Would you marry in these circumstances?

[ThePeachPit]

Ok, putting aside the romance for a minute. I’m talking purely practical reasons.

We’re having a dc together I’ve already got one to my ex he hasn’t any.
I own my house outright he has a small mortgage on his but the same if not more in equity than the value of mine.
He works full time, decent wage. I’m working part time and studying will maybe just do the studying after maternity leave so potentially up to two years not working.

Won’t be changing my name and new baby will have mine or double barrel (we haven’t decided yet).

Of course I do love him and he’s a fantastic partner. I’ve never had any desire to get married though. He wants to for the romantic reasons but he did say that he also wants me to be as protected as possible and he thinks marriage is the easiest way to do that.

He’s said he’s happy to just have a joint account for everything. It’s me who’s a bit unsure on that so we’re trying it this way first. The plan is there should always be enough in the joint account so things for the children can be bought from that, unless they’re needing something particularly expensive but clothes shoes etc, should be fine to come out of it.

That all seems really sensible and you have rightly considered your kids interests in all this. I think your niggle issue may be giving up independence and control of your own assets and money.

If it helps we both had dependents and in my case I business investments with other family members. All sortable but I never had the desire or inclination to marry. So we aren’t married and like you have equivalent assets and income. I like being able to decide how I spend and I like not having to think about how he spends. But we are relatively well off and our nests are emptying. I might (probably would) think differently if pregnant. But at my age I like not being dependent but at the same time connected and loved, it is freeing. That won’t be for everyone but we are not all the same. Plus I know Freedom has its limits too.

I think that’s exactly my issue Lemon. If I could have the benefit of being married in regards to his assets but protect mine I would do. That sounds horrible I realise, but I only want the protection for my dc. Dds dad fucks about enough with contact and money that I’m fully aware that I could at some point end up doing it all on my own. I really don’t think he’d be like that, but unfortunately there’s so many stories of lovely parntners and amazing fathers who end up being total bastards when the relationship falls apart.
I want to know I’d be in the best possible position if our relationship was to break down. He’s very understanding of that and willing to be very hands on with the baby and my dd if I want him to. In regards to childcare/sick days all that stuff.

It’s a hard one Peach and it’s difficult to explain to yourself never mind anymore else. But it’s not uncommon for women who have capital and existing dependents to be cautious about the benefits and constraints of marriage or indeed living together. Like I mentioned before make sure this is all sorted out so you DD’s interested are protected

In terms of the horror and just even mildly depressing stories, I think this is about individuals and the dynamics of their partnerships. LTB are easy enough to figure out if you have decent boundaries but being stuck with a slacker is just as bad a problem. I think you need to be on the same page about aspirations and how you want to achieve these. I do shudder a bit at choices some people make, putting their future and that of their children in the hands of very unreliable partners.

In your situation you have good boundaries and are looking at things practically and not just romantically. Perhaps you just need a bit more time to get to the point where you have the marriage bug or fully embrace the idea. It’s a bit like doing something scary and exhilarating. You can make yourself do it (for others or a bet) but really not enjoy it or you can want to do it, still be a bit scared but love the idea.

You won't have much protection if you marry and then quickly divorce (I don't think). So if the relationship has not been tested yet I wouldn't personally marry, and reconsider it in the future (just after you have lived together for a bit and had the baby and are more sure). If you do split when you are still not working in the last 2 years then the marriage will have been so brief I don't know how much benefit you would feel?

Otherwise it does make sense to get married. As someone averse to marriage

Thanks for the reply @LemonTT it’s so difficult. I’m not planning on rushing anything or make any final decisions yet. For now he’s going to move in with me, which is going to be a bit of a squeeze when the baby comes. But I don’t want the disruption of moving dd just yet and if thing don’t work out with us living together I want to be able to tell him to move out.
In regards to protection for dd, my partners suggesting is we keep my house and rent it out (once we’re ready to buy together). My house gets left just to dd and what will be the family home to him who’ll obviously have our dc living with him. Presumably if something happened to me my dd would go to her dad.
We definitely need to see a solicitor as it’s all pretty complicated. And depressing!

Does anyone know if a court would order contact between siblings if say both my dc ended up living with their dads? My ex would unlikely do so willingly. My partner on the over hand would do everything he could so they’d see each other.

No plans to rush it @Dirtybadger. It’s been a bit of a slow burning relationship though so we’ve known each other a long time. He was thinking when the baby’s about one, that’s when we’ll look at buying a house together.

