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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP wandered in at 7a.m. Am i overreacting?

85 replies

sleepdeprived17 · 01/12/2018 09:21

I've name changed for this but I have posted before.
Dp and I have been together 4 years, have Dd 18 months. Before we had Dd it wasn't unusual for us to go out and not return home until the next morning most weekends but obviously things have changed now. We only go out maybe once every other month or so and although we can over do it occasionally it's nothing like it used to be, dont have the stamina anymore.
Last night DP had his work night out, he met up with friends at 7, i heard from him about 1a.m when I was off to bed. I heard Dd waking up around 7 a.m this morning and the next minute the front door opening and dp stumbling around downstairs. I was gobsmacked, where on earth could he have been until that time?!
I asked him where he had been and he said he couldnt remember Hmm when pushed he said him and a friend ended up back at some random lads house.
I smell a rat. Ive never had any doubts about him being faithful before and I have access to his phone (mine is broke) and we share a laptop. But this just isnt sitting right with me.
Am i overthinking this or has he been up to no good?
Im currently downstairs with dd while he trys to sleep it off upstairs. No point speaking to him yet, i"ll get no sense out of him

OP posts:
sonjadog · 01/12/2018 10:26

I've been there! And I was never a big partier. In my student days it was quite normal. Go out, continue party at someone's house, crash out when too tired, get up and go home early hours.

Original poster
sleepdeprived17 · 01/12/2018 10:27

Thanks everyone, I'm thinking this is maybe just my anxiety making everything a bigger deal than it is. I'm going to take Dd the park (as she's currently banging the front door with her wellingtons) and do some shopping. Hopefully I'll be able to shake the feeling of dread that the anxiety brings on and he will have woken up and be speaking some sense by the time we get back!

OP posts:
bigchris · 01/12/2018 10:27

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute

People will say ah but you were young free and single when you were sleeping in strangers houses and waking up in bus stations Grin

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/12/2018 10:27

I just honestly think, that a person who has proved a good partner over a long period of time - at the very least, deserves the respect of 'the benefit of the doubt' - rather than automatically asusming he is a bastard

beeefcake · 01/12/2018 10:27

** I'm surprised that a lot of posters aren't coming on here and saying. "ahh we've all been there!"

Yep! Been there

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/12/2018 10:29

Good luck OP, maybe a walk and a bit of time away wil help you to clear your head for when you talk to him

No need to tell him you have looked at his phone. It is done now. Id not admit it tbh

Cawfee · 01/12/2018 10:33

I’m always first to shout LTB if I smell a rat but I’m not here OP. You’ve said yourself that he’s a brilliant dad, works hard, rarely does this type of thing anymore...it was a bona fide xmas party night out...cut him some slack. Don’t go mental. Let him sleep the day off. I would. Sometimes as parents we have to let our hair down once in a blue moon. I’d say leave it today and talk to him tomorrow. Don’t do storming out or leaving DD with him to make a point. He was out clubbing until 5 and the chances of him being able to even function or keep it up with a random girl are so unlikely aren’t they? Look at the state he was in. He wasn’t exactly attractive stud material? I’d say the chances are highly likely he crashed at a mates house like he said. Leave it for today. Keep yourself busy and talk to him about where he went tomorrow. Sober you might get mire sense out of him anyway

Beeziekn33ze · 01/12/2018 10:34

I'd let him sleep it off then treat him normally. Don't ask any questions, just let him talk when he's up to it. He may not remember what he said at 7am. Do whatever you usually do to keep your anxiety under control, having a blazing row won't help the situation and you could regret it.

It does sound as if he did something similar to what you used to do together. If he was dropped off by car it could have been a taxi or (less likely) a friend who wasn't drunk.

It sounds as if you have a good relationship and I hope it continues. 💐

DianaT1969 · 01/12/2018 10:34

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing. He was in pubs and clubs til 5am and not fit for anything after that.
Don't tell him you checked his location on the phone either. It will damage your relationship. Let him sleep it off and have a good evening with your family.

Rudgie47 · 01/12/2018 10:35

Sorry but I would think he'd been shagging. I know its not nice to think of it but everytime this has happened to people I know that's what they have been doing.

I've worked loads of places as well and that's what they have been doing on nights out when they disappear. Sorry OP.

Beeziekn33ze · 01/12/2018 10:37

A walk in the park sounds good!

Beeziekn33ze · 01/12/2018 10:41

Rudgie, you're not always right there. There are all night gambling clubs where people can drink, eat and waste their money. Not all men are invariably looking for sex as soon as they are out on their own.

