Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP wandered in at 7a.m. Am i overreacting?

85 replies

sleepdeprived17 · 01/12/2018 09:21

I've name changed for this but I have posted before.
Dp and I have been together 4 years, have Dd 18 months. Before we had Dd it wasn't unusual for us to go out and not return home until the next morning most weekends but obviously things have changed now. We only go out maybe once every other month or so and although we can over do it occasionally it's nothing like it used to be, dont have the stamina anymore.
Last night DP had his work night out, he met up with friends at 7, i heard from him about 1a.m when I was off to bed. I heard Dd waking up around 7 a.m this morning and the next minute the front door opening and dp stumbling around downstairs. I was gobsmacked, where on earth could he have been until that time?!
I asked him where he had been and he said he couldnt remember Hmm when pushed he said him and a friend ended up back at some random lads house.
I smell a rat. Ive never had any doubts about him being faithful before and I have access to his phone (mine is broke) and we share a laptop. But this just isnt sitting right with me.
Am i overthinking this or has he been up to no good?
Im currently downstairs with dd while he trys to sleep it off upstairs. No point speaking to him yet, i"ll get no sense out of him

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepdeprived17 · 01/12/2018 10:04

I'm aware it's not good to binge drink but it's not like this is a regular occurance. We don't get out much so I can understand if he's got a bit excited and gone overboard with his mates (can't say I like it either but it's not the end of the world). I'm hoping that's the case. He's never given me a reason to not trust him, he's a wonderful father and partner. I know my anxiety can make things seem bigger than what they are plus years of being in a emotionally abusive and unfaithful relationship can sometimes bring out old doubts. Plus my hormones aren't helping

OP posts:
Miami81 · 01/12/2018 10:05

Also I met the guys wife a few months later and she did ask about it, I think she was very glad that I was very clear on what had happened. Which is reasonable. Then she had another massive go at him for drinking so much.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/12/2018 10:06

OP he may have just had a good night out.

You were trying to ask the questions at the wrong time, he was still pissed, and now you are overthinking his answers because he couldn't tell you straight away.

Speak to him when he wakes up.

Some pple do end up going back to drunk folks house for an after party. I used to do it every now and again - an 'afterparty'- and some times I genuinely could not have told you where I had been the next day (far too pissed or high) - those days are gone for me now

It is EXTREMELY bad to be checking his phone history! Massive invasion of privacy for NO REAL REASON...Stop this now, it is hysterical behaviour considering the fact he has never done anything wrong.

Fuck me, if it was a man checking a womans phone history - folk would be offering different advice, control freak and abuse would be bandied about.

RangeRider · 01/12/2018 10:06

To be honest if he's been out at all these pubs and whatever until 5am then he's not going to have been capable of getting up to anything untoward after that! I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Pasithea · 01/12/2018 10:06

One night out with his mates doing something you used to do as a couple. If he suddenly changes his behaviour then yeh ok investigate. Otherwise let it go. MN is so quick to judge men.

Holdmydrink · 01/12/2018 10:07

If the street name isn't far from you, it's worth wondering why he didn't just come home.
But drunk people make illogical decisions, and perhaps the friends just wanted to keep the party going, rather than thinking, oh shit it's 5am I don't better get home, it's not far!

beeefcake · 01/12/2018 10:09

I think it's really unfair of you to have gone through his phone given that you have no reason to not trust him. I can't believe so many people have encouraged it on here.

He has done 2 things wrong, not telling you he won't be home and getting himself in such a state that he can't help you with DD today.

Original poster
sleepdeprived17 · 01/12/2018 10:09

@memoryofsleep i worked in a bar so it wasnt unusual for him to wait for me to finish then have a few drinks and go back to a friends. There was a big group of us, most of us worked in pubs or clubs so it was normal.for us to hang out after work

OP posts:
beeefcake · 01/12/2018 10:10

And yes if my DH went through my phone after a night out I would call him a controlling wanker (and so would a lot of people on mnet I imagine). It's really not on

MyOtherProfile · 01/12/2018 10:12

I'd give him til 11 then wake him up and tell him he's on childcare duty while you go shopping. He needs to take some responsibility and remember he is part of a family.

LizzieSiddal · 01/12/2018 10:15

It is EXTREMELY bad to be checking his phone history! Massive invasion of privacy for NO REAL REASON...Stop this now, it is hysterical behaviour considering the fact he has never done anything wrong.

No it isn’t. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do if you suspect your H is lying to you.

OP, speak to him when he’s sober and ask him what happened. He may be able to reassure you more when he’s sober.

bigchris · 01/12/2018 10:16

I think you're over reacting too

You could call his friend and make sure he also went to the strangers house if you really want

But it all sounds fairly innocent to me

beeefcake · 01/12/2018 10:16

No it isn’t. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do if you suspect your H is lying to you.

