my troubled relationship with my DM. Last time, I was advised to see a therapist, enforce boundaries around confiding in her about my DH (she hates him and thinks he is controlling) and to not let her care for my DD, now one, one day a week. I have followed this aside from the childcare issue. Mum was desperately upset, all her violent temper is aimed at me and she is good with my daughter. It has mostly been ok. She doesn’t care for DD as I would and she babies her a bit too much. DD comes home from nursery ready to sleep but home from my parents ready to party because she’s just been cuddled all day.
Until this Friday. DD is under the weather, teething, cold, and just had one year jab. I’ve had a hard week at work, DH was late picking me and then DD up cos he’d lost track of time working ( he also forgot to pick up dinner). When I turned up, DD is clinging to a rag doll DM gave her. This was a small source of conflict because DM always made a song and dance about how special dolls are, how she chose my childhood doll and how lovely it would be when I gave my daughter a doll. Of course DM just gave my DD a doll without involving me.
When I go to take DD home she screams and sobs when the doll is taken from her. Normally i’d Just wrestle her into the car but I am tired, she’s sick and I can’t face crying all the way home. So I say we’re taking the doll for her to have at home for the week. DM is pissed off but gives way. All last night and this morning DD is glued to the doll. I phone DM to say we are going to buy DD a different rag doll of the same brand but can we keep this one until the new one comes and if DD does like the new one as much can we keep the doll here until her obsession dwindles. My mum goes apeshit, screaming and swearing about how the doll lives at her house and she is going to come around and take the doll. I tell her to grow up, this is not about me, it’s about a poorly one year old. She hangs up.
Context, DM is also very stressed cos her estranged but recently reconciled sister is dying and an ongoing planning dispute with her NDN. I have spent literally hours making soothing noises while she rants about the NDN.
DM phones back, continues insisting she wants the doll back right now, puts DF on the phone who backs up her insanity while she literally screams in the back ground. I actually manage to stay calm and stand my ground. After the call I order the planned replacement but feel very shaken. DH is furious. DF decides to come take me out for coffee and we have a surprisingly amicable discussion about how bonkers DM is being but generally summing up as I have to work around her. I just don’t know what to do any more. How do I negotiate with a women who will get this distraught over a toy? How do I keep trusting her with my child?