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 01/12/2018 10:43

Bigchris Yes I'd been on a big weekend in Blackpool with a load of workmates. Friday night coach up there and dumped back at Cavandish Square on the Sunday evening. No accomodation booked so we all stayed awake (Proplus) and partied in pubs and clubs and slept on the beach a bit.

Had I looked over my shoulder I would have had an image of the house but I was making a beeline for part of the skyline I recognised! To this day I have no idea how I got there.

Monday morning back at work. We all had terrible hangovers and looked grey and mottled. No sex involved of any sort.

I'm polite and would have gone back to thank them but....

Holidayshopping · 01/12/2018 10:46

If this was historically what he/you used to do, I wouldn’t be worried. Presumably people weren’t being unfaithful all over the shop then, so why would they be now? Has he been unfaithful to you in the past?

Plus, if he’s been drinking till 5, I doubt he’d be able to manage it!

Is he not on something ‘else’ to be able to stay up till 7am?!

Holidayshopping · 01/12/2018 10:50

Had I looked over my shoulder I would have had an image of the house but I was making a beeline for part of the skyline I recognised! To this day I have no idea how I got there.

I'm polite and would have gone back to thank them but....

I’ve read your post twice and can’t make out what you mean! What house? Thank who?

I’m sure I’ve had weekends like that though Grin

Babdoc · 01/12/2018 10:59

OP, I think your previous experience of being cheated on by other people is hyping your anxiety here.
My instinct from reading this is that your DH got blootered with his mates on an epic pub crawl and ended up back at one of their houses either to continue drinking or to crash out on the sofa.
Not exactly mature behaviour, but not deal breaking in terms of your marriage. And I doubt he’d have been capable of sexual indiscretions after that much drink either!
Ask him when he sobers up whether he remembers any more details. Give him a row for the drinking if you like, but then let this go.

Rudgie47 · 01/12/2018 11:00

@Beeziekn33ze . Yeah I know, its just that I know and have known loads of lying cheating men.

gamerwidow · 01/12/2018 11:10

No it isn’t. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do if you suspect your H is lying to you.

The OP has got not real reason to think her DP is up to anything. This isn't a pattern of behaviour it's a one off and no-one makes any sense when they come home if they are pissed.

You can't let your anxiety make you start checking up on your husband every time he goes out without you. If you were a man doing this we'd all be saying it was controlling.

Give him the benefit of the doubt and draw a line under it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/12/2018 11:17

I'd give him til 11 then wake him up and tell him he's on childcare duty while you go shopping. He needs to take some responsibility and remember he is part of a family

Being part of a family doesn't mean you can't go out or have fun ever again. It means you're a team; and part of being a team in this instance would surely be looking after the kids so he can recover, providing he would do the same for her. It's not much of a team if he wouldn't!

Waking him up at 11am and leaving the kids with him because he went out is unbelievably passive aggressive when he's normally a good husband and dad.

LizzieSiddal · 01/12/2018 11:18

as she's currently banging the front door with her wellingtons

Love that😂

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 01/12/2018 12:01

Holiday I had been on a drunken weekend to Blackpool with a bunch of mates and ended up in Swindon. I woke up on a sofa in a strangers house. I had no clue how I got there. I woke up, left the house and walked to the bus station. To this day I don't know who put me up or how I got there. It wasn't until the next day that I realised I didn't even know where the house was. I was a pissed up twenty something and someone had shown me a kindness basically.

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 01/12/2018 12:04

Op I think it's unlikely he would have had a leg over in that space of time or that condition. I think this is your anxiety talking and that is not a criticism. Been there too. Try to laugh about it a bit. all part of lifes rich tapestry and that eh?

If all nighters are the norm for you both in your pre DC life he is just following to type is all. Nothing to worry about there I feel.

Sethis · 01/12/2018 12:08

From the sounds of it he was only in this domestic address for 90 minutes? That reads more like "random crash" than "spend night with floozy" to me.

Lack of memory could simply be him drinking more than usual due to not having done it for a long time, or having less stamina as you mentioned.

I'd chill the heck out.

Snowman123 · 01/12/2018 12:17

The app told you he went to bars following by a house for a few hours before coming home. Which makes sense.
Either:
He was telling the truth and went to a blokes house
Or, he had a quick shag before coming home
I think its the former. But I guess questions will be asked when he wakes!!

nickhurley465 · 01/12/2018 12:17

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