What reason does OP have to think he is lying? If you always assume your H is lying then you have a big problem.

Dirtybadger · 01/12/2018 10:16

Doesn't sound particularly suspicious to me. I wouldn't assume anything untoward with women or anything. You will probably never know and can never be certain, but on the balance of probability I would say no. It's more likely he has been having bumps of coke or something than gone off with a woman, if any of his friends are into that scene and he was out all night. Like you said you both used to do it before and he is just doing the same now. He was sleep deprived and drunk, stuff might make more sense once he has recovered.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/12/2018 10:17

I remember one of my DH friends crashing on our sofa after him and DH had been out. Apparently they had stumbled in at around 4am, and bot DH and his friend had crashed on a sofa each. I had no clue i'd been in bed a few hours before they got back

at 8am, massive crashing and bashing on the front door. Wondered downstairs to find DH friends girlfriend on the doorstep in a psychotic fury that she had ''tracked him down''.....screaming and shouting. At that point I didn't know where either of them was as had just woken up and was confused

the girlfriend storms in, searches the house and finds her partner asleep on the sofa and starts a tirade of screaming at him.
He dumped her later that day.

LizzieSiddal · 01/12/2018 10:18

If you always assume your H is lying then you have a big problem.

The op said exactly the opposite. Sje doesn’t “always” assume he’s lying. She said she’s always trusted him in the past.

bigchris · 01/12/2018 10:18

I'd give him til 11 then wake him up and tell him he's on childcare duty while you go shopping. He needs to take some responsibility and remember he is part of a family

Wow! For one night out when she's said he's a brilliant dad and partner ??
Boy am I glad I'm married to a sane rational person who let's me let my hair down at the Xmas do once a year and doesn't wake me up the following day with a smug lecture

Xenia · 01/12/2018 10:18

Lots of couples share an email address and computer and accounts so it just depends what is normal for that couple. We opened each other's post. I did both our tax returns etc etc.

On the drink thing he probably was just drunk. My student son's friend often comes back here early hours etc with my son after a night out because I don't mind and it then doesn't disturb that boy's mother. I would rather they were safe here than sleeping at bus station somewhere waiting for a 5am bus back.

Just because your partner is out late does not mean he was with another woman or another man in a sexual sense.

MemoryOfSleep · 01/12/2018 10:18

I think you're probably fine, OP. Sounds like he did what you used to, probably with a friend of a friend though. Agree with PP, he was probably too drunk to get up to anything untoward anyway!

sonjadog · 01/12/2018 10:20

It sounds innocent to me. He was at a nightclub/pub until 5:30, he rolled in really drunk at 7am. It seems very unlikely that in that hour and a half he would have found someone, gone home with them, had sex, then left to go home. For one thing, he presumably would have been too drunk to be up for much. It seems much more likely that he went back to someone's house, passed out on the sofa, woke up and hour later, and then went home.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/12/2018 10:21

No it isn’t. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do if you suspect your H is lying to you

If a couple have been together years, and no signs of anything EVER happening before, hes a good dad etc - and he goes out for a night and the OP feels so suspicious about one night that the entire relationship is called in to question

Calling an entire relationship in to question in such circumstances is teenage behaviour. There is no evidence to suggest anything is going on, it is all over reaction

I would be livid if my phone was checked under these circumstances, I would feel untrusted and it would shake the boundary of my entire relationship as its proving there is NO TRUST.

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 01/12/2018 10:21

I'm surprised that a lot of posters aren't coming on here and saying. "ahh we've all been there!"
I've woken up on a sofa in a strangers house. I let myself out and walked to the bus station. To this day I have no idea where the house was except that it was in Swindon and there was woodchip! This would have been about 1992 though so etiquette may have changed Grin If anyone remembers propping me up and covering me over with a slightly prickly tablecloth on a sofa in Swindon in the early nineties, thanks!

Alfie190 · 01/12/2018 10:21

I don't think he has done anything than have a big night out. Wouldn't be ok for me or DH to be out until 7am, but if you used to be like this then maybe less of an issue.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/12/2018 10:23

*I'm surprised that a lot of posters aren't coming on here and saying. "ahh we've all been there!"

yep been there. afterparties were quite the thing in my partying heyday

Echobelly · 01/12/2018 10:24

Just sounds like a big night out to me, if he wandered from place to place then he might have lost track of where he was, and after a big night sometimes do end up and some random person's house. You say it wouldn't be like him to do that, but on a night out sometimes you end of following whatever group you're with - I'm not a person for ending up at random people's places after a night out but it still happened a couple of times in my going-out days!