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Original poster

Would you marry in these circumstances?

42 replies

ThePeachPit · 30/11/2018 21:42

Ok, putting aside the romance for a minute. I’m talking purely practical reasons.

We’re having a dc together I’ve already got one to my ex he hasn’t any.
I own my house outright he has a small mortgage on his but the same if not more in equity than the value of mine.
He works full time, decent wage. I’m working part time and studying will maybe just do the studying after maternity leave so potentially up to two years not working.

Won’t be changing my name and new baby will have mine or double barrel (we haven’t decided yet).

Of course I do love him and he’s a fantastic partner. I’ve never had any desire to get married though. He wants to for the romantic reasons but he did say that he also wants me to be as protected as possible and he thinks marriage is the easiest way to do that.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/11/2018 21:47

He sounds like a really decent bloke. You're putting in the same amount of money/equity. He wants to protect you. Marriage will protect you, particularly if he's working full time and you are part time.

Imagine you live together for several years and then split up, unmarried. You'd each have half the house property, but his career will have moved on whilst yours will have stagnated.

I'd marry him!

Ariesgirl1988 · 30/11/2018 21:47

erm in a word no if you don't want to get married and you get married for his reasons you'll probably end up resenting him for it later down the line. And you don't need to be married to be protected if he's that worried about it make a will, put both your names on the house there's plenty you can both do to legally protect the other

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2018 21:50

He is right re marriage being the best legal way to protect yourselves. As it stands currently the law sees you as two individuals who are unrelated to each other and you would be treated as such in the event that one of you died suddenly. You are currently in a very vulnerable position legally speaking. You do not have to change your name on marriage either.

At the very least seek your own legal advice ASAP particularly with regards to your child by your ex. If you were to die suddenly what would happen to this child?

LovelyGirlNOT · 30/11/2018 21:51

"He wants to for the romantic reasons but he did say that he also wants me to be as protected as possible and he thinks marriage is the easiest way to do that."

He's right.

Seen it twice in two separate relatives (DM & DGM) Didn't marry as didn't see the need. But then DGMs partner if 30 yrs died suddenly and she got nothing. And then DM was left high & dry when her ex of 20 yrs met someone else (unbeknownst to her!) and just packed a bag one day and moved in with this OW. He left her with a mountain of debt and a mortgage she couldn't manage. She had to sell the 4 bed family house dirt cheap and move into a small 2 bed housing association house.

Marry him

schopenhauer · 30/11/2018 21:54

Yes because

  1. You love him and you are having a family with him
  2. You will be better protected if you split and are working part time or not working. Because you would have rights over his equity etc. He will have been working while you look after the child and study so that’s the right thing. Don’t have to have a big wedding or change your name.
Hiphopopotamous · 30/11/2018 21:54

I would do it for the security, especially if you're planning a career break.
He sounds like a good egg.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2018 21:54

I have also read too many threads on here over the years about women getting completely shafted due to them being unmarried with children when the relationship breaks down.

JustHereForThePooStories · 30/11/2018 21:56

I’d have married him before getting pregnant but yes, marry him. Protect yourself.

Lordamighty · 30/11/2018 21:56

He sounds like a keeper.

Escolar · 30/11/2018 21:57

Yes I would. Channel your inner Jane Austen and think of both love and security.

ivykaty44 · 30/11/2018 22:04

why Wouldn’t you get married if you live him and have children together, it protects your children and you

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 30/11/2018 22:10

That’s what we were looking at doing Ariesgirl sorting wills etc out. He then suggested us getting married. I don’t think I’d resent him though.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 30/11/2018 22:13

Weddings cost money as do divorces.

You own a home and could potentially go it alone without him.

Financially, it is less cut and dried as people are making out. At the moment your child is your next of kin and would inherit if you died. Once you marry it will be husband who is next of kin and he will inherit. Cutting out your child. The money then passes from him to his next of kin, not your first child and maybe not the second if he remarries. This is an issue you need to address and you should see a solicitor to sort out your intentions before you marry.

So for potentially limited security you would be sacrificing independence and control of your own wealth and income. It could be worth it but some women with children aren't willing to do this when they have children already.

See a solicitor first to protect your children's interests.

godjul · 30/11/2018 22:14

I would not underestimate the fact that by stopping work you are vulnerable - and it is harder to get the career back on track once you are out of the system - and you are stopping work so that he doesn't not have to, it sounds, or a least to care for your joint child.