I think I’ll probably only return to work part time when I do. So potentially there’s a lot of years where I won’t be earning as much as I could.

why Wouldn’t you get married if you live him and have children together, it protects your children and you

Marriage protects the “lesser” partner. Not necessarily the female, and not necessarily the children.

If you have equal assets it probably makes no difference, as all assets will be put in a pot and divided on divorce, so no one will lose or gain. If you plan to not work you will over time put less money into the “pot” and you will gain. Do bear in mind as pp said though that if you die everything will go to him, and he can leave everything to the cats home if he likes. So get a proper will drawn up taking care of the children.

I should not have got married. Dh had nothing but the clothes he stood up in following a pretty vicious split, i had a 500k house, was a higher earner, had pensions and savings etc.

If we now divorce dh would be entitled to half of everything. Half my house, my savings, pension the lot. I would lose out majorly, dh would gain.

I’ve had to cut dh out of my will and leave everything to the kids, with a life interest for him. It is still possible that his adult kids could petition for a share of my estate, based on the theory that everything is half his...

Had my time again i wouldn’t marry. It’s left me, and possibly my kids, in a very vulnerable position financially. Unfortunately i listened to all the people —my mother— who said i needed to get married to protect me and the children, without thinking it through.

It protects the children in that there are bereavement allowances available for a spouse but not a cohabiting partner. There was a case ruling this incompatible with human rights legislation a couple of months back, but I don't believe the law has yet changed.

In your circumstances OP, I might not necessarily marry, purely because I wouldn't want to until I had lived with someone. However, nor would I go part time without being married. So I personally would give some consideration to staying full time and moving in together first.

But if you definitely are going to significantly reduce your income for a period of several years then, with similar levels of assets, marriage is a no brainer. I have worked part time for some years now and there's not a chance in hell I'd have done that without a marriage contract.

Whatever you're doing, get wills.

I’m already part time GrabEm. So going full time isn’t really a option right now. It’s the fact I’m planning on not working after mat leave and instead finishing my course which will give me better job prospects long term. Then I’ll maybe do part time till both are at school.

If we marry it’s more likely when the baby’s around 1. My house is only two bed but he’s going to be moving in here and once baby needs his/her own room we’ll need to look at moving.
We’re sorting wills and life insurance and all that. It was during that conversation he brought up getting married.

Oh ok. Well either way, yes I'd marry.

Sounds like you communicate well with each other.

We spoke last night and we’re going to book an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible. My partner has found out all his work pension details and insurance policies etc, so he can sort them out so I benefit if something happens to him. At the moment it’s his parents.

We talked about marriage a little, we both agree not just yet. But that it’s something we’ll discuss further before we buy a house together and before I make a final decision about returning to work or not.

I’ll admit, that I did look at wedding dress online for the first time in my life . Probably just the baby hormones making me crazy.

Everyone looks at wedding dresses. Just like we check billionaires homes. When or if the time is right you will be doing it for the right reasons with a clear head and warm heart.

There is no way I would have a child and give up my job without the protection of marriage. I've just seen it go wrong far too many times - and not necessarily through any kind of malicious behaviour.

I have a friend whose partner sadly passed away. They were only very early thirties and had a toddler and she was pregnant. He died in an accident and they weren't married. She got no insurance payout, no widows' allowance from the state and none of his pension. The only reason she was okay was because his family supported her after their sons death.

Please think very carefully about this. You can go to all the solicitors in the world but marriage is a far cheaper, all-inclusive option for you. And please, please don't give up your job without the protection that marriage gives you.

That’s why he’s suggested marriage * although I also think partly because he wa ts it too. I do think we can be pretty well protected without though, his pension is a case of just changing his named next of kin. Which he’s going to phone and do tomorrow. Life insurance he only has a policy that tied in with his mortgage so it basically paid his mortgage off if he was critical I’ll or died. He’s sorted out a new policy that’s just a lump sum and that goes to me. He still needs to sort his house and a will out, but honestly I don’t expect him to leave everything to me.

Once the baby arrives he or she would legally be his next of kin so without a will I think he or she would get everything anyway. I know that can cause issues in itself though.

At the moment my house my life insurance would still be paid to my ex. Seen as he’d be the one caring for dd. My division of assets is going to be more difficult than his.

If I had married my ex I would have been screwed. You are mortgage free OP, I wouldn’t jeapordize that for anything.