If you did decide not to marry it would be wise to check what your position it, as like other posters I do think it is not as strong as if you were married or had other arrangement in place.

What bothers me is the wording 'so that you are protected'. This may just be my interpretation or even wording for something expressed verbally with much more nuanced. Perhaps just make sure that between the relationships is equal and you are not put in the place of one 'who needs protection by the man'.

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 30/11/2018 22:23

Yes, that’s part of my concern LemonTT. I like that what I have is mine! But at the same time I don’t want being home with the baby to leave me vulnerable.

I brought it up godjul. We were discussing if I’d still work and study or stop one or the other and wills, life insurance and all that practical stuff. I was the one who said I felt vulnerable giving up work, but don’t want to stop studying and think both will be difficult with two dc. Plus I want time with the baby.

OP posts:
pallisers · 30/11/2018 22:32

Why wouldn't you marry him? you are committed enough to him to have a baby with him and live with him. As you are both bringing equal assets to the marriage but you are planning to be out of work for up to 2 years, marriage would protect you more than him. Do you have a fundamental aversion to the concept of marriage?

You don't have to change your name on marriage and nor do you have to give children his name.

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 30/11/2018 22:33

Of course my own dc would have to be considered, my partner supports that. And we definitely need to see a solicitor to sort things. He’s going to speak to his work about his pension and how to make sure I receive any benefits from them if something happens to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePeachPit · 30/11/2018 22:40

Didn’t plan the baby pallisers. Don’t actually live together yet either. No aversion to marriage as such, just never had a desire to either.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePeachPit · 30/11/2018 22:46

And I’m not planning to marry him right now! He’s going to move in with me for now and rent his house out. I’m ok while pregnant and getting maternity pay, I think it’s if I don’t go back to work after maternity I’m most vulnerable.
His idea is we book a nice holiday for after the baby is born, just the four of us and we can do it there.

OP posts:
pallisers · 30/11/2018 22:47

well then maybe you aren't ready to marry him - sounds like he is a nice guy but you are more committed than you planned right now because of the baby. The only thing I would worry about is your position if you aren't working. not sure it is worth the committment of marriage though - hard one. Read some of the older threads on here about legal benefits of marriage. Honestly, if I were going to compromise my earnings when having a baby I would want to be married - just in case. Unless I had substantial assets.

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 30/11/2018 23:00

The not working is my worry pallisers. I do want time with the baby and my dd though, I feel I missed out with dd going back quite soon and I’m looking forward to being able to spend time with the two of them. I don’t really worry about our relationship and us staying together. It’s sooner than I’d plan practicalities wise, but from the emotional aspect it feels right. Of course I’m not naive and I know relationships fall apart so I do want to know I’d be ok if that happens.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 30/11/2018 23:02

@ThePeachPit

Yes it’s a good idea to see to a solicitor with him but you should see somebody independently. I would also work out how you could manage studying as a single person. Calculate entitlements to CMS and other benefits.

Then work out with him how you would live if married or living together. How does he intend to support you? Lots of married women as well as unmarried end up living off whimsical contributions from their husband and partner. Asking for money and not getting sufficient housekeeping (for want of a better word) to support the family. Meanwhile he is top slicing £££ for hobbies and trips. Marriage doesn’t make any difference to how some working fathers view “their money” when their wife is SAHP. I would get this sorted out now.

LillyLeaf · 30/11/2018 23:03

Civil partnerships will be available to heterosexual couples sometime next year as option if marriage doesn't appeal to you. Just a thought.

MMmomDD · 30/11/2018 23:07

OP - you have similar assets. You are planning a career break, that may become longer than you anticipate.
You are giving up earning power in that time. And potentially your future earnings will be affected by both the career break and childcare needs of two children.
Marriage gives protection specifically for these situations.

Why wouldn’t you want to marry?

And it doesn’t need to be a big and expensive event.

Original poster
ThePeachPit · 30/11/2018 23:24

We’ve discussed that Lemon. For now we’re setting up a joint account for bills, food, petrol etc which also includes dd’s childcare costs. We’ve split it by how much we earn so he’ll pay more in than I do. Then the money he’ll get in rent, less his mortgage, fees etc (approx £400 a month). He’ll put into a savings account in just my name, that’s so I have a bit of extra fall back money. The plan is it will go towards a future house deposit for us both someday.
We should both have around the same amount of money left each month, although we’ve not included the maintenance I get from dds dad in that, so in theory I’ll have more.

OP